Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Hi all, back with an update, I’ve kicked him out and ended the relationship and he won’t be having any unsupervised access to our child for the forseeable. I don’t think I was strong enough to do it when I came on here a few weeks ago but the advice sank in, he carried on drinking and I bit the bullet when I came home and he was drunk looking after our child (SS aware, no physical harm done). I’m ashamed I let it get to that point before ending it but I immediately packed his bag, ended the relationship and took him to his parents. Now he’s gone I’m seeing how heavy the weight of him and his drinking has been in this house. Now I’m getting constant messages about how he will change and will never drink again which I’m just astounded at given the last three years, but we are all he had left. Thankyou for the advice which was really hard to hear at the time but spot on. Onwards and upwards with recovering from his chaos for me and our son :)

@Kapowdee4 Please don't feel ashamed. We are all in the same boat -not one of us will have thought, the perfect time to leave my previously happy relationship is right now. Instead, we all reached the point where it became completely untenable for whatever reason -violence, drink driving, child neglect. I have so many regrets but in my sensible moments, I know it wasn't my shame or my fault. I tried so hard but in the end, had to admit defeat and leave him to it.

Thankyou for your kind words. It’s so true, there was so much manipulation from him by the end my brain was so addled I think I was just in survival mode getting us all through the day. He is still pinning his sobriety on returning back home to the relationship which just shows me he doesn’t get it at all. And completely self involved as usual. It’s heartbreaking but like you say by the time it gets to this point you have tried as much as you can.

That's so beautifully put. I'd also say that hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, the pinpoint when I should have made my move was 2 years before I actually did it. I've (nearly) stopped beating myself up about it now.

I am in a panic and don't know what to do. DH has an alcohol problem, drinking way too much (8 hours in the pub per day). He has told me he is suicidal. He has been hiding stuff from me about the landlord and I am terrified we are going to be homeless. Rents I the past 5 years have more than doubled, I only work part time, we have a special.needs daughter and a cat (relevant because no landlords take pets). I am low contact and I a different country to my family ( abuse and neglect) so no outside support. The suicidal thoughts and house stuff only came to surface yesterday. I have been throwing up all night while trying yo keep it together for him and dd. Thank you for reading my ramblings.

He may be suicidal, he may be wishing to deflect your attention from the fact that he's been drinking the rent for months. Find your anger. Find you, your daughter and your cat somewhere to live. If you have been strong enough to live with an alcoholic for years, you can certainly cope with this. If you Chuck him out and explain what happened, maybe your landlord will agree terms. You will be able to get help from the government, and crucially, won’t be financing 8 hours drinking a day.. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but it’s saddens me that even after this, supporting him is still a priority for you. I’m not really harsh, but you are not his support animal.

If your DH is suicidal, you need to address that first. Are you in the UK? You may need to present at A&E if the matter is acute, though be warned - he will not be seen by anyone from mental health until he is sober.

If there are issues about rent, debt and homelessness you need to talk to the CAB and your local council. You have an awful lot on your plate, but ultimately it's about how you eat an elephant - one bite at a time. Break your problems down into smaller chunks and work thtrough them.

Your husband should stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant, so if he is depressed it will make him worse. From what you say, he is self medicating. Has he always been a heavy drinker or is this new and acute?

@pointythings , I feel a bit ashamed now. You are much nicer than me..

I know people on here who have lost their loved ones to suicide. I’m so sorry if I sound oblivious to the risk. My situation is different. My relative used the threat of suicide to deflect from the awfulness of their actions, and to claim attention that should have gone to their abused and neglected children.. I had to train myself out of my knee jerk reaction to do whatever it took to save them. Clearly , I’m projecting here.

I feel for you. I kicked DP out last week and he made references to not seeing the point in being here anymore etc. Ultimately I decided he is an adult and whatever he chooses to do I can’t keep supporting and saving him, making myself miserable and giving our child an unstable home to grow up in. I ended up having to report him missing to the police after his father who is elderly called me in a panic saying he wasn’t home, turned out he was passed out in bed, drunk. Try and remember he is an adult and you are not responsible for his choices.

I think he is genuinely not mentally well. He has been struggling with loss of his mother, there is alcoholism in the family. I think it has spiralled. Realistically he needs to go to the doctor and take it from there. If not we will have to look into separation.

I am one who lost her husband to suicide, although I lost him long before that in reality. This is just my experience and thoughts from a sample of 1, so bear that in mind.

He talked incessantly about it for years. I panicked at the beginning, running after him, taking knives out of his hands, trying to tell him how many people loved him….crying and very distressed about it. I called 999 once and he then spent an hour on the phone to the operator saying that he didn’t mean it. He was furious with me afterwards because he felt I had spoilt his chance of getting a gun license (!!!!). He also said in his calmer moments that I shouldn’t worry as those who talk about it aren’t the real risk. So after time I would just say OK then, don’t make too much mess (which he didn’t like either). I am convinced this was all manipulation.

we separated early last year after DV, and I have learned since that he continued talking about it, I know those around him called the crisis team, but he never engaged. And finally he did it.

I know in a strange way I feel better that at least he made his choice, but again desperately sad that someone I loved was in such a bad place.

But everyone around him tried to help and he was not responding to it.
sorry that do very long….and oversharing, I think try to get him help for the suicidal thoughts, but he has to accept that help.

🪻

You clearly have your head screwed on straight - this is exactly how it needs to go. You support without enabling. He has to want to help himself and take the necessary actions. There is very little you can do to help him. You can however help yourself and your children so yes - if he won't help himself then the next step is separation.

@Zebracat don't worry about it. I wasn't being nice, I was being pragmatic.

Hi all, just posting with a little update on my situation. I don’t know what the purpose of my post is, just looking for a bit of moral support maybe.
I threw ex DP out at the end of January due to his drinking causing him to become aggressive and verbally abusive towards me infront of our 2yo DD.
Definitely the right decision I know, but my situation hasn’t become any easier as I’m still getting harassed on a regular basis.
Since throwing ex DP out, I have moved house. I refused to give him my address, as his access to DD doesn’t need to take place in our home. However, he’s recently found out our address as an acquaintance of his is living a few doors away from me, they bumped into each other and the acquaintance mentioned that I was living here.
He then turned up here last week, drunk again, and I had to call the police to have him removed from outside my property.
While I was on the phone, the operator could clearly hear him shouting insults and threats. As a young child was present, it was reported to social services who then called me the following day - thankfully nothing came of it, they just basically said I was doing the right thing by prioritising my child and safeguarding her by having him removed. They also said I am right to never let him take DD on his own.
This is where the problem is occurring though.
I have been supervising Ex DP’s contact with DD, in a public place so that I am able to take her and leave if he’s drunk.
However every time I do, he starts asking me for another chance. And when I refuse, he then turns nasty and spiteful.
His contact with DD seems to be more about him trying to persuade me to have him back, rather than spending time with her. For this reason I don’t want to supervise his contact anymore. But I also don’t want to stop her from seeing him.
It’s difficult to just block him, because then he will turn up here again.
I’ve thought about taking him to court, but I’m really worried he would be able to convince them that he hasn’t got an alcohol problem (when he’s sober he’s very good at playing the part of the respectable father and partner) and grant him unsupervised access.

@MamaBear81 you are doing everything right. Really, you are. Every time he comes to your house drunk and kicking off, you call the police. That's you building a history. You have the record of the call with the operator and the follow-on from social services. If that happens again, they will know that you are a responsible parent protecting their child from an abusive drunk ex.

Don't take him to court. Carry on as you are - you meet up on neutral ground and if he is drunk, you end the contact and walk away. If he wants to, he can take you to court. He won't, though.

@pointythings surely though DD shouldn’t be witnessing the way he talks to me. For example, I took her to meet him at a local restaurant (his other DD17 was also going, and I sat at an outside table so I was still close by) .. and because I was 3 minutes late, when I arrived he snatched the pram off me and stormed off with it shouting “f off” and calling me a “c” …
Then after they’d had their meal and she was back home with me, I got a text saying “you should have been with us, we’re a family!” .., I’ve just had enough of it all now, it’s so stressful.
He’ll start off being all nicey nice when he’s sober, but then as soon as he asks for another chance and I say no, he turns.
I’m cruel, I’m the reason social services called because I’m the one who rang the police etc..
When he wants to see DD he doesn’t give me any prior notice, he just expects me to drop everything and take her to him. And I’m petrified that if I don’t give into his demands, he will go collect her from nursery when he knows I’m working just to spite me.
And the idea of that scares me because him being sober collecting her doesn’t mean he will stay that way while he’s got her.

@qazxc I don't expect you'll get much joy if you take him to hospital because as @pointythings mentioned they can't/won't deal with mental health issues while he is drunk and if he is spending 8 hours a day in the pub he's basically permanently drunk, but it is worth a try. In my own experience, the suicide talk was part misery/part manipulation and I did end up hardening myself to it. In the end, he just committed slow suicide - he kept drinking after being told by doctors he'd be dead soon if he didn't stop. I'd take him to hospital, try and get him admitted and then focus on the debt and housing issues. If the hospital won't take him, focus on the debt and housing issues.

@MamaBear81 you need to pre-empt his moves. You have had social services involvement, so it should be possible for you to brief the nursery - tell them that if he comes to pick her up, they need to check in with you first.

You can't stop him swearing at you in front of her, but you can document each instance so you have a log of his behaviour.

Nothing he says to you is valid. Let it slide off you. His opinion does not matter, nor will it matter to the authorities. Carry on as you are, document everything, call the police if he kicks off. That will lead to another social services referral, but it will be one that reflects badly on him only.

I know this must be hell for you. It isn't even the alcohol that is the issue, it is his abusive behaviour - and that is the real him, make no mistake. But you are doing all the right things.

@MamaBear81 definitely let nursery know. Social services can be helpful in my experience. If he is being abusive, could you work with them to arrange supervised access at a child contact centre?

@MamaBear81 gosh this does sound awful. I would have called the Police to the cafe. Every time.I would stop contact now because he is abusing you in front of your tiny child. You do not have to endure this.I would also seek a non molestation order. Do you have any support in your life, someone who would supervise contact? Or does he have anyone you would trust to keep your child safe? I would simply refuse further contact, and tell him that he can ask the courts to sort out something safe for the child and for you. I know this probably feels impossible, but it isn’t. If you can’t face responding retrospectively to all this abuse., give him one more chance, but on your terms. Tell I’m that he can see the child for 2 hours on Saturday morning , and report any future abuse.

@Zebracat yes I would trust his parents to supervise contact, his own mother has said to me she doesn’t think he will ever change and that she wouldn’t trust him to look after DD alone either, because he isn’t even capable of looking after himself (her words).
I’ve suggested to him many times that his mother comes to collect DD, takes her to her house and he can spend time with her there.
But he always makes an excuse as to why he can’t go there.
Then if I don’t drop everything and take her to him as soon as he demands it, he accuses me of stopping him seeing his child and starts making threats about going to court etc, which I’m afraid of happening incase he manages to fool them into believing he isn’t an abusive alcoholic and grant him unsupervised access, the idea of that terrifies me!
He tells people I’m a drug addict (I am most definitely not!) and that I was sleeping with half the town behind his back.
Blames me for all the jobs he’s lost through drink.
He even told his (just turned) 17yo DD that he had a heart attack last week, yet was able to discharge himself from hospital an hour after this alleged heart attack and be sat in a pub drinking again the following day.
He’s made suicide threats, the list is endless.
I feel just as trapped now as I did when we were together. If not more so, because now he seems to be using our DD as a weapon to get to me because he’s realised that I’m not taking him back this time.

@MamaBear81 . Tell him you are happy for his mother to supervise contact, but you will no longer be seeing him because of his behaviour. You really don’t have to put up with it. Just be polite, brief and firm. Warn him not to contact you directly, suggest whatever you feel is reasonable. Don’t respond to any nonsense, just report, report, report, then block.

Really struggling today with DH who is on a massive bender. So stuck financially. A living hell ATM. Don't even know why I'm posting - a vent maybe!

@Needsomeadvice2234 that's what we are here for - this is a safe place where you can get it all out. Are you still safe with him?

He's passed out finally. I'm shaking with the dog. He's not violent - just disgusting. I'm going to lose another job because I can't concentrate when he's roaming the house screeching and crying and creating drama while I try to work. It's such a fucking mess I'm angry with myself first and foremost. Now I have to think of an exit plan which I will do. Just speeded up somewhat.