Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@Woody18 I wish you all the best in your journey. I understand the desperate need to understand the why’s of what is going on ( you can piece together my story from my posts in the last year on this thread). I am coming out the other side, so I can give you hope.
you have to hold onto the man you love and married, but let go the other man who he became, he is 2 people and you are divorcing the bad one. It is hard and inexplicable, and the most horrible form of grief. One piece of advice I had that really helped me was that you judge a relationship by the bad times, not the good. 🌺

@Userccjlnhibibljn8thank you, your words make sense and I absolutely agree that already my life feels better not having him in it and I will get through and out the other side soon enough. It's the destruction he's left behind which is so difficult to deal with (me and the kids have literally been through trauma, caused by him).
And I now question why on earth I didn't see that he was an alcoholic and why I unknowingly was enabling it.
Just kicking myself really.....
But here's to a new and better life to all of us who have freed ourselves from the destructive person who cared more about alcohol than us. Thank you

@pointythings thank you, I've had some therapy to try and let it go and reach acceptance, just struggling with it at the moment and felt desperate for validation that the alcohol was at least partly (if not completely) to blame.
I think I totted up that he was on about 90/100 units a week sometimes, he probably drank more than I wrote actually.

His behaviour turned narcissistic when he abandoned me and the kids to find his "happiness". It's a story as clichéd as so many others on mumsnet...
He could have always had these personality traits of course and managed to mask them for years. But knowing that alcohol changes people's personalities just helps to explain why he turned so cruel, selfish and entitled, hurting everyone he supposedly loved.

The karma (though not sure if I believe karma exists) is that he is now with a woman who drinks too - clearly happy in each other's company and the "happiness" he was after.
But he's lost his kids and his best friends (and a wife who cared about his health). One of his children refuses to see him, the other sees him minimally, and doesn't know who he is anymore.
I've blocked him and would happily never see him again in my life.
We just need to get over the trauma...

Wishing everyone well on this thread

Oh Woody. Definitely an alcoholic. 90-100 units a week? Crikey. How much does that cost?
He’s found his level with his new love and I bet they are both drinking even more than usual to celebrate their freedom. Everything will fail in the face of that. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near their love nest in a few months. 2 drinkers, so who does the laundry? Ugh.
He doesn’t appear to be suffering the health consequences yet, but very few people could get away with that, and the damage can hit like a hammer falling out of the sky. You are so well out of it. Enjoy putting you and the kids first from now on. Don’t take him back when he hits rock bottom and remembers how you cared for him. “ Big” men like him suck the life out of everyone around them. That may be a cliche, Or a stereotype. If so I apologise. You’ve got this.

My late husband drank at that level for the 3-4 years leading up to everything going tits up. Actually it was probably more, because what triggered me taking action was finding empties in the bedroom - he was secret drinking on top of his stupid number of units, he was drinking at work, he was never sober. I'm still so, so glad that he didn't drive.

Thing is, when the body decides to crap out from alcohol, it does it in hideous and spectacular style. I was lucky that it was just heart disease with my late H.

@Woody18 your ex is absolutely, definitely an alcoholic.

@pointythingsand @Zebracat thank you.
Where we live everyone drinks and booze is cheap - and yes, I'm now thinking it's like a village of alcoholics! I can clearly see that now, just wish my kids hadn't grown up with that kind of "normality". My son now drinks far too much
This is what I've not understood, how it's not affected his health more (perhaps it has, we wouldn't know).
He goes to work and appears to function. I've been wondering if his liver will suddenly scream one day... it's strange how some can go on and on till their 70s, 80s, yet others get affected in their 40s. Thank goodness I got out when I did - the relief that I don't have to worry about his health anymore is enormous. The irony is I used to be petrified that the kids would lose their dad to a heart attack... well now they've lost him anyway.

Funnily enough @Zebracat he thinks he is the "big hero" and wants everybody to love him. He was always the loudest life and soul of the party and was stupidly generous, desperate for validation I've realised.
Good luck to her the "OW", I can see she's gonna need it. But for now they live their honeymoon life and he pours all his money and attention into her.
Wonder when the bubble will burst....

Thank you everyone, it's confirmed to me he is well and truly alcohol dependent/ an alcoholic.

@Woody18 I know it's hard and can feel impossible, but you need to put all your focus into making the most of your life now. Your husband leaving was the best thing that could have happened to you and your kids as his presence was damaging you all and now you need to stop wondering about what he is doing, and the state of his health and about his new relationship. He is no longer your problem. Think about what you and your kids need for a happy present and future and leave your ex to be part of your past.

Signing in. Alcoholic husband on the vodka sunup to sundown. Slowly detaching but not able to leave/divorce. Think I'll be leaning on this thread until the bitter end, however it comes. Sorry to sound bleak.

@Needsomeadvice2234
It is bleak though, we understand completely. Just being able to talk about it and actually be heard can make a massive difference. We hear you, get it all out, you are not alone here

Don't know where to start - I've been holding it in and maintaining the facade of a perfect life to my family. My parents are elderly and my DB has come back from the brink of death due to alcohol (now sober 4 years and doing immensely well) so really don't want this anywhere near them. They've had enough to deal with as I've also had my issues with alcohol although I'm sober now. Just so very disappointed I've gotten myself in this position and just want to put my head in the sand and detach. DH is a funny, loving, gentle man on one hand - but a jobless, forgetful nightmare on the other as he is constantly either pissed or withdrawing. Won't admit truthfully he has a problem, won't seek help. I've tried everything so now I'm going to do nothing and focus on keeping myself sober and having a separate life. I don't want to divorce due to finances but I am working towards a separation.

@Needsomeadvice2234 welcome to this lovely bit of Mumsnet. Rant away!

I absolutely understand about not telling your parents, but do you have some real life friends you can talk to? You may be surprised how much they know, and it is a relief to be able to be honest with someone, as it is exhausting keeping up the facade.

🌺

Nobody in RL - its like I can't admit it as I've gone on about how amazing he is and how happy we are. We're about to move to a new area hours from everyone we know (very remote and rural) so it's probably better to just carry on as is. In my head I'm just going to focus on saving enough money to buy a little bolthole I can eventually move into and leave him to his bottle.

OK, so here is my experience, I think you will see a bit through the thread in my posts. I moved with my husband 5 months before I had to call the police, to his dream house, less so mine. I was desperately trying to keep up the facade. Also rural and remote, and with no one I knew locally to run to. It’s working out in the end, but if I could have spoken to myself 18 or so months ago I would have not made the move, and I would have got in my car with the dogs and my things and stayed where I had a support system.

Making an assumption from your post my financial situation was different, in that I was the breadwinner, which gave me options, but it has cost me a lot (a small fortune) and changed my short term life plan, but I wish now I had made some different choices when I had flexibility. Do PM if you want to talk through the practical side a bit.
Even though I am deeply sad and wish my lovely version of my husband was still here with me, I then think about the hell of life with the other version of him, and I cannot put a price on my calm. 🪴

@Needsomeadvice2234
I once read (on here somewhere I think) that the best thing to do is take all the love and caring that you give to them and pour it into yourself. It’s really hard to do at first but it can be done, I started by being kinder to myself, reading about self care, taking nice walks (something to look forward to in your rural area), resting, etc. buy yourself nice pampering things according to your budget, hand creams, good shampoo, give yourself permission to eat the things you like the best. It’s entirely up to you what you do or don’t choose to share, do what is best for you. You are just as important and worthy of love and care as everyone else

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 Thanks for the post - I am the breadwinner as DH doesn't work. We have found a beautiful house bought out of savings so are incredibly lucky to be mortgage free. The house I own prior to marriage is crippling in terms of mortgage so can't wait to sell and go. I just want to get my financial situation sorted before making any big changes. I'm incredibly sad we won't get to do all the things he talks about in his cups - he is stuck reliving a version of himself that doesn't exist anymore and one I never knew. Given the voltage and amount he drinks (24/7 pretty much) I've no idea how long he will last. His fitness is shocking, his confusion (which he blames on sporting concussions) getting worse. Its just so sad.

So glad I found this thread - I have this awful guilt I'm doing everything wrong by staying with him but I don't want to leave yet.

@Needsomeadvice2234 that sounds like an incredibly tough situation, but you also have a very clear perspective on what you need to do to protect your own future. If your husband is starting to get confused, you're looking at Alcohol Related Brain Damage and that means it isn't going to be very long. Do settle in your new home to ensure it won't have to be sold for care home fees.

There's nothing wrong with you living a separate life to him while you prepare for the end. You've chosen a hard path, but if these are the only options you have, so be it.

Meanwhile keep posting here - everyone on this thread and its predecessor has been there and will support you from personal experience. This is probably the safest corner of Mumsnet and sadly we are an exclusive club that none of us wanted to join.

@pointythings yes - the very best of mumsnet on here! It'll be a hard road but I'm sure I'm making the right call. At my age I can't bear going back to living hand to mouth and finally have a career I'm proud of. DH is very easy to live with, never raises his voice etc and always helps with anything that needs doing. There is no conflict between us if I leave the drink issue alone. The sadness and impatience I will just have to deal with. But this thread helps so much.

@Needsomeadvice2234 thinking of you. I hope you manage to find peace. Focus on making your own happy moments as much as you can. I understand why you don't want to tell your parents and friends but sharing what's going on can bring so much relief. Living a lie is incredibly stressful.

I have found opening up to friends very helpful. You may well find as I did that they realise your partner has a drink problem, but didn't want to raise it until you do. After years of putting on a facade it can really help. Also, when I am told I don't understand, am selfish, "it's all about drink with you" etc it's good to know that your friends are sympathetic and we are not bad people.

Hi all,

I have been a reader of this thread for a while now but not quite brave enough to join yet. Mine isn't quite that bad-yet- but I hope to get myself out before he gets that far. I'm just trying to work out what I would do about the house and everything.

I also keep having the unlikely belief that he will decide once and for all to kick it, rather than trying to moderate which of course never works.

Please could you point me in the direction of any books about how to decrease enabling? I am trying my best but need to know more about this. I did think about Al-anon and looked at their website but I don't want to go to meetings in person currently, and would rather have a book that I could read on my Kindle.

Many thanks in advance.

@CherryBlossomBreeze

Hi,

AlAnon do publish books on kindle, just type in AlAnon books in the search bar. They do talk about distancing yourself which is helpful but as @pointythings has said they do tend to inadvertently promote staying in the relationship. Ive found the best resource to get some distance to be mumsnet threads there are a lot of them on the subject and it really helped me to hear from others in my situation. I’ve read CoDependancy no more which is recommended by a lot of people but it just doesn’t resonate with me for some reason (maybe because I don’t think I am codependent?). I didn’t want to attend meetings in person either. Welcome to the board

Hi, am ok to join? I’ve also reached out to Al anon today but unsure what path I want to take currently. I met my DH 10 years ago and didn’t realise until too late how problematic his drinking was. I thought it was just social and I live out of the UK where the weekends can get very boozy. He’s had some periods of sobriety and he’s been in and out of AA. The last 18 months have been bad, and the last 6 months really ramped. He’s currently got an apartment in a different city where he has work and was coming home on the weekends and some times mid week. Now I see he’s just using it as a bolthole for drinking. He disappeared on Friday, I eventually heard from him on Sunday where he said he’d been pulled over for drink driving. (I knew this wasn’t true, it is a huge deal here and he’d been instantly put in prison for months straight away)
Woke up this morning to over 30 missed calls and 60 plus msgs where it sounds like he’s had bad heart palpitations from drinking too much (and possibly drugs- which is also an issue as it’s punishable by life imprisonment here)

I've done what I can in terms of protecting myself. Everything is in my name, we don’t have shared financials, my daughter is with me 24/7 (she’s 4)

I feel like I’m just waiting for him to either be jailed or dead.

im feeling so lost, and so ashamed.

@loverofpants you have done nothing wrong. Do some reading up on the three Cs of alcoholism: You didn't Cause it. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it. You are helpless and powerless to do anything at all about his alcohol use. The sooner you accept that, the better your chance of finding some peace of mind.

Your husband is 100% responsible for his choices and his behaviour. If there has to be shame, it's his. Is divorce a possibility for you? You have a young child, and having an alcoholic parent will increase her risk of being an alcoholic herself. And however stressful divorce would be for her, losing her dad because he is dead from alcohol abuse would be worse. Yes, I speak from experience.

Please give yourself permission to detach from him and build a better life for yourself.

@loverofpants divorce is the only path that makes sense. Staying in this situation will be increasingly stressful and miserable as he's on his own destructive path and you can't change that. He's not functioning as either a decent husband or father so best to tell him he's no longer welcome in your house at weekends and get lawyers involved to sort out the details.