Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

I don't really understand how things can mostly be great when he is drinking that amount every night and when you say that you're at the end of your tether? It sounds extremely stressful. Hard is at is to accept, he doesn't need your support to stop drinking. He needs to find his own strength. And sorry if it sounds harsh, but you need to stop scrimping on food shopping and put your kids' needs before his need for a drink.

@CharlotteByrde I don't know how to explain how good things can be. We enjoy days out, country walks, museums etc. I'm a keen gardener so we've been working in the garden together which has been so nice. He builds stuff and I make it look pretty with plants. It's all this stuff that makes me feel sad though. We are always talking about the future and making plans. It breaks my heart that the probability is that we won't be doing those things together.

We are always talking about the future and making plans. But if you mention his drinking he has a go at you. So those plans aren't based on reality. You aren't able to be honest with each other, because he can't accept he has a problem and you can't talk about his drinking without ruining the mood. Of course you can live like this, enjoy the good times while they last, accept that he drinks far too much, keep pretending to him everything's fine and enable his drinking by making sure he doesn't have to face consequences like drink driving and debt. Or you can leave. I am so sorry if I sound hard. My heart breaks for you. Alcoholism is horrendous and not just for the alcholic.

@countingdownto50
I could have written both of your posts, I’m married to a wonderful guy - (according to absolutely everybody - especially his family) we did things together, he cooked, cleaned up etc. The only problem was he had a teeny tiny problem, he liked to drink about 10-12 cans of beer most nights. Of course he wasn’t addicted, he just liked a drink 😆. We planned to travel in a couple of years (mid 50’s).
I stayed as long as I could hoping he would cut down, worrying about him and us but accepting that apart from the drinking he was just great. Then my mum died, then my dog died. Then my other dog got very poorly. My ‘wonderful husband’ sat in front of the TV day in day out drinking. No support, no comfort. I tried to hold on a bit longer as I knew I would be completely alone in the world if I left and it would cost me a lot of money (I had my houses before I married him, he of course had nothing). I just could not get over his selfishness. I took the plunge. I’m divorcing him. Honestly as soon as I told him and applied online for the divorce I felt as though I had dropped a massive dead weight and I can’t believe the lightness I feel on a daily basis. I read everything I could find on the subject and it eventually sunk in. I just decided after reading what seems like every thread ever written on mumsnet that I was worth more. @pointythings Is right, life without them is indescribably wonderful.
No one can make your mind up for you, I wavered for several years, some do stay and accept it but what made my mind up was I had to accept that it would never ever change, once I realised that and it took a VERY long time to get there I found my courage to go 💜

@AndiPandiPuddinAndPie you're brave to have taken that decision. I really don't think I'm there yet. Im sure the time will come when I don't have any choice. I'm an optimist so obviously think things will get better. Pretty sure they won't but there's that small percentage of me thinks he can change.

@countingdownto50 362ish days ago I had hope (not that I am counting)then it all came crashing down around me and him. It is such a powerful emotion. I really hoped we would get through it. But at the end I had to look after myself and now I mourn the hope not the reality. It is hard, I cry every day, but my friends and this pocket of internet strangers have been there for me, and I know I did the right thing
@AndiPandiPuddinAndPie well done, I am pleased you feel the lightness, I keep going in the knowledge that will come. Just a few financial and logistical hurdles, that I need to overcome before I am really free of him.
hugs to all xxx

Hello, I would like to join this thread if possible? Having a hard time at the moment with my husband who's been hiding and drinking lots of alcohol behind my back.

I'm currently pregnant & a SAHM to a 2 year old. My husband told me he would stop drinking this pregnancy as I don't really want it in the house now there will be 2 small children. He agreed, but since then I've been finding lots of cans of beers hidden around the house & in the outside bin. Confronted him & he's said they are from a long time ago (obviously) and he will stop, but today I've found lots more. I don't know what to do I feel really lost and upset. I grew up with an alcoholic step dad & it's so triggering to me.

Been a lurker on this thread for a while, but I just needed to talk to someone about it. What do I do?

@Justbloodylovecrisps if your husband is hiding his cans, it's not good. Unless you're demanding that he never drinks anything at all, this is a bad sign - and I'm assuming that the reason you are nervous about his drinking is because he is drinking a lot.

Ultimately this is about what you want for you and your DC. You cannot stop your husband from drinking. You can't save him from alcohol. The only person who can decide to stop is him. Unfortunately it's often the case that with alcohol, the only direction is from bad to worse. Only you can decide what you can and can't live with.

You're in a tough situation because you have a young DC, are pregnant and are a SAHM - but in the long run life with a parent who is dependent on alcohol is bad for children. It increases their risk of becoming addicts themselves and is generally unsettling. Only you can judge how bad your husband is - is he drinking a great deal, does he prioritise alcohol over family life? It's worth looking up the AUDIT questionnaire and doing it on his behalf to see where he is in terms of risk.

Overall I would say that it is better to err on the side of caution and get our sooner rather than later.

@pointythings no, I would never tell him to stop! We go to the pub most weekends & he drinks. It was just getting a bit excessive in the house so I asked if we could stop drinking in the house when the next baby arrives, as he does drink most nights - is that unreasonable do you think? Please do tell me if I am being as I just want honest advice.

Can't really say how much he's drinking as he's hiding it, but I've found a lot of cans and bottles in the bin! He does work hard & is a really good dad, but I just worry it's getting out of hand.

@Justbloodylovecrisps it's a difficult one, because a lot of this is about your own issues with alcohol. I don't know whether or not your husband is drinking to excess - ideally he should be having 3-4 alcohol free nights a week, but lots of people don't do that and aren't alcohol dependent. Him hiding his drinking isn't good, but on the other hand if he feels you are being controlling because of your past traumas around alcohol then it doesn't necessarily mean anything. Is it possible for you to have an open and honest conversation about this, and would you be open to discussing your feelings with an outside professional? I think both of those things would clarify the situation enormously.

FWIW I drink. I do it very modestly, but I do. And if anyone tried to tell me I couldn't have a drink in my own home, I would not be happy.

@pointythings no, I also drink, but I limit myself to one or two drinks. He, on the other hand, tends to overdo it and ends up getting drunk at home. So, I suggested that we avoid drinking at home once the baby arrives to maybe stop the excessive drinking. But it seems that this suggestion has backfired and made it worse.

I would definitely considering seeking help from a professional because I care deeply about him and I want to address this issue before it becomes irreparable. You are very right though, I grew up with an alcoholic & it's a bit triggering for me so I shouldn't take it out on him if it is innocent, but the hiding large quantities of booze is a red flag.

Is he one of those people who can't stop once he starts? Because that is a risk factor for alcohol dependence. Being drunk at home on a regular basis is also not a good thing. So you're dealing with someone who, while probably not yet alcohol dependent, does have a number of risk factors. If he is unwilling to limit the amount he drinks to avoid getting drunk, there's a problem.

I would still recommend that you get some support for you, because working through the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic will be triggering you and costing you clarity, as well as making you unhappy. However, given your latest update I would say there are some genuine concerns here.

@pointythings yes, he's also one of those people that drinks as quickly as possible to get more and more drinks if we are out. He also gets drunk on his own if I'm away. I know this because if I speak to him on the phone he makes no sense and slurs.

How would you suggest I approach the situation with him so he doesn't go completely defensive? He won't admit he has a problem so I'm a bit stuck really

I think the fact your husband is hiding the bottles and cans and is regularly drunk at home are absolutely red flags. Your suggestion that he stops drinking in the house, while it might be causing him to hide the bottles, has not altered the amount he drinks. That is entirely on him and it sounds as if he has a problem which as @pointythings is likely to get worse.

There is no way to approach an alcoholic in denial that will not end in him or her becoming defensive. They are denying they have a problem to themselves as well as others. If he is drinking to that extent on his own (making no sense, slurring) then you can't leave him alone with the children so perhaps need to consider if life might in fact be easier as a single parent.

I would definitely considering seeking help from a professional because I care deeply about him and I want to address this issue before it becomes irreparable. I appreciate you care deeply for him and that this is a problem you want to solve. We've all been there. But any professional help you seek needs to be for yourself. Sadly, seeking help for him when he doesn't think he has a problem won't work.

I agree that @CharlotteByrde is correct - if he won't admit that his relationship with alcohol is at the very least problematic then you are on a hiding to nowhere. In which case your best bet will be to return to work, gain financial independence and be as ready as you can in case things take a turn for the much worse - the risk is high.

Thanks so much for your advice. It can be lonely going through this without anyone to talk to. I am a bit stuck at moment as I am pregnant, but I do plan to return to work when the baby is around 9 months so hopefully things don't take a turn before then

That's sensible @Justbloodylovecrisps. Some financial independence will definitely help if things deteriorate. Keep coming on here if you need to talk, We have all been in the same or a similar place and know only too well how lonely it can feel. If there is someone you can reach out to locally as well please do so. It helps to be able to vent and if it all gets too much, close friends and family can't help if they don't know there's a problem.

First time post. Have found these threads hugely helpful, thank you all for sharing your experiences. So much rings true, yet I'm still desperate to know if my "ex" husband (currently divorcing) is an alcoholic. To know would give me relief in so many ways....
I've done the AUD tick boxes as if I was him and I'm convinced he ticks 90% of the criteria.
I know that if his drinking has affected our lives and he is dependent then yes, he does have AUD. But I'd love some validation from people who really really know🙏

This was him:

• drank pretty much every single day during our 18 years together
• was capable of "dry January" phases 3 times while I was with him but would get flu like symptoms for first week or two (that alone possibly answers my question!)
• only occasionally drank spirits, always wine and beer
• capable of drinking far far more than everyone else (but heavy 20 stone tall guy)
• drove drunk (ashamed to say we live in a rural part of a country where it's widely accepted☹️)
• never drank in the morning, never hid his drinking
• didn't like it if I tried to address his health
• had an episode of gout in his late 30s
• had high cholesterol (but was 20 stone)
• only got paralytically drunk on occasion, when on afternoon/evening bender with others doing the same
• went through binge phases, would ramp it up for several weeks, increased drinking and going out, used it to cope with stressful periods, usual drinking buddies who were also big drinkers couldn't keep up with the amount he was drinking
• all his friends were big "drinkers", it was almost like he only liked people who drank
• didn't really appear to get hangovers

What do you think wise ones? It would help me piece together why the midlife crisis happened and why he's not the man I married (that's another question though of was he masking narcissism for all those years🤦‍♀️)
Your thoughts would be so much appreciated, thank you.
Sorry it's such a long post, just needed to get it all out of my head😪

Ps. Forgot to say how much he drank - always at least a couple of pints plus say half a bottle of wine after work, that was a normal day. At worst, he could easily drink 10 or more pints and still be standing or a good 2 bottles of wine having had a couple of beers before that. On a binging day, he probably drank more, with whiskies at the end if drinking friends produced a bottle.

Please can I join you?

I’ve spent the last week with my darling family member who has now been diagnosed with end stage heart failure as a result of alcohol dependence. He also has both liver and kidney damage, ascites and leg ulcers.

I was with him when the consultant told him he has between 6 and 12 months to live.

It’s an utter, utter waste of life. He’s the most charming, funny, clever, wonderful man. He’s now in a hospital bed, unable to walk because of the leg ulcers and general poor mobility.

He wants to go home, but has no family or other support within a 2 hour drive.

Does anyone know if he’s likely to be offered some kind of care honestly place? Or will he be sent home with carers popping in? If he’s at home, he will barely be mobile.

@Woody18 I would say two things to you:

1. Yes, based on those figures he was drinking a minimum of 9 units daily and often more, alcohol was influencing his relationships and he drove drunk. So yes, he had a seriously dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.
2. Let it go. It's impossible to tell from your post to what extent alcohol changed who he was, but that doesn't matter. You're divorcing. That is bound to be the best thing you ever do in your life. Dwelling on how the guy you married changed so much is a hiding to nowhere. Been there, done that, gave it up and let it go. Accepting your powerlessness over alcohol addiction in your loved one is incredibly liberating. Seek out support if you feel you can't get there by yourself.

I wish you all the strength in the world as you go through the turmoil of divorce from a drinker, and I wish you all the joy I have had in my life without an alcoholic in it.

@Littlefish what he is offered in terms of support is going to depend on clinical need and availability of care and support in his area. So it's impossible to answer. Care home places are like hens' teeth, I do know that. However, the factor of distance from family support and his lack of mobility are going to weigh in any decision made.

@pointythingsthank you for replying. We are due to talk to the doctors again early next week, so might get a bit more information about next steps then. Lack of mobility is a huge issue - I don’t believe he will be safe at home, even with cater visits twice daily.