Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

I bet you laughed bitterly at the we 'should help each other through the hard times' crap. You've nothing to feel guilty about @Nevertoomanyfluffies. Ignore the blackmail -during the divorce proceedings he will probably alternate between acting the poor victim and lashing out verbally. I found it almost easier when my DH was being belligerent because I felt so much less guilty than when he was claiming to be suicidal, but keep bearing in mind that none of it is coming from a rational place. His thinking processes are trashed and he is unable to see that it is his drinking that has caused him to be at the lowest point in his life. Doing something about that is his responsibility, not yours. You cannot save him by staying. There is no support you can provide that will change the outcome. It's all up to him.

Thinking of you @Nevertoomanyfluffies . Thinking back to the time when I had just separated from my husband still makes me feel sick. He is dead now and I don't have to deal with it, but during the last time he was able to contact me directly he fluctuated between saying we should seek couple's therapy, and explaining that he was temporarily psychotic due to some drugs he had been taking (which as it happens he hadn't as they arrived the day after he was arrested, and he always denied the alcohol) .... it would be hard to make it up!

Stay strong, time does pass and feelings get less strong. A wise person said to me while I was going through this, that you have to judge a relationship by how you handle the bad things, not how it felt when it was good. Holding on to that has helped me when I start getting nostalgic. 🌻

I’m glad I found this thread as am feeling very lost right now. Short story is DP is an alcoholic, he was sober for 9 months with a lot of work with AA and a sponsor who was very supportive. I’ve had my suspicions for a month or so that he’s drinking again (he hides it extremely well, no abuse, no violence). He admitted drinking one or two days, stopped going to AA, says his sponsor has dumped him. He was drunk two days in a row last week so I said if he came home drunk again I would get someone over to remove him from the house. That happened Thursday, I searched his car when he was gone and found 13 empty litre bottles of vodka. He now admits he’s been drinking for two months. I feel such a fool and hopeless for our future. I know there’s nothing I can do as it’s his addiction but I do want to keep our family together if I can. Well, if he can stay sober. He is committing to going back to his AA group. Anyway I know there’s no answers really I’m just happy to have found others in similar boats :)

@Kapowdee4 do you have children? Because if you do, then you do need to split up. You probably need to do so in any case, because an alcoholic in such very fragile recovery is not capable of also sustaining a relationship. He needs to focus 100% on his recovery and you need to focus on yourself, any children and your own recovery from being in a relationship with an addict. Meanwhile, if you do have children they are at increased risk of addiction themselves through having a parent around who is in addiction, and if he stays in the family home and keeps drinking, this is aggravated.

It is now not selfish to put yourself first and him second. You are not responsible for his recovery and he is the only person who can help himself. Ideally he would look at some form of inpatient rehab with professionals in addition to AA.

@pointythings thankyou for replying. Yes we have a three year old. On occasions when I have asked him to leave it has been borderline unbearable with DS asking constantly when is daddy coming back etc and there is nothing in DP’s behaviour that DS would ever notice or understand that he has been drinking (considering I haven’t noticed for two months). I’m not advocating for DP because this is all completely unacceptable but is there no way ever that he could stay and be supported through his recovery here? He has friends through AA who have been through recovery with their families by their side. It’s a genuine question, I am willing to ask him to leave and capable of sustaining us financially without him. Honestly I think our relationship is a lost cause at this point but I am struggling with guilt towards him and our child and in an ideal world he would recover here with my support. Or am I just enabling him?

@Kapowdee4 the thing is, alcoholics tend to get worse, not better. Recovery rates are not good. And at 3, your DS isn't far off the age when he will start noticing. My youngest was 7 when he told me about daddy drinking 'beer' at 8am on Sundays.

There's also the problem that having him at home with you isn't giving him an incentive to stop - there are no consequences to him drinking, you will just take him back, even after a major drinking binge and a lot of lies. Without consequences, where is the incentive for him to really change? The problem isn't that he relapsed, that is part of the journey. The problem is that he resorted to lying as a first reaction, and that means he has not taken the lessons of AA on board.

@Kapowdee4 In AA you get the alcoholic's point of view only. Their families might still be there 'by their side' but are they okay? I often wonder how much damage the recovering alcoholic has left in their wake. The question for you is how long are you willing to live like this, with constant stress and anxiety and most likely, diminishing hope? Your Dh may have been sober for a few months but he is nowhere near recovery. He is still lying and denying. If you really feel your relationship is a lost cause for goodness sake don't stay for your child's sake. Living with an alcoholic is damaging for children, whatever their age. Let your Dh focus on his recovery and focus on your child's needs and on your own.

I'm feeling all the feelings today - it is exactly a year since I last saw and spoke with my husband. It is the day I snapped and called the police. Alcoholism is cruel and hurtful, and damages so many as well as the person who drinks.

I am so sorry. The anniversaries are very difficult and especially so in the early years. It does ease, but it doesn't go away completely. Be kind to yourself today.

Sorry, @Userccjlnhibibljn8. Anniversaries can be so hard. Take care. And yes, re the damage.

@Kapowdee4 . So have you not been supporting him through his recovery to date? What will be different now, except that you told him another strike meant he was out, so if you have another try, it will confirm for him that you will keep tolerating this behaviour. If the 14 vodka bottles were in his car, he is almost certainly driving drunk. How do you feel about that? I’m not asking to make you feel bad, but you do need to face the reality of this situation. Would you let him drive your 3 year old? How would you feel if he killed someone’s child or parent?
Save yourself and your child.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 . 💐💐💐for a tough time, an£ well don3 you for getting through the first year. Hope next year is better.

Hi, I hope people don’t mind me posting. I’m the friend of somebody who is blowing up their life through drinking. I just feel so guilty all the time. Always being told I’m no friend and I’m never there, while having abuse hurled at me and having to put up with really horrible behaviour. I feel gas lit as always claiming not drinking but I know it’s lies. It’s on my mind all the time, I’m so sad and worried and angry and I can’t see it getting better as they won’t admit they have a problem despite drinking all day every day

I've thought long and hard about posting here for a while and name changing but I need the help please.
DH has always been a drinker, and I'm finally realising how much and that his body is totally alcohol dependant. He has seen the GP and started with a local dependency group, although he won't go to meetings and has only spoken with his key person there once. He says he's doing what I wanted him to do, and getting help.
He's been hiding how much he's been drinking for years, and having looked it up, I realise now from his symptoms he's in the final stage of complete dependency. He has massive debts which I pay for him, I am the breadwinner and pay for everything anyway plus his debts. He can be really nice sometimes and good with DC, but then he can flip and be really grumpy and down and verbally takes it out on all of us. He keeps twisting it back on me and says our marriage problems are down to me but I know it's not and it's him, he's changed. We've been together 24 years. I feel broken as I don't want the kids to see him like this, watch him die, or be impacted any more but if I kick him out I'm signing his death sentence, and i dont think i can do that. I don't know what to do and I can't stop crying when I think about it.
Is it worth giving the final ultimatum whilst I get my ducks in a row just in case or is it a lost cause? Has anyone's loved one ever successfully turned it around?

@Cantstoptheshitshow
You've nothing to feel guilty about here. It's really important that you start putting really strong boundaries into place to protect yourself. My bestie is now okay the other side and 5 months sober. Boundaries I had:

Do not call me when drunk. I'll end the conversation.

Do not come to visit if you're drunk. I will send you straight back home.

Only you can make changes, I'm not here to fix you.

I'm your mate, not your therapist.

The final one was that if boundaries are overstepped, I WILL walk away. I made this one very, very clear. Be prepared to do this too, as you have to protect yourself against being dragged down with them.

My mate is under no illusions that is they start to drink again, even just one, I'm gone. I'm not prepared to watch them kill themselves slowly.

@Cantstoptheshitshow , if you follow @Mabelface 's advice you won't go wrong. It's all about setting boundaries and sticking to them.

@pudseypie I don't often say this, and I'm the widow of an alcoholic who stuck it out for almost 7 years. So here goes: You can't save him. You're enabling him - you do the working and the earning, he does the drinking. He has no motivation to change at all.

So don't bother with the ultimatum. Get the ducks in a row and get that divorce. It's the best thing for you and it's the best thing for your children. Being around an alcoholic parent puts them at risk of addiction as they get older. Get yourself out of there. It's a long hard journey, but life without an addict in it is a joy you cannot begin to imagine.

My Dsis' partner is 15 years sober so it can be done - but he really, really wanted to do it. Your husband doesn't. I bet he won't even admit he is addicted to alcohol.

Keep posting here for support, we're all cheering you on.

@Mabelface thank you so much for your reply. I’m happy for your friend, I hope they keep doing well on their sober journey. I need to put boundaries in place. Every time I see/speak to my friend I feel like shit.
@pudseypie I wish you all the strength to get you through this awful time.

crappy alcohol. I get so angry when I see all the hahaha funny cards about booze and the mummy wine time shit. They couldn’t market class As like this but it ruins lives all the time.

@pointythings thank you for your advice too. I am sorry to read what you’ve been through.

@pudseypie you are absolutely not signing his death sentence. There is NOTHING you can do or not do that will change his path. It is entirely up to him whether he stops drinking or doesn't and at the moment he is in utter denial so an ultimatum will be of no benefit. He may tell you what you want to hear to try and maintain the status quo a while longer but it will mean nothing. His presence in your home is doing you and your children harm and you need to insist that he leaves. And please stop paying off his massive debts. He's a grown man, not an extra child. Let him face the consequences of his own actions.

New to this thread. I am literally at the end of my tether with husbands drinking. We've been together 32 years and for about 25 years he has drank daily. Now he's at the point where it's between 7 and 10 cans of lager each evening sometimes more. I'm so worried about him. He manages to do all the cooking and never seems drunk. Goes to work without a problem and never seems hungover. At the weekend he will fall asleep early then wakes up just as I'm about to go to bed which drives me insane. Apart from the health implications we really cannot afford this at all. I'm finding that I'm scrimping on food shopping just so he has the money for his lager. If I mention it he says that I'm having a go at him and makes me out to be the one in the wrong. I really can't bear to watch him drink himself to death. I feel so sad about the whole situation.

@countingdownto50 what is keeping you in this relationship? I stayed for almost 7 years trying to make things better and supporting him, and that was way too long. So what has kept you there this long? You know he isn't going to change. You know that at some point, he will not be able to stay in his job and function. You know you will probably end up his carer. Your username suggests you are coming up to 50 - I left at 50, am now 57 and my life as a single woman has been so, so brilliant. Make a list of what's good about being married to him, then make a list about the bad, and see which is longer. Because you can't help him, but you can help yourself.

@pointythings this is the thing, I can think of lots of reasons to stay. We are very much still in love and most of the time things are great. He is a very kind man. Would do anything for anyone but he's ended up in this rut and he can't get out. He used to be confident and outgoing but now he has very low self esteem. I know this is caused by the alcohol. I'm a lot stronger than him so I know if he did decide to get help then he would need my support. Just feel really sad about the whole thing. I think I'm just here to vent really.

The thing is, you will end up his carer, he will die young and he will deteriorate. Are you aware that if he has 7 to 10 cans of lager a night and goes to work the next morning, he will be over the drink drive limit? That is incredibly serious. If something happens and he kills someone, will you be able to live with that? You do probably have some good years left, but if he stoppd drinking they would be better years. Alcohol is a depressant, it will be making his low mood considerably worse.

@pointythings we work in the same town so we share a car on mornings. I do all the early morning drop offs with the kids which can get a bit exhausting when DS starts work at 5:30 all week. I really think he would end his own life before he got really bad. He watched his dad die a horrible drawn out death (not alcohol related). We really need to have the conversation and I need to make him get checked out so we know what we're dealing with.

It's a good thing you're doing the driving.

But getting him checked out won't achieve anything. The human liver is a wonderful thing. It keeps on going and going no matter what you throw at it, returning perfectly normal liver function tests which make your alcoholic say 'See? I told you do'. Until one day it just stops, and by then it's serious and irreversible. It's the same with heart disease, which is what killed my husband. He had some falling spells, got checked out, nothing at all was found. And then after he had moved out, the next one killed him and it was only found at post mortem.

I understand that you love him, and I understand that you feel responsible for him, but you aren't. He is doing it to himself. By all means stay if that is what feels right for you, but remain aware that you always have the right to walk away.