Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

So exDP called today. I took the call (I know! but please bear with me).

Asked if we could still stay in contact from time to time. I said no.

Said he would sort himself out and he'd come looking for me again. I said that wasn't going to happen.

I asked that he stop contacting me (I know I'm also to blame for taking his calls).

My point is when he was saying that he'd sort himself out etc. I know deep.down he won't. It's the first time I have admitted that to myself.

Every other time I've had a small glimmer of hope that he was going to sober up. This time I don't feel that.

Progress...maybe. Thank you for reading.

@Morry15 Nobody here is going to tell you off. We've all been there. It's someone you love/loved and cutting communication is hard, even when it's something you know you need to do. The loss of hope is hard too but also in some ways a relief, because clinging to hope and having it dashed again and again is horribly painful.

The slow realisations are hard, but healing. It’s only recently that I realised that my friend (who lives with me) drinks because he wants to. As simple as that.Nothing more. Never mind that it has a big impact on others including people who rely on him. And never mind that he has nearly died more than once & lost an enormous amount. If he wants to drink he will.

i’n reading a book call The Freedom Model at the moment. There are bits I don’t really agree with - it ignores some evidence, cuts out all shades of grey & is very black and white, but I love its central
message which is ‘if you don’t want to drink or take drugs then make the decision not to’. It’s not more complicated than that.

Hi everyone, newbie here. It was suggested I join this thread via a comment on my own post in the AIBU category. Apologies I’m advance for this long post but I need to vent.

me (43F) and my (now ex) partner were together for 3.5 years, we have DD who is 2 next month. He also has DD(16) from a previous relationship and I have 2 adult sons.

I ended our relationship exactly a week ago today, and threw him out of the house (which is rented in my name only, I lived here for 2 months before he moved in with me)
The reason I threw him out is because I caught him drinking vodka that he snuck in here, he was getting more and more drunk right under my nose, becoming agitated and irate. I told him to tip the vodka out, which he was drinking from a mug, straight.
He refused, so I took it from him and tipped it out myself. He then threatened to break my nose.

I knew he was a drinker when we got together, but either I was too naive to realise how bad it was, or he did better at keeping it controlled than he does now.

Things got progressively worse after our daughter was born. He doesn’t drink every day, it’s more like every fortnight. But when he starts drinking, he can’t stop and will be drunk for days. Since my daughters birth, his behaviour while drunk has become abusive.
He has never been physical, but he has made threats. He calls me vile names, I feel very intimidated and nervous when he is drinking.

He has got into many a drunken fight, has been in court for assault (and paid the accuser to drop the charges)
He has fallen asleep with the cooker on and front door wide open while me and my daughter were asleep upstairs.
He drinks to the point of vomiting all over himself, on more than one occasion I have had to lift his head to stop him from choking, as he’s been too out of it to even realise he’s being sick.

He has lost every job he’s ever had through drink, most recently a few weeks ago when his boss called me and said they’ve had to terminate his contract as he was intoxicated and being aggressive in work, had to be escorted from the building by security. It was only his 4th day there.

It’s sad, because when he is sober I haven’t got a bad word to say about him. But he never stays sober for more than two weeks at the very most. He uses any opportunity of me not being around to drink. I hate leaving home without him, because I know I will come back to him drunk. And I hate him leaving the house without me, because again he will use the opportunity to drink wether he’s going to work, for a hair cut.. anything.

I was constantly anxious, and now it’s reached the point that he is sneaking drink into the house and proceeding to get drunk right under my nose, it’s too much for me to cope with anymore and certainly not an environment my DD should be raised in.

He has been offered help from the local Drug and alcohol team. He took disulfrum they prescribed him, then stopped it after 10 days and ended up drunk the following day on a bender that lasted 4 days.
He’s had 4 appointments scheduled since then, and hasn’t gone to any of them.

He says he isn’t abusive, and that I should ‘take no notice of what he says while drunk because it’s the drink talking, not him’ - but it’s him who drinks the drink, knowing what it turns him into, and it’s not as easy as just taking no notice when he is threatening me and insulting me in front of our DD.

I feel bad because he now keeps messaging me, saying how cruel I am for throwing him out when he has no money and is struggling with this illness - the illness he has been offered help with, but isn’t taking it.
He is also having to stay with his friends - two brothers who are also alcoholics, and says that if I care and want him to stop drinking, I wouldn’t be leaving him with no choice other than to stay with them until he can sort a place of his own.

@MamaBear81 welcome to this little corner of Mumsnet. I've already said everything to you that you need to know - and you have already done the single best and most important thing you could have done. Now please let us support you to hold firm in the decision you've made and let us help you in your recovery from this relationship. Everyone on this thread has been where you are now or is still going through it and we are all here to be a safe space for you and to offer a listening ear.

Know this: You are wonderful and strong.

@MamaBear81 I am so sorry. What a hideous situation. Yes, of course, you cannot cope with this and your DD should absolutely not have to live in such an environment.

I was furious on your behalf when I read that self-pitying bollocks about how 'cruel' you are when he is suffering from an 'illness'. No, he is not ill – he has an addiction. In my opinion, these are two different things.

You aren't cruel, you are a good person and a good mother who rightfully cannot tolerate this selfish, foul behaviour. You are 100% doing the right thing throwing him out. 100%.

You are so welcome to vent here. But is there anything you'd like concrete advice on, too? Because there are people here who've been in your situation and can give you compassionate, practical advice.

@pointythings thank you, I think it was you who commented and led me here.
I know I have made the right choice, for myself and more importantly for my DD.
There have been previous occasions where I have thrown him out, have even had to call the police to remove him, but always in the back of my mind I’ve had that hope that he would realise what he was doing to us and take the steps to change.
This time I feel differently, it’s like something has clicked in my head and I know I have no desire to be with him anymore, and no hope that anything will ever change.
He’s never really had reason to change, because he has known that I was here as his security blanket. But my DD is getting older and more aways now, and I’m not willing to sacrifice her well being for the sake of trying to help someone who clearly doesn’t want to help himself. I have been enabling him, without even realising it until now.

@amlie8 yes emotional blackmail has always been one of the methods he’s used, I was either just in denial or too naive to realise it. There was one occasion during a week long bender where he wasn’t home, he had messaged me and told me he had taken an overdose. Then stopped responding to me.
I was worried beyond belief, because at the end of the day he’s still my child’s father. So I rang the police and sent them to do a welfare check at the address he was staying (same friends he’s with again now) .. they reported back to me there was no cause for concern, he was just intoxicated and showing no signs of an overdose.
I know this time I won’t be giving into any of it, I feel totally different this time around to how I have previously. Like the more this happens, the more hardened to it i become. If he really wanted to change, he would be accepting the help offered to him. What he really wants is the best of both worlds. To switch between being a family man and a drunk when it suits him, someone and somewhere to come back to once he’s had his fill.. until next time which is never far away.
My main worry now is regarding access to our DD.

He’s just posted this on his Facebook story (a friend of his took a screenshot and sent it to me as he’s concerned) .. so it looks like he’s insinuating he’s suicidal again without actually saying it.

Alcoholics are manipulative. This is just the next step in his 'woe is me' campaign to get you to take him back. If you are genuinely concerned and you know where he is staying, you can call the police for a welfare check. The friend who alerted you can do the same. However, be aware of the possibility that the friend is your ex's 'flying monkey' and is in on the manipulation gambit.

If I sound cynical it's because I've been there too - had to send out the police for a welfare check on my late husband too. He was fine, just off his head drunk.

@pointythings yes I had to call for a welfare check a few months ago after he told me he had overdosed and started sending me and his family ‘goodbye’ messages. He was fine. But he knows I’ve blocked him from my social media, so as far as he was aware, I wouldn’t see what he posted - unless you’re right about the friend being part of the manipulation.
I blocked all lines of communication with him earlier today, he text me to say that his mother has agreed to pay the bond and first months rent on a room in a house share for him, and he was giving me “one last chance” to change my mind and have him back.
When I didn’t, I got a barrage of abuse.
But I’m worried about his access to DD if he cannot communicate with me.
She adores him, and he has rights to see her when he’s sober. I won’t (and never have) let him have her alone, because even if he was sober collecting her, doesn’t mean he would stay that way for the duration of her being with him. I also worry he might come to the house if he can’t contact me any other way,
But I can’t deal with the communication, he starts off being apologetic and remorseful, then comes the emotional blackmail, then when he realises it’s not working this time, he turns nasty.

@MamaBear81 your solution here is to get a cheap non-smart phone. You give him the number to that and communicate only through that. You turn it on once a day at a set hour and you let him know that this is what you will be doing. That gives him an avenue of communication and it gives you 23 hours a day of not needing to think about him.

Welcome @MamaBear81 . God yes the suicide threats. I once had to answer very detailed questions from the Police whilst travelling on a packed train. My loved one threatened suicide” where no one will find me”. They got the Air Ambulance out. It was so embarrassing. Everyone pretended they hadn’t heard it all. I was very grateful for that. They returned home after a few hours and made pasta for tea. I was numb with shock , took me weeks to feel better.
Im not making light of the devastating consequences of suicide, I know some of us have lost people that way. But there’s only so many times it can be a credible threat. Just relax, safe in the knowledge that he’s no longer your problem. The phone suggestion is good. But remember, you don’t have to tolerate his abuse. Report it every time. Do you trust his family to supervise contact? If so agree arrangements through them . You don’t have to have this man to your door, and if he refuses the supervised arrangements you propose, withdraw the offer and tell him to apply through the Courts. It doesn’t sound like he’s a subtle drunk, they will soon get his number! Your Dd is tiny, her safety should be everybody’s priority. You can’t fix him, but you can protect her and you can have a great life.

@Zebracat thank you for your reply.
No he’s not a subtle drunk at all. He has a bad reputation in our town due to his drunken antics, but generally most people tend to think he’s a nice guy who turns into a bit of a nuisance when drunk. They don’t know what goes on behind closed doors though, he’s good at turning on the charm and I think people would find it hard to believe if I ever made the reality known. When he’s sober, he’s great! But when he’s drunk, it’s hard to believe it’s even the same person. He will start off just babbling a load of nonsense that doesn’t make any sense, then he just seems to get increasingly agitated as his drink supply is starting to run low, and will suddenly turn. I could be sat there silently watching tv, and out of the blue he will call me a s**g or accuse me of sleeping with someone I’ve never even heard of. Accuse me of being a drug addict, it’s absolutely ridiculous.
This will go on for days, then he will sober up, apologise, make promises to go to his next appointment, tell me to take no notice of what he says while drunk (as if it’s as easy as that!) .. then he won’t drink for a week, maybe 2 before it all starts again.

@Zebracat DD’s safety is most definitely my number one priority. His behaviour is getting worse, and she’s been witnessing it. I’m hoping she’s still too little to have been affected by it, and have nipped it in the bud before she’s not. For his sake aswell as hers, at the moment she adores him (although she does most definitely gravitate towards me rather than him), I don’t want her to grow up scared of him when she sees what drink turns him into, and i don’t want her to ever feel that her father values a bottle of vodka more than her, that’s how he has made me feel about myself and it’s not nice. She’s never been alone with him since the day she was born, and I’m not about to start allowing that now either. Yes I would trust his parents, they’ve told me themselves I would be better off without him, but I’m not sure if they would facilitate contact. They don’t like having him at their house because of his drinking either. That’s why his mother has offered to pay the bond on a room in a house share for him, his parents have a spare room but they don’t want him there. He is just absolute chaos when he drinks.

Well it’s nice to have hopes, but it seems unlikely this chappie will get his act together any time soon. Sadly he’s unlikely to be the father you would want for your daughterI. I also bet people don’t think he’s a nice guy, they probably wonder how he still gets jobs, places to stay etc. Hold your head up high and keep him blocked. We are here.

Stay strong @MamaBear81 don't let him emotionally blackmail you into taking him back. Completely ignore any announcements that he is planning to kill himself and remember if he does commit suicide, it is not because of anything you have or have not done.Also, he may not have been violent yet, but he is threatening violence and in my experience that's a very bad sign that things will take a turn for the worse. Keep yourself and your daughter safe. Unfortunately, she may eventually conclude that he cared more for drink than he did for her. We can't really control that either.

Hello, I’ve been quietly lurking on this thread and the last but sadly it’s time to post again. I’m currently sleeping in my neighbour’s spare room after drunk D(?)H locked me out in nothing but my skimpy pajamas. Fortunately the neighbour is aware of the situation from last time when the police got involved and they very kindly let me in until he sobers up. But I can’t sleep, I’m embarrassed and disgusted that it’s come to this again. I’d say I’m heartbroken but I’m just numb. I’m tired of constantly being on edge about when he’s going to go on a bender again.
Just venting before I try to get some sleep. Thank you to everyone for keeping such a supportive space going. And sorry to everyone who’s been in a similar or worse situation and can relate. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

@cranewife please now consider putting yourself first and leaving this man. You can't save him. He won't change. And he is abusing you severely. I know leaving is hard, but ask yourself: hasn't the balance tipped here?

It's good that you have a safe place to go, but you deserve to be safe all the time.

Yes @pointythings I think it has. I don't want this for the rest of my life.
I spent the morning crying in the bathroom at work, and looking at rentals. I feel detached and numb again now. I don't want to start over but I also look at his mum, who is a full blown alcoholic with no hope of recovery, and I don't want to live with someone like that.
I know when I get home I will hear the inevitable 'I'm sorry, it will never happen again' - I'm just tired of hearing it.

@cranewifeThat is really shocking. I’m so sorry that happened to you, well done for still getting to work. His actions were highly abusive, he placed you in danger. Please protect yourself. Please report this to the Police. I think they can make him leave in circumstances like this.

Very much this. Based on last night, it may be possible for you to get an Occupation Order which would in effect kick him out of the house. And yes, get all those ducks in a row including looking at rentals.

Be kind to yourself.

Please contact the police @cranewife and tell them what he did last night. He mustn’t get away with this. Starting over is absolutely the best thing you can do. It certainly can’t be worse than staying as you are. And ‘it won’t happen again’ is as you know, nonsense. It will happen again and next time it could be even worse.

Hi. I've posted before about my husbands drinking and times when he doesn't and I feel hopeful. I realised recently that he's never going to stop, he has no realisation of the impact his drinking has. I told him tonight that I want a divorce. I think it's been building up for a while. Someone recently on this thread was advised to put themselves at the centre of it/to put their own life and feelings first. That really resonated with me. So I have done. I feel very guilty though, he's said to me he's at the lowest point in his life, and being married we should stay together and help each other through the hard times. But the hard times have been going on for years and I can't see anything ever changing. I do feel guilty though. I don't know what will happen now/how hard the next few weeks or months might be as we separate/sell the house etc. That feels a very scary prospect. I hope i can stay strong.

Well done, that is an excellent decision. Ignore your husband's emotional blackmail. He is causing the hard times and you are doing all the supporting. That isn't how it works.

The divorce process is hard. It costs a lot both financially and emotionally. But it's an investment in your future, one where you don't have an addict in your life, and that is priceless.

Thank you @pointythings . I remember you saying about how wonderful life was without an addict in it. That's what I want 😀. It's just a bit daunting what's ahead but I want to keep my eye on the end goal.