Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

Don't pay any attention to his family's nonsense. They clearly don't get it at all. Walk away from all of them and get on with your life. None of this is your fault and the last thing you need is to be dragged into their drama. Playing alcohol police doesn't work as his family will eventually discover.

DH has still stopped drinking here, but seems to be under a black cloud. Does this last?

Is he getting any professional help? If no, then what he is doing is known as 'dry drunk', where the actual drinking isn't happening, but all the underlying causes and behaviours are still there. If he genuinely wants to stop, he will need to access therapy and support to address why he has a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol. And if he doesn't, it is pretty much inevitable that he will start drinking again.

Thanks, I see. We will see how it goes.

No not getting help from anywhere. He is doing a good job of distracting himself e.g. working today.

hey guys. hope everyone is as okay as can be. decided to split from my kids dad, he plain blank told me to my face the other night that he’s only drank 1 bottle of beer when in fact it was 4 cans and 1 bottle. it may seem small but enough was enough. he still couldn’t admit that he was in the wrong…said he could have drank those cans at any point etc etc and that me co sleeping with our daughter upstairs is the reason that he drinks cos he’s lonely and bored

Hi, I'm so sorry but well done on making this brave decision.

I could almost have written this post. I have been split from my husband around 7 months. One of the issues was his drinking and lying about it/hiding how much he had drunk. He would say he'd had a couple of glasses of wine but there would be an empty bottle hidden 🫥 he also lied to my face on a few occasions regarding how much he had drunk.
So he was not drinking huge amounts but enough to be unhealthy, and the lying really got to me.

Funnily enough, I spent years co sleeping and he refused to sleep in the bed with me and the child and also wouldn't help transition the child into a bed and he made a meal of having to sleep elsewhere when in fact I was struggling with bedtimes.

Have you told him of your decision yet or are you sitting with it? I think I made my decision a while before I told my husband.

@StosbyNillsAndCash well back in August i found messages to prostitutes on his phone, which he’d sent when i was only 4 months post partum so i feel like ive been mentally checked out since so it’s been along time coming

it does sound very very similar, i genuinely believe he thinks the drinking is normal which is a shame

i was told yesterday by him that im expecting too much too soon

doesn’t help that i found a message on his phone to a co worker telling her how stunning she looked at the christmas party

Golly, I really think you should walk and not look back. Do you have friends and family for support?

I think you should walk. Then do the Freedom Programme to support you to belive you deserve better than a cheating alcoholic for a partner. Put in the hard yards, then live your best life.

yes @StosbyNillsAndCash lots of support, close friends, family and work colleagues. very lucky to have so much

just in the depths of where to start when it comes to leaving!

Heavens, even without the drinking @Freddie15VES you deserve so much better. Getting a lawyer is a good place to start. Good luck with getting shot of him and having a happier life.

Would it be okay for me to join the thread please? My situation is that my husband drinks at least half a bottle of whisky a night, so about 100 units of alcohol per week. He doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic because he doesn’t drink in the day, but he can’t go without drinking even for one day. In recent blood tests his liver function didn’t flag up as a problem, which he attributes to taking Milk Thistle, and so he thinks that means it’s fine to carry on as he is.
He drinks and is awake until the early hours of the morning, often sleeps in until noon (we are retired, so no job to go to) gets up for an hour or two and then sleeps until 6 pm when he starts drinking. His memory is very poor. He is always tired and has no interest in doing anything. I have chronic health problems, so am very limited in what I can do, and I am very isolated. I am so fed up of this life. He is not actually abusive to me either physically or emotionally, and seems to think that our life is normal and fine, just what to be expected for people in their mid to late 60s. I don’t think it is normal, and although he is convinced that he’s fine, I think that the alcohol is the reason he’s so tired and doesn’t seem able to do anything. I just don’t know how to tackle this problem, or if indeed it really is a problem. Can i ask for opinions please?

Hello and welcome @Theonlyremainingbiscuit . Can I ask you to tell us more about you? What work did you do? How do your health conditions impact your life?Do you have support from family /friends?
Im no expert, but I can’t see why your husband would make any changes, although obviously change will eventually occur, so really you need to ask yourself what you need to change to make the most of your life. I can’t think of any health conditions that would not be adversely affected by the days you describe. It sounds very lonely and dull but with so much fear and anxiety.
Can you make small changes? Do you have your own bedroom? Could you join the U3A? If there’s money for half a bottle of whisky every night, there’s money for you to take taxis, and engage with other people. You don’t necessarily have to divorce him to improve your life but you do need to start putting yourself at the centre of your story.
please stay with us, it can really help to write about what’s happening, for an understanding audience.

Hello @Zebracat and thank you for your welcome and thoughtful reply. To answer some of your questions: I am a retired accountant with lovely family and friends but am too ashamed to tell them of how we are living. Money isn’t a particular problem and I do have my own bedroom. I did join the U3A, but my health didn’t allow me to continue attending sessions.
Your suggestion that I need to put myself at the centre of my story is lovely, thank you, and I will take that to heart.
However, I am still not sure about the situation with my husband. You seem to suggest that there is nothing I could/should be doing in regard to his drinking?
Do you think he is an alcoholic? If his liver results are fine, then is it okay to just accept that he can drink like this and not suffer any health consequences? I’m so torn! It is all that he has in his life and it seems as though I would be so cruel to make a fuss about it, particularly when I have so little to offer him. He has had quite a difficult life, and I know that much of the reason for his drinking is that it blots out many of the traumatic events that haunt him.

@Theonlyremainingbiscuit Welcome. Parts of your story reasonate with me, a husband who says that drinking deals with his ghosts, who has no occupation, and who can therefore write his own timetable. I am told that liver test results are good until they are not. My husband passed all the tests, until he did not..... you know in your heart that this is not normal, and is not how life should be. The decision for your husband to change lies with him alone, you can encourage and support, but he is the only one who can make the first step. I'm sorry there isn't a magic answer.

The only advice I can give is to look after yourself first, and try to build your life without his support. This thread is a wonderful place and there are some very wise people on it to offer advice when you are ready for it. 🌷

The single most important thing you need to know is that there is NOTHING you can do about his drinking. You are powerless as far as that is concerned. All of us on this thread have had to learn that lesson and it is painful.

And no, he cannot drink like this without consequences. Alcohol impacts more than just the liver. It also hardens blood vessels and so increases the risk of heart attack. That is what killed my husband, not his liver.

At these levels, your husband is also at risk of alcohol related brain disease, which presents as dementia.

Lastly, his liver tests mean nothing. The liver is wonderful; it goes and goes with nothing to show in tests, but when it crops out, it does so spectacularly and the damage is usually irreversible.

I realise this is harsh, but it is the reality you need to consider in deciding whether or not you stay in the relationship. You may end up his carer.

@Theonlyremainingbiscuit . I’m no doctor, but 100 units a week? Yes, your husband is an alcoholic. His memory issues suggest that he is already seriously damaged, whatever his liver readings are. But you can’t change that, there is no magic key to make him see sense, and bluntly, cutting down or stopping is also not without risks. I’ve seen a an alcoholic have a massive fit during an apparently smooth withdrawal. My understanding is that a first fit carries a 20% risk of death, increasing thereafter.
That’s not the big barrier though. It’s that he doesn’t see he has a problem. He thinks the whisky is his friend and that you’re trying to take it away from him.
However, what you can do is change your response. I would start by telling doctors, family and friends about your husbands drinking. It may lead to him getting a more accurate understanding of how extreme his behaviour is, and how his health has been compromised, and that may change his view.
Dont be ashamed. This is not your shame, but keeping his secret is seriously affecting your life, leaving you isolated, worried and lonely. You may be very surprised to discover that everyone knows, and that they have been worrying about him, and about you for years. They may even think you don’t care, how else could you tolerate it?
I think you are the very definition of a boiled frog, watching this slowly unfold over years, all the time being told that it’s normal and not an issue. It’s his normal. But it doesn’t have to be yours. It certainly wouldn’t be mine. I hope that’s not too blunt. Last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings, or tell you what to do, when you’ve been brave enough to reach out.

a little reflection on my last 2/3 days since telling DP i’m leaving

feeling a bit sad as a part of me thought maybe he’d quit the drinking now he knows this is final, but since the drinking has carried on i feel at peace knowing i’ve made the right choice. just wish he could have chosen this family over the booze

@Freddie15VES you are very brave. The reason to leave is that you know nothing will change. If he’d immediatel6 poured it all down the sink and said never again, would you have believed him?

@Zebracat nope. i needed that comment, thanks 🩷

You have absolutely done the right thing. Let yourself heal, put yourself first. It gets so.much better without an alcoholic in your life.

@Theonlyremainingbiscuit you've had some excellent advice already so can only second what others have said. He is definitely an alcoholic, there's nothing you can do about that, but you do have control of what happens next with your own life. This is not your shame to bear, so be as open with family and friends as you want/need to be. Talking helps, but to people who can support you. There's little point in continuing to argue with him. While you certainly wouldn't be cruel to point out he is drinking far too much, it won't change anything as he is so deep in denial. Focus on what you want and need for a happy life

@pointythings @CharlotteByrde @Zebracat @Userccjlnhibibljn8
thank you all so much, you have all been really kind and helpful. You have given me a great deal to think about.
I must admit that I had expected a different type of response, perhaps things I should say and do to make him change his ways. I hadn’t really focused on the idea that it was up to me to make the change! This certainly gives me a new perspective, but also new dilemmas, so I will reevaluate the situation.

Everyone on these threads has been where you are now. We all started out believing there were things we could do and should do to change our alcoholics' behaviour. It's natural when you love someone to want to help them.

But with addiction, the only person who can help is the addict themselves. The only person we can help is ourselves, and any children we might have.

Take your time thinking about what you have heard here, it must have been a tough read. Come back with questions if you have any. Sadly we are all experts here.