The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024

[REP22]

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @Drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too.

I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023, where @WendyWagon (our most recent ship’s captain) and the others made me feel so welcome. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.

These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

I hope everyone who is having a difficult time finds some rest and peace this weekend.
i have found this week a little easier. Being back at work after the summer holidays has helped. I do feel like I should ‘deserve’ a treat of a glass of wine tonight but I am also really determined not to break my streak ao will not give in. I think I am so tried, I would be asleep after a glass of wine anyway!

Top stuff @Phoebewillow - all power to you. xx

Poor Sid does look rather put upon.
hope all have a good weekend
weather atrocious here.
but picking up new Doggo on Sunday
border collie. Already have one
sorry Sid collies are the only dog for me

Sid looks very regal, as befits his status as thread mascot and all-round top dog. There is a hint of the Elton John about that outfit, which may or may not have been deliberate 😀. Either way, may all shipmates and Sid stay afloat this weekend, regardless of distractions or unpleasantries that may befall them.

All good here @REP22 - thank you. Day 126 today, which is remarkable really.
Am just reflecting that my week of Fast 800 (trying to shift pre-diabetes) and daily swimming has been pretty straightforward this week. And I feel good! Six months ago I’d have been resentfully not drinking or thinking sod it, it’s Friday and having a glass (bottle) of wine. Thus undoing a week of effort and waking up on Saturday morning with a stinking hangover.

Very grateful for where this has brought me so far. Looking forward to a peaceful weekend pottering, seeing friends and getting some proper downtime. Hope everyone else has a good one too.

Apologies if this is triggering, I'm well aware I'm probably in the wrong room here but my experience differs so greatly to those in the other thread I'm on that I feel like I'm unbelonging.

4 hour open bar for DH today, followed by (I assume) a relaxed perception of all the ideas he had yesterday about how today would go and how he would not do anything to further jeopardise his health or his bank balance. I get it. So many honest accounts here on 'the rules' set up so drinking is allowed, and I truly get it. But I'm sad. I'm worried. He has a fair way to drive tomorrow with some minors and that was another reason he vowed to take it easy today but when I spoke to him earlier he was really drunk, which is never normally particularly possible for him.

I could tell he had put off phoning me, I imagine he didn't want to be held accountable for the dangers he's inflicting on himself and the children. I never do have a go at him etc but equally I wonder what it's going to take. Clearly his near death is not it. Will it be someone else's death that's the line he won't cross, or will that make him drown the guilt.

I don't know what I want to get from this, but what I do know is that I am not in love with a raging, abusive alcoholic. He's just as sweet and loving with or without the drink, and I don't want to vilify him. But am I? Just by being here and telling these concerns? I feel like I'm betraying him. I hate that (I think) he feels like he can't call me because then I'll know, whether I say something about it or not, I still know. 😞

@frankiefirstyear I’m sorry you’re going through this. Alcohol abuse disorder is a very slow, insidious process. From the perspective of the problem drinker, you tell yourself it’s not a problem, you can’t be that bad, because … your hands don’t shake, or you don’t drink in the mornings, or whatever … and then you do.

It's like the boiling frog analogy- it happens so slowly, you don’t realise it’s happening until it’s too late.

Your DH is not doing this on purpose BUT it sounds to me like he’s started to choose alcohol over you and the family. That is probably a very hard thing to hear, I’m sorry. It’s the nature of the beast that is alcohol.

All you can control is your own actions, and your own lines you don’t cross. If he has been drinking heavily, he is almost certainly not safe to drive in the morning. You could, for example, insist he gets a breathalyser from Halfords or wherever before he drives minors.

I drank for lots of reasons, to escape from some really difficult emotions- I wasn’t a bad person, but I made my DH cry because of my drinking.

I find the threads for those dealing with problem drinkers so difficult, because I know that could have been me if I hadn’t stopped when I did.

No, I don’t think you are betraying him. This is a relatively safe space (although we all have to remember that we don’t know who is reading) and none of the shipmates is in a place to judge. Lurkers might, but that’s the nature of things.

To be honest though, if you haven’t been there, you won’t truly get it. You can understand, possibly empathise even, but you can’t get it, any more than I can really get what it’s like to be married to a drinker. You’d think I would. Or that I really should, but I don’t. I’m the one who made and convinced myself of the excuses. I believed at least some of them. I also believed I ‘wasn’t that bad’ when it must have been obvious that I’d been drinking. My husband was in a very different place - for some reason he still loved me, he may have understood some of my motivations, but he couldn’t get it. I felt really bad about what I put him through, but I pushed it to the back of my mind, and convinced myself it was nothing unusual - I just liked a drink now and then.

I can’t speak for your husband, but sometimes in the moment you just can’t see the next one. Objectively you can, but it doesn’t really matter. I mean, I knew I was killing myself. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to be ill. I particularly didn’t want to have an alcohol-related illness, as then people would know my ‘secret’ 🙄. But after a few drinks none of that mattered. It still applied but priorities somehow shifted. Does that make any sort of sense? At a distance I’m not really sure that it makes sense to me any more.

I remember a joke that Jo Brand once made on TV about being drunk. She talked about realising that the room was on fire but deciding to leave it till tomorrow when she’d sobered up. Everyone laughed as they could relate to something far less serious and the joke was in the exaggeration, but for me it was dangerously close to lived experience. Your husband will have known he was drunk and that he had commitments. Bluntly - he just didn’t care at that moment. I’m not saying he’s not a caring man, but real caring and harmful drinking don’t go together.

Good morning, @REP22 thanks for asking and for all your posts. This week has been good for me and thanks everyone on this thread, I’ve read it every day and felt the warmth and encouragement coming through, keeping me right in trigger moments (especially around 6pm-8pm).

Waking up on day15 happy and optimistic. I’ve noticed I’m more motivated to do tasks I would have otherwise put off due to either wanting to have “a nice drink(sss)” or being hung-over, I’ve played more with my 2DS and really enjoyed it (they are still little) and have been more thoughtful overall. I’m also relieved and proud that instead of going to the wine bar with work mates (first Friday of the month “tradition”), I swam, had dinner and watched a film with DH & 2DS, it felt great to actively make a positive and healthy decision and not make excuses that it would be rude not to join in or “I’ll join and have 1”…If I’d joined work mates, 100% I would have had a drink and then a ton more, I’m not ready to be in a bar.

To everyone having a tough week, I hope it gets easier soon and sending love and positive thoughts for the weekend 🐼💚

I find the threads for those dealing with problem drinkers so difficult, because I know that could have been me if I hadn’t stopped when I did.
This is sort of how I feel about those threads. The people/relationships they describe is not how I can ever envision feeling or living through with DH.

And yes, I've been in the place where I'd leave the fire burning til the morning, I have experienced that feeling. Wreckless abandon perhaps. I think this is where I differ too, I don't expect to be enough or the DC or work etc etc to BE enough, but I do wonder what it will take. That, I suppose, is why I'm posting here rather than the other thread, here is proof that it can take something, whereas the other thread there seems no hope at all, and leaving him is just not something I can do.

The breathalyser is a good idea though honestly, I know he wouldn't use it, he will be over the limit and he won't want to know that for a fact. Even though he already does.

We need to have a conversation about things, we talk so honestly and openly, but this is something he struggles with even speaking to me. I wonder what he says to his therapist (who supports moderation apparently) about it too. I wonder just how honest he is in his own head.

Well done on your day 15 @FlakyPanda - your Friday evening sounds amazing!

Hi all, firstly thanks for creating this group as it's something thats really need. I have had a drink problem really since the first time I started drinking. My problem is that I can't stop drinking once I start. I have tried time and time again to give up but just seem to revert back in to old ways. Alcohol does not suit me and makes me very depressed for days afterwards. I would really love some advice and support to give up for good.

Morning all. Bit gloomy here today. But quite warm and muggy.

Good to see you again @Phoebewillow . Well done on surviving the first week back at work.

Well done on 15 days @FlakyPanda . The first 2 weeks were definitely the hardest for me.

@frankiefirstyear I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must be heartbreaking to watch your DH hurt himself, you and the children through his drinking. I can only speak from the perspective of the drinker and really for me, I woke up one night after far too many cocktails and yet another episode of the 3am fear and just knew I didn't want to carry on like that.

I can totally relate to having (but not using ) a breathalyser. I stopped weighing myself, taking my blood pressure and wearing my Garmin because I didn't like seeing the effect the booze was having on my measurements.

You said it could easily have been you when you read the family threads. If you are ok with it, do you mind talking about your own journey/relationship with alcohol? What made you change? (Please tell me to f-off if asking is presumptuous.)

Hi @Gotthis24 . Didn't want to read and ignore. It's a brave step admitting to yourself that you have a problem. Well done.

I am sure one of our more experienced posters will be along soon to give you some more support.

PS @WendyWagon hope your DH is doing better.
@ShyMaryEllen love Jo Brand's fire analogy
@REP22 give Sid a big squeeze for me. He looks gorgeous

Hi @Gotthis24 welcome on board, you will get great advice from many on here about how to suppress cravings and distract yourself from wanting to drink, we all completely understand. Just two things to remember, it’s not you, it’s alcohol. Alcohol is a terrible substance, it’s a depressant and it is designed to make you want more and more. None of us could for example drink 5 pints of orange squash in a short space of time, but we could drink 5pints of lager, or lots of whatever your poison of choice would be, so never feel bad that it got the better of you, it’s a drug and a sneaky one at that. It’s really got one job and that’s to hook us in, the rest is all just justification of drinking, that it relaxes you etc, but you will be so much more relaxed and at peace without it, stay with us, we are all here for you.

Thanks for much for your reply and support. I'm starting right now on an alcohol free life. I know the strength is in me but I do feel I need this community for support and advice.

Thanks for much for your reply and support. I'm starting right now on an alcohol free life. I know the strength is in me but I do feel I need this community for support and advice.

@EastCoastDamsel apologies, the first part of my last post was a quote from a pp and should've been in bold. I'm unsure why text alterations don't always work for me!
My own experience with alcohol, I'd say is probably 'typical' on a personal level- late teenage years drank to excess on a weekend, learned to drive and became designated driver which was easy due to my wild streak I never 'needed' drink, then I continued with life as sober but for a few times a year for likes of wedding, birthday, Christmas but tbh most of those times too I'd drive so wouldn't have any unless it was a free bar as money has always been a factor. I never drank at home until lockdown. Life overwhelms me and I buy alcohol from time to time, but once the kids are in bed I can't be bothered to actually drink it, less maybe 4 times a year max. When I do drink it's to get legless and it takes very little time to achieve that.

All of the prominent male figures in my life have been high functioning alcoholics i would say or alcohol dependent whatever the correct term is - I've heard a mixture but most seem to equate to the same thing in my experience. I've experienced (in these men) alcohol causing aggression, idleness and no difference to behaviour. I wonder what it says about me that my father was an alcoholic and so were (still are) the two men I married and another I had a long term relationship with.

Sorry I misunderstood your post then 🤦🏻‍♀️ @frankiefirstyear . Sorry for the confusion.

I was listening to this Sober Powered podcast on my run this morning about why moderation doesn't work for us. Which I found really insightful

DH is home and we've just had a rare row.
The hospital and he have been deceitful in disguising his illness and pain and I'm fuming. I am not able to offer full time care with my ongoing illness and that's what they have expected me to provide.
I was watching an old chick flick when I get asked to run around again.
So I am not in a good place. No peace, no time for me ever. I don't know why I bothered.

Oh, that's rubbish, @WendyWagon . Why weren't they upfront with you? Tt's not as though you can change your health status to fit with their plans, is it?

@frankiefirstyear I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please don't apologise to us for sharing what you're going through. It's important and we're here for you. I'm by no means an expert but I think a lot of people find themselves drawn to relationships with people with similar aspects to their parents, for good or for bad. But it does not make you any less of a valued or worthwhile person. It must pierce your soul to know that he's driving about while still over the limit. This (https://morning-after.org.uk/drink-drive-calculator/) gives you an idea on when you are safe to drive after drinking (it's not intended as a "how much can I still drink" tool), but it might help. It certainly helped me to think again about what and how much I was drinking at bedtime, knowing that I had to be driving to work the next morning. Sincere apologies if it only serves to make things worse. If he looks at it spelling out how much over the limit he still is, even after a "break" in drinking, then very sadly, it's probably only being stopped by the Police that will make him see sense and hopefully make some changes. Although you probably already know that. I am so, so sorry. Have you ever been in touch with Al-Anon, for families of drinkers? They can be very helpful. You can find them here: https://al-anonuk.org.uk/. Sending you love and strength. Please keep posting here, if you want to. Absolutely no judgement from me - only understanding and best hopes for you. ❤

I remember that Jo Brand quote @ShyMaryEllen - it was when she was on QI, I saw it on the BBC iPlayer recently. Close to home for me too. A long while ago now but I actually DID set my house on fire while p~ssed. A candle on the sofa burned down to the level of some post on the coffee table and the envelopes caught fire. It was the upstairs smoke alarm that woke me. I was downstairs asleep on the sofa, dozing through the downstairs alarm. I put it out myself, but had to get help from the pharmacist the next day for minor smoke inhalation. Sadly it was not the lesson it should have been. I didn't light candles anymore - but the drinking continued for a number of years beyond that. I guess, as drinkers, we are all playing with fire in one way or another, figuratively and literally. 😢

Welcome @Gotthis24 - I am so glad you have found us. You sound a lot like me, in the relationship with alcohol. I'm sorry. But it's a brave and powerful thing, to realise and admit to yourself that you might have a bit of an issue with drink and to seek out a bit of help. That's not easy to do. So many wonderful people here who really understand exactly how you're feeling - because we have felt it too. I can't recommend highly enough the two books in my OP (Catherine Gray and Clare Pooley) as a place to start. These threads (there are quite a few since the original one was started in 2020, all here on MN) are a literal lifesaver for me. Feel free to ask any questions that you have, or just sit with us for a bit. It's good to have you with us.

Hearty waves to @SeasideRock - day 126 is fabulous, what a victory. 🏆Glad that the Fast 800 is going OK, hopefully it will really pay off in lots of ways.

Hi @FlakyPanda - that's amazing on the 15 days - goddess-level stuff, just brilliant. 🏋️‍♀️ I've taken joy in the motivation coming back too, I know what you mean. I've got on with little jobs in the last few weeks around the house that have gone wanting for years. And been happy to do them. I'm so glad that you are enjoying the benefits and having more happy times with your family. SO chuffed for you.

Hi @WendyWagon . I'm so sorry. I'm glad he's out of hospital - but the masking and deceit is not good. I'm sure that fear (and possibly embarrassment) is part of it, but that's not helpful to you. Sending you much love. I hope things will be better soon. xx

Thank you for the Sidlove my friends. We have slightly overstretched ourselves today. But it was a good day nonetheless. Wishing you much joy and many happy times with the new dog @Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime - and no need to apologise to Sid; he loves Collies too. And Labradors. And Retrievers. And Lurchers. And Malamutes. And... 🙄😉

Good luck with the GNR tomorrow @threeandmeandthedog - full of awe at you for doing it. Sid and I might just about manage the Pitiful Southern Hobble tomorrow, but we'd not get far.

Here's Himself after today, young and thrusting pup that he pretends he still is.

Strength and love. Keep going. It will be alright. xx

I am so sorry to hear this @WendyWagon . That is rubbish. ☹️