Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024

992 replies

REP22 · 28/08/2024 11:42

Hello and welcome. I’m glad you’ve found your way here. We are a bunch of people who are trying to give up and keep off alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness.
The original thread was started by @Drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans and newer members who can offer advice and signposting. You are welcome here, whether you post several times a day, once or twice and then never again, or if you only just come to read but have no intention of ever posting.
Whatever your stage on the AF journey, and whatever you’re going through, someone here will have gone through it too. Don’t be shy about posting, we love to celebrate your successes of whatever shape and size - and will support you when things get challenging. We get it, we've been there too.

All we ask is that you’re genuinely trying to abstain. We don't encourage moderation-only here, as it can be triggering for some to read. If you’re looking to moderate your drinking rather than quitting it altogether then MN has another long-running and very active moderation/abstaining thread that’s always near the top on the alcohol support board. Lots of fine support there from those worthy people too.

I started trying to give up drink in 2018, succeeded (mostly) in 2019 but had a few “wobbles”, one of which led me here in April 2023, where @WendyWagon (our most recent ship’s captain) and the others made me feel so welcome. This thread and its wonderful posters has been a lifesaver to many, and have certainly seen me through many good and not-so-good days.

These books were particularly helpful to me and I still go back to them from time to time: The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (Amazon - Sober Diaries) and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray (Amazon - Unexpected Joy). Others have found This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (Amazon - This Naked Mind) helpful. There are Apps that help track your AF journey, including Reframe and the one I use, I Am Sober. Podcasts can also be helpful. I have found One for the Road by Sober Dave to be a good listen. But different things work for different people. Feel free to post and ask. There is solidarity, wisdom and support here. This is a safe space where your voice will be heard, understood and valued.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
59
cookiebee · 05/09/2024 14:01

@BoneTiredandWired you have all our support, keep posting when you need to, there is usually someone at home who will answer. If you are struggling with the notion that the reward of a drink is going to help at the end of the day you could always just take it completely off the table for today, say I’m not going to drink today but I might tomorrow, it’s not the best solution and is only temporary, but it means your not struggling today with that debate of will I or won’t I drink, I find it can help just pushing that proverbial drinking day down the road.

@WendyWagon oh tell me about it, I was reading the responses and then having to go check if I’d actually written any of this stuff they were going on about, I was sort of doing that confused nervous laughter to myself whilst thinking, what the hell is going on! 😂

ShyMaryEllen · 05/09/2024 14:02

I think the big thing is that our lives tend to change when we stop drinking, and it's those changes that make the difference. Yes, alcohol is full of empty calories, but on the whole we drink sitting still, so if we take up cross country running or something when we give up we will lose both the calories and burn more from exercise. My strategy of soaking in hot baths and going to bed after a bottle of fake wine is not particularly calorie-friendly😂.

I do need to tackle the weight, but it's really hard with limited mobility. One feeds on the other, of course - as I can't walk far, I get more unfit, so walking becomes harder. Hey ho.

I looked at the hypocrisy thread. It all seemed to be confusing too many issues to me. I guess that's why I struggled with quit lit. The authors wanted to boil it down to a theory (or a hypothesis anyway) and to me it's not as simple as that. I agree about the defensiveness though. Anyone who defends their right to drink (or anything else, really) so vigorously probably needs to look at why it is so important to them.

WendyWagon · 05/09/2024 14:05

@Cattery ive lost a lot of weight. 34kgs.
The reason was I used to scoff crisps, cheese and curry with my 1-2 bottles of wine. After a certain point I'd hoover up any tasty bits.

. In my first year sober I lost the taste for cheese, unheard of, my late dad used to call me mouse. Curry I still love but I began to see the old me coming through. I'm tall and like expensive clothes (it's my thing after my sisters hand-me-downs as a child). I also worried about carers in my old age. I was a whopper and most carers are tiny around here. They struggled with my old dad. Last year I lost the most due to RA in my jaw as well as everywhere else. I couldn't eat and drinking would have been madness but it would have knocked out the pain. That's how it use to work for me.
I still need to loose about 20kgs. I'm an 18 now but I am ample busted so I need to keep going. Your taste buds do change. Alcohol is quite bitter but full of sugar so you can develop a sweet tooth. I haven't because I would rather have fruit.
Aldi had some gorgeous plums yesterday. Highly recommend along with some salmon on special offer (that helps with the brain repair).

Cattery · 05/09/2024 14:16

@WendyWagon That’s interesting. Thank you

Cattery · 05/09/2024 14:18

cookiebee · 05/09/2024 13:25

@Cattery i did lose weight, over three stone, alcohol steadily increased my weight as the years went on, would dip a bit when I tried, but always went up gradually higher. I suppose alcohol calories are incredibly easy to consume. Now my weight is steady, I’m not puffy or bloated, so absolutely lost weight with a lot less effort, in fact no effort at all. Also one thing to note, and I think it’s pretty common with drinkers, when I wanted to lose weight, I would cut food out, but not alcohol, this could lead to getting drunk even quicker on occasions.

Thank you x

ShyMaryEllen · 05/09/2024 14:34

Oddly, I wasn't a snacker, but many people say it's their downfall, and for more moderate drinkers knowing that they will binge when drinking can be the reason they never tip into problem territory.

To be honest, I think that usually we can only do one thing at a time. If we've been big drinkers, giving up is a big deal, and combining that with other forms of self-denial is just too big an ask. Yes, excess weight is bad for the liver, but it's nowhere near as bad as constantly assaulting it with alcohol. When we feel confident that we can cope without the booze we can look at counting calories or cutting carbs and upping the exercise.

I think that beer drinkers lose the most the fastest. Beer is food as well as drink, and is drunk in larger quantities, so cutting that is more likely to have an impact on weight than gin or even wine, calorific as they are.

REP22 · 05/09/2024 15:58

Afternoon all. Thank you for the Sid-love, he is very flattered. I don't need to bribe him for pictures @ShyMaryEllen , a few opening bars of "Believe" by Cher or "I Am What I Am" generally smokes him out of the Sidcave and he's obliging in posing (eventually!). He will keep all things crossed for your application @Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime. Sid is a charity rehoming. All of my dogs have been rescues. Lots of questions these days on the forms. Gone are the days when you just look at the "inmates" and choose, though perhaps that's a good thing sometimes. I really hope that you are fortunate and find the one that's out there, waiting for you. Do keep us updated. 🤞

I love a quiz @EastCoastDamsel - and definitely better sober (more chance of victory too). I've got a photographic memory so quite handy in quizzes - I'd be utterly useless at DIY, ground works, medical stuff... but if you need to know all of Dr. Who's companions 1963 - 1989, or the name of Jim's first wife in Neighbours, I'm your girl. I went on MasterMind a few years ago. Made a total tit of myself, you'll be reassured to know.

Congratulations on 900 days @Onewildandpreciouslife - you are such an inspiration. ❤ I am sorry you are going through some hard times. Sending you all the love and good wishes you need. Hang in there. I wish I could say something that would make it better. We're with you and sending strength to get through the next few days and beyond.

Hope you had a fabulous birthday @ponzusoup - you are doing so, so well. Just amazing. ❤

I'm so sorry @WendyWagon - that's desperately worrying about your DH, you must be beside yourself. I really hope all will be well. Much love to you. xxx

Love and strength to you all.

OP posts:
EastCoastDamsel · 05/09/2024 16:26

So sorry to hear about DH @WendyWagon . All 🤞🏻 that things improve soon.

frankiefirstyear · 05/09/2024 17:59

ShyMaryEllen · 03/09/2024 20:08

@BoneTiredandWired welcome. Of course you can join in, and you can stop, however impossible that may seem. It comes down to working out why you drink - there are as many reasons as there are people on this thread, and you will have something in common with all of us, but there will be other areas where you are completely different. Think of it like a Venn Diagram. We all overlap in that we drank too much and decided to stop, some of us are in the 'unhappy childhood segment' and in the 'addictive personality' one, and others in the 'physically dependent' one, and so on. It would be so much easier if one size fit all, but it doesn't.

If you get withdrawal symptoms (beyond feeling a bit weepy and fluey) when you don't have a drink for a couple of days you might be physically addicted and should speak to your GP. It is dangerous to stop suddenly, as I'm sure you know. If you aren't physically addicted, you might like to replace your drink of choice with an AF alternative, so you go through the motions and rituals, but without the booze. That was really helpful for me, but others find it triggering. Whatever you do, get some Vitamin B1 (thiamine) and take a high dose (you will excrete what you don't need, so you won't overdose). That can prevent you getting brain damage - sorry to alarm you, but there is a slight risk of that, but if you take the B1 (it's fine in a VitB complex) you will prevent it.

I found other rituals useful, such as scented baths and hypnosis tracks through sleep headphones. Not everyone would like those, but for me it took away the fear of lying in bed unable to sleep, and I found it relaxing, whether or not the hypnosis worked. The headphones are cheap on Amazon, and hypnosis is widely available. Craig Beck is as good as any to start with.

Work out your danger zones and what to do in them. I carried on going out, which included licensed premises, but switched from wine to lime and soda or AF drinks. After a while that stopped - partly as I changed my friends, and partly as it just lost its appeal, but it stopped me feeling deprived when I was still missing the booze.

If you are worried about physical damage (oddly, a lot of drinkers have health anxiety, yet continue to put ourselves at risk) wait three months or so before getting LFTs done? That way you will be measured when there is no alcohol in your blood, and the repairs will be well under way, so there is far less chance of getting anything harmful on your records that might come back and bite you.

And keep posting. Knowing that people are here for you, and promising yourself that being part of something depends on your sobriety is a real motivator. I've been stopped for 7 years now, and posted elsewhere when I stopped, but it was the same principle.

Do it for your children, if not for yourself. If they don't grow up with a drunk for a mother they won't thank you for it - motherhood is a fairly thankless task 😂 - but they won't blame you, which is more of a blessing than you can know.

What a wonderfully inspiring message, thank you for this. I will take away the information from this and bleed it through kindly to my DH.

ShyMaryEllen · 05/09/2024 19:38

I will take away the information from this and bleed it through kindly to my DH.
Good luck. x

In other news, I sent a message to my daughter, and may have made things worse 🙄. In some ways I'm ok with that, as at least she's responded, albeit angrily. I'm not one for pointed silences. Nor is she really, so bringing things to a head might be helpful, if painful.

REP22 · 05/09/2024 22:38

@ShyMaryEllen I'm so sorry that you've not had the sort of response you were hoping for. But you said what you wanted to say, and reached out with love and good intentions in your heart. And you're right - sometimes some things need to be said, to be released, before they can be let go of, and you can move on forwards. Sometimes you need to tear off the plaster, however much it hurts in the moment, so that the skin can breathe and the wound can start to heal.
Sending love to you. x

OP posts:
WendyWagon · 06/09/2024 06:45

Morning all,
Ships nurse here.
Waiting for paramedics last night again.

Husband needs in patient care. Hopefully he's off to the hospital today. I'm on duty for everything.
I got lost walking the dog last night! There's no logic to these modern developments.

@ShyMaryEllen im sorry your DD is still angry. My son frequently blows a gasket. It's more frustration from him. I think if she's answered that is better than silence.
When my brother died last year my sister didn't even pick up the phone. However she is not someone I love.

I'm doing all the household stuff today after a quick breakfast. The DD needs to step up. She's hiding mostly until university.

cookiebee · 06/09/2024 06:53

So up very early today, since I stopped drinking me and my partner have had to find new ways of socialising together, otherwise we just end up staring at the tv or our phones. We used to do all our catching up over beers, but obviously can’t anymore, he very happily gave up alcohol as well.

So Friday has become supermarket day, we go there for breakfast and then to shop. He has really taken to this, a lot more than me, and he insists we get there for 8 before all the other assholes get all the good booths in the cafe. We tried this on a Sunday, but it seems that all the customers send their wives to the booths as place markers and we can’t seem to outsmart them 😂.

Later I need to put all the furniture back in place in the spare room. I have just finished repainting it stonewashed blue, I chose this because I had some left over from decorating the living room. I initially went a bit mental and painted it dark green, thinking it would look awesome with all my retro bits and bobs, but no amount of squinting and tilting my head sideways could make it look any better, it’s at least a bit more restful now, not that it’s ever slept in. Because we don’t drink we don’t really have overnight guests anymore, and I don’t stay up later drinking and have to sleep in a spare room because of my snoring.

Hope you all have a wonderful Friday.

cookiebee · 06/09/2024 06:56

@WendyWagon I’m sorry, I just finished my frivolous message when I saw your update, I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time, you must be absolutely mentally and physically worn out, all the best to you, hope your day gets a bit better in some way.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 06/09/2024 07:28

@WendyWagon so sorry to hear about DH - I hope he gets admitted today and gets the care he needs.

I got the call earlier this week that DM was dying so rushed to see her - as much as you can rush when she lives 5 hours away. Horrendous train journey with lots of cancellations, but made it in the end. She has now made a significant recovery, but I suspect that this will only last a few days. Really difficult to know what to do - I have had the offer of a lift home tomorrow so think I will take it unless she deteriorates significantly today.

EastCoastDamsel · 06/09/2024 07:29

Ahoy.

Sorry to hear your DH needs inpatient care @WendyWagon , at least you know he is in the right place now though.

My DH still drinks, though not at home anymore but we took have had to find ways to spend time together not 🍻 ng. We're scheduling in dog walks at lunch time when we are both WFH and doing "out" one night per week when the kids are boarding. This week we did the pub quiz, sometimes we go for a meal and others a film at the small cinema in the local town. It's great actually much better connecting.

Well, off for a run and then work.

Have a good day all an much strength for the upcoming Friday Night.

EastCoastDamsel · 06/09/2024 07:35

@Onewildandpreciouslife so sorry to hear about your DM.

It can be so difficult to know what to do in these situations.

My DGM rallied many times over years! So much so that DM stopped telling the rest of the family when the doctors said she had days left as people would end up traveling across country only to find she had made a miraculous recovery.

On the other hand DB was still making future plans 24hrs before he died.

I was very fortunate to be able to go and just stay with DM and DF for the few weeks before he died and although I am still full of conflicting emotions about his death, our relationship and loads of other things, it was a real privilege to have the time to be there together.

Sending much love to you today and over the coming days and weeks.

cookiebee · 06/09/2024 07:57

I’m sorry to hear of all your troubles everyone, my mum dropped dead in January 2023, two weeks later I was rushed to hospital with pancreatitis and couldn’t ever drink again, the wake was interesting, my family are hard drinkers and smokers but you have to just get on with it. Interestingly it was only really drinking with my parents that helped us bond, before that I was a shy nerdy enigma to them 😂

ponzusoup · 06/09/2024 08:10

@Onewildandpreciouslife @WendyWagon so sorry about your loved ones illnesses sending love.

@ShyMaryEllen hang tight about DD. you are magnificent and kind.

ponzusoup · 06/09/2024 08:59

@cookiebee wow what a thing to have to deal with in such close proximity. in awe of your sobriety when you could've said fuck it. have you recovered from pancreatitis?

ShyMaryEllen · 06/09/2024 09:24

Happy Friday everyone!

It seems like the Good Ship Sobriety is on choppy waters for many of us just now. That's obviously rubbish for those going through hard times, but at the risk of being Pollyanna about it, whatever 'it' is would be so much worse if we were drinking. One of the many good things about being sober is that we can face problems head on, and deal with them as sensibly as we can.

I remember those excellent ideas that would come late at night after a bottle of wine, and how utterly dreadful they turned out to be in the cold light of day. It was often just good fortune that kept them under wraps - a fortuitous power cut or an urgent desire to sleep before putting them into practice. Failing that, the cold feeling of waking up trying to piece together the memories of just how far we'd followed through, and the desperate search for damage limitation strategies was just grim, and took so much time away from actually solving the problems. Let's not go back there?

My Friday holds sorting. I hate it (undiagnosed ADD), and have Doom Piles everywhere. The cleaner is due at 10.00, but we went away when she left last week and just got back last night, so nothing needs doing. I'm going to ask her to help me sort out 'stuff' instead of cleaning. I find it so much easier to do it with someone helping, although I can't do it when Husband is around. I've no idea why, but I have to wait till he goes out to do anything like that. It's quite common with ADD, I think. Another of life's mysteries. Since realising I had many of the qualities of ADD I am able to be much kinder to myself. I grew up being told I was lazy, disorganised and generally useless, which objectively was nonsense - I had three degrees, a professional career and was active in the community as well as (badly) running a house and raising children - but I'm sure we all know how we internalise those things. Now I can understand that at least some of it is neurological I can be more forgiving, even the some of the traits annoy even me.

Anyway, it's nearly the weekend. I always found that easier, contrary as I am 😎. Not having the routine of 'work - go out - top up at home' made weekends easier drink-wise, so long as there wasn't too much by way of social occasions going on. I know weekends are difficult for most though, so I wish you all strength and determination.

cookiebee · 06/09/2024 10:05

Thanks@ponzusoup i did have another long hospital stay this time last year, with a pancreatic pseudocyst, still takes me a few goes to spell that! And I think I’m having some issues now, but have a scan next Wednesday evening to check as I could be imagining it 😂, though something is up, but il live, definitely a lot longer without alcohol and cigarettes anyway, those things have finished many of my family off way too young, I very nearly joined them. On the plus side I’m straight off to the airport hotel after my scan and onto Greece for a cruise, have done a few sober holidays now, first cruise since quitting though, I know I can do it.

@ShyMaryEllen ah yes, the brilliant ideas and also for me messaging people, in the end I took to setting myself a reminder for the next day, most of the time when these ideas popped up on a reminder the following morning I would have huge relief that I didn’t follow through the night before. As for the sorting I understand some of this, I have piles and boxes to sort, but I freeze in an almost overwhelming panic when I start to try and organise stuff then have to just walk away. Hope you make some progress.

REP22 · 06/09/2024 13:41

@Onewildandpreciouslife I am so, so sorry about your mother. I am glad you were able to get there, despite the rail network's best efforts. I hope she is comfortable and peaceful. Wishing you strength for now and all that is to come.

@WendyWagon - sorry to hear that your DH is still so poorly. No wonder you got lost with the dog, I expect your mind is in about a thousand different places at the moment. I hope that he gets admitted today and then they can get to the bottom of what's wrong and he can begin to mend. Much love to you.

@cookiebee your words are never frivolous! It's great to read your progress and your thoughts. I really hope your scan goes OK next week. ❤

@EastCoastDamsel I'm glad you had that time with your DF, even though emotions can be conflicted, especially if childhoods and families are not as they could have been. I don't know what's worse really, a sudden loss, a longer one with time to say goodbye and what needs to be said. Probably least of all the "it's time" and then sudden rallying - my heart really goes out to @Onewildandpreciouslife with this. My own lovely DF went suddenly, without any warning. He dropped me off at work one morning and was gone 20 minutes later. It was a terrible shock. But sometimes I wonder if that was not the better, kinder way. I don't think he would have been a good patient in a prolonged struggle. I miss him a lot; he was often the voice of reason and kindness in a home where it was sadly much lacking elsewhere.

@ShyMaryEllen - I used to have wonderfully creative ideas when drunk too. Every SM post was witty and clever, every plan a guaranteed winner. Utter b~ll~cks all, in the grim, craven light of day, of course.

Sorting out lies ahead for me too. I must keep myself busy - distraction and occupation are key for me in the temptation wars. I'm trying to do a little bit at a time. Small, manageable things that make my home a little bit better. Sid and I live in a tiny, one bedroom housing association place. I am very, very lucky to have it. It's much better now but for a long time it was in a dreadful state. It looked exactly how you might expect the inside of a house belonging to an addicted person who has not been coping with life for a number of years would look. Horrible. As part of recovering, I paid a house-clearance company to help me with the worst, just to make it bearable. Now it is really quite nice. It is clean, but still a bit cluttered. So Sid and I have tackled a lot in the last few week, when not at cricket. Now the season is over I shall be tackling bigger areas. The cupboard under the stairs tomorrow, methinks. Just one box at a time. Little things that aren't overwhelming, but which help to make the place just that little bit better. Lurking somewhere in there is a stepping machine that I bought off a late-night shopping thing (when drinking) in a short-lived self-improvement fit and never used. I shall be pleased when I find it - it will hopefully, finally, become money well-spent. Although it will probably unnerve Sid.

@Marchpane123, @Cattery, @Beachfront, @Chance21, @CockerMum @BoneTiredandWired, @FlakyPanda, @SeasideRock, @SylviaB, @Steppered, @Orchid09, @happyasagrig , @Wazzzzzuuuuuuup and @Phoebewillow how are you doing? Hope you're keeping well.

I am so sorry for all of us who are finding events and life a bit challenging at the moment (me too). Choppy seas, as @ShyMaryEllen says. And the Wine Witch/Voldemort of Vodka always whispers so soothingly at us when we are at our lowest ebb, rat-b~st~rd that it is. The "I deserve this" or "I need this to get me through... or however can I bear it?" Don't listen. It's a lie and it will make you feel worse than you already do. I'm sorry.

I posted this on the last thread, and thought it may help someone if I shared it again. It's called Keep Going, by Edgar Guest.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
And the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than it seems
To a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up when he
Might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.
It's when things seem worst that
You must not quit.

I've often repeated to myself those last three lines. My sincere apologies if it sounds trite and glibly offensive in the face of your present trials. Some of what you're dealing with is among the worst that life has to throw. - But I share it with you now with love from me and Sid.

All strength and much love to you. x

OP posts:
ShyMaryEllen · 06/09/2024 15:31

Not remotely offensive, @REP22 . I'm a sucker for a poem, so don't get me started 😉

With the cleaner in charge we got sorted in half an hour! Two of those huge IKEA blue bags full of miscellany were given short shrift. She took some of it away, some went in the bin, and the rest were put away in an organised manner. It would have taken me all day, and half of it would have been put back in a 'decide later' bag. I'm not too bad at keeping on top of things when they've been sorted, but I'm atrocious at doing the sorting.

What I will say, however, is that my house is so much easier to manage when I'm present in it. Rolling in late and getting up the next day for work, then using the weekends as recovery time is not conducive to good housekeeping. I'll never be Kim or Aggie, but I'm no longer Stig of the Dump.

REP22 · 06/09/2024 16:54

Oh lordy, I'm queen of the "decide later bags" @ShyMaryEllen - they abound in my house. I will tackle one tomorrow. I used to like the Kim and Aggie programmes (I even used one of their tips for cleaning the bathroom recently - baking soda and liquid soap. Magic). My house is definitely more Stig of the Dump, crossed with PigPen from Peanuts, though it's getting better. I read a description of myself from a few years ago, which was not intended for my eyes, recently. It said "REP22 is an articulate, well-presented if somewhat dishevelled, young lady. I gloried in the "somewhat". Although that was while I was still drinking a bit. Much better now, if only marginally less dishevelled. I'm still loving your wonderful poem. I re-read it often and it always makes me smile. ❤

Apart from the sorting, I might head out to a country showground tomorrow, now the cricket season is over. They're having a novelty dog show, with which I have threatened young Sidney if he doesn't behave himself.

Here he is, preparing himself for a particularly low-key, unassuming public appearance.

Especial strength for tonight and the weekend. xx

The Continuing Support Thread for Anyone Trying to Lead an Alcohol-Free Life Autumn 2024
OP posts: