Day 1 or 100 tulips and snowdrops say #browniesnotbeer

[CoffeeLover90]

Didn't think I'd be worthy, being so new to these threads, but an amazingly brave woman managed to drive past a shop today and not give into cravings. And I was one of the people that were thanked. I'm humbled.
I may not post on here daily, life, child and pets demand attention but I hope people find what I have from this- encouragement, reassurance and no judgement.

It's been almost a year since I began drinking 3 to 7 days per week. In that time I've many failed attempts to stop or moderate.
I'm now on my longest dry spell since my first attempt. Day 21, with @AFmammaG beside me.
I have no plans for September. I'm in an hour by hour, day by day situation.
I will do Sober for October. Definitely. No doubt.

#browniesnotbeer came to mind when another poster mentioned they'd 'rage ate' a brownie rather than pour a drink. I've turned to food but balancing that with exercise and telling myself it will be easier to cut out chocolate. Although I could be lying to myself there...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5066932-day-1-or-1000-all-welcome-on-the-tulips-and-snowdrops-thread?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Thank you both so much. After some research it’s £250 for a year so I will need to talk to DH before I sign up. That’s quite a lot to pay out before Christmas 😭 I think I may need to go for willpower between now and the new year and then sign up. I did notice they do 3 instalments but I’d rather not have those payments hanging over me.

I managed to watch a bit of the show linked above and it really is shocking how quickly someone’s condition can deteriorate before they realise how much damage has been done. I’m glad they showed that someone had got themselves back into the normal range within a year of stopping.

I caved. I'm reading the posts and that link and I'm crying. I'm so scared. I don't want to die

I'm 34. My son is 5. He only has me really. He's autistic and I know people try to understand but they can't really. I can't leave him. I wish there was a magic pill I could take to stop this. I want to be better but the night comes and it dawns on me how fucking lonely I am. Through my own stupidity, wasting years on the wrong person and now I'm a mental and physical mess I can't fix myself.
I feel like I let him down every day. There's always more I could have done. Guilt and shame take over and I just look for a way to numb it. Then the cycle begins again.
I write post after post on these threads, vowing to be determined and I always mean it. I just never seem to follow through.
I'm just so scared. I feel completely weak and deflated

Sorry @CoffeeLover90 I didn't mean to scare anyone and did think twice before posting it.I mean if it affected everyone that way myself, none of my friends or family (my Dad drank a bottle of whiskey/sherry most days) would have livers.Take the message from it that your organs can heal when you take a break from alcohol rather than that the worse possible thing could happen.It's easy to catastrophic when anxious and I should have been more careful sharing it xxx

And no body knows. How could they? That's how lonely I am. No one even notices that I'm hiding away slowly killing myself
I'm sorry for going on. I can't stop crying

@CoffeeLover90 have you considered speaking to your GP?Talking to mine when I was really low and crippled with anxiety really, really helped and changed everything.Theres no magic pill you are right- but there ARE pills if you are not coping that can get you to a place where you feel less overwhelmed and able to tackle the day.CBT was a bit useless for me (works for many others but because of my job i already think that way) but counselling did help. There are also lots of local alcohol support groups in the community which might be something to think about? I know as I was googling them with 2 black eyes recently and haven't ruled out attending yet.

Seen your last post please make an appointment with your GP today.It's so important to ask for professional help when you can't stop crying and feel so helpless..I'm so sorry you feel so alone and upset.Keep posting as there's a group of people to listen here.Is there anyone IRL you can reach out to and be honest with?

I went to gp after a bout of depression a few months ago. The antidepressants made me ill, I was dry at the time so it was purely the tablets. Counselling helped.
I'd speak to alcohol support groups but I'm scared they tell social services, I can't cope with all of that
No one in real life that I close enough with to support me with no judgement
I don't usually get this upset after drinking. I think while waiting to hear what's going on with my mum has really made me realise what I'm doing to myself and it's hit me like a tonne of bricks
If I keep this up I am going to die. I'm not even over weight to the point I look unhealthy, my skins bad due to rosacea and I brush my teeth and use mouthwash 3 times a day when I am drinking. I'm not showing any signs so no one can see.
I'm going to ring the support group anonymous and find out more. I'll do that but not today

I think that's a really good plan.In fact making a small plan might help?Small steps, little actions rather than one big scary leap.I work in safeguarding-and all children's services would do is refer you to an alcohol support group such as Change, Grow ,Iive (not sure if this is nationwide) so the fact you were attending AA or whatever would not be reason for you to be referred in...it's a massive positive step you would be making for your family not a safeguarding issue.And you would get to meet other people you can be honest with who get it.Good luck today.I hope your Mum is OK?

Also...you are a single mum, worried about your own mum with little support.Don't beat yourself up for struggling sometimes -that's bloody hard!

It is hard, I never deny it. But it has to be done. Mum is a lot calmer now, she's been told the chances are it's a hernia or kidney stones. Has scans etc booked in. She'd been put through with malignant on the referral letter hence, her panic. Dr assured her this was just to get her seen urgently.
I have a plan for today. Just one step at a time. The plan is to work. Not the best plan but I've dried my eyes.

@CoffeeLover90 I don't know you. I'm just a newbie on here but can already see that you have a huge lot to deal with in your life. Being a mother to a small child is hard, add in to that being a single mother, child having ASD, own difficult childhood, feeling isolated, abusive ex etc. There's probably more you haven't mentioned online. Is it any wonder you have been drinking?. Not trying to sell it here obviously but in the short term alcohol is a wonderful thing - it is so good at taking the edge off all the problems in life and numbing the pain. It's amazing!! It's just such a shame it has the downside. Don't worry about what you have drunk already, you can't do anything about that. Look forward. You have to make yourself an absolute priority. I would go back to the GP, try therapy again, try to find things to enjoy - do you have any old hobbies you could get into again? One of my pet hates at the moment is TV programmes where they can be about some random subject such as car maintenance, fishing or bloomin anything then they have to have a two minute speech about how getting out into nature for a walk helps with mental health. I always make a point of muttering to the dogs "oh Grr here they bloody go again with their tramping through the forest" but now I am going to say exactly the same thing. If you can try to get out for a walk everyday. I'm not going to go on and on as you can find out all the advice online anyways so all I will leave you with is don't be so hard on yourself and please don't stop posting on here, even if you continue to drink. We are your village!!

Also @CoffeeLover90 I thought I had rosacea too and when it was really bad went back to GP, saw a locum who prescribed Invermectin cream. My face cleared up in days. When I googled it, it seems that I had an overgrowth of facial mites which can happen when your immune system is low. Yuk, what a thought. I have never actually told anyone that as it is so yuk.

@CoffeeLover90 I feel we are in the same headspace at the moment because on my way home from work today I actually thought to myself “no one knows”. I went to work. I performed. In fact I got praised for my work today. No one knows. Even my DH doesn’t really know what I am going through right now. It’s not shame stopping me telling him, it’s fear. I just can’t admit it to anyone. I can’t get the words out. I didn’t speak to him about one year no beer because of it. I’d rather just stop. Except I haven’t. And I can’t seem to.

@AFmammaG I was so ashamed of falling over and concussing myself, of how I can't just have 1 drink and get absolutely plastered. But I tried just being honest with people this time, and it actually helped.No one pushes you to have a drink when you tell them you woke up with an injury.People were really understanding and concerned .It kind of took my shame away and also once out in the open I felt I could start working on it.

Thank you all so much. I'm here, I'm dry although not without effort.
I do enjoy walking and do it most days, have no choice with school run anyway. Don't enjoy it so much in the cold. I had boring hobbies of reading and watching movies/TV, very easy to pick up as have around 70 books lol
Today's plan- went to work as usual. Strangely, I've been praised for my work a lot recently too. Despite being mentally up and down.
We've two Christmas events coming up, where alcohol is available, I've told my close colleagues I can't drink. I blamed it on having to be up early the next day. A little banter from a couple but nothing else. Events must be attended as one is covered by the company and the other we've all paid a deposit for. None of them are heavy drinkers, I'd bet they'd have 2 at most, some none due to driving.
I've contacted the counselling service which is free from my employer, an external company but costs are covered by work, I've used them before and expect they'll be in touch this week with an appointment.
I looked into our local alcohol support group and I can't see it being for me, part of their process is attending one on one appointments as well as group work. I think I'll gain more through counselling, combating the route causes of my drinking.
It is definitely fear holding me back from opening up. I'm ashamed of myself but I don't think anyone else would be, some may judge. I just can't bring myself to say it out loud.
I don't think I've even typed it. I'm an alcoholic. A functioning one but that's no better than those who crack open cider at 7am in my personal opinion. An addict is an addict. And that's what I am.
I'm worried that I'll either hit rock bottom or have a major health scare before I change. I don't want to get to that point. This morning was like an epiphany. I spent so many years not caring if I didn't wake up in the morning. Nothing mattered I was so numb. I lost a little boy at 19 weeks. I just floated through life, waiting to die. Then I had my son, my rainbow baby, and I realised all I wanted to do was live. I know my little one will wait for me and understand I'm needed here. I can't go anywhere yet.

What an emotional post, thank you for sharing @CoffeeLover90. I’m binge watching I’m a Celeb, will head to bed soon.

I'm here, dry, counting down the days until Friday- for time off work, it's pretty busy- had a really good driving lesson today. I usually enjoy them but this one in particular, stood out. That's a good sign. Son is an elf in his Christmas play, I've bought him an elf costume and I'm looking forward to that.

I'm off work now for 5 days.Needed as it's been so exhausting.Going to stay in bed this morning as I can't get a space on my yoga class, walk the dog later and just look after myself. My Zoe app results came through and following their plan makes me want to stay sober.Sugar cravings have gone too but it was a bumpy ride....its only taken 3 weeks of cutting it back for my cravings to go but it was so hard.Christmas decorations are going up this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.I always have a Baileys (or a bottle ) with the decorations.This year I'm swapping to cocoa.Or I might look for an AF homemade dupe.

I had a hot chocolate orange drink last Friday when I put the decorations up, it was very chilly so a warm drink was needed.
I've got so much to do this weekend, I need to keep busy.

I’m seriously struggling. With everything. My kids are so difficult to manage. DH has been ill all week. Last night I drank a bottle of wine. Didn’t enjoy it and feel awful this morning. Like deeply depressed.

This morning for the first time in a long time I actually felt that flicker of ending my life. I’m so tired of this battle. People are so quick to say people with addiction issues are selfish and I guess that would be the ultimate selfish act. I just can’t face another day of this.

Before anyone panics, I won’t (obviously), I’m just sounding off.

Hi @AFmammaG I haven’t been around lately to contribute but your last comment made me want to.

I'm not sure if this is supportive or unsupportive (I obviously intend it to be the first!) but you know full well this is the booze speaking. I know this because that is when I too get “flickers”. There’s such a huge difference in your posts between where are you are mid long streak and thriving and this and I wish you could see that too.

Here’s the magic - you do not have to see another day of this. You can can grasp the whole bloody thing right now, and not drink today and then you will already be one step closer. You know you can, you’ve done it before. Yes, you have to do it again. Tomorrow will then already be infinitely better than today.

As a 12 year old boy remarked to me yesterday, what’s so bloody special about Jan 1st? Just do it today. His mother isn’t winning this particular battle at the moment but he is so supportive of her trying to. That support and belief is worth fighting for.

in the short term, change the scenery today. Get outside, blow cobwebs away. Drink tea, eat cake, watch a film. Have a bath, go to bed.

Thank you @TimesaChangeling. I appreciate your response. And yes, the difference in the tone of my posts is hugely obvious. I’m a fairly intelligent person. I know what makes me feel better. It really is simple. But I have so many reasons why I can’t do it. God I’m just like that little boys Mum. Weak. It’s so sad.