Tulips, snowdrops and another Day 1!

[MamaGhina]

New thread as promised. I’ll pop on later to tag everyone as I wanted to get this link on the old thread before it fills up!

Link to the old one for any new joiners:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4877066-its-day-1-anyone-else?page=40

Oh @MamaGhina I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. It sounds to me as if you have so much on your plate at the moment. I don't know the answer - I too feel that if I stop trying then I would simply drink every day (which is exactly what happens) so I think I just have to keep trying. But I understand that can feel exhausting and frustrating and perhaps unfair (i.e. why do other people seem to be able to drink normally while I have to put so much energy into not downing a bottle every time I open one).

I'm afraid I'm at work at the moment so don't have much time to write a more considered response but I wanted to send you some solidarity and support.

Take care of yourself

Feel exactly the same as you @MamaGhina
It's hard

@Pinotgrigioblues I’m also too scared to try anything like that. I clearly have an addictive personality and anything I can ‘abuse’ I do, be it alcohol, food, sleep. Sometimes, believe it or not, even exercise. I know if I tried any type of drug it would be a bad choice for me. Interested to hear from anyone who has had a good experience going down that route though.

Thank you @Limeandsoda2023 and @Steppered - I’m sorry you can relate.

I do feel low. Unusually so for me. I normally start a new week with renewed fight but not this time. I almost feel resigned to my fate.

Hi all. So sorry I have not been on here to support you all and sorry to hear some of you are having such a tough time.

Sending love and strength. Will try and write more later.

Hello all. Luckily I have a bit of quiet time just before I take the dog out. I have a very rare moment home alone - bliss!

Sorry I haven’t been around but life has been a bit mad. I am still trudging on with staying off alcohol. The massive load of energy and positivity has not materialised and I seem to be eating chocolate instead of wine but I am surviving.

I was very much a glass of wine or 5 per night kind of person and I don’t really know what changed for me back in September but I did do a hypnotherapy session for moderating alcohol. What was weird is that there is one bit which has stayed with me, which was about visualising myself sitting drinking alone, and somehow in my brain, that visualisation extended to thinking about my kids at my funeral if my death had been caused by drinking. And it has just stayed with me. I suspect those who are struggling have already tried hypnotherapy and this might be no use at all, but if you haven’t tried it, it may be worth a shot.

I am not sure whether I really believe in it but something happened to my thought process for sure.

Beyond those thoughts, all I can say is that EVERY time you choose not to drink when you previously did drink, you are doing your body and mind a favour. And it doesn’t matter if that turns out to be most days on, and only some days off if that is an improvement to your old self. And it doesn’t matter if you can’t do 100 days but can do 2 days. Because achieving your 2 days (or whatever you can achieve) is so much better than not trying at all.

I am crap at this stuff but would it help to make this thread nothing about day 1s any more, and more about sharing positive things you have achieved - a walk, some exercise, doing a hobby, a nice recipe, a work achievement - as it sounds like everyone needs a lift and maybe it would help to focus on the positives rather than what isn’t going so well at the moment?

Hey @MamaGhina how’s you today?

I have a tiny bit of experience with psychedelics when I took salvia (a different psychedelic to psilocybin) about 10 years ago. I wasn’t prepared for what happened…it wasn’t the fun trip I was hoping for and I found them to be completely non-addictive. A bit scary really, and as a result I have huge respect for psilocybin and treat it very seriously. What I’d like is to try a psilocybin trip with a shaman or guide. It wouldn’t be a recreational experience at all. I already microdose psilocybin on a regular basis and have found it helpful when my ADHD meds aren’t available. It’s a tiny enough dose that you don’t feel any sort of affect. Many people say it’s better than taking SSRI or stimulant medications. I haven’t done it with enough consistency to say either way, but have experienced increased creativity and a better ability to focus on things.

I think I’m really going to try and find someone to help me do it properly this year. Nothing else has worked and psilocybin is non addictive and very safe in terms of harm. In fact far, far safer than alcohol in the scheme of things!

@MissSmith80 & @MamaGhina Everything I thought would happen at the gig happened. It really brought it home to me that I’m making the right decision by taking a step back from the solo work. Lucrative as it is, I’m not mentally strong enough to do it any more and thankfully only have a handful of commitments to uphold this year. It’s really not worth it if I spend the week running up drinking every night to cope with the stress.

Morning all. I have managed two sober nights after drinking every night for about 10 days. The difference I feel upon waking after not drinking is so much better. I’m heading in to my busy weekend of travelling for work (Bristol and Wales) in a much better place than last week. Hope you all have lovely weekends!

Joining again, day two, feeling completely poisoned 🤢. But know the only way is up from here, just going to rest as much as possible and be kind to myself (obviously at the same time as hating myself!) the joys of the two day hangover 😵

Welcome back @ChampooPapi, how did you get on over the weekend?

I drank 3 nights in a row. Poisoned is a fairly accurate word to describe how I feel. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Totally stressed out by the week ahead and had that awful anxious feeling of what am I doing to myself.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m back in the same place I was in August last year. Probably more tired then ever. It just all feels so pointless.

I know progress isn’t a straight line etc etc and any day dry is a good day but I’m no where near where I want to be. I keep changing the goal due to failure after failure and I’m tired of it. I can’t even manage a week at the moment.

Last night I was thinking maybe I’ll just try for a dry Easter but I know I probably won’t be able to do that. Why?! That would be just 2 weekends and I know I would feel significantly better if I did, so why can’t I?

These are obviously completely rhetorical questions. No one here knows what it is about me that is making this journey so devastatingly impossible. Impossible. Thanks exactly how I’m feeling about staying dry right now.

Hey @MamaGhina, it’s so hard sometimes. I really feel for you, it’s a bloody nightmare.

I am finally feeling slightly more human and have stayed dry and sober. Taking it day by day as one is supposed to, I am determined to keep getting back on this horse when I fall because the alternative is basically obliteration of everything I care about and everything I have and do work for. Day four here , going to crack on with coursework and keep trucking on

Sorry to hear you are feeling so disheartened @MamaGhina. The worrying and feeling so helpless is a bit of a sign on its own that you are working hard though and the conflict is so real. You are trying to undo a lifetime of conditioning and it is so embedded.

What do you think might help? Is it community? Would it be a new activity that you can do at some of the worst trigger points? Would it be deciding to eat early so the urge to drink is satiated by food instead? Or now it is lighter getting out in the evening? Get a dog (I love dogs!). But just sitting there hoping you won’t drink sounds really miserable and you have been such a stalwart on these threads since the beginning, and that in itself is amazing. So please don’t underrate your progress.

@ChampooPapi well done on day 4! Glad to hear you are feeling some benefit.

@TimesaChangeling thank you for your message. This is actually the problem. I’ve been trying to stop for so long now that I feel like I’ve exhausted all the tools I have at my disposal. It is bloody miserable. If I can be honest on here, I really do believe if DH didn’t drink so much it would be much easier. I’m absolutely not blaming him, I own my actions, but having him sat there drinking on an evening just makes not drinking so much harder.

When I was on here a couple of weeks ago saying I’d broken my one bottle rule, I secretly blamed him 😆 I’d had my one bottle and essentially called it a night and he came in from the pub and asked if I wanted to share a bottle. Of course I should/could have said no but I think it’s pretty clear here I lack will power.

It’s a bit like being overweight and dieting and having a slim partner who stuffs cake every night with no obvious effect. Most people would break right?

Completely… that would be really tough if it were under your nose the whole time. What would his reaction be if you asked him to stop / just drink in the pub or on certain nights when you could get away? (Sorry if you have already mentioned this somewhere).

There’s no way he would. He doesn’t think either he or I have any sort of issue and whilst he knows factually we drink more then the recommended amount, he doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
I feel like his view of alcohol dependence is quite old fashioned, drunk in the street is what an alcoholic looks like. Not someone who works full time, takes their kids to football on a Sunday morning etc etc
We had a conversation about me reducing my drinking and whilst he didn’t see the need, he said he would be supportive. He still added my favourite wine to the weekly shop and would ask me if I was drinking ‘tonight’. But then I can’t blame him. I’ve tried to stop some many times before I’m the boy who cried wolf.

Maybe it has to be spelled out it for him then, don’t offer / don’t ask. If you decide you want it then you’ll say? That plus maybe you need an escape pod in your own house (mine is the bath tub, I’m very clean!).

It’s not crying wolf to keep trying though…

I realise it must be insanely hard. My ex ended up a full blown alcoholic a few years after we split and when we lived together, he drank every night. I quickly realised (because, idiot I was, I hadn’t understood the situation before we moved in together) that I couldn’t be doing that and I had to carve my own path. We are not our partners and sometimes it is time to seek what you need and not what the relationship “needs”. I still remember him wailing drunk at me “you were always so much stronger, you could take nights off”.

So really, really don’t discount the dry days. They mean a lot more than you think.

Anyway, sorry I know none of this is actually helping!

Checking in to see how you are all getting on? Be good to hear from you, whether you are managing to have some dry days or not.

I am on Day 206 but still experiencing new tests. For the first time since I started, my husband had a glass of wine at home. I resisted and the bottle been in the fridge open for a week and I haven’t touched it. I wasn’t tempted to be honest but had he been doing this all along, I can see how hard it would have been as it would be so easy to join him for a glass. He did try and tempt me with ‘just one glass’ which he knows I can’t do. I sympathise with those whose partner isn’t supportive.

Just checking in folks. It’s not going well. I’m still drinking a bottle every night. My gastric reflux is horrendous today. Why do I do it to myself!? I’m a singer by profession, and reflux is my enemy…as am I it seems!

Lovely @MamaGhina please don’t be so hard on yourself. This struggle is real. I’ve been told that the shame is what keeps us unwell, so please take every sober day as a win. Thanks for being so honest. I’ve been hiding a little and need to check in for accountability.

I’ve got a big work weekend coming up with some of my worst challenges. I want to pledge sobriety (at least until it’s over) but not sure I’m strong enough to right now.

Oh @MamaGhina - you poor thing, you have got so much going on. I am sorry to say I can’t offer any advice really as not in the educational sector and don’t have any experience of SEN. Hopefully someone else can offer more advice and support.

Thank you @BoilingHotand50something, I do appreciate you saying that and replying.
I often blame myself for my son’s SEN/behaviour because I focused so heavily on my daughter and her condition. It was all consuming for so many years and we are only just getting on top of it/ getting to a place where she can lead a “normal” life. My son definitely wasn’t neglected in any sense of the word but he had his own issues. And then we had lockdown after lockdown.

I just don’t know whether I need or should come down really hard for this or accept this may be actually be part of his condition.