Tulips, snowdrops and another Day 1!

[MamaGhina]

New thread as promised. I’ll pop on later to tag everyone as I wanted to get this link on the old thread before it fills up!

Link to the old one for any new joiners:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4877066-its-day-1-anyone-else?page=40

I have gone quiet again. Plodding along with my own crappy version of moderating which seems to be 3 or 4 dry days a week and then a lot of bingeing. Struggling to work my way through CPTSD, having some up days and down days, I'm trying my best and that is really all I can do.

I'm finding it hard to be motivated too @MamaGhina
In a way, I am doing a lot of the right things. Some days I do a meditation and my heart is really in it. But some days I do it and it's just a box-ticking job so I don't lose my streak. I think a lot of it is about making small changes (Atomic Habits). So you could say: I am going to spend 5 minutes clearing this drawer out/I am going to go for a 5 minute walk and it inevitably brings bigger and better change? That book is on my TBR book pile. All I seem to do at the moment is read self-help books!

How's everyone doing? Here's to a good weekend to you all.

Hi @Steppered Glad you checked in. I did some work on CPTSD a few years ago and found Richard Grannon to be a really useful free source of information, mainly on YouTube. He’s got a really great way of explaining things (and not bad to look at either!).

CPTSD has too many consonants…it always makes my Countdown brain kick in and I see the word CONSTIPATED in my stupid imagination!

Hello all, just checking in. I’ve been sober since last Saturday or Sunday, but it feels like ages. I’m still a bit unwell and now need to drag my sorry arse out on the road for work tomorrow.

I really took it easy this week, which is one of the main perks of being self employed. I removed my self from all duties to other people and only committed to walking the dog. I watched all three seasons of Loudermilk (Netflix), which is a comedy about a grumpy, rude guy in recovery who runs a recovery group. Would thoroughly recommend.

It’s been relentlessly rainy here down south and I can only hope that once Spring Springs, the extra water will mean a stunning display of Spring beauty. I’m already getting excited about visiting my favourite bluebell wood in the South Downs. I drove up to Butser Hill today (near Petersfield), and managed to catch the only hour of sunshine. It was blowing a hooley, but was worth it for the 360 degree views over to the Isle of Wight, and the West to Winchester. There’s nothing in my life that grounds me better than being outdoors - even when it’s rotten. If it’s dry first thing tomorrow then I’ll try and do the same thing before heading out on the road for work.

Wishing you all restful weekends

I drank in the pub Wednesday night. I’m drinking again tonight. I’m in this weird place of denial I think. The sort of space you get yourself into when you convince yourself everything is grand.
”I got up for work” therefore I didn’t drink too much.
”My house is tidy” therefore my life is organised.
”I get my kids to school on time” therefore I’m functioning.

You know the drill. Sigh.

@Steppered when you say bingeing, how much are we talking? In the main part I’ve managed to limit myself to one bottle of wine fairly successfully. With me it’s the frequency I’m struggling with. If the opportunity is there, I find it very hard to say no. My ideal would be to drink one bottle once a week. However I find it really hard to “just” drink Friday or Saturday. Plus if I get invited out, I drink them too. And that’s the reason why I joined this thread. I was drinking more nights than I had dry.

@Pinotgrigioblues I also made it out for some fresh air today. Because I cycle to work, I go out in all elements but today I managed to get an hour to walk in the dry by myself. It was bliss and I did 7km, so a fast pace. I felt a bit dizzy when I stopped 😆

Anyone else wondering how our old friends are doing? I don’t want to tag them, there’s absolutely no pressure to post. I just think I post a lot when I’m doing well because it helps me gather my thoughts and I post when I’m not doing well because I’m the OP and I feel I owe it to those lurking to be here and to be honest. I would really love to hear from some of the guys from the start. I think about them a lot.

Maybe when we get closer to 1000 on this thread I’ll tag everyone to keep the thread alive for a third round 🌷

Morning all. I’m just checking in for accountability. I didn’t make it out for that morning walk. The rain is too bad and the dog would have refused. She’s a Cypriot street dog rescue so won’t tolerate cold wet paws (unless there’s a cat to chase!).

I’m working at two separate functions today; a bottomless brunch in Swindon and then a ticketed Hotel do in Oxford. It’ll be full-on day with hardly any time in between to even think. This is when I’m at my happiest…when spinning plates and problem solving. It’s when I stop that I struggle - that’s mostly where alcohol becomes a problem for me. My problem drinking is almost always when I’m alone at home. I’ve managed almost a week sober this time and it’s very interesting to observe how I occupy my time without feeling drunk or hungover; I’m always operating in either mode. My OH says I’m generally more present when we chat over the phone and he can really tell the difference. I’ve been feeling pretty lousy for a couple of weeks with some sort of bug and weird nerve pain in various parts of my body (not to mention the lump in my boob - appointment already booked to see the GP). I’m wondering if my alcohol misuse has been obscuring these issues for a while - after all, alcohol is a major nerve depressant.

Honestly, I could stay here in bed with the dog snoozing on my feet forever, but I’d better get up and face the music (literally)!

Have lovely weekends one and all 😊

Hello everyone.

Thank you @MamaGhina for assiduously keeping the thread going.

Every small step must be applauded and slips, well slips happen.

I haven't had a drink for about 10 days. Have lost count but in former times, I'd have drunk this week. Work has been relentless and work is my usual trigger!

Off to work in about an hour in fact!

I didn’t drink for 15 days and then had one large glass of red last night. I am going to have a drink tonight and then want to not have any for a week. My problem was wanting a drink each day and it being my go to for stress etc.

Morning all. I really must venture out today and get some exercise, I felt great after that power walk yesterday.

This morning I was looking through the list of things I wanted to do in Feb and I hardly cleared a thing. I feel like I’m just surviving at the moment and I know everyone says it’s gets better but that feels like a long way off. When?! When you’re too old and tired to take advantage of it 🤣 and when will this bloody rain stop?

Morning all. I’m checking back in after quite a while. Thanks to @MamaGhina for keeping the thread going. I get so much from reading everyone’s posts and hearing about the different struggles and successes.

I did a 36 day stretch of staying dry in Jan having set myself a 100 day goal. I broke the streak when out with friends and was so cross with myself that I drank at home the next day. And then I was immediately back to drinking a bottle most evenings during Feb. And feeling pathetically unable to make the change needed. So I would tell myself on the train home from work that I wouldn’t go into M&S at the station to buy wine but seemed unable to just walk past.

But having had the dry streak (and another 39 day one last October), it is just so obvious how much worse I function when I drink. I am tired, stressed and anxious most of the time - whether because I am hungover, cross with myself, sleep-disturbed or because I am thinking of the next drink.

So I am back. Im now on day 4 of not drinking and determined to do better this time. I think I have to give up totally for good but I need to get my head in the right place. So for now the target is dry March and then hopefully I’ll keep going.

Hi all,

Just catching up...

So I managed 62 dry days. January and February and the first 2 days of March. Today I just felt shit. Like someone said up thread I wanted to do better but I couldn't be arsed. Felt shit. Drunk wine. That's it really. Still pleased with my streak but like @MamaGhina the goal is 100 days af and gutted I didn't do it. Not sure what tomorrow will bring at this point

Welcome all newbies, this is a supportive place.
@smegley how are you? Sounded like you were making good progress.

Just to add as I see it's been mentioned. I also have a diagnosis of ADHD and it's only the last few years I've realised the full extent this has played with my alcohol issues. Currently unmedicated due to missing appointments and non-compliance with meds and monitoring etc. am waiting to be re-referred but it's a long wait.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Remember celebrate the wins!

Edited to add, or was it @Limeandsoda2023 who was trying for the 100 day streak?! I'm not good at remembering and reading as am on my phone, sorry!

Hi @Limeandsoda2023 and @PleaseBePacific nice to hear from you both. Well done on the 62 days @PleaseBePacific that’s an amazing achievement.

I feel like I’ve managed to turn the weekend around. Did a couple of exercise classes and my house is fairly tidy. I’m still vaping rather than smoking and that feels like progress. My focus for this week is to get some of those jobs on my Feb ‘to do’ list done… Wish me luck!

Hi @PleaseBePacific nice to meet you. Love that username! I got diagnosed ADHD about 5 years ago but am only just starting to realise how that might relate to my drinking. I’m medicated, but there’s a meds shortage right now so I’ve been up and down with it for a few months. Did you find the meds helped when you were on them? I hear people in the ADHD world referring to related drinking as alcohol misuse, and that really strikes a chord.

I’m really struggling tonight with a messy PMT head. I usually get like this the week before my period, but somehow always get caught up with the madness in my head. I drank almost a whole bottle of wine last night, post-work. Like the last few times I’ve done this, I really didn’t enjoy it. No doubt it has affected my mood, but at least I’m sober tonight.

I’m most likely in peri menopause, and my symptoms have worsened dramatically over the last year. I don’t think my level of drinking was helping make this any better. Why is it that this happens every month, but I always buy in to whatever crazy shit is going around my head?!

Also, during the past year I have lost a 15 year friendship, and although the blame isn’t entirely on my side of the street I have been drinking to numb out my feelings over this. I’m really sad, angry and frustrated about it tonight.

This past month is the least alcohol I’ve drunk in the last six years. I’m proud to be taking baby steps, but I’ve been quite private about it with my close friends and family, so I can’t exactly boast about it except on here. I really want to have nailed this, so the next time someone asks me “how’s it going…with the drinking?” I can honestly say that things are good. Luckily my OH knows, and is hugely supportive of my efforts to remain sober.

I’ve eaten a healthy dinner, gulped 2 x 0% Peroni beers and taken my CBD oil like a good girl. The dog and I are tucked up in bed, and in a moment I’ll find a relaxing podcast to try and switch my mind off. If I’m well enough tomorrow then I’m going to try and get to the gym to work out all this negative energy.

This too shall pass, eh? I bloody hope so! Night all xxx

Morning everyone. I hope you are all doing well.

Today is the day...

ANOTHER DAY one! Have a great day. Will check in tonight and catch up with the thread. x

@Thepeppapigfanclub great to hear from you and so good to see you. Hope things are alright your end.

@Pinotgrigioblues hah, CPTSD has made me emotionally constipated for years so that's quite apt!! I will check out Richard Grannon, thanks. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

@MamaGhina my binge is normally 1/1.5 bottles of wine. Sounds like we are both feeling a bit stuck and overwhelmed. It's hard isn't it. I don't know how I got the kids to school earlier, I just wanted to stay in bed with the covers over my head. Glad your weekend picked up.

Well done @SpringNotSprung , @Chunkymonkey123 , @Limeandsoda2023 , @PleaseBePacific on your alcohol breaks. Such good going and I think this is all part of the process sometimes, taking a break, then relapsing, it can lead to sobriety in the future. I tried to do 100 days last year and got to day 37. Not getting anywhere near that now but am quite bogged down with cptsd. Removing alcohol would probably help but I just don't feel ready right now.

Have a good week everyone.

If it helps anyone, I started on this thread at the end of the summer and I have hit SIX MONTHS SOBER TODAY!

sorry for the brag but don’t want to brag about it in real life.

I will write more later if I can as I need to walk the dog and get back to work. But good to see some originals coming back and glad people are still posting and sharing.

Congratulations @BoilingHotand50something ! That is definitely worth bragging about and is honestly an inspiration. I don't know you at all other than via the thread but I feel if you can do it then so can I!

Well done again. I am now musing about how good I might feel after 6 months sober...

@BoilingHotand50something Well done, that is an amazing achievement, definitely worth bragging about!!

@Steppered I think you are right and relapsing is part of the process. I was suffering this morning following the worst night with racing heart and nightmares. Definitely made me less inclined to drink again right now. I cannot believe I used to feel like that every morning at one point, and felt worse as I only drunk one bottle yesterday.

@MamaGhina keep going with the vaping, it's got to be better than smoking. This is really stupid but I've never been a proper smoker as I hate the taste, however about 4 years ago I started vaping and now an addicted to that too. I know how bloody ridiculous that sounds but I actually think it's helps me cut down on my alcohol as it's like my naughty treat now. I know it's just another crutch but...😞

@Pinotgrigioblues I did find the medication helped and would like to at least discuss trying again with the doctor, if I ever get to see anyone that is. I have some sort of cardiac issue now (another reason for quitting the booze) so not sure they will let me anyway. I'm mid 40s and also peri I think so you have my sympathy there too. It's really crap and being premenstrual is one of my main danger zones for drinking as I feel so wretched. It's good way of looking at it that the last month is the best in years in terms of alcohol consumption, definitely a win there!

Hope everyone else is doing ok 🙂

I cannot believe I used to feel like that every morning at one point
@PleaseBePacific I hear you. I’ve managed to make more sensible choices when I do drink. Always stop at a bottle and I’m going for the lower alcohol bottles, whereas before I’d scan them all to get the ones that were 14%. My hangovers are better without the smoking too. Whilst I’m not a big fan of vaping, the skin on my face feels so different since I stopped smoking cigarettes.

@Thepeppapigfanclub welcome back old friend. It’s good to see you. Once you’ve caught up you’ll see we are all still plodding along in different places.

@BoilingHotand50something six months is fantastic, you totally deserve to boast! Honestly, congratulations.

@Steppered sometimes I think I’m a bit of a machine. Getting up, kids ready, off to work, making dinner, tidying up. Sometimes I’m worried I’ll just drop dead one day 😬 It’s probably because I don’t want time to dwell. As much as I moan about the noise in my house, time to think would probably not do me any favours at all.

@Pinotgrigioblues I hope you’ve had a better day today 💐

Funny thing was, I had a blood test at 43 because I thought I was peri. It came back negative and I then didn't have a period for 100 days! It was all done and dusted by the time I was 49. I started HRT at about 46/7 and it dealt with the symptoms within 48 hours! Aeons ago now. If only I were young enough to be pre-menopausal.

It's strange how whilst avoiding the nasty things, men still get in on the act by giving their name to them. MENstruation, MENopause. Once it's done, it's nice to be without the hassle and I never had anything debilitating.

Hope everyone has a good Tuesday.

Ahh well done @BoilingHotand50something that is incredible and you truly deserve to feel proud of yourself. It's inspirational!

This isn't always a thread filled with success stories - a lot of us are trapped in the same vicious cycle of trying and then slipping up and either exiting the thread or 'fessing up again. It is really nice to see the people that CAN get off the booze train because it gives hope to us all.

@Pinotgrigioblues so funny you mentioned Richard Grannon because I'm listening to a series of podcasts at the moment and the next one I put on, he was a guest speaker! What a coincidence.

@PleaseBePacific yes - feeling like that every morning. And you just get used to it and think that is how to feel and that is what sleep is like. Then you see the other side of the coin and realise how wrong you are!

@MamaGhina yeah I feel like a machine too. Trying to find the joy, somewhere, and the dumb thing is I have a great life, I should be loving it, but my own brain is holding me back.

Just in case anyone else on this thread has experienced CPTSD, I really recommend Pete Walker's book. I started it last night and what he said about "emotional flashbacks" was - for me - so powerful and rang so true. Last week I also looked into - why it is that I can't seem to control my thoughts and I hark back to the past, instead of choosing to feel happy and live in the moment! They have done brain scans on people with trauma experiences; there is excessive activity in the amygdala, reduced activity in the hippocampus and medial prefrontal cortex. This means we can struggle with articulating emotions and thoughts; and can manifest in avoidant behaviours (alcohol, drugs etc), irritability, emotional numbness. I'm not sure how useful this is to anyone else on the thread but if it helps one person one day then that's good. Please note I have zero qualifications here, just a keen reader.

@Steppered I’ve been listening to Pete Walker this week too…I spend a lot of time alone so usually have podcasts or audiobooks on (mostly self-help).

That’s funny about Richard Grannon! A friend of mine worked with him on something and recommended him to me. I was going through a bad stage in my relationship, and the discovery of CPTSD made everything fall in to place. I also discovered the uncomfortable fact that I can be prone to narcissism, victim mentality and self pity. I gave myself the right ick, but it was an important part of my recovery (which is still ongoing!)