Is it wrong that I feel like I just want to walk away rather than help?

[Rainbowbrite82]

I'm realising DH has a drinking problem.

I'm not a drinker at all - maybe a glass of wine every few months. But he's the sort of person who will never turn down a drink. Over the past few months, I've noticed that a bottle of wine doesn't last very long in the fridge and have thought that he's drinking a little too much.

The biggest thing though is that I walked past his garden office just after lunch one day and he clearly didn't hear me and I saw him quickly try to hide a glass of beer under the desk. I confronted him about it and he said it was just because it was a Friday and he just wanted a beer to wind down but because I'm almost teetotal, he feels guilty even drinking one beer in front of him, as though he's being judged.

This obviously rang alarm bells with me and over the next few days, I just felt really suspicious and started looking round the house for hidden booze - I don't know what made me think to do that, I just did. I didn't find anything but I told him how I was feeling and that I felt he was drinking too much and might be verging on having a problem. He apologised and said to prove to me he doesn't have a problem, he'd give up for a month. And he did - during that time he bought lots of alternative drinks, like alcohol free beer and spirits.

But the month ended and the past few weeks I've seen bottles/cans in the recycling bin that I don't recall seeing him drink or in the fridge/wine rack. So he's clearly drinking in secret. The other night, I found a bottle of whisky stashed in a cupboard. I got up in the night to see if it was still there and i found it hidden somewhere else half empty. Two nights later, it's gone - it's not in the recycling bin but there was a different bottle of wine in there that I've not seen before.

The other thing to mention is that his mum was alcoholic when he was younger. Does it run in families? To her credit, she has been sober for 15 years, turned her life around and now counsels others with alcohol problems. Talking to her is not an option, though- he simply would not want to do that.

As my title suggests though, my immediate instinct is that I do not want to deal with this. I just want to walk away. I'm furious that he's been so deceitful and secretive. I feel like i can't trust him. I need to confront him and I feel like I just want to say "get help or we're over". But I also feel I owe it to our children to make sure he's ok and deals with it. Am I just an awful person for feeling like that? How did others here with alcoholic partners feel when they realised - did you want to help them?

No you're not an awful person. Its not your addiction. If he choses to address it and you're willing to support him that's fine. You're also entitled to walk away - its not what you signed up for. Even in recovery alcoholics have challenges so it can still taint things and again, its not what you signed up for.

From what you're saying its the deceit too and you may always have that in the back of your mind during good and not so good times.

Best of luck with whatever you decide...

Thank you. Yes, it’s the deceit - just makes me so angry. I’m not perfect but I’ve never lied to him about anything.

It also makes me question if he did actually stop drinking when he said he’d give up that month? Was he drinking non-alcoholic drinks in front of me then secretly drinking booze? Could someone who was truly alcoholic actually give up for a month? And are there different degrees of alcoholism?

sorry, so many questions.

I think my biggest fear is walking away, then him spiralling into deeper alcohol issues/depression - I’d feel responsible for the effect that would have on our children.

I think you owe him the opportunity to change. But just one.

you don’t need to tell him all you know (keep that reserved so you can keep an eye on him!) but day you don’t believe him and give him the opportunity to change. If he refuses it leave/ask him to leave. If he says he will he needs to do it properly and transparently. Allowing you to go to the GP with him, atTend AA meetings. Whilst you carry on your observations to see if he’s really telling the truth. Check the boot of his car, including under where the spare wheel is etc. is he drink driving your children to places?

So do you think it’s fair to say to him get help but if you don’t, I’ll leave?
I do worry though that I’m always going to feel like I can’t trust him now.

I did worry about whether he’s drink driving but I don’t think he is as I think the majority of the drinking happens late at night when I go to bed.

The thing is, he has to want to stop drinking FOR HIMSELF, not for any other reason or any other person. If he stops drinking because you threaten to leave, he's not stopping for himself, he's stopping because of you, and chances are he'll 'backslide' once he feels things are on an even keel or a the first 'crisis' in his life.

It's 'fair' to say "Your drinking is out of control, you need to get help" and to provide him with resources, such as AA or treatment facilities. But he'll need to make those calls himself. If he doesn't get the help he needs it would then be 'fair' to say "I can no longer live with your drinking so I am leaving" and then leave.

Remember:
You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

'My' alcoholic was my brother ('in recovery' 8 years now) and I had to literally cut him completely out of my life before he decided, on his own, to get sober. I had made up my mind that I could no longer allow myself to be 'destroyed' and my family upended because of his drinking. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'm very blessed that things turned out the way they did, but I was absolutely ready to never have him back in my life.

May I suggest you contact your local chapter of Al-Anon? It's specifically for the families/loved ones of alcoholics. Their experiences and knowledge will be invaluable to you as you navigate the decisions you'll need to make.

I wish you strength and peace in this difficult journey.

Google adult children of alcoholics to see what will happen to your children if you stay.

I don't think he did a month sober at all op.

Hi @AcrossthePond55 I’m so sorry you went through that with your brother. That sounds dreadful.

Thank you - it’s helpful to hear that, that I can’t control or cure it.

I feel like I’m in a slightly weird situation because from what I read on here, most people living with an alcoholic say that it affects their moods or makes them aggressive/angry/grumpy etc - I don’t see it affecting his behaviour really, i just know he’s drinking too much and in secret. He never appears “drunk” unless he’s been out with friends for a drink and so could be reasonably expected to be so, like most other people when they go out to the pub socialising. He can be snappy sometimes but he’s always been like that.

@SquishyGloopyBum I’ll do that now…

@SquishyGloopyBum what specifically did you want me to find on Google?

re his mum - I think he finds it hard that everyone is always praising how well his mum has done to recover and turn her life around when it was really hard for him as a kid. He’s got a good relationship with her now but he can’t forget.

There are sites which set out what children of alcoholics become. It's depressing reading.

My dad is an alcoholic and my mum didn't leave. It's affected me and my siblings all our lives. I've been left traumatised.

It really is a family disease.

Your H is in deep denial.

If he won't change, you should leave for your children. It only ever gets worse.

oh @SquishyGloopyBum I’m so sorry. Can I ask why your mum didn’t leave (if you know)?

In a way alcoholism does run in families. If you grow up living with an alcoholic then you’re much more likely to become an alcoholic.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Even if he did want help all you could do it encourage him to seek appropriate help from AA or an addiction counsellor.

I gave up. As pp posted, it’s worth talking to him rather than just seeming to walk away, but the reality is they won’t stop until they’re ready and honestly, it doesn’t sound like he even realises he has a problem.
When I met my H, he was sober. He’d had health problems and chose to stop drinking. He started drinking again but his tolerance was low and he’d have a couple then stop. It increased gradually over time. His Mum and Step Dad are alcoholics and I think his concept of ‘alcoholic’ is very skewed. I never really got through to him about it. He’d stop for a while (I do genuinely think he wasn’t drinking then). Things would be better. But he always started again. It got worse in lockdown, he was WFH, so although he had work the next day he wasn’t driving so it escalated in frequency and volume. He could never just have a couple. When he went back to the office I was worried about him driving the next morning.
it wasn’t the only reason we split, his behaviour towards me got worse over time, he got nasty. He started getting so drunk he didn’t make it to the toilet 🤢 I just couldn’t take it any more. Like you say, it’s the deceit that comes with it.
I’m with someone new now (got divorced) and he will have 2 and stop. I’ve never seen him have more than 4 drinks. It still find it quite amazing! But it’s a nice feeling.
You don’t have to do anything rash but it’s worth looking into your options if you were on your own. Entitled to.com can be helpful.

She stayed for us children. Didn't want to have a broken family. But it was far more broken with her staying put.

Honestly, I have a poor relationship with her now. She should have left for us. But she didn't. My dad had an illness. She didn't though.

Thank you all. And I’m so sorry to those that have been through it with family members. @SquishyGloopyBum especially.

I just find it crazy that after going through it with his mum, he would also go the same way and potentially put his kids through the same thing. It’s not that simple though is it?

Its weird. There have been many times over the years, long before I was concerned about his drinking when I’ve felt suspicious about him and I didn’t know what I was feeling suspicious about. I am not the paranoid/jealous/controlling/whatever type at all - I’m very laid back and trusting - but I found myself going down his pockets a few times. I honestly couldn’t tell you what I was looking for. But obviously something instinctive was kicking in. I just can’t help thinking now - what else might he have lied about?

Definitely trust your instincts.

Alcoholics are very manipulative sadly. It's all part of the disease.

@SquishyGloopyBum 😔

My brother was never vicious or nasty. When with us he was a sort of 'sloppy' drunk who occasionally made what he thought were 'funny' remarks but which could be hurtful or embarrassing. But when he was on his own he drank himself into oblivion resulting in falls needing hospital care, being taken advantage of by unscrupulous people and unfortunately, driving. It's only through a merciful God that he never crashed into anyone or killed himself. It also resulted in late night drunken sobbing phone calls about being alone, wanting to stop drinking, and wanting me to come over to 'baby sit' him, which unfortunately I got into a habit of doing. These were the things that made me say NO MORE.

I really think that Al-Anon could help you a lot. Listening to other people's experiences and having them listen to you IRL can help you put your experiences into their proper place and arrive at the right decisions for you.

I dealt with it for 8 years and then just couldn't do it anymore and I gave up , especially as his drinking got worse during lockdown and he never admitted to having a problem. I just got so tired of it all, counting the beers he had drunk, wondering if he was going to have a night off of drinking or not, checking what time he had started drinking at etc. It was exhausting and then I just realized I didn't want to live that way anymore.
I almost feel like I wasted 8 years of my life with the emotional burden of it and the constant monitoring of it. I remember feeling envious of my friend's partners who didn't need to drink like that.
All I can say is it is progressive and usually doesn't get any better unless they go sober.

You wouldn’t be wrong at all to walk away. There’s nothing you can do.

that said I drank secretly a lot of the time so much so that after I quit my husband was shocked when I finally opened up to him how bad I got. And then he started opening up to me about what he’d noticed but was in denial. I am glad he didn’t leave but then I have changed and now 2 years sober. But while I was thinking about my family I mainly did it for me. People can only stop for themselves and if they want it badly enough.

this is your life not his and the drinker is responsible for themselves. Leave if you feel it would be the best thing for you. You can’t fix him

@TooOldForThisNonsense thank you - I appreciate you sharing your story from the viewpoint of the person who was drinking. What was the catalyst for you quitting/getting help?

I've tried for a year with my H and I have nothing left to give. I wanted to help at first but I don't care anymore. They will only change if they want to. Depends if your husband really wants to.

There was no one big thing. It was lots of small things and the realisation that it was only going to escalate and heap shame on me and my family

I confronted him. In the moment, I totally forgot the advice from the pp who said to hold back telling him everything I know - so I said I’d found the hidden bottles, empty bottles in the recycling, etc

He didn’t get angry or anything but his response was to dispute how much I said I thought he was drinking in a day - I had to tell him that the quantity isn’t the issue, it’s the drinking in secret that’s the problem.

He said he feels very down a lot of the time and feels this is his only “out.” He struggles with his family and doesn’t have very happy memories of his childhood (no abuse or anything like that - his parents were/are just a bit weird - he doesn’t feel they were great parents). He’s not great at organising to see friends and I think he feels a bit isolated. I feel bad for him that he feels like that but I said the only good reason for drinking alcohol is that you like the taste - if he is using it to try to take away the way he feels or manage his emotions in any way, that is a problem.

I’m not sure how much I got through to him. But I did tell him that I’d had a strange suspicious feeling towards him for a long time and knowing that he’s lied to me had made me really angry. I said he needs to speak to someone and suggested starting with a GP.

I said I think he needs to realise that he has to give up alcohol completely. He doesn’t seem to agree with this and questioned how he’s supposed to socialise with people if he doesn’t drink because “That’s what men do - we go out for a few beers.” I found that a bit pathetic but to be honest, the majority of people I know probably view booze as an integral part of their social lives in a similar way.

And I also said I didn’t believe he’d given up for the month - he swore blind that he had. And he reminded me that during that month he lost weight (he did and lots of people commented on it) so I think he might actually be taking the truth about that.

I’m going to give him a few days then get on his case about making an appointment but as I said to him, I’m not sorting any of this out for him, he needs to take the action himself.

@Rainbowbrite82 If his first reaction to you confronting him is denial about how much he is drinking, than that tells you everything you need to know about where he is on his journey. Not ready to accept there's a problem. It doesn't sound like he wants to change.

If I could give myself one piece of advice when I realised my H was an alcoholic, it's that it would give him one chance to sort his shit out and that's it. If he isn't ready to change now, then he won't be for a long time, or ever.