Is it wrong that I feel like I just want to walk away rather than help?

[Rainbowbrite82]

I'm realising DH has a drinking problem.

I'm not a drinker at all - maybe a glass of wine every few months. But he's the sort of person who will never turn down a drink. Over the past few months, I've noticed that a bottle of wine doesn't last very long in the fridge and have thought that he's drinking a little too much.

The biggest thing though is that I walked past his garden office just after lunch one day and he clearly didn't hear me and I saw him quickly try to hide a glass of beer under the desk. I confronted him about it and he said it was just because it was a Friday and he just wanted a beer to wind down but because I'm almost teetotal, he feels guilty even drinking one beer in front of him, as though he's being judged.

This obviously rang alarm bells with me and over the next few days, I just felt really suspicious and started looking round the house for hidden booze - I don't know what made me think to do that, I just did. I didn't find anything but I told him how I was feeling and that I felt he was drinking too much and might be verging on having a problem. He apologised and said to prove to me he doesn't have a problem, he'd give up for a month. And he did - during that time he bought lots of alternative drinks, like alcohol free beer and spirits.

But the month ended and the past few weeks I've seen bottles/cans in the recycling bin that I don't recall seeing him drink or in the fridge/wine rack. So he's clearly drinking in secret. The other night, I found a bottle of whisky stashed in a cupboard. I got up in the night to see if it was still there and i found it hidden somewhere else half empty. Two nights later, it's gone - it's not in the recycling bin but there was a different bottle of wine in there that I've not seen before.

The other thing to mention is that his mum was alcoholic when he was younger. Does it run in families? To her credit, she has been sober for 15 years, turned her life around and now counsels others with alcohol problems. Talking to her is not an option, though- he simply would not want to do that.

As my title suggests though, my immediate instinct is that I do not want to deal with this. I just want to walk away. I'm furious that he's been so deceitful and secretive. I feel like i can't trust him. I need to confront him and I feel like I just want to say "get help or we're over". But I also feel I owe it to our children to make sure he's ok and deals with it. Am I just an awful person for feeling like that? How did others here with alcoholic partners feel when they realised - did you want to help them?

Are you on his case about everything single drink though? Is that why he is drinking in secret. It’s not clear from your first post how much he is actually drinking…a bottle of wine doesn’t last very long…well how long?

What I’m saying is…is he actually drinking significantly too much or is he a secret drinker because he knows you disapprove?

@Pinkmacroon wow, it does sound like our DH’s are very similar. Please feel free to DM me. x

@BananaSpanner the first time I posted was because of the time I walked past him at his desk during the day and saw him quickly try to hide a glass of booze. Before that point, I’d never said anything to him about him drinking too much - I had thought he probably drank more than was healthy but I certainly never nagged him about it or anything like that.

Then, like I said, I started noticing bottles in the recycling bin that I hadn’t seen him drink. Then the whisky hidden in the cupboard that then ended up in the recycling bin 2 days later along with a wine bottle - so he’d drunk that in just 2 days.

I can’t help but feel that you think it’s my fault - that I must be having a go at him every time he drinks and that’s why he’s hiding it from me??

@Pinkmacroon my DH doesn’t drink every day either. He got wasted the other night but I don’t think he’s had any alcohol in the few days since then. Which confuses me. Can you be an alcoholic if you don’t drink every day?

I think I’d want to know how much he was actually drinking first. 60 units a week would be a problem, but 14 is within government guidelines. Is he drinking in secret because he enjoys a glass of beer on a Friday after work but knows you disapprove, or is he drinking heavily and hiding the evidence from you? Of course, the lying is an issue, as are the ‘reasons’ he gives for drinking, and you’d be within your rights to leave someone you don’t trust, but this is quite a complex situation. If he is drinking heavily then you cannot control it - only he can.

That said, a bottle of whiskey in two days is pretty hardcore.

I think he’s hiding it because he knows I’ll disapprove of the amount rather than simply the fact he’s drinking. He’ll have wine when we have family over for dinner, or a beer of an evening and I’ve never had a problem with that. I think he knows the amount he’s having is excessive and that’s what he’s hiding. Plus the frequency of the drinking. And the time of day sometimes - when I caught him drinking at his desk, it was late morning/early lunchtime.

I think you need to tell him that you found his hidden wine and that that is the last straw. He goes to his gp, is honest about his alcohol intake and does something to improve the situation. Or you can't continue like this. It doesn't sound like you're coping OP, it's on your mind alot, like you're waiting for the next thing you find or the next lie and lying to your wife is really not acceptable.

I’d say my XH was an alcoholic even though he didn’t drink every day. Binge drinking to excess on the days he did drink, drinking 30+ units a weekend. He used to have a ‘only drink on weekend’ rule but that included Sundays and then it later included weekday evenings if there was football on…I’d say if he’s secretive about his drinking, he’s drinking at his desk (while he’s working?), stepping away from the notion of ‘alcoholic’, is he drinking a problem? It certainly sounds like it.
One of the loveliest things the solicitor at my initial appointment said was that I’d done nothing wrong and I hadn’t ‘failed’ just because my marriage broke down. I felt very empowered by my lovely solicitor and team. I was so grateful I gave cards and gifts when it was all over.

@Saymyname28 you’re right, it does play on my mind. But when a few days have passed where he hasn’t had a drink, I feel like life is mostly normal…although I do still get the suspicious feelings and snoop around just to check.

Yes @ThisWormHasTurned I feel like the secrecy is the biggest issue. So lovely to hear things turned out well for you.

@Pinkmacroon sometimes other people can "help" alcoholics by removing all their excuses (it's not that bad; my wife's still here) and actually forcing them to hit their rock bottom can be the start or recovery.

@Rainbowbrite82 I always had a "stunt" bottle in the fridge to cover the smell but drank significantly earlier and significantly more than the display bottle. I also used the "I'm only hiding it because he hardly drinks at all so he won't see it properly" excuse in my head.

Even if he's not drinking every day now, the gaps between drinks will get shorter. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. No one wakes up and decides to start pouring special brew on their cornflakes - it's a gradual decline.

Are you in touch with Al Anon?

My husband drinks too much. Can after can 4 nights a week. I have mentioned it to him. He doesn't get drunk. He has teetotal nights the rest of the time...

...except I found a nearly empty bottle of vodka hidden in the cleaning product cupboard in the kitchen. We never have vodka in the house. I have never seen him drink vodka ever. Confronted him. Turns out he has been pouring it into his squash on the teetotal nights.

I feel a mixture of sad, angry and tired. I suspect I haven't heard the half of it. He has been told to clean up his act. But I suspect he was just saying yes he would to shut me up. I have been snooping. But I am stopping.

Someone said they were tired of the emotional burden of it. I feel that already and it has only been a few days. My dad was an alcoholic, I don't want to live with a drunk again. Must admit I am getting the massive Ick.

I gave up drinking 10 weeks ago. I was drinking too much wine since lockdown. I had an health issue (not related to booze) and decided to stop drinking alcohol in case I was ill. My health scare proved not to be serious but as I didn't miss boozing I have stayed tee total. I have no desire to drink, and seeing that sad vodka bottle hidden behind the Cif Lemon has reinforced that.

I suspect this is the end of my marriage but we will see.

Suck a fucked up attitude to drink in this country. The abuse of alcohol is off the charts.

@AzureBlue99 sorry to hear you’re going through similar.

Totally agree re the ick - I hadn’t thought of that, but yes, it makes me feel that way too.

Also your point about the fucked up attitude to drink in this country - I couldn’t agree more. I know there are people reading this who will judge me as being holier than thou or whatever because I don’t drink that much but I find it amazing how some (not all people) of my generation just really can’t say no to booze whenever it’s offered.

For example, I know so many women who are really, REALLY strict about their nutrition and would rather eat their own arm than a piece of cake but think nothing of drinking a bottle of wine most evenings.

Or the people who when they’re driving, rather than just abstaining, have to drink as much as they think they can possibly get away with while remaining under the limit - 2 drinks, 1.5 drinks etc - why bother?? You can’t possibly know exactly how much will tip you over the limit - can they not just have a soft drink on that occasion?

By far the worst reactions I’ve had to not drinking has been when I’m pregnant. I know you can have a drink or 2 when you’re pregnant and have no problem with other women doing that if they wish - their bodies are none of my business. But I chose not to drink at all while pregnant and got such angry responses from other women. All I would have to do is say “no thank you” to an offer of a drink and I would be told I was being “ridiculous” “you’re too pregnant for it to affect the baby now” or generally just constantly being urged to “just have one”. I remember being close to my due date and at a party - a woman I didn’t know at all offered me a glass of wine and when I said no thanks, she said “for fuck’s sake, it wont kill you!”

What the hell is all that about?!!

Sorry, bit of a rant and not quite the point of the thread but I think this general attitude accounts for a lot of problem drinking.

I think sometimes people try to normalise their drinking as being totally okay. So if someone in their circle declines it is easier for them to say you are boring, lighten up. The reality is, alcohol makes you boring, that false bonhomie, the repeating, the sweaty faces.

I got increasingly uncomfortable with the amount I was drinking. I was trying to keep up with my OH. I never could, he drunk too much, but it was my way of normalising his drinking.

He hasn't openly drunk alcohol this weekend but I have zero trust that he hasn't had some. We were shopping and we split up to get separate things. He was walking past the beer and looking at it longingly. He has only given up to keep me quiet. He doesn't want to I don't think.

I resent deeply he has taken away my peace of mind. We had plans to move to a different part of the country. That isn't happening now. No way I am uprooting to live with zero support if my marriage is on the rocks. So thanks to him, we are going to stagnate. Ironically that is half the issue. We have stagnated and he is bored.

I know alcohol has its grip in many countries, But UK, Ireland and some of the Eastern European seem the worse effected but I obviously have not looked at stats.

In Rome last year at night, I was walking down a busy street full of international tourists. There was vomit on a corner. As I passed it a tourist looked at it, laughed and said, British. (Not at me, at the vomit.) That is our reputation. In a cosmopolitan city like Rome - vomit = British. Nice. We have lots to be proud of in this country (declining as I type!) but our drinking culture isn't one of them.

Hi, wandered over this corner of the Internet whilst sitting in my car after another drunken argument, well, one sided argument as I told him I'm not arguing.
Anyway, just curious, have you left? Have you seeked or found help? Has he stopped drinking?
I find myself 7 years in, 5 years have passed since I realised he's a alcoholic. I'm not very happy but I'm not very brave. Have always wondered if it's something I can just put up with but I am increasingly fed up with it. If he left one day without a word I'd feel relief.
Have you found the courage yet?

Hi @Noooice . Sorry, I feel like I’m letting the side down by not giving you an inspirational update but no, I’ve not left. Things have been fine since I last posted. I don’t think he’s been drinking - I’ve seen no evidence of it for a while. We’ve been getting on ok and I’ve felt relatively “content” day to day so I’m back in that “things aren’t bad, I can carry on for the kids” zone. I know a lot of you will be shouting at your screens.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Is your DH an obvious alcoholic or a bit more secretive, like mine?

I'm glad you're both in a good place. No one who knows what it's like will be shouting at their screens right now! We understand.
He isn't secretive as such, I've caught him out a few times and so it's more of a "ask and I'll tell" situation. He drinks and smokes weed everyday from 4pm. Casually in front of the children (in the garden), goes to our local everyday before he's smoked with fellow alcoholics. Often drives home. Carries on drinking here. The weed is a blessing as he calms down soon after he gets home.
The problem is he looks fine to everyone. He's got a very well paid job in a niche industry, looks smart, talks the talk, intelligent blah blah blah. But no one knows what it's like to live with him. We don't share any children so it's easier for me to walk away. He's in my house too.
On a good day I think it's fine, I can tolerate it. When it's bad I wouldn't care if I never laid eyes on him again. No alcoholics anonymous within a hours drive to me and he's refused help.
Just a bit shit really when they're like this isn't it x

It is shit. Is your DH abusive at all ? I hope not. What stops you from leaving - is it finances, etc?

Thing is with my DH, I’m feeling sort of ok at the moment as I think the drinking has subsided for now but then that makes me focus on the other things wrong in our relationship. As much as he’s a decent person in so many ways - supportive, good dad, takes care of us, doesn’t think household chores /cooking are my job at all (so many of my friends’ husbands think it’s still the 1950s in that respect) - there are issues with his moodiness. Examples:

• finds it very hard to be wrong
• disagreeable - it literally feels like he can’t agree with people about the most trivial things sometimes - like if it’s cold outside, he’d say it’s not, it’s hot, or if someone says to him he must be tired after working so late or something like that, no, he’s not tired, he’s fine. Or, I don’t know, “would you like a cheese sandwich - you love cheese, don’t you” his answer will be “I don’t mind it, it’s not my favourite.” That all sounds so trivial but it’s relentless and exhausting
• not affectionate - never hugs me and doesn’t really liked being hugged, laying together on the sofa etc
• cannot hide his bad mood from other people - there have been a number of occasions when my parents are at our house and they’ll ask me if there’s something bothering him as he’s being moody and I find myself making excuses for him - “he’s tired” or “no, he’s fine” etc. Or he’ll just sit in the corner on his phone while we chat and when I later point out that he was being anti-social, he’ll get humpy and say he was “just letting us chat”

This last one is the one that really gets me - if we’re with my family and he’s in a bad mood, he can’t hide it. You know how when you’re feeling a bit grumpy, you can be a bit snappy with your OH or even your kids but if you have visitors, you make an effort? No, He can’t - he will snap at my family members which REALLY angers me. Or even if he’s not a bad mood in particular, he will be really stand-offish - not make eye contact with them, mutter a barely audible ‘hi’ as they walk in the door. Disagree with everything they say.

Eg my parents are always doing us favours/trying to make our lives easier. We have some furniture we don’t want to get rid of but need to store somewhere. They kindly offered to store it in their house as they have room - he couldn’t say, “ That’s a great idea, thanks so much” - instead he just kind of sneered and said “No, there’s no need - we don’t need to store our stuff at other people’s houses”. WTF?? Er, we do, we have no fucking room and sorry, “other people”? They’re not randoms.

His mum drives me up the bloody wall sometimes but never, ever would I snap at her or be pretty much silent when in her company, I’m always super polite. It’s like he has no filter with my family.

Bloody hell, this is all such a rant - sorry.

Mine appears to have stopped. We went on holiday- he had no opportunity to get alcohol without me seeing. It has been about 5 weeks. He has lost 7 pounds. That beer piles on the weight. I have no expectations it will last. I hope it does. He volunteered that is mental health is better, making the link between alcohol and it making depression worse. I won't be making any major life plans for a long time.

@AzureBlue99 how are things?

DH is still secretly drinking. Well, some of it he drinks in front of me and then he’ll drink more in secret.

He was out all day the other day with friends and there were 4 transactions on our account at different pubs. He travelled home alone and I won’t say why as it’s outing but I’m pretty sure he bought more booze to drink on the way home. Then when he got home, I had to pop out and when I got back I realised the small amount of vodka we had left in the kitchen (about 4-5 shots) was gone and the bottle was in the recycling bin.

He has been drinking every day this week - mostly secretly.

He’s clearly done fuck-all to even attempt to cut down.

Almost a year on from my last comment on this post and I’m ashamed to say nothing has changed.

I thought for a while he’d stopped drinking. I hadn’t found any evidence for a long time and whenever we go out, he’s been drinking non-alcoholic beer and he’s lost weight.

But a few weeks ago, I found an empty bottle of gin in his bag the night before he was due to go into the office (he WFH 90% of the time) so he was clearly planning on binning it on the commute.
The other day I found an empty bottle of wine and gin hidden and today, I thought his eyes looked weird - small pupils - and found half a bottle of gin and a bottle of wine hidden.

I need to tell him I’ve had enough.

My dilemma is -we are due to go on holiday with family in a few weeks. Not been away for ages and the kids are so excited. Should I act like nothing is wrong until
then (I’ve got very good at doing that) and then confront him when we’re back and say I don’t believe he has any intention of stopping drinking and getting help and so I want to end things. Or do I tell him now - but tell him I’ll hold out till after the holiday and then I want us to sort out going out separate ways.

I want to minimise the upset for the kids. They will be devastated about this. I know some of you will say that kids pick up on things but I know the kids have absolutely no idea that anything is wrong between us. We never argue and anytime we’ve talked about this they’ve been in bed and there’s been no raised voices. They would have no idea about his drinking either - I can tell when he’s drunk when it’s not obvious to others. The only time they’ve seen him drunk is in socially acceptable situations when we’ve been out and some other people have been drunk too.

It sounds like he is a full blown alcoholic and doing everything he can to hide it. It doesn't get any better and even if it did, it's such an uphill battle to even get there and you always have the lingering fear hanging over you that they could start drinking again. It's an absolute curse that never fully goes away.
I lived like this for 8 years with my ex, it's no way to live, you don't deserve it and neither do your kids. I left mainly because I didn't want to live that way anymore.
I now have a partner who hardly drinks and when he does he only has one or two, wish I had met him years ago rather than put up with the emotional turmoil and anguish constantly monitoring my ex's drinking.

Im so sorry for you @Rainbowbrite82, I've been going through this for several years too. It all comes to a head when I find the hidden booze, he becomes remorseful and sorry and makes declarations about how much he loves me and our family and he won't mess up again. Then things settle down and he gets more comfortable and eventually the whole cycle starts again.

I think the whole 'is he an alcoholic if he can go without drinking' question is a bit of a red herring and one ive have struggled with too. Yes, he might not be physically addicted to daily drinking, but he's in a position where he's choosing to drink over his family and it's an issue. The problem with the term 'alchoholic' is that he can tell himself he isn't one and therefore he's ok. My DH has tried AA and therapy and they've just validated to him that he isn't an alchoholic because he doesnt need a drink every day.

I honestly thought I was going to have to leave him a few months ago, but he does seem to have engaged with the idea that he's got a serious problem and had given up drinking for good. He's told his friends and family and seems much happier about everything. But who knows if this is genuine change or if he's just at the peak of the cycle still? It's hard to rebuild trust which has been repeatedly shattered over years and years.

Have you told him you are thinking of leaving? Not to get a reaction, just to lay it on the table. I think that has been an important crunch point for my DH, although he still slipped back several times before committing to giving up altogether.

I dont have much useful to say but just wanted to send love and solidarity. It's bloody awful and you're stuck in a shitstorm you have no control over. I hope you can find a way forward whatever that looks like.

But is he hiding it because of your reaction.......perhaps you should take the pressure off him, explain that it is the lying about his drinking and hiding it that bothers you and you would prefer it if he drank openly.
I've seen plenty of alcoholics in my line of work and in family members and I can assure you there would not be half a bottle of wine left in the rucksack. Most are drinking bottles of spirits daily from the minute they are awake.

Wtf @Mossstitch of course he’s an alcoholic!

@Rainbowbrite82 I’m so sorry this is still going on. I’ve read all your posts and he doesn’t sound like a nice person at all, drink or no drink. If you genuinely feel you can get through the holiday and still go ahead with the break up afterwards, then do that for the kids. But if you know in your heart you will find an excuse when you get home then do it now.

Good luck