Is it wrong that I feel like I just want to walk away rather than help?

[Rainbowbrite82]

I'm realising DH has a drinking problem.

I'm not a drinker at all - maybe a glass of wine every few months. But he's the sort of person who will never turn down a drink. Over the past few months, I've noticed that a bottle of wine doesn't last very long in the fridge and have thought that he's drinking a little too much.

The biggest thing though is that I walked past his garden office just after lunch one day and he clearly didn't hear me and I saw him quickly try to hide a glass of beer under the desk. I confronted him about it and he said it was just because it was a Friday and he just wanted a beer to wind down but because I'm almost teetotal, he feels guilty even drinking one beer in front of him, as though he's being judged.

This obviously rang alarm bells with me and over the next few days, I just felt really suspicious and started looking round the house for hidden booze - I don't know what made me think to do that, I just did. I didn't find anything but I told him how I was feeling and that I felt he was drinking too much and might be verging on having a problem. He apologised and said to prove to me he doesn't have a problem, he'd give up for a month. And he did - during that time he bought lots of alternative drinks, like alcohol free beer and spirits.

But the month ended and the past few weeks I've seen bottles/cans in the recycling bin that I don't recall seeing him drink or in the fridge/wine rack. So he's clearly drinking in secret. The other night, I found a bottle of whisky stashed in a cupboard. I got up in the night to see if it was still there and i found it hidden somewhere else half empty. Two nights later, it's gone - it's not in the recycling bin but there was a different bottle of wine in there that I've not seen before.

The other thing to mention is that his mum was alcoholic when he was younger. Does it run in families? To her credit, she has been sober for 15 years, turned her life around and now counsels others with alcohol problems. Talking to her is not an option, though- he simply would not want to do that.

As my title suggests though, my immediate instinct is that I do not want to deal with this. I just want to walk away. I'm furious that he's been so deceitful and secretive. I feel like i can't trust him. I need to confront him and I feel like I just want to say "get help or we're over". But I also feel I owe it to our children to make sure he's ok and deals with it. Am I just an awful person for feeling like that? How did others here with alcoholic partners feel when they realised - did you want to help them?

This is a very difficult situation, alcohol is so freely available, socially acceptable and advertised widely as a relaxant and a social enabler. However as most others know who read this board it can be a slippery slope and it's hard to know when the degree of the slope is unreversable. We read lots of other people's experiences and then make decisions based on them. You and only you know your DH. Be honest with him and explain your fears and concerns, he may not want to open up or be honest right away but keep your communication honest and frank. I won't go into my personal story but as a family we are lucky to have come through this with lots of honesty and no blame.
It wasn't easy and there is no guarantee.

@Mossstitch the half bottle of gin I found earlier today is now empty. And I now can’t find the bottle of wine. So he’s had at least a bottle of gin within the space of a few hours and possibly a bottle of wine too. Are you really suggesting that I’m the problem?

@Namechange240 so sorry you’re going through this too. Do you have children? If I didn’t have my kids, I’d have left long ago. I know I questioned it before but I have no doubt he’s an alcoholic now.

Thanks @Hillsaremyhappyplace - I think the holiday is my excuse at the moment - but I don’t think I’ll have one after that…

Thanks @Icecreamhelps You’re so right about society’s attitude to drinking. We were out with friends last night and he was openly drinking as he obviously feels fine to do so in a social situation. I wasn’t drinking - I rarely do at all now, I think as a reaction to how much he drinks - but I still got the “oh go on, one won’t hurt you” type of comments from everyone there. Why does it bother other people so much if someone else doesn’t want a drink??

@Rainbowbrite82

Please, please contact your local chapter of Al-Anon. They're a group for family and friends of alcoholics. They're non-judgmental and supportive. They won't tell you what to do but will allow you to find your own way.

@Rainbowbrite82 I'm so sorry. I would not tell him now. You may not be able to hide how upset you are but honestly, I don't think he actually cares.

I would focus on getting your ducks in a row. Get together documents. Find a solicitor you like. Gather all financials. Go and see Al-anon for support. People there will have ideas that are specific to your situation.

There's a great thread on here about someone who planned her break up to the extent that she purchased all the winter clothes etc that the kids needed for the following year while she and her ex were still together.

Aim for a fast divorce - you are more likely to get a better settlement. That means preparation and a game plan.

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 I think I will do that.

@Rainbowqueeen i know you’re right but knowing I need to do that breaks my heart for my kids.

@Rainbowbrite82 I hope you and the family have a lovely holiday. Try alanon and make some way to be financially independent also. My dad drank quite heavily for years a bottle of whiskey a day. He had a high pressure job, my mother had bipolar and he was out of his depth. He's happily retired now and my mum's condition is managed well with medication. So he has a pint every now and then. He could have dealt with things better unfortunately they had to separate to help themselves.

Thanks @Icecreamhelps Did you know about all that when you were a child? Must’ve been very difficult. I’m glad to hear your parents are ok now.

I’m so sorry @Rainbowbrite82 he’s learnt to hide it better, not putting bottles in recycling and getting rid of the evidence when he leaves the house. He’s not going to get better and you need to put you and DC first, not have your lives dominated by addiction.

@Rainbowbrite82 in fairness my response was to your op of February 2024 (i hadnt noticed the date at that point) when you said you'd found half a bottle of wine and that there were days that he didn't drink at all. I hadn't read the newer posts. @BananaSpanner also had the same impression as me from your ops up to that point!

@Rainbowbrite82 I knew my mum wasn't well she had psychosis so that's something that you can't hide. My dad went to the pub as a coping mechanism. To be honest it's all I knew. It wasn't until she had an episode when I was older and my parents were divorced that I realised my dad drank to deal with stress. I thought he was weak and held it against him for years, he's sorted himself out eventually, and we are now quite close. If your DH drinking is causing you stress be completely honest about it, you can't make him stop he has to want to. But don't put your life on hold waiting. In essence nobody here can decide when it's time to say enough is enough, but have that completely honest conversation first.

You say if it wasn’t for your kids, you’d have left long ago.

But you need to leave for your kids. They will know. I think I said last year on this thread google ‘adult children of alcoholics’ to understand what staying will do to them.

My mum stayed ‘for the kids’ and I had an awful childhood with my alcoholic father. I resent her for that and we have a bad relationship now.

this thread was started in 2023. You are paralysed by this. He won’t change, only you can. Be brave.

That’s ok @Mossstitch - sorry, didn’t mean to bite your head off.

@SquishyGloopyBum yes, you did say that when you posted last year. And yes I know I need to leave for them. But I really don’t believe they know a thing (not that that makes it ok) - he’s not noticeably drunk. I can tell because I know his little giveaways but I honestly, honestly don’t think they know a thing.

And it means I don’t know what I’d say when I tell them we’re splitting up - I wouldn’t want them to know it’s because their dad is a drinker - I want to shield them from that for as long as I can. But we don’t argue, the atmosphere in the house is happy mainly because I just carry on like normal and put on a smiley/happy-go-lucky front- so they’re going to be completely blindsided and wonder why we’re splitting. It would almost be easier if they were hearing us having blazing rows all the time! So what do I say to them - we’ve grown apart??

I’ve just come across your thread and I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re in this crap situation.
I hate how common drinking excessively is in the UK. I feel hypocritical saying that, as I was a great binge drinker in my 20s!! But I feel there’s a time and a place in your life to do that and I’ve definitely grown out of it. My partner hasn’t and he’s 10 year older than me..

What I will say is, if he really wants to give up, he can. If he’s dipping in and out, that suggests he’s trying but struggling. My partner needed to have everything laid out on the table and be fully aware of what he was choosing and what he was going to loose if things continued. That helped, along with a GP appointment to make him realise that his drinking wasn’t normal.
I would also be interested to know if it is genetic? Partners Dad died in their 60s from liver cancer. Drank a lot, but always after 5pm (made it seem better in their eyes?!). Partners brother, full blown alcoholic, shakes until he has the first vodka of the day.
There will be so many in the same situation, it’s so hard. But the total is becoming far more common than it once was which will surely help some who struggle?

@Rainbowbrite82 speak to Al-anon They will tell you what to say.

@SquishyGloopyBum is right. You need to leave for your kids sake.

please speak to Al-anon , if you do nothing else. They know what you are going through. They know how hard this is for you.

Thanks @moanamovie I’m sorry you’re going through it too. How is your partner getting on?

Yes, that worries me, that it might be genetic. I’m horrified at the thought my kids could turn out like him.

Thanks @Rainbowqueeen I will speak to them, I do need advice.

I do feel for you OP but when I saw the date of your first post I honestly thought this was going to be an update a year or so on, free from this. Maybe take a look at some of the updates from people that did leave. I’ve never seen one where they have regretted the decision.

If your children honestly have no idea then I’m sure they will cope well. You can give them any reason you like. I’d be honest in an age appropriate way because these things often have a habit of coming out and they won’t thank you for lying, or worse they won’t believe you years down the line.

I wish you good luck and in answer to your original update, I would wait until after the holiday. No one will thank you for doing it before.

I think it's impossible to underestimate the effect a childhood with an alcoholic parent has. It really does alter the brain and it's a life long struggle.

id be surprised if they don’t know that something is wrong. But if they don’t, they will. If they don’t, leave now before they will. Alcoholism isn’t a static illness, he will get worse.

in terms of telling them, like others have said, seek advice.

I will say that alcoholism thrives on secrecy, there is no shame in saying to them (now or when they are older).

This. I had a lot of alcoholism in my family. Al Anon were an invaluable source of support. There's no judgement and everyone there has been in the same situation in one way or another

@Rainbowbrite82

Lovely, it's you doing nothing that should break your heart for your kids. Denying or refusing to deal with his alcoholism doesn't change the facts. Going to Al-Anon is a first step to healthy lives for yourself AND for your children.

Al-Anon is NOT about breaking up families. They don't tell you to leave your alcoholic. It's about you learning how to live your life honestly. What happens after that is totally up to you.

You matter. This is about YOU. When you start living your best life, so will your children.

Thank you - yes, It does break my heart @AcrossthePond55 - but I also hate that I feel this is all on me to sort out. If I don’t act, he certainly won’t

@Rainbowbrite82Sorry if I’ve missed your location, but if you happen to live in Hampshire, please consider contacting Parent Support Link for support (I work in the drug/alcohol addiction service)

Across the pond is talking a lot of sense, you didn’t cause this, you can’t control this and you certainly can’t cure him. The only thing you can control is what you do, and you need to do something for you and your little ones well-being x

Not the point of the thread, but what you are saying is so true, the attitude to drinking is so different in different countries. Aussies are definitely seen as big drinkers (for good reason!) but if you tried having one drink in public whilst pregnant here you’d get massive judgement! Some bar staff may even pass you to someone else and not serve you. You’d certainly not get any attitude for saying no, pregnant or not!

As for the secret drinking, my DH did this for a long time. I put up with it and it got worse. He was not pleasant when under the influence at all, and I eventually gave him an ultimatum: He quits completely or I leave. He quit, and started therapy. He did it because HE wanted to be better though, and realised it was messed up and he needed to change. Your DH needs to do it for himself, if it’s forced on him it won’t stick and will just cause resentment towards you, which will then feel really unfair for you, and the spiral goes on. It sucks, but it comes down to this; if he doesn’t want to change, and the behaviour is a deal-breaker for you, then you have to end the relationship. It’s not up to you to fix him, it’s up to him.

I’m sorry.