Is it wrong that I feel like I just want to walk away rather than help?

[Rainbowbrite82]

I'm realising DH has a drinking problem.

I'm not a drinker at all - maybe a glass of wine every few months. But he's the sort of person who will never turn down a drink. Over the past few months, I've noticed that a bottle of wine doesn't last very long in the fridge and have thought that he's drinking a little too much.

The biggest thing though is that I walked past his garden office just after lunch one day and he clearly didn't hear me and I saw him quickly try to hide a glass of beer under the desk. I confronted him about it and he said it was just because it was a Friday and he just wanted a beer to wind down but because I'm almost teetotal, he feels guilty even drinking one beer in front of him, as though he's being judged.

This obviously rang alarm bells with me and over the next few days, I just felt really suspicious and started looking round the house for hidden booze - I don't know what made me think to do that, I just did. I didn't find anything but I told him how I was feeling and that I felt he was drinking too much and might be verging on having a problem. He apologised and said to prove to me he doesn't have a problem, he'd give up for a month. And he did - during that time he bought lots of alternative drinks, like alcohol free beer and spirits.

But the month ended and the past few weeks I've seen bottles/cans in the recycling bin that I don't recall seeing him drink or in the fridge/wine rack. So he's clearly drinking in secret. The other night, I found a bottle of whisky stashed in a cupboard. I got up in the night to see if it was still there and i found it hidden somewhere else half empty. Two nights later, it's gone - it's not in the recycling bin but there was a different bottle of wine in there that I've not seen before.

The other thing to mention is that his mum was alcoholic when he was younger. Does it run in families? To her credit, she has been sober for 15 years, turned her life around and now counsels others with alcohol problems. Talking to her is not an option, though- he simply would not want to do that.

As my title suggests though, my immediate instinct is that I do not want to deal with this. I just want to walk away. I'm furious that he's been so deceitful and secretive. I feel like i can't trust him. I need to confront him and I feel like I just want to say "get help or we're over". But I also feel I owe it to our children to make sure he's ok and deals with it. Am I just an awful person for feeling like that? How did others here with alcoholic partners feel when they realised - did you want to help them?

I'm the last person to suggest someone stays with an addict beyond their limit but this seems very early on to be bailing and you seem very angry and judgemental towards him. He's got a problem, which he may or may not be able to address but being angry with him for lying and questioning how he could do this when his mum is an alcoholic is very unkind really. If you love him then give him one chance to address it. If you don't, then no shame in bailing. But learn about recovery if that's what you're going to do.

You poor thing. As I read on here recently, I wouldn't wish an alocholic partner on my worst enemy. Your instincts are likely 100%. The fact he is hiding, denying and questioning you are all classic things they do - it's not him drinking too much, it''s your perception!! Of course. The fact he thinks it's more important to 'have a few beers with mates' and won't see his GP is bad news.

Honestly, don't have children with this man. Run.

Thanks everyone.
Although as I said in my initial post, my first reaction was to bail, when I spoke to him, as a PP said, I did feel like I owe him at least one chance. He obviously has a problem and some emotional issues - if he was just suffering from depression or another kind of MH issue, I’d be pretty harsh to say “Sorry, I’m off” wouldn’t I - although the difference here is that he’s been lying to me. But alcoholism is a disease isn’t it?

I’m willing to give him a chance but my tolerance for further lying or him not making the effort to get help is very, very low.

And @Georgie743 we already have children…

So, I’ve been feeling suspicious again lately and searching the house a lot...

We went out tonight. All the men were drinking and by the end of the night, he looked drunk. They were all drinking roughly the same amount but the other men didn’t really look drunk to me (although i often find some people don’t obviously look drunk but their partners know when they are). He went straight to bed and I immediately started snooping and found half a bottle of wine in a rucksack. So I don’t know if he drunk that before we went out or some other time.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s not a nasty or violent drunk or anything like that. In fact, he usually just gets a bit silly or overly chatty and playful with the kids, which pisses me off TBH because he’s not normally like that with them. He’s a good dad but he isn’t usually silly/funny with them when he’s sober.

I can’t bare it when he’s drunk, even when he’s a bit tipsy from openly drinking (rather than secretly) when we’ve been socialising.

I know this makes me a terrible person but all I keep thinking is I can’t afford to tell him to leave. I cannot afford our house on my own - for a start, our mortgage is up for renewal soon and there is no way I would get a mortgage on my own. I’m part time and he earns about 7x what I do. If we split up, for the sake of my kids, I do not want to have to sell the family home. So that just sounds like I’m at the point where I’m using him for money…which is awful…

Is he a functioning alcoholic? I don’t think he drinks every day - unless he’s doing it at night when I’m in bed although I often go to bed after him. I can usually tell when he’s had a drink, even just a couple.

Do you actually know what quantities he is drinking?

So that just sounds like I’m at the point where I’m using him for money…which is awful

There are many women who are playing the long game, staying to make the eventual exit easier. I went to see a solicitor once, and I came away feeling empowered. I didn’t leave, but I still might yet. But the one thing I’d say is that I would have come out of it better if I’d gone when the kids were younger/still in education.

The place to look at is his garden office. He will feel that's his safe place.

Did he not seek help after you first confronted him? How was it left between now and then?

I don’t really know how much he’s drinking, it’s hard to tell but I think there must be days when he doesn’t drink at all because there wouldn’t have been the opportunity.

No, He didn’t seek any help. I think he thought it would all just get forgotten about as we haven’t spoken about it really since then. But I’ve noticed other things like on the rare occasion he doesn’t WFH and goes into the office (3 or 4 days a month) I’ve later found a can of either wine or G&T in the recycling which i can only assume he’s drunk on the train home after meeting friends for drinks after work.

@DustyLee123 I’m sorry you’re in a similar position. What did the solicitor tell you - would you be entitled to any benefits? I’ve no idea about stuff like that. What has stopped you leaving -is it the financial stuff?

What has stopped me leaving? That fact that I’d be financially worse off, I’d see the kids even less than now, and I’d be alone.

My DH drinks a bottle of red wine every day. I threatened to end it once, he said he’d stop, it lasted 5 days. He can go the odd day without when it suits him, but he always goes back.
I don’t drink now, partly due to peri, and partly due to the fact that watching him drink every day really puts me off it.

@DustyLee123 sorry, I used totally the wrong wording - I’m not suggesting you must leave. Of course you don’t want to leave your kids. My plan wouldn’t be to leave - it would be to tell him to go. But as I said, affording the house on my own would be impossible.

You say the solicitor made you feel empowered - in what way?

God, yes, I’m exactly the same - I rarely drink but seeing him do it makes me want to drink less and less. Last time I had alcohol was Christmas.

I wonder if you can maybe approach it with him about the depression/low mood problem, which is how he framed it last time. Maybe tell him you've found hidden booze again, is he still feeling depressed and does he want to get help via the GP.

The secret drinking could be more about repeating behaviour he's seen in childhood, since presumably this is what his mother did too. There's a lot for him to try to unravel.

It's interesting, though, that you say you can't bear it when he's drunk, even a bit tipsy. Is that more about you than it is about him? I also don't like to be around drunk people at all and quite honestly would have no patience for it in my house. But it's not a rule you can impose.

I think there are probably some things for you to unravel as well. When you posted before, you said There have been many times over the years, long before I was concerned about his drinking when I’ve felt suspicious about him and I didn’t know what I was feeling suspicious about. But you haven't uncovered anything, other than the more recent secret drinking? Is the drinking (or the deceit about it) triggering something more deep-seated for you too?

I'm certainly not trying to dismiss your concerns. He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, particularly as the child of an alcoholic.

@tribpot thank you. I don’t know how to talk to him because my gut instinct is to be angry rather than sympathetic. Which isn’t helpful is it?

As to whether it’s the deceit that’s the problem - I think it is for me. I just can’t abide being lied to. I don’t class myself as a particularly intuitive person but this feeling I’ve had all these years has been right, hasn’t it? I suspected he was lying about something and he has - his drinking.

I did find out some years ago that he’d lied about giving up smoking. I know, not a big deal to most people but we’d just had our first baby and I had always said I wanted him to quit before we had kids as I don’t want smoke around them and I think you have a responsibility to look after yourself when you become a parent - which he agreed with. Coupled with the fact that I lived like an absolute bloody saint when trying to conceive/being pregnant and breastfeeding - it massively pissed me off. If he really couldn’t give up, fine, tell me - but don’t lie about it.

And re being around people who are drunk - although other drunk people annoy me a bit, I find it particularly annoying when he’s drunk. And the reason is that he can occasionally be quite grumpy when sober whereas my kids and I are always messing around, being silly, making each other laugh - he only comes close to being like that when he’s had a drink. I should probably be grateful drinking doesn’t make him abusive but it annoys me that he’s only playful like that with alcohol.

He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, you dont want to leave him because you'll be skint. He doesn't want to get help.

So you have a choice to make. You can't control his every move OP. You can't make him stop and all this searching the house stuff isn't good for any family harmony.

So you can either suck it up and turn a blind eye or you seperate.

Since you're at the point of searching and wanting to control him and causing yourself anxiety while doing your sums. I don't see the harm in actually speaking to his mother. Maybe he needs to have his childhood out with her.

@gamerchick god, no, talking to his mum is just not an option. It really wouldn’t help things.

So your options are, suck it up or leave. Can't see how it could make things worse since everything else you've tried has failed.

It will bring it to a head. It's up to you whether you want to stay in limbo or not though. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

I think what he said about it being his only out and him feeling down and struggling with his family background is interesting. He might find The Adult Children of Alcoholics website interesting and quite validating. There are thousands of us! Being brought up by an alcoholic even an apparently loving and high functioning one can hollow you out emotionally in ways that frankly are very very difficult to explain. The alcohol sounds like a symptom or a coping mechanism as indeed it was for my parent. If you care for him and would like to make it work then by all means take some time to work through it with him. Having said that I would set a limit for yourself because if he really won’t help himself then you should absolutely protect yourself and your children and leave. Good luck

Does he actually have a drinking problem, or do you not like him drinking?

my dh is an alcoholic- he stopped drinking several years ago now, his behaviour had been awful and out of control.

now, it may appear that i am a secretive drinker, as i do like a drink now and them but i choose to drink when my dh is not around, so maybe a couple of glasses of wine when i’m cooking etc. my dh doesn’t often see me drink but he would see bottles in the recycling or notice i was tipsy (he doesnt have a problem with this).

Its perfectly fine for you to have boundaries but i’m not exactly sure from your posts he’s doing anything wrong, lots of people drink regularly -not saying its ideal.

He’s hiding alcohol around the house. I found half a bottle of wine in a rucksack yesterday. I’d say that’s a problem, isn’t it??

Alcoholics lie OP. And if they are caught out, they minimise, they gaslight, then they lie some more.
They just do. Its a mixture or shame, guilt, embarrassment etc.
Im not saying some dont have good reason to reach for the bottle but unless they want to stop, they wont stop. They dont all become nasty.
I was blind to it for so long. My H hid it behind being 'unwell' and 'tired'. Red wine turned into vodka hidden in water bottles. Then he had a stroke. We are separated but im stuck with him as an unofficial carer. I fully expect him to be dead within the next few years. Its not much fun frankly. Thats my piece said. Best of luck. X

@thesugarbumfairy I’m so sorry. You can’t even make a proper clean break. That sounds awful.

I've come across this thread and can't believe how it literally could have been written by me. This is my life right now. Alcohol hidden around the house, cans being consumed in secret on the train home etc. My husband lies endlessly about this stuff, he has been lying for over a year and the lies get worse and more convincing. He also tried the "feeling low and depressed" excuse. I have tried to help and support in so many ways. He does not fit the criteria of a typical alcoholic, he does not drink everyday but he gets drunk very easily when he does and he cannot stop when he starts. I am so miserable, I can't trust a word out of his mouth and I feel like calling time but I also feel guilty. I'm conflicted because our daughter is 1. I feel like I could ruin her life by staying with him and it potentially getting worse, but I could also ruin her childhood by separating from him. I would be grateful if we could stay in touch and maybe support each other in some way, I'm desperate for people who understand and don't just minimise and dismiss this behaviour.