Is it wrong that I feel like I just want to walk away rather than help?

[Rainbowbrite82]

I'm realising DH has a drinking problem.

I'm not a drinker at all - maybe a glass of wine every few months. But he's the sort of person who will never turn down a drink. Over the past few months, I've noticed that a bottle of wine doesn't last very long in the fridge and have thought that he's drinking a little too much.

The biggest thing though is that I walked past his garden office just after lunch one day and he clearly didn't hear me and I saw him quickly try to hide a glass of beer under the desk. I confronted him about it and he said it was just because it was a Friday and he just wanted a beer to wind down but because I'm almost teetotal, he feels guilty even drinking one beer in front of him, as though he's being judged.

This obviously rang alarm bells with me and over the next few days, I just felt really suspicious and started looking round the house for hidden booze - I don't know what made me think to do that, I just did. I didn't find anything but I told him how I was feeling and that I felt he was drinking too much and might be verging on having a problem. He apologised and said to prove to me he doesn't have a problem, he'd give up for a month. And he did - during that time he bought lots of alternative drinks, like alcohol free beer and spirits.

But the month ended and the past few weeks I've seen bottles/cans in the recycling bin that I don't recall seeing him drink or in the fridge/wine rack. So he's clearly drinking in secret. The other night, I found a bottle of whisky stashed in a cupboard. I got up in the night to see if it was still there and i found it hidden somewhere else half empty. Two nights later, it's gone - it's not in the recycling bin but there was a different bottle of wine in there that I've not seen before.

The other thing to mention is that his mum was alcoholic when he was younger. Does it run in families? To her credit, she has been sober for 15 years, turned her life around and now counsels others with alcohol problems. Talking to her is not an option, though- he simply would not want to do that.

As my title suggests though, my immediate instinct is that I do not want to deal with this. I just want to walk away. I'm furious that he's been so deceitful and secretive. I feel like i can't trust him. I need to confront him and I feel like I just want to say "get help or we're over". But I also feel I owe it to our children to make sure he's ok and deals with it. Am I just an awful person for feeling like that? How did others here with alcoholic partners feel when they realised - did you want to help them?

Thanks @familyissues12345 - I’m not near Hampshire unfortunately.

Yes, I told him clearly before that if he didn’t do something about it, I wouldn’t be sticking around. And ok, I’m still here - but I won’t be giving him another chance. I know what he’ll say - he’ll deny again that he has a problem and point to all the times that he’s had alcohol free beer when we’ve been out but I know now that’s just what he does in public to try to create the charade that he’s not a problem-drinker. We have bottles of booze in the house that have remained unopened for months - I’m sure he thinks I’m an idiot and that because these haven’t been touched, I’ll think he’s not been drinking.

Yes @LongTimeAussieLurker the attitude here is awful. I used to binge drink as a teen but soon grew out of it and have just drunk less and less as I got older. I REALLY hate the way you cannot say no to alcohol without someone questioning it “are you pregnant? Doing dry January? Pacing yourself? etc etc”
Why do I need a reason? Why can’t I just not fancy it in the same way that I might not fancy a lemonade or a cup of tea??

I get it. The alcoholic causes the problem, but we have to solve it. But we aren't solving their drinking problem, that's not on us. He can drink himself into the gutter, that's his decision and not your problem. What is up to you to solve is how to make your life, and your children's lives, the best they can be.

Don't resent the work you'll have to do. Resentment only weighs you down and makes what you need to do harder. In the end, you'll come out of it a better and stronger person. But remember you're only starting this journey and things aren't going to change overnight. Seek support IRL, check out Al-Anon, and you will soon find your way.

@Rainbowbrite82 It used to be that way when I was younger, but the attitude has really changed here in the past few years I have noticed. Heaps of non-alcoholic options at most bars, and lots of younger people not drinking at all! I hope it changes over there too, it’s so tiresome to have people pushing drinks on you, it’s like “why don’t you just do you, leave me alone 🙄”

He’s lost his job due to drink but in his defence he has cut down hugely. Has admitted he needed help and went to the doctors. So I think the intention to sort himself out is there which is the first step. He needs to find a new job and start afresh with his routines (he was a barman so surrounded by booze, v difficult to control in that respect!). He’s looking into other job roles to try and distance himself from it.
Hope things are moving in the right direction for you!

Hey.

My first h was an alcoholic and died six years after I left him (he was only 39 when he died).

I went through all of it, the denial, the desperation, the trying to fix him, the agonising over whether he was telling the truth or not (spoilers, if it seems even slightly fishy he's lying).

What you need to do now is almost pull up a mental drawbridge on "him". He's going to lie, he's going to drink, you can't change it, so accept that the life you had planned with him is over. I know that sounds brutal.

All YOU can control now is your actions and the future you build for yourself and your kids.

Work out how you will afford to live and where. You say he earns lots more than you: do a maintenance calculator and find out the minimum he has to pay you. If you're on a low income then maintenance doesn't impact Universal Credit (and on a low wage alone you might qualify even if you think you won't).

Make your own decision on how and when to tell the children, but in all honesty I wouldn't lie to them. Work out something age appropriate. Yes it will be hard, and the actual telling and leaving will be the hardest thing you ever do.

But woman up and know you are doing it to protect them, and protect yourself. Because that IS within your control.

In my experience Lividrah is right. I had many threads on here, and eventually separated and now nearly divorced last year after 4 years of exactly your situation.
He had been suspended from work for drinking - didn’t stop properly or engage with support fully.
He was caught lying to me countless times.
Drove drunk with our child and arrested and lost liscence.
Separated over a year ago and is still drinking, although less, still hiding it, still thinks can ‘moderate’ and still lies.
Our children now don’t see him much either.
He is still in a ‘poor me it’s not my fault’ mentality.
It’s so frustrating but I have to remind myself I can’t save him, he has to do that.
Get support from local Alcohol Rehab services (they do family support) as I found this helpful. You are most definitely not on your own. Thinking of you.

Thank you @Bridgewhat24
Do you mind if I ask how old your children were when you separated and what you told them?

Older, 18 snd 16, but had been told about Dad ‘drinking in an unhealthy way’ and getting support about a year before

We have bottles of booze in the house that have remained unopened for months - I’m sure he thinks I’m an idiot and that because these haven’t been touched, I’ll think he’s not been drinking

Suggest you check those bottles and see if they still have alcohol, clear spirits may be water. My brother had ‘dummy’ bottles in the cupboard that had been refilled. If they still have alcohol they may be his emergency supply.

Do the holiday, (try and find a way to ensure he doesn’t do any of the driving). As a PP said use the time between now and then to prepare to split afterwards, don’t tell him before hand. Alcoholics are not always rational. What you tell your children when you split is up to you but they will discover (or already know) he’s an alcoholic, I’d be inclined to be honest but minimal details, they don’t need to know the details.

If you stay your children will be damaged by his drinking. My brothers drinking caused family rifts that will never be fixed and still badly impacts his daughters mental health, even though he’s now several years dead from the drinking.

your DH is an adult that has to make the decision to stop for himself. All you can do is protect your children and yourself as much as possible from the impact, and you must protect yourself, your children will need you. Sounds like he’s a functioning alcoholic that is progressing towards no longer functioning. That switch can be very sudden and awful to be in the midst of especially for children.

Thank you @SadSisterOfAlcoholic I’m so sorry about brother.
I think I am going to go ahead with the holiday and then act afterwards. I’m also going to talk to AI Anon - I just need to try to find a time when I’ll be alone.

I’m finding it hard to bite my tongue though. Over the past week, I’ve found 3 bottles of gin and 2 x wine. Who knows what I haven’t found? I’m not sure he drinks every day but when he does, from the evidence I’ve found, he can easily drink a bottle of gin a day. I’ve never really known him to drink gin openly though - is he choosing it because it doesn’t smell as much and so isn’t as easy to detect on his breath??? Or do you think he’s at the point where anything will do as long as it’s strong?

FFS - just found another bottle in the usual hiding place. This is ridiculous. And what is pissing me off more is that we’re not exactly flush with money at the moment - he’s spent at least £50 on booze (that I know of) this week.

OP it’s so hard and the hope that you don’t realise you’re feeling gets dashed relentlessly.
My stbeh is now in a financial mess on his own. Has spent over £15k since Nov on nothing in particular and is now borrowing each month to make “ends meet”. Although has same income as I do, half the mortgage and pays only minimum towards kids.
Please learn the hard lessons so many of us have had to. Until he wants to do the work of owning the problem and wants to get help, there is literally nothing you can do.
Protect you and your children.

Rainbowbrite82 so glad you’ve decided to get support from AlAnon, I didn't and I really wish I had. I had therapy after my brother died which helped. I wasted so much time trying to support and help him, if I’d known then what I now know about alcoholism and alcoholics I’d have done things differently.

The absolute key thing to remember is you cannot fix him he has to decide to do that himself. Leaving him may help him realise he has to get help.

I’m not without sympathy for alcoholics, I understand it may be the hardest addiction to overcome and our societal view of anyone that doesn’t want an alcoholic drink doesn’t help.

One of the more shocking realisations for me as I looked at the devastation my brothers alcoholism caused within my wider family was that this is happening to families all over the world largely unseen and unspoken about.

@Rainbowbrite82

So you found bottles. Will that make him stop drinking? No. So stop looking for bottles because all it does is make you feel like shit. One of the things you'll learn with Al-Anon is that 'policing' doesn't work, nor does yelling, pleading, crying, begging, or threatening. The point of Al-Anon is to find peace within yourself. That doesn't mean thinking that their drinking is OK. Definitely not. But just getting the deep understanding that it is beyond your control and that it's OK to turn the focus on you and what you need and want.

Nothing we do or say will stop an alcoholic from drinking. You know he's drinking too much. Is knowing exactly how much he's drinking going to make you feel better? No. Is it going to make him stop? No. So why torture yourself?

Right now you're pissed off. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore it to shreds. But did my being pissed off change a single thing? Nope. In fact, it made me feel worse. Not just at my brother's drinking, but at my own sneaking around to find out how much.

You don't need to call Al-Anon first, just find a meeting in your area and go. Meetings last about an hour, and you can use coffee with a mate, needing to do some shopping, or perhaps a 'fake' doctor's appt as a cover story.

But do realize that they will not tell you how to stop your husband from drinking. What they will do is support you and help you find acceptance with the decision he has made. Once you accept that his drinking is not something you can cure or control, then you'll be able to gain the calm headspace to make a better life for yourself. With him or without him. Again, Al-Anon won't tell you to go or stay. But they will support you in whichever decision you make.

I'm sorry for your loss.

In the group I attend there are people there who have lost alcoholic family members or who have loved ones currently in recovery. Some of their loved ones have been gone for decades or sober for years. They're there because they realize there is a 'legacy' to having had an alcoholic loved one. If you feel that your brother's choices and his death are still affecting you don't be afraid to seek Al-Anon out, even now.

Ok, I know looking for the bottles isn’t helping anything but I can’t help myself - just checked and the partly drunk bottle of gin I found this morning is gone and replaced by a small bottle of red. He’s now in the kitchen and I’m in the lounge - I can hear him every now and then slowly unscrewing it and I assume taking a swig before trying to quietly put it back in the cupboard.

Jeez, it’s making me angry. I know I want to hold out till after our holiday as I don’t want to jeopardise ruining it for my kids and family who are coming - but how the hell I’m going to hide my rage till then, I don’t know.

Also, if I’d drunk a bottle of gin and some red I’d be on the floor - his tolerance must be sky high now.

For me, the monitoring of how much and how often was a way of trying to figure out how ‘bad’ it was and therefore how it might progress, if you know what I mean?
I couldn’t stop trying to find out either.
When he moved out, I realised how much less stress I had as I couldn’t know what he was drinking and didn’t have to be on edge wondering and constantly working it out.

Yes @Bridgewhat24 i think that’s what I’m doing…and I know it’s pointless.
I’m just shocked at the amount - god knows what it’s doing to his health. I feel so angry he’s risking a stroke/ heart attack whatever and the effect that would have on our children😔

I had the refilled bottles thing here as well.

I’m so sorry OP - the wondering and monitoring and constant assessing whether someone is lying or gaslighting is exhausting. xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My dad is an alcoholic and similarly he was only ever a silly fun dad when he was drunk which also upset my mom.

My dad has been drinking ungodly amounts of alcohol for their whole 40 year relationship and my mom is a shell of herself because of it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, it isn't always kinder to stay.

I know you want to wait until after your holiday but this resentment will eat you alive. The comment about hearing him unscrewing the cap secretly stuck with me, you must feel like you could explode. Personally I'd rip the plaster off and enjoy the trip without him.

Yes @Givemethestrength that’s exactly how I felt -like I could explode.
I’m constantly torn between feeling like I should be sympathetic - it’s a disease, it’s not his fault etc - and raging about how bloody selfish I feel he’s being.

And I’d love to go on holiday without him but I’ve no idea how I’d explain that to the kids without upsetting them and therefore ruining the holiday.

And thank you everyone who is commenting - the kindness you’re all showing is honestly making me feel a bit tearful.

Ok, I know looking for the bottles isn’t helping anything but I can’t help myself -

Lovely, stop and think about that statement. On one hand you think he 'could' stop drinking if he really wanted to. But on the other hand you 'can't help yourself looking for bottles? He can stop but you can't?

You can stop. You are choosing not to, for reasons of your own. But all it's doing is making you angry and more unhappy. What good is that doing? It's certainly not changing him one tiny bit.

but how the hell I’m going to hide my rage till then, I don’t know.

As far as holding your rage, well, you need to get to a place where the rage isn't there to begin with. That's a path you'll have to find for yourself.

For me the start was just realizing that all my anger and negative emotions wasn't affecting anyone but me.

And I’d love to go on holiday without him but I’ve no idea how I’d explain that to the kids without upsetting them and therefore ruining the holiday

How old are they? Do you think your husband would let you go on holiday without him without kicking up a fuss? What would happen if you told him just before that you needed some space to think and didn’t want him to come?

Alternatively it would be a bit devious but could you hide his passport and see how he reacts, if he’s checking out of engaging with family in order to drink he may not be bothered and stay at home in which case you could go and have an innocuous reason. If he clearly wants to go you can ‘find’ the passport

Explanation for children depends on their age but ‘daddy has something he needs to do’ may be sufficient

AcrossthePond55

Thank-you for your kind words, I think I will search out an Al anon group local to me.