My husband thinks I have a problem

[User920202]

Pretty consistently over the last few years I've had 1-2 bottles of wine a week. Sometimes I'll treat myself to some rum maybe once a month. It helps me unwind after work and being a mum. I work 40 hours a week and parent in all of my free time so its just a treat during my rare "me time". He says he's worried I have a problem. Do I?

Personally, I think drinking one bottle of wine in your own to ‘wind down’ isn’t healthy.
Its not as much the quantity but the drinking alone that i would query.

It is a lot of alcohol

Op, 1 bottle of wine is 10 units typically - a glass is more than unit 🫤
so 2 bottles a week is exceeding the recommended limit for women of 14 units per week.

Im sure most medics wouldn’t get into much of a faff over occasional 20 units in a week if there were weeks when you drank maybe half a bottle of wine in total amd on average you were about 14 units. But if you’re doing this week in week out, and then having rum on top of that sometimes then there is a distinct possibility you’re damaging your liver. Not saying it’ll kill you , but depends on your age, when you started to do this, and whether you keep it up for the rest of your life. Evidence also stated envoy indicates people underestimate their drinking, and certainly units consumed.

so, do you have a problem? It depends on whether you can cut it back to your 14 units easily. If you find that difficult then, yes, it’s a problem and probably you could do with some help in addressing this. Think about why you do it - sounds like a reward , is there some other way to reward yourself and relax at end of a hard

I will say that a lot of us develop bad habits as emotional rewards - I’m overweight. Same thing-reward myself on a Friday with a pud and takeaway, it isn’t easy .

Hats off to those who have found healthy ways to reward themselves - can’t see the appeal in having nails done, massage or whatever they use 🤷🏼‍♀️

A glass to unwind is one thing, but a whole bottle another. Why do you need so much to relax or is it just that when you start the bottle you can’t stop?

I can’t imagine getting through a bottle of wine on my own.

Does he game most evenings? What else does he do in his spare time?

If he is gaming every night and does little else, I'd say he has a bigger problem than your 1-2 bottles of wine per week.

Though you may want to check out William Porter on YouTube - Alcohol Explained.

Hmm, 10 units in one go is more than a little tipsy - you’re not fit to drive for starters (doesn’t matter if you’re not driving - it’s the principle) so that is a good indication that your judgement will be impaired. sounds like you’re a bit in denial about that
if my spouse was doing this on a “school night” every week, and ignoring my requests to stay “not tipsy” once in a while I would be pretty narked. If you’re not fit to drive you’re not fit to do a whole bunch of other things. I would also question how tipsy you still are in the morning when you go to work- please tell me you don’t drive.

A little drink to relax is one thing, but a whole bottle in an evening on your own is not a little drink.
I think you could do with finding another way to relax. If DH is gaming and DC is asleep you could do literally anything else. Or you could take up a hobby together. (I hear sex is popular nowadays )

Some alcoholics can be performing alcoholics so hold down a job, never drink till after a certain time at night but need that drink because it's an addition. A close family member of mine died of alcohol induced liver cirrhosis and never drink before 8pm at night except on holidays, held down a good job, house, had kids etc but they were an alcoholic

Binge drinking is far more harmful than a drink a day. If I drank a bottle of wine in an evening I’d be comatose!

Strange it’s usually the other way round.

A bottle of wine in one go is 10 units, which would count as a binge for a female (anything over 5 units). It depends on why you feel the need to drink 10 units in one go.

Do you drink that bottle with a friend, or on your own?

I'd say they were drinking far more and more often than that if they died of cirrhosis. Alcoholics lie.

Blimey I thought you were going to say 1-2 bottles per day! Per week is absolutely fine and pretty normal I would say. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You think it’s normal to need to drink an entire bottle of wine to yourself in one go on just a regular night ie not an occasion, every single week?

Your and mine versions of normal are different.

Stop drinking for a month - was it hard or does it cause you any issues. If not then I suggest no problem.

OP didn’t say she ‘needs’ to drink anything. She wants to and that’s perfectly fine.

I don’t think you have a problem op .
people that admit to having a problem say
they can go days /weeks even without alcohol but when they drink they can’t stop .
They drink and become this horrible person /abusive having a accident not remembering what happened.
they don’t like the person they become .
having a bottle of wine does not make you a alcoholic but it’s a slippery slope if you become dependent on it .
my dad is tee total and hates my mum drinking but she will have 1 glass of wine and is tipsy she really can’t drink much but my dad likes to make out she has a problem. Saying that she’s not I’ll enjoy a glass of wine and put the rest for another day she’ll drink until it’s gone .
I think you need to be honest with your relationship with alcohol.

Thing is, when THEY don't have it, any 'boozing' at all seems like a lot to them. I have a couple of friends with teetotal husbands who moan about their 'boozing,' and sometimes taunt them, (they have 2 bottles of wine a month.) The men dress it up as 'concern.' It's not. It's bullying.

I know a man like that! My friend's husband who went teetotal. He started being 'concerned' about my friend's two glasses of wine. My friend stopped drinking for a while and guess what happened? He started commenting on her diet. 'Are you sure you need all that sugar?' and so forth.

What is your DH like with other aspects of your relationship, OP?

Does has share parenting etc? Do you both have equal amount of downtime?

Is he trying to control you, or is his concern coming from a genuinely good place?

How much rum.

Yea you’re right, she never said ‘need’.

Wanting one bottle in one sitting every week (plus/minus another or rum) still wouldn’t be normal for me though.

A bottle at a sitting is a lot and hard on your body, you want to spread that out more.

The other issue is that you're doing it as a way of coping with life - that isn't a good thing. That's a link you need to break.

She says it “helps” her unwind. Helping an emotional state is different to simply wanting a drink.

What is it that the whole bottle does that couldn’t be achieved with one or two glasses?

The implication is that in order to truly unwind she needs to drink to the point of being tipsy.

Unless it’s actually that once she starts she can’t stop until she’s finished the bottle.

Exactly.

It's not actually nonsense as l have experience of alcoholics too and have seen them stay off for weeks at a time but as soon as they have one they are off and find it extremely difficult to stop. I suppose all alcoholics have their own pattern.
l don't like when people say is dh religious or a problem drinker when he doesn't drink. Lots of people don't drink and most l know its for none of those reasons. Sometimes it's because they play a lot sport or don't like the taste or just couldn't be bothered. I very rarely drink as l have absolutely no interest in it. For some it might be they saw enough of it growing up and it holds no joy for them.