My husband thinks I have a problem

[User920202]

Pretty consistently over the last few years I've had 1-2 bottles of wine a week. Sometimes I'll treat myself to some rum maybe once a month. It helps me unwind after work and being a mum. I work 40 hours a week and parent in all of my free time so its just a treat during my rare "me time". He says he's worried I have a problem. Do I?

İt depends what you mean by "a problem" I suppose. There are disadvantages to this kind of binge drinking:

www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/drinking-habits-and-behaviours/binge-drinking#:~:text=The%20NHS%20defines%20binge%20drinking,females%20is%20the%20technical%20definition.

He doesn't drink as he doesn't like the taste or the way it makes him feel. No religion etc.

You are busy working and looking after children, your husband can look after them every second Saturday afternoon by himself so you can go out and enjoy yourself you can also do this for him. Otherwise you are in a cycle being overworked where you drink (‘treat yourself’) because you are realistically not getting much down time and might not have anything else to look forward to in the week. (You said in your post all you do is work and look after kids) You don’t get enough down time because you feel guilty about not seeing your kids. Your family might be better off if you come back refreshed rather than the cycle continuing. I know people that have various shift patterns that manage this but it takes team work.

I would consider myself a social drinker. I had a pattern of a half bottle Friday night, a glass sat and the end of the bottle Sunday while ironing .

I could go months without and happy to go anywhere without drink. I reckon I would have a pretty healthy attitude towards alcohol.

A full bottle in one night is a lot in one sitting. Ten units in one sitting is hard on the liver and does higher odds on d developing certain cancers.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and know scores of the "unfortunates". Most can definitely stop for periods of time. It's the lack of a "stop" button once they start which causes the problem.

I think it's completely ridiculous to suggest that someone who drinks the amount you've said has a problem. I misread your post at first as 1-2 bottles of wine a night and was thinking maybe he had a point, then I re-read it! 😆😆

I do look forward to a little drink after a long day
But interestingly you don't stop after one glass? I don't think an entire bottle of wine could be described as 'a little drink' - and I used to drink far, far more than that in a week so this isn't me trying to criticise.

If you're only drinking once a week (and thus not really building up so much of a tolerance) are you quite drunk after the bottle is finished? I wonder if that's what he finds concerning - being around drunk people is unbelievably tedious when you're sober. What if you tried just having one glass a night?

I would say you are drinking very slightly over your units but don't seem to be into 'drinking problem' territory. I would speak to your DH to see what it is he thinks constitutes a problem. It sounds like you're not getting a lot of downtime, so I'd definitely challenge him to suggest other ways for you to unwind (just 'not drinking' doesn't count).

One to two bottles of wine a week and a bottle of rum a month doesn't sound a lot to me. It sounds like you're a little bit of a social drinker. Some people I know go to the pub two or three nights a week. Several people I know go every night and have at least two to three pints or a couple of glasses of wine every time.

I see your husband does not drink alcohol at all... I know some men that don't drink at all. Completely teetotal and have been for maybe three to five years. (A few even longer.) Their wife will have half a bottle of wine, maybe once every two weeks, that's all. And maybe 1/4 about the Brandy to themselves over the weekend when it's Easter or Christmas or birthday or some kind of celebration.

The husband - for some reason - feels the need to comment ALL the time. Either faux concern, or saying what a 'lush' they are, and they should have a drip fed to them so the alcohol can go straight in to their veins etc etc. One absolutely delights in telling everybody what an absolute fucking whacking drunk his wife is, when she on a third glass of wine (and has had no alcohol for 10 days to a fortnight. )

Thing is, when THEY don't have it, any 'boozing' at all seems like a lot to them. I have a couple of friends with teetotal husbands who moan about their 'boozing,' and sometimes taunt them, (they have 2 bottles of wine a month.) The men dress it up as 'concern.' It's not. It's bullying. They are projecting their issues onto their wife who DOES drink alcohol. And it comes across as hectoring, and as I say, it's bullying.

Funnily enough, on the occasions where the woman's teetotal, and the man drinks, the woman never ever says anything to the man when he is a low to moderate drinker like all the women I know...

My DH gave up booze for about 2 and a half years, and he was the most boring, lecturing, judgemental moany fucker ever, whenever I let alcohol touch my lips. Pissed me right off. I could not stay with a judge teetotaller long term. Just would not work.

Yes you have a problem. Doesnt mayter whether you label it or not. You can not manage the stress of your life without a weekly or daily reward that at the levels you are drinking will have an effect on your health. You are solo drinking so it is not helping you build and maintain a healthy social life. And you, yourself, say you do it because you can not give yourself permission to delegate some family duties(time) to leave the house and take up a refreshing hobby or excercise. You think you are multitasking by drinking to relax while in the home performing your function as the family martyr but you are just a functioning drinker for now. Keep it up and you will end up in a dangerous place. The people I know who drank that regularly and persistently were functional until they weren’t and liver or heart ended up with chronic health conditions.

OP it doesn't sound like you have a problem, however if your DH is TT his perspective might be different. When you have a bottle do you get a bit tipsy and loud? Are you more likely to get into arguments with DH? Are these reasons he might see you having "a problem"?

I'd be a bit concerned that you're drinking a bottle at a time - it would be better to be drinking one bottle over a few days than one bottle a night then nothing for a few days. How do you feel after your full bottle? Are you able to function entirely normally the next day?

I probably drink 1.5 bottles a week but in the form a couple of small glasses 4 or 5 times a week. If I have more than that in one go, I sleep badly, often have a headache the next day etc etc. So except for the odd night out with friends, I do try not to drink more than that in one sitting.

One whole bottle of wine to yourself in just one evening?

To me that feels like a lot.

I feel fine the next day and I get up and go to work without a problem. The bottle doesn't make me drunk, I get a little tipsy but I can function properly.

A bottle at a time is a lot. Can you have half that?
Alcohol is an issue when it affects your life or relationships. Or you feel you need that drink. It’s not just about how much or how often you drink.

1 or 2 bottles across the week might seem harmless but drinking a whole one in a night to yourself is excessive. If you look forward to a drink then have a drink, not a bottle.

The issues are that you rely on alcohol to “unwind” and you drink a whole bottle of wine at once. For your partner that means one night a week you’re tipsy and the kids are on him.

Why do you think having alcohol to unwind is an issue?

The amounts quoted are a bit woolly. One bottle of wine in one night then a bottle over 2-3 nights plus however many rums does sound a bit much if that’s most weeks? Or is it usually one bottle and a couple of runs per week? A bottle of wine in one night qualifies as binge drinking really.

Spread one bottle over 2-3 nights and I think that’s fine. I would try to keep it to that most weeks and then a couple of rums as a treat on a special occasions?

Your DH not drinking could skew his perception though. I think it depends what the intake really is most weeks.

Our daughter is in bed and fast asleep at this point. He spends his evenings gaming, I put our daughter to bed and then have the wine.

As for amounts, example: 1 bottle on a Monday and maybe a 2nd bottle once a month on a Sunday. So one week of the month I will have had 2 bottles, either end of the week. The rum will be on a week where I have had just 1 bottle of wine that week and will be instead of the 2nd bottle, not aswell as. And I never have wine and rum on the same evening.

It doesn’t matter if you have wine and rum the same evening. It matters how you are using alcohol. It’s fine for enjoy a glass or two. But to need it to unwind (and binge like this) isn’t healthy.

Yeah a bottle at once seems a lot on a regular basis. I'd definitely be drunk on a whole bottle but I've really cut down on my alcohol use so get drunker quicker these days!

Is he controlling in other ways?

I don’t drink hardly ever but I certainly don’t equate 1 bottle of wine a week when the kids are in bed as having a problem. Unless you start having annoying behaviours in connection to the drinking or not getting up the next day he’s being ridiculous.

Why don’t you try this “il give up my wine every other week if you give up your gaming dh - we can get a babysitter and go out for a meal or get a takeout and stay in and watch a movie instead”?

See how he reacts to that.

I disagree that a glass of wine to unwind is bad. I know we're all supposed to see that as terrible, blah blah, but I just don't. everyone has different things they use to unwind. The issue is when alcohol use is excessive or controls you.

It doesn't sound like that's the case here (although one bottle a night probably isn't good for you). And I don't think that your DH's view is exactly unbiased - he doesn't drink.

I like a drink to unwind. I’d probably average a bottle of wine a week also. But I would have 2 glasses on a Friday evening and 2 glasses on a Saturday evening. I would agree that a bottle of wine in one evening is not great for your liver and would be better spread over 2-3 days.

He spends his evenings gaming

Hmm. And how does that make you feel?