Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Husband has huge problem I want to help

56 replies

Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 22:56

I really don't know where to start. This all might seem a bit confused but I'm just going to type things as I go.

My DH is an alcoholic. We don't talk about it but I know he realises that he is too. He drinks lager every evening and has done for a very long time. He never seems drunk. He cooks all our meals and cleans the kitchen afterwards. Holds down a busy stressful job. He is very good at what he does. We have a laugh together and a lot of the time things are good. We have normal conversations most of the time. He never has a hangover (yes I realise that it's because he is tolerant to alcohol now). He is an amazing dad to our DC. Is always really hands on etc. I really want to help him but I can't talk to him about it. Now things are starting to get more and more strained. The weekends are getting to the point where I really don't want to be around him. He picks arguments and can contradict himself in one sentence. He blames me for most being a nag. He has very low self esteem and thinks he is "shit at everything", his words. After reading many of the threads on here I really should leave him. But I don't want to at all. He is the love of my life. We've been together since I was 16 so nearly 30 years. I can't imagine my life without him. We talk a lot about the future and things we'll do, places we'll go to and plans we have for the house etc. I realise that we probably don't have a future ie. he'll either die or things will get worse and I'll leave him.
Is leaving him my only option?

OP posts:
WonderWoop · 12/03/2023 23:04

How much does he drink each eve?

Are you sure the recent issues aren't being triggered by something else?

No, you don't have to leave him. You have choices and there will be solutions Flowers

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/03/2023 23:17

Can you get him to a gp appointment as a first step? It's not clear whether he could stop or whether he'd need help to manage the withdrawal

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:17

At least 4 cans during the week. More on a weekend. He just seems so oblivious to it affecting anyone else but himself. About 7 years ago he lost his job because he "borrowed" money to pay for his alcohol. Promised he would stop. Never did. Even when he got a new job he didn't think that he might mess that up too because of the drinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:21

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/03/2023 23:17

Can you get him to a gp appointment as a first step? It's not clear whether he could stop or whether he'd need help to manage the withdrawal

I think he is scared of stopping because of how I'll it would make him. He has no trust in the GP after things that have happened in the past. Not related to drinking. I think he just wants to "cut down" but I don't think that's an option as there is probably already a lot of damage it's gone on for that long.

OP posts:
itendswithus · 12/03/2023 23:23

4 cans????

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/03/2023 23:23

So maybe try a different gp? I wonder if he's worried about his health and if that's why he's grumpier.

itendswithus · 12/03/2023 23:24

I read your post thinking he'd be drinking 6,660s bottles a night.

Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 12/03/2023 23:24

Assuming that is 4 cans a night

itendswithus · 12/03/2023 23:25

4 cans a night is small fry

Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 12/03/2023 23:26

I don't agree @itendswithus 4 cans a day is quite a lot

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:29

itendswithus · 12/03/2023 23:24

I read your post thinking he'd be drinking 6,660s bottles a night.

It's about 90 units a week depending on how much extra he drinks at the weekend. Today he has had 8 cans. Slept on and off during the afternoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:30

Twopoodlesarebetterthanone · 12/03/2023 23:24

Assuming that is 4 cans a night

Yes. At least 4 cans each night. Sometimes more. Definitely more on a weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:34

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/03/2023 23:23

So maybe try a different gp? I wonder if he's worried about his health and if that's why he's grumpier.

I really need to get him there. On the weekends when he's talking crap there is a lot of talk about how he doesn't want to be around anymore etc. he says we'd be better off without him. I tell him he needs to talk to someone and he says they are crap and just fob him off. Everything I suggest I just get shot down.

OP posts:
LondonSouth28 · 12/03/2023 23:34

Unless your DH admits he has an alcohol problem then you're either going to need to live with his "mistress" (alcohol) and all that comes with it (and the picking on you, getting upset with you etc will get worse) or leave him. I hope others have more positive experiences but mine told me that unless he admits it and wants help then it's not a good outlook.

Rewind20Years · 12/03/2023 23:36

He wont stop toll he wants to

My partner has always had a difficult relationship with Alcohol
He was an alcoholic, for atleast 10 years

Never really admitted to having a problem
Didnt listen to anyone who would try to get through to him

One day, he woke up and said ‘No more’
He detoxed himself over a week (Which he should never of done without medical care and actually could of killed him)

He has been ‘dry’ for more than 6 years now but struggles alot and still wants a drink all day everyday …
…………………………………………………

OP
I dont think the only option is to end your relationship
I really hope he can stop

GodspeedJune · 12/03/2023 23:38

itendswithus · 12/03/2023 23:25

4 cans a night is small fry

No it isn’t. Four cans every night is absolutely alcohol dependency.

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:38

LondonSouth28 · 12/03/2023 23:34

Unless your DH admits he has an alcohol problem then you're either going to need to live with his "mistress" (alcohol) and all that comes with it (and the picking on you, getting upset with you etc will get worse) or leave him. I hope others have more positive experiences but mine told me that unless he admits it and wants help then it's not a good outlook.

He admits there is a problem. The word alcoholic has never been mentioned by him. I don't think he wants to give up altogether which is what will need to happen if we want a future together. We don't have much money now as our mortgage is huge. In 7 years we will be mortgage free and be able to do all of the things we been planning. I'm scared he won't be here then x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 23:40

You need to say the word alcoholic and you need to think about the impact this is having on your kids.

Cantstaystuckforever · 12/03/2023 23:41

Speak with your GP for him - possibly together. Speak with Al Anon for you, it will be helpful to hear from other partners and loved ones.

Ignore all the '4 cans?' people. Like you said it adds up, it also makes me wonder if there's more you don't see, be ready to learn that he's drinking during the day, also think about how you want to approach him driving your DCs.

You might also one day and consider yourself as having been in denial at this point. People in active addiction are not 'amazing dads'. They can be loving, they can be hands-on, but they are also feeding their addiction first, and risking their own health and that of those around them. If he works on the week, and he's bad enough you don't want to be around him on the weekend, how is this good for your DC? Have a look at the stats on the outcomes for children of alcoholics, it's depressing reading.

You're doing your best, and in the end it has to be his choice. I hope he can make the right one, for all of your sake.

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:41

Rewind20Years · 12/03/2023 23:36

He wont stop toll he wants to

My partner has always had a difficult relationship with Alcohol
He was an alcoholic, for atleast 10 years

Never really admitted to having a problem
Didnt listen to anyone who would try to get through to him

One day, he woke up and said ‘No more’
He detoxed himself over a week (Which he should never of done without medical care and actually could of killed him)

He has been ‘dry’ for more than 6 years now but struggles alot and still wants a drink all day everyday …
…………………………………………………

OP
I dont think the only option is to end your relationship
I really hope he can stop

Thank you for replying. I really hope that I can get him to realise that things need to change. The thing is I can't talk to him when he's had a drink as he gets angry and we can't have a conversation about it. When he hasn't had a drink things are so lovely I don't want to spoil it. I realise I just need to bite the bullet and bring it up and say how I feel about it all

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 12/03/2023 23:42

It's borderline "official" alcoholism (100 units for men) but sounds like a rather moderate amount to be creating argumentative mood changes at home and problems at work. I think he's drinking much more that you don't know about.

Problem drinkers normally only seek help when they've reached "rock bottom", the severity of which varies by person. I went into rehab before I'd done anything awful, but was putting away around 300 units a week. Most of the so-called high functioning addicts in with me were downing a bottle of vodka on the way into work, inventing work trips to go on benders a few times a week, or doing the equivalent with their substances of choice.

You can't make him want to stop, he has to decide for himself. Losing his family (or the threat, depending on how ready he is to accept there's a problem) might be enough to prompt him, but nobody can really advise you on that. Whatever else you do, avoid co-dependency! Al-anon can advise you on that.

LondonSouth28 · 12/03/2023 23:43

If you can get him to admit it, admit he needs help, go and get the help and stick with it and make him see that not drinking is the way forward then there is hope.

Alcohol is devilishly hard to let go of.

Surprisingly alcoholism doesn't massively shorten your life span as much as you'd think, especially if you're living in a home with good food, heating etc.

Rewind20Years · 12/03/2023 23:46

I totally get that you dont want to spoil a ‘good day’ but you really have to

You have to try and get him to understand how it effects you and how it effects his mental health

Try and keep it as light as you can, dont say to many negative things, dont go into his ‘faults’ of how he is when he has a drink

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/03/2023 23:51

It's a similar level of drinking to Adrian Chiles. He made a tv program about it and has published a book now called the Good Drinker which might be worth a look

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:51

Rewind20Years · 12/03/2023 23:46

I totally get that you dont want to spoil a ‘good day’ but you really have to

You have to try and get him to understand how it effects you and how it effects his mental health

Try and keep it as light as you can, dont say to many negative things, dont go into his ‘faults’ of how he is when he has a drink

Yes, I really need to do this. He is very down about himself so I need to try to phrase it in a way that I'm not blaming him for ruining everything. I know it's his fault but when he feels bad it makes him want to drink more. I need to give him something else to focus on. If we went out on an evening say for a walk along the beach and fish and chips after he won't have a drink at all until we get home at around 10:30. When we went to london for the weekend he had 1 drink in the hotel before bed and that was it because we are busy doing stuff and also he thought the prices were criminal lol. But we can't be doing "activities" every night. That's just not practical.

OP posts: