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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Husband has huge problem I want to help

56 replies

Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 22:56

I really don't know where to start. This all might seem a bit confused but I'm just going to type things as I go.

My DH is an alcoholic. We don't talk about it but I know he realises that he is too. He drinks lager every evening and has done for a very long time. He never seems drunk. He cooks all our meals and cleans the kitchen afterwards. Holds down a busy stressful job. He is very good at what he does. We have a laugh together and a lot of the time things are good. We have normal conversations most of the time. He never has a hangover (yes I realise that it's because he is tolerant to alcohol now). He is an amazing dad to our DC. Is always really hands on etc. I really want to help him but I can't talk to him about it. Now things are starting to get more and more strained. The weekends are getting to the point where I really don't want to be around him. He picks arguments and can contradict himself in one sentence. He blames me for most being a nag. He has very low self esteem and thinks he is "shit at everything", his words. After reading many of the threads on here I really should leave him. But I don't want to at all. He is the love of my life. We've been together since I was 16 so nearly 30 years. I can't imagine my life without him. We talk a lot about the future and things we'll do, places we'll go to and plans we have for the house etc. I realise that we probably don't have a future ie. he'll either die or things will get worse and I'll leave him.
Is leaving him my only option?

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmaa · 12/03/2023 23:52

Blinkingmarvellous · 12/03/2023 23:51

It's a similar level of drinking to Adrian Chiles. He made a tv program about it and has published a book now called the Good Drinker which might be worth a look

Oh, I'll have to have a look for that. He likes Adrian Chiles so something he can relate to.

OP posts:
NurseCranesRolodex · 12/03/2023 23:54

4 cans of lager does not seem excessive. Are you sure he's not got a secret stash of spirits too? Is he hiding what he's drinking? 4 cans isn't optimum health and I appreciate you're worried about him but it sounds like there is lots of room to intercept the habit. He sounds depressed. Get him to GP.

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 13/03/2023 00:00

NurseCranesRolodex · 12/03/2023 23:54

4 cans of lager does not seem excessive. Are you sure he's not got a secret stash of spirits too? Is he hiding what he's drinking? 4 cans isn't optimum health and I appreciate you're worried about him but it sounds like there is lots of room to intercept the habit. He sounds depressed. Get him to GP.

It might not seem excessive but every night and then on a weekend he has double. Some night he'll buy a couple of craft beers and have those too. I'm with him all of the time he's is drinking so I can see what he's having. I control all of the money now too so can see what he spends. I can tell when he's had a drink so know he's not drinking at work. He's been a drinker for over 20 years, believe me I can tell.

OP posts:
HareintheBluebells · 13/03/2023 00:00

I also think he may be drinking in secret. 4 cans is a lot but it’s not the level of drinking you’d normally associate with mood changes or stealing from work to pay for alcohol.

Sarahcoggles · 13/03/2023 00:01

No need to see a GP about this. GPs don't deal with alcoholism. There will be a self-referral alcohol advisory service that is contracted by the NHS for your area. Google alcohol services in my area. They will help.

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 13/03/2023 00:03

HareintheBluebells · 13/03/2023 00:00

I also think he may be drinking in secret. 4 cans is a lot but it’s not the level of drinking you’d normally associate with mood changes or stealing from work to pay for alcohol.

The mood changes come on a weekend usually when he's had more. Today for instance he's had 8 cans. The longer this goes on the worse he gets it's as though it's building up inside him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmaa · 13/03/2023 00:04

Sarahcoggles · 13/03/2023 00:01

No need to see a GP about this. GPs don't deal with alcoholism. There will be a self-referral alcohol advisory service that is contracted by the NHS for your area. Google alcohol services in my area. They will help.

That sounds like a good option. I'll suggest that to him. Have to find the right moment.

OP posts:
NurseCranesRolodex · 13/03/2023 00:14

Confusedmaa · 13/03/2023 00:03

The mood changes come on a weekend usually when he's had more. Today for instance he's had 8 cans. The longer this goes on the worse he gets it's as though it's building up inside him.

Show quote history

It does sound problematic, given your description. It must be really upsetting. There's still a way forward. My DH has a drink problem but it's not always active, he is also the one who cooks, cleans, fixes everything...is pretty much perfect and I often feel he abuses alcohol as a "reward" and I can't really address it because he does do everything. He drinks in the kitchen when cooking and I can't see him. He sometimes slurs when coming in with dinner and it infuriates me so much I can't look at him and go to bed immediately after dinner. I hope he can seek advice, it's a very very hard situation.

Rewind20Years · 13/03/2023 00:14

Self referral for services in the area are good.
I doubt he will be ready for something like AA, but its worth a try…

I think there is need to see / speak to a GP, He may need drugs to help him withdraw
Or monitoring
Alcoholism comes hand in hand with Mental health and the GP can help / do a referral / give advice / Sign post you to other services
As well as when things are a little more settled , to Do blood tests and potentially organise hospital specialists for scans on the liver etc

BritInAus · 13/03/2023 00:24

To those minimising and asking 'four cans???" as if you can't be an Actual Alcoholic unless you're drinking bottles and bottles of spirits every night, please stop. It's not helpful. It's the effect the alcohol has, not the amount.

The OP has said her husband lost a job and didn't even care due to money borrowed to buying alcohol. She is considering leaving him over this. 4 cans or 40, it doesn't actually make a difference.

BritInAus · 13/03/2023 00:28

OP, I have been where you are. A couple of years ago my 'D' died, very early 40s, due entirely to alcoholism. They didn't drink litres and litres of the stuff, either.

No, you don't have to leave him. But you need to be very, very realistic about your life with him. If the two of you can't even talk about the issue, he is MILES away from even thinking about recovery. And many addicts (and yes, that's what he is) can talk the talk, and try to recover - there are no guarantees.

Someone very wise said to me, you can choose to stay, but you need to accept you are staying with an alcoholic. And they will always be an alcoholic. Dry or drinking, they're still an alcoholic.

Please get some help from an organisation that supports families of alcoholics. And it's quoted a lot, but you need to remember the 3Cs. You didn't cause this. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.

All you're in control of is you. You can't make him realise he has a problem, you can't make him admit anything, or seek help, and keep seeking him... the only thing you can choose to do is the actions you take.

Crake1792 · 13/03/2023 00:28

Man here. Sounds like a tough situation and underlying MH issues certainly not helping.

I also drink quite a lot but something which has helped me is just literally to monitor it by counting units. Before, I had no idea, but now I write down how many units I have each week. When I get to 30ish I tend to stop - if I’m likely to have a heavy weekend I “save” units by not drinking during week to keep it in that 30 range.

Your husband might respond better to you simply suggesting something like that as it keeps him more in control yet would hopefully encourage him to self moderate. Seeking outside help sooner rather than later is a must too if it doesn’t get better. Good luck to you both

BritInAus · 13/03/2023 00:29

HareintheBluebells · 13/03/2023 00:00

I also think he may be drinking in secret. 4 cans is a lot but it’s not the level of drinking you’d normally associate with mood changes or stealing from work to pay for alcohol.

Yes, agree. Whilst there is no threshold for alcoholic drinking/non alcoholic drinking, most people wouldn't need to borrow money to fund that. It is very very likely he drinks at work/in the shed/in the garage/on the side of the road on the way home/in the car, etc. It's very sad and a very difficult situation to be in for you.

Sarahcoggles · 13/03/2023 00:30

Rewind20Years · 13/03/2023 00:14

Self referral for services in the area are good.
I doubt he will be ready for something like AA, but its worth a try…

I think there is need to see / speak to a GP, He may need drugs to help him withdraw
Or monitoring
Alcoholism comes hand in hand with Mental health and the GP can help / do a referral / give advice / Sign post you to other services
As well as when things are a little more settled , to Do blood tests and potentially organise hospital specialists for scans on the liver etc

GPs do not generally prescribe withdrawal drugs. I'm a GP and we don't prescribe in our surgery. It's not safe.

We need to move away from this idea that everything has to go through the GP. NHS England contracts out many of these services now.

OP you can call alcohol services yourself for advice.

HoleyShit · 13/03/2023 00:45

itendswithus · 12/03/2023 23:25

4 cans a night is small fry

Ffs, no, it really isn't.

Rewind20Years · 13/03/2023 01:08

@Sarahcoggles

The GP should be informed of the health and mental health issues here as well as the possibility of getting his liver health checked
And its a good idea for the GP to onow about his mental health struggles, no???

Yes there are other services and yes they can be used but some things still need to go through the GP
The GP cant just ‘fob off’ Mental Health they need to help!

My partner is a recovering alcoholic with mental health needs so i have ongoing first hand experience

Aria999 · 13/03/2023 01:37

The amount he drinks In itself doesn't really matter (unless he does suffer health problems from it but he may never do so)

As you can see from the thread already, some people will think that's not much and others find it horrifying.

What matters is that it's affecting his mood, his rationality, what he's like to be with. So, it's a problem.

Nosleepforthismum · 13/03/2023 06:31

I’m a child of an alcoholic parent and it’s one of the very big dealbreakers that I would leave my DH for. My mum was also not downing litres of vodka and her drink of choice was wine, but it was every night. More on weekends as well.

We used to tiptoe around her and do anything to try and keep her in a good mood because any arguments or perceived “negativity” would be used as an excuse to drink more. It breaks me a little when I look back at my 14 year old self trying to manage the situation and feeling responsible for my younger siblings as well. I left as soon as I turned 18 and it’s something my siblings have never really forgiven me for. My mum then spent the next 10 years falling on and off the wagon. Phases of insisting she didn’t have a problem, to then hitting rock bottom, seeking help, recovering for a time and then starting again. She had the view that she couldn’t possibly be an alcoholic because she didn’t drink in the mornings and she wouldn’t touch spirits etc but got a shock when she was diagnosed with liver failure when I was 24. Still wasn’t enough to stop her from drinking though. After this, I backed away fully as it was just so damaging to my mental health. I’d reached breaking point and my siblings and I had kind of accepted that she’d be dead in another couple of years. 3 years later we heard she was in intensive care. None of us visited and we assumed it was the end. However, somehow, she survived and I think it was the actual turning point for her to accept she had a major problem and she finally got sober. Her liver function returned and I think she’s been sober for about 6 years now. It’s something I will never take for granted but my mum has also been unable to acknowledge how terrible our childhood was and will still insist that she was fine and functioning properly as a parent. We don’t bother to correct her anymore as it’s just not worth it.

There are a lot of similarities with your posts as to how you are with your DH. You need to not avoid the hard hitting conversations as he will find any excuse to drink and as an adult you need to be doing this for your DC. You cannot change what is happening right now and you can’t help your DH. The only person who can help him is himself so you need to protect yourself and your DC first and foremost. I would leave my DH in a heartbeat to protect my children from the childhood that I had.

Ttwinkletoes · 13/03/2023 06:39

What age are the children?

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 13/03/2023 07:26

Ttwinkletoes · 13/03/2023 06:39

What age are the children?

Eldest is 26 and moved out first chance they got. Other two are 19 and 16.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedmaa · 13/03/2023 07:30

@Sarahcoggles thank you for that. I've had a look online and found out where our nearest service is. It's a case of getting him there. There is a lot of talk on the website about drugs and needles etc so he might take some convincing that it's the right place for him

OP posts:
Princessdebthe1st · 13/03/2023 09:46

Dear OP,

You are taking an awful lot of responsibility for this: “I’ll have to look at that”, “I’ll suggest that to him”. You shouldn’t be taking responsibility for finding the solution to his problem with alcohol, he should.

What @BritInAus said above is worth repeating:

*Someone very wise said to me, you can choose to stay, but you need to accept you are staying with an alcoholic. And they will always be an alcoholic. Dry or drinking, they're still an alcoholic.

Please get some help from an organisation that supports families of alcoholics. And it's quoted a lot, but you need to remember the 3Cs. You didn't cause this. You can't cure it. And you can't control it.

All you're in control of is you. You can't make him realise he has a problem, you can't make him admit anything, or seek help, and keep seeking him... the only thing you can choose to do is the actions you take.*

I would focus on getting support for you and your children from organisations such as AlAnon. They can support you while you decide what is the best course of action for you and your children. Your husband is responsible for himself, his actions and the effect those actions have on others.

One other thing to reflect on, why did your eldest leave home at the first chance they got? Do you want that to happen with your other two?

Ttwinkletoes · 13/03/2023 15:57

Your posts are very reasoned and clear but the bottom line is you can’t fix this and I think you should maybe just take him and the ‘cure’ he needs out of the equation and look at a future for you and your children.

Do you really want to be dealing with his issues ,say, in 10 years time - by then the DCs might be living miles away, there might be grandchildren - but you will have this liability restricting where you can go and when, perhaps a physically or mentally ill DH needing constant help/ care.

He might sort himself out, which would be great, but you could still get back together if this happens.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/03/2023 16:12

I have heard so many women say on here that their husbands clear up after the evening meal and then it turns out they drinking in the kitchen.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/03/2023 16:13

You say you will pay off your mortgage in seven years.

If he stopped drinking, how much sooner would that be?