I'm so fed up of this cycle 😞 ....

[Ceecee1983]

Hi,
I've stumbled across here so I can talk anonymously and feel no judgement. It's nice to get it all down and unload tbh.

I'm 39, work full time, very happily married and have daughters, 11 and 16. Lovely house and life yet this part of my life I can't seem to tackle for more than a few days before rewarding myself with the same thing that makes me feel the way I do. I drink cos im sad and im sad cos I drink. Annoying!!!

I first started drinking at home about 9 years ago. A bottle of wine would last the week and id enjoy it. Seems crazy to me it would last so long considering I only get 2 glasses out of a bottle now and it doesnt touch the sides. Im not proud of that. Im now doing a bottles a night, if not wine - half a bottle of vodka cos id somehow convinced myself it was better for me as it was less calories when in theory, I was drinking just the same.

I dont drink to get drunk and If the wine/vodka runs out - oh well, time for bed. I wont drink the other alcohol in the house etc. There's lots of stuff in the house I dont like, I wouldnt dream of drinking so I guess i have some level of control, not sure what that means exactly.

I dont drink in the mornings, never have unless we're at the airport. Midweek, I like a drink from 4ish until about 11pm. Weekends I can start earlier. I still so everything im meant to and I can afford to keep drinking this way, I just dont want to! I dont like what i see in the mirror as I've gained weight from drinking, not food. My diet is incredible but I'd happily skip a meal if it means I can have a large pinot instead. It's making me so sad but I always find myself with 2 bottles in my basket and im home, it's poured and I promise myself we go again whilst enabling myself with todays excuses. - Its been a tough day at work, the girls are being a pain, you need to relax, your husband is working late etc. I'm so done with my own bullshit!!

I've been to AA twice and it's not for me, i felt worse when I left after hearing everyone elses problems, im not into it! There's no way i'll go the doctors either, I need to do this alone or with a sponsor which i would love.

Can anyone point me in the right direction please? How do I get one without AA?

If you got this far, thank you - I appreciate it so very much

xx

I dont have any specific advice OP but just wanted to say well in on recognising you have a problem. Have you spoken to your GP? There will be local programmes they can signpost you to.

What does your DH think about it?

I wish my alcoholic parent had sought help. I always remember thinking "why didn't you want to drink less to help me" and that sticks in my head when I want to drink more than is good for me.

I need that decompression after work that alcohol can give. I've found an exercise class that helps, even just once a week. Also nicer non alcoholic drinks. Reduce rather than quit. I'm mindful of my own drinking due to alcoholic parent. I want to be alive for my kids.

Have you looked into Moderation Management? They are a great organisation with a lot of really great tools, online meetings, a Facebook group, and an online forum for support no matter whether your goals are reduction/moderation or complete abstinence. I find this a really great resource. Also Annie Grace, author of This Naked Mind, and I just discovered Adi Jaffe who has done some excellent ted talks around addiction as well as written a book called The Abstinence Myth about recovery from addiction. He has an incredible story too. AA is not the only way to find support...

My grandad was an alcoholic, so was his sister and my dad suffers too, not being an alcoholic as such but it makes him angry so he doesnt drink anymore.

My husband is very supportive and he just sees my drinking as something i do to relax whilst watching tv etc. Its not really spoke about negatively. He's not really a drinker, never has been really. I've mentioned to him that I want to cut down and he says 'you just tell me what you want me to do to help and i will' - hes honestly amazing. All of our friends are huge drinkers too, if the day ends in a Y and we're all together - there's drink! Doesnt help that they own pubs too.
No, I dont want to speak to my gp, i dont want a paper trail of this.

Thanks for your reply, means a lot x

I could have written this about myself a couple of years ago.
I am now happily AF and my only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner.

Have you read ‘the unexpected joy of being sober’? It kept me on track during temptation. As did not taking my purse out to work with me, so I couldn’t shop on the way home, jumping straight in the shower when I got home, leaving my hair wet and getting into my pj’s so I couldn’t go back out to the shop.

is there a close friend you could confide in who could offer you support?

There are alternatives to AA, I hope you find the sort you need
www.uk-rehab.com/treatment-rehab/therapy/five-alternatives-to-12-step-meetings/

www.readersdigest.co.uk/inspire/life/sobering-up-the-women-exploring-the-alternatives-to-aa

#support, not sort!

Ive never heard of them before but im going to look them up right now, sounds great! Ive just ordered 'The sober diaries' and i'll look up the other books too. Sounds great! Im not sure I want to be t-total forever but i know I need to break this drinking at home, there's more to life than reaching for the bottle every day.
Thanks so much for reaching out, means a lot xx

Congratulations, that's incredible!!

I find it so hard living in a society where not drinking is frowned up, its so weird! Yes, I have lovely friends but I'd never tell a soul, Im very much a put a smile on your face for everyone else and struggle in private. What people dont know about you they cant ever use against you. I've literally had this thought process since i was about 16. Odd to some but it's my self protection.

I'll look at those links now, thanks so much for reply - you've been a great help xx

You have to want to stop drinking OP, if you don't want to stop you are going to find yourself in this spiral for years. Good luck and the GP will help you when you are ready.

I recognise so much of what you have written, as you say, alcohol is ingrained in our lives. But you can live very happily without it (or as much of it) but you do need help. I hope some of the suggestions you see on here help.

Remember alcohol dependency is progressive. At some point your drinking will hamper your day to day life. It's probably already chipping away at your health and shortening your life.

Thank you 🥰

I recently got a full body scan and cardiac screening and thankfully my heart, liver, kidneys etc are doing great but I am very unfit as a whole. My age came back at 50 which is 11 years older than I am. Shocking!

All this for liquid?! Makes zero sense that I continue to do the thing that's causing me the issues. I must be mad?!

Thanks for your reply Paq xx

You aren't mad but you are addicted to alcohol. I can tell from your posts you aren't ready to give up yet. I couldn't work out from your OP what you were drinking? Just to say my sibling drank 2 bottles of wine a day and vodka as well and after 10 years of this her liver suddenly died. She cried and cried wishing she could turn back the years. Don't be that person.

I drink 1-2 bottles of 11% white wine or half a bottle of vodka with diet coke a day. Im aware im fully functioning but in my head, im not drinking in the morning or if im out and i cant drink, its not big deal. Drinking alone in the comfort of my own home is my thing. Im also the life and soul of every party. In a weird way im scared to lose that fun me.

So sorry for your loss, that must have been awful for you😞

She didn't die - her liver did. She had a transplant. I wouldn't wish what she went through on anyone.

Do you have any AF days? Having three days off a week would help.

There’s organisation called Smart Recovery who gives support and advice for addictions. Or why not do a month teetotal so you can have a reset. February is a short month.

You need to replace one habit with another. What could you replace alcohol with, exercise? Swimming? Going to the gym? Something that makes you feel good and gives you endorphins. Obviously if you can't get out of the house is there another non alcoholic drink you like such as coke that's still "naughty" but you can sip on instead meanwhile? Non-alcoholic beer? I'm thinking back to what I used when I really fancied a drink when I was pregnant.

You need to somehow make the pain of drinking alcohol WORSE than the pleasure of drinking alcohol. Find a way to do this. Read a book on the damage alcohol does to you. Research about its effects on your body and looks. Find stories from others of how they've lost and destroyed themselves and their families from the downwards spiral of alcohol.

This seriously threatens to destroy your life and that of you family. You must find the will somewhere to stop if you can't moderate.

Also - look up NLP (Neuro linguistic programming) for drug addiction. Rewire your brain and you won't need willpower, it reprogrammes your mind and what you associate pain and what you associate pleasure to.

Omg I’m sorry, I misread that 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes, I’ll have one or 2 a week but I’m very irritable and feel very flat in my mood. One drink and I’m back to normal.

I know I need to change and I ready, I just didn’t think I’d need to quit to do so. I was hoping it could be managed tbh.

Great idea, I have tried but I quit after 5 days 🙈 I’m going to try give February my all, I really need to!

Thank you for replying x

I'm in a similar situation op.. I used to be drunk from 2 glasses of wine and was able to moderate. Since lock down my drinking has increased. I drink if I'm happy, sad, had a good day, had a bad day any excuse really. I'm cutting down, I find I'm enjoying my af days I plan my night, tea, bath nice face creams, cups of tea and a good book in bed. I'm not finding it boring and when I wake up I feel I've achieved something.

My df is an alcoholic my dB drinks way to much my dm loves to drink I feel drinking is in my genes. But I'm determined to either stop or have at least 4 days per week alcohol free.

Also try and start later, occupy your normal wine time go for a walk, bath anything

The Annie Grace 30 Day Challenge saved me.

I can’t tell you how good life is without alcohol. It’s life in Technicolor.

Giving up was very hard, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was worth it.

God, the sense of freedom is immense. Not having that stupid back and forth conversation in your head every day, no self-loathing.

You can do it, OP.

You're right and I have all the will in the world for my family, it's the most precious thing I have. xxx

Once drinking has started to control you, it is near impossible to regain moderation.

The mental and physical effort needed to not drink for a night is so all-consuming, of course you feel flat and irritable. You are literally fighting an addiction.

You want to hear that it will be possible to regain control but I have never known anyone who managed to achiever that, and my life has been blighted by plenty of alcoholics.

At worst, you are drinking two bottles of wine every night. You are an alcoholic. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

The alcoholics I've known who have started to live their life again, stopped drinking. The others continue to 'diet', constantly in a state of agitated exhausted from being controlled by alcohol.

Ahh well done, sounds like you're doing super well and it's really hard to sit with yourself and recognise that you have an issue. Its even harder if alcohol is a heavy presence in your life, thats what im finding.

not sure im ready to say 'Hi im a fully functioning alcoholic' yet but im fully aware what's going on.

Let's keep in touch, im sure we'll go on to do amazing xx