Alcoholic husband on last legs

[1980sfookup]

Please listen. My exh is in hospital. We divorced 12 years ago because I could not put my children through it. Now he is in hospital - has maybe 24-48 hours. Organs shutting down. I can't see him. Feel so angry - he let us down but he's the kids dad. It's awful but no one thinks about what WE went through.

So yesterday was exH funeral. So we'll attended maybe 150 people - for a Monday morning at 10am I suppose it's pretty good.
Couldn't sit with children as they were in family bit. Saw them after and at the function after. Felt so bad for his parents. I stayed a few hours and watched every one getting stuck into the drinks. I drove as I wasn't sure how I would feel.
Woke up today and it has hit me so hard. The guilt. Why didn't I stay? Why did I give up? His second wife was there - she left to for the same reason. I never mourned the end of our marriage - but now I am. Fucking alcohol - ruined at least eight lives. His parents are 81 and 79 - they buried their child. How will they reconcile this? How will any of us.

Oh OP, what a difficult day you've had! Please take some time for yourself and contact CRUSE if you feel that you are dealing with complex bereavement. The guilt take a long time to wear off - I'm over 4 years out from my late husband's death and the first two were really hard. It does get better.

So sorry OP. Alcoholism is the ultimate selfish illness. Plenty of people recover (no, it's not easy) but the helplessness of people who say "well it's a disease so I can't help it" is deeply frustrating. No one holds an alcoholic down and pours drink down their throat.

All the emotions you are feeling are perfectly understandable

I'm so sorry OP. Daughter of a recovering alcoholic here. At exactly the same age as your late ex, my Dad went to rehab. That was 36 years ago. He's nearly 91'now. The 3 other guys in the program all relapsed and died soon after.

None of us children drank because of what we went through with him.

He was a highly successful pillar of the community and back in the 80s you could be an alcoholic and function extremely well. All his friends and family made excuses for him.

"Great craic"
"Life and soul of the party"
"A character"
"Likes a drink, so what?"

Once he quit they were quick to tell us they'd all been worried about him and were delighted to see him sober, then one by one slowly peeled away, turned out he was also PAYING for the party.

We joined al Anon and it was fantastic, also we had family therapy, unusual for the 80s in Ireland, but it was extremely helpful.

I wish you luck on your journey. I know a little of what you're feeling.

Hugs OP dreadful day for you. Get as much help as you can.

Condolences to you and your/his family.
I agree with you it might be a disease but it's a disease people bring on themselves. The choice is theirs..to drink to excess or not. There is a point where they can/should stop and they choose not to.

Thank you everyone. It's so tough. I will definitely be seeking some sort of counseling.