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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Alcoholic husband on last legs

58 replies

1980sfookup · 20/11/2022 20:47

Please listen. My exh is in hospital. We divorced 12 years ago because I could not put my children through it. Now he is in hospital - has maybe 24-48 hours. Organs shutting down. I can't see him. Feel so angry - he let us down but he's the kids dad. It's awful but no one thinks about what WE went through.

OP posts:
Original poster
1980sfookup · 12/12/2022 23:38

So that's it. He's gone. After weeks of hanging on in there his poor worn out body gave up. But not before I'm told that he left the hospital to go to a nearby shop and brought alcohol into the ward to drink in ful view of the staff and patients.
So now all that is left is a gaping hole for a dad and a son and a lifetime of wondering if we all actually did everything we could. Logic tells me that you cannot help an addict that doesn't want help or doesn't see a problem -.but they don't have to live with the consequence of their actions. Anger, sadness, bitterness at everyone, myself and the universe.

OP posts:
SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 13/12/2022 00:07

Sending lots of love to all of you affected by the loss OP. I know if anything happened to my XH it would break my heart, not just for the relationship we used to have but for how it would affect my DCs. Take it easy and allow yourself to grieve in any way you need to so that you can be there for your DCs also. Such. A. Waste.

MrsPerfect12 · 13/12/2022 00:17

So very sorry for your loss.

Nat6999 · 13/12/2022 00:22

Sorry for your loss, look after your dd's & don't be afraid to get them support if they need it. Alcoholics are selfish & don't care about anyone or anything other than alcohol, your dd's are better off now they don't have to prop him up any more, I know they won't feel that way now but in the long run they are.

Andypandy799 · 13/12/2022 04:08

Nat6999 · 13/12/2022 00:22

Sorry for your loss, look after your dd's & don't be afraid to get them support if they need it. Alcoholics are selfish & don't care about anyone or anything other than alcohol, your dd's are better off now they don't have to prop him up any more, I know they won't feel that way now but in the long run they are.

Such a horrible thing to say about alcoholism. It’s a disease ffs. Speaking as a recovering alcohol use disorder survivor

laurenGame · 13/12/2022 04:34

1980sfookup · 12/12/2022 23:38

So that's it. He's gone. After weeks of hanging on in there his poor worn out body gave up. But not before I'm told that he left the hospital to go to a nearby shop and brought alcohol into the ward to drink in ful view of the staff and patients.
So now all that is left is a gaping hole for a dad and a son and a lifetime of wondering if we all actually did everything we could. Logic tells me that you cannot help an addict that doesn't want help or doesn't see a problem -.but they don't have to live with the consequence of their actions. Anger, sadness, bitterness at everyone, myself and the universe.

In so so sorry.
Please trust me, you did everything you could.

When my friend took me to drug & overdose department at a&e the first thing I did when they discharged me, was go to the shop to buy more alcohol.
There was nothing more you could do. I hope you and your daughters pull through this awful time. Flowers

Gingernaut · 13/12/2022 04:38

You did everything you could and in spite of everything the hospital did, he threw it back in their faces by buying booze.

Look after yourself. That's all you can do now. You have nothing to be guilty about.

RandomMess · 13/12/2022 07:51
Flowers

So sorry it was long and lingering it's horrible for everyone.

I hope you all get the support you need.

You know there is nothing you could have done, the desire to quit any addiction has to come from within.

Always4Brenner · 13/12/2022 09:07

OP hugs hugs and more hugs you are free now from the worry of the hell this relationship had become. Your children have a wonderful mother at least they can grow now without the worry of a dad drinking.

FillyTilly · 13/12/2022 12:50

This is so sad for all of the family left behind 😢💐

tonystarksrighthand · 13/12/2022 13:05

I am in a family of recovering alcoholics. My heart goes out to you OP.

The stigma needs to end and more people would end up in recovery.

We lost to my 29 year sister to alcoholism this year.

I only have empathy for addicts. But you can't help someone that doesn't want help.

RIP

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 13:20

When I look back over my life I see several men who were lost to drink before they reached the age of 20, there was never any off ramps for them it was always going to end like that

Nat6999 · 13/12/2022 15:02

Andypandy799 I'm speaking from experience, I lost my partner to alcoholism, he would have ended up dragging me down with him, he lied, he stole, he cheated, I'm better off without him.

Andypandy799 · 14/12/2022 01:07

Nat6999 · 13/12/2022 15:02

Andypandy799 I'm speaking from experience, I lost my partner to alcoholism, he would have ended up dragging me down with him, he lied, he stole, he cheated, I'm better off without him.

Yes I read your replies. Did your exh have a mental breakdown after his career ended or suffer other trauma in his life?

pointythings · 19/12/2022 21:45

I am so sorry, OP. I've been where you are, except mine died 8 months after being made to leave the family home with police involvement, and the nisi came through 12 days after he died.

All I can say is look after yourself. Everything you are feeling is valid - the anger, the grief, the what-if - it is all part of your recovery from life with an alcoholic. Seek out bereavement counselling if you feel you are 'stuck' in the process. CRUSE are very good. Try not to feel guilty about not being there - that was his choice and his responsibility. Listen to what comes from your daughters and be there for them, and I hope they will also be there for you. Flowers

pointythings · 19/12/2022 21:49

@Andypandy799 I know a lot of alcohol misuse survivors and every single one of them agrees that when in active addiction, someone who has this disease is selfish, manipulative and deceitful. It's part of the disease. That doesn't make them a bad person, but it does make them impossible to live with and especially when there are children involved, the partner is better off leaving.

It is different when someone finds recovery, especially if they sustain it. My sister's partner is 12 years sober. But he too would say that when he was in active addiction, he put feeding his addiction ahead of everything else in his life and was not a good partner or a particularly good human being.

Original poster
1980sfookup · 20/12/2022 11:16

Thanks to everyone who has responded. Been just over a week now and things starting to settle.i went to see my ex in laws - don't know why - but it was nice to talk about the better times and there was no anger or resentment.

I still can't see that it's an illness tho!! For me it COULD have got better if he'd have just WANTED it to. Maybe I'm just looking for something/someone to blame. Bloody hate alcohol ATM. Not logical but hey.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2022 11:21

Only an addict can help themselves - there’s nothing you can do, so by definition you did everything you could

maranella · 20/12/2022 15:59

Have you ever been to Al Anon op? You might find it helps you to process what you went through and eventually make your peace with it. It's for the families and friends of alcoholics .

Original poster
1980sfookup · 20/12/2022 19:38

maranella · 20/12/2022 15:59

Have you ever been to Al Anon op? You might find it helps you to process what you went through and eventually make your peace with it. It's for the families and friends of alcoholics .

I haven't. I thought it was for substance users only.

OP posts:
pointythings · 20/12/2022 20:42

Al-Anon is for the relatives of people with an alcohol misuse problem. AA is for the users themselves. There's also SMART Friends and Family as the counterpart fo SMART recovery - SMART is secular and based on the principles of CBT and there is no higher power involved.

It may be worth trying either or both because your emotions are so entwined with your late exH's alcoholism that specialist support is required. If you haven't been where you and I have been, it's difficult to understand.

MichaelFabricantWig · 22/12/2022 10:02

Andypandy799 · 13/12/2022 04:08

Such a horrible thing to say about alcoholism. It’s a disease ffs. Speaking as a recovering alcohol use disorder survivor

Show quote history

It’s still true though. And not everyone believes in the disease model of alcoholism. It is an addiction but still the addict’s responsibility.

from a fellow (ex) alcohol addict

MichaelFabricantWig · 22/12/2022 10:03

HermioneWeasley · 20/12/2022 11:21

Only an addict can help themselves - there’s nothing you can do, so by definition you did everything you could

This

Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2022 10:07

DH father was an alcoholic. His GP said to MIL “he’s going under , the question is will you allow him to take you and the children with him?”
She didn’t and left him but never stopped loving him
You did the right thing OP for yourself and your DC and while it’s very sad your lives will be better without waiting for him to appear/die or whatever

pointythings · 22/12/2022 10:11

@Hoppinggreen I had similar from my late husband. When I finally found the strength to stand firm on his drinking, he said 'he hadn't hit his rock bottom yet'. So I told him that didn't matter, because I had and I wasn't about to let him drag me and the DC any further down.