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Alcohol support

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Original poster

My boyfriend drinks a lot and he is really nasty with me and constantly lies.

66 replies

Balletdancer123 · 24/07/2022 11:21

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I'm 50 he is 40, and we are in love but he drinks and he is really nasty with me verbally and mentally abuses me. He constantly lies about his drinking, he will say he hasn't had a drink even tho I can smell it, be can't handle the drink he says he realises he needs to stop but he isn't doing very much about it. He constantly accuses me of being with someone else, calls me horrible names and controls me. We live an hour apart, and eas hoping to be living together soon but he is getting worse, he is the most loving person ever when he's not drinking but the drink changes him. We fall out all the time and can go 2 weeks of not seeing him, but I love him and can't let go because of how loving ge is when he is sober. He is just getting worse, he has been to a couple meetings which I always say I will go but he starts with he horrible messages then I won't go witj him. I have tried supporting him and giving him an ultimatum, I just don't know what else I can do. His intentions of stopping drinking is there. We make arrang6for me to spend a weekend with him but I generally come home that same day because he has been drinking and will lie about it, if I confront him he can go mad, shouting screaming and throwing things around. Then he will twist it all on to me saying I don't see him enough.
I can't give up on him I really do love him.
I'm so frustrated and hurt and confused, he tells me that I don't want him, when in fact it fes like he doesn't want me, he knows he's doing wrong and will get really upset but a day ir 2 later it starts again.
How can I help in this, I don't know what to do, we would be so happy without the drink.
How do I help him, yes the easy thing to say is to get out now but I can't. I just wantbto help him but I don't know how to???

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 24/07/2022 12:07

Leave him, you can't fix him.

What have your previous relationships been like and those with male family members growing up? Are you a fixer? Are you worried you'll be alone as you get older?

There is no way that in my 50s I'd be entertaining any of this behaviour. Your 50s are for fun, any children are likely to be grown and you should be enjoying your free time whilst (hopefully) in good health not spending it with a drunk who doesn't care enough about you or himself to change.

HappyJoyousFree · 24/07/2022 12:36

You can't fix him but you can walk with him while he fixes himself if that's what you want to do but he needs to want to do it for himself. Recovery is a hard slog and it's a daily battle but it can be done.

Personally you need to look at your recovery in terms of the impact that his addiction has on you. As it's been suggested Al anon or na anon are fantastic, don't ever under estimate the power of sharing your experience and for someone else to say 'me too'.

Going to meetings with him may be enabling and he needs to want it. Usually meetings have a welcome person as a service position so he wouldn't be ignored etc if that's a concern and he needs to reach out to others and connect and identify. Would he do that with you there? You would also need to request it be an open meeting as meetings are spaces for addicts to share in a safe space without worrying about how what they say could impact a non addict. Theres a helpline that will put him in contact with people in the fellowship if he rang and they would meet him at a meeting but again he needs to do it himself for himself.

The hardest thing anyone can do for an addict who they care about is tough love but it's only when things are objectionable to us that we will change. People need to reach their bottom. It's a gift of desperation that we need to make steps forwards.

I'm not going to tell you to leave or stay but recovery has a ripple effect. Focus on yours and the impact this situation has on you and things will shift, maybe not in the way you expect or initially want but it will happen.

maranella · 24/07/2022 12:38

I can't believe someone who is 50 would still put up with this shit.

Just leave OP and in future have more self respect. Have you always allowed men to treat you so badly? If so, it's time to do something about that.

TugboatAnnie · 24/07/2022 13:27

How can you be that desperate to 'love' someone who doesn't give a shit about you? A few months in it should be amazing not rows, abuse, break ups etc. Why should he change when you are still taking him back every time? Get rid now and find someone worthy of you.

sleepymum50 · 24/07/2022 14:36

I was wondering if he is actually going to the meetings. You say you will go with him, but then he sends you such horrible messages that you don’t go. Perhaps he’s deliberately trying to put you off so you don’t realise he’s lying to you.

Octomore · 24/07/2022 14:41

Christ almighty, just dump the fucker already. You say you love him, but what on earth is there to love in a man who behaves like this?

Raise your standards.

Octomore · 24/07/2022 14:42

Christ almighty, just dump the fucker already. You say you love him, but what on earth is there to love in a man who behaves like this?

Raise your standards.

Redburnett · 24/07/2022 17:59

Splicebaked is right.

If you think you love this horrible man you need to work on your self esteem, you are worth better.

Original poster
Balletdancer123 · 24/07/2022 18:44

Yeh I know I have tried to get rid but he won't let me go. making me believe he is going to get better

OP posts:
Original poster
Balletdancer123 · 24/07/2022 18:45

I think he has made me fall for him now he has me where he wants me. I know I need to dump him

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 24/07/2022 18:47

What do you mean “he won’t let you go” - You’re not a prisoner - you barely know each other.

leave him. If he’s true to his word and gets sober and becomes a decent non abusive person, he can look you up.

please kick him to the curb. He will ruin your life.

Original poster
Balletdancer123 · 24/07/2022 18:48

He knows what he does to me and how much he hurts me, he promises the world but says he can't do this without me by his side.
I'm being stupid arnt I hoping that he will get better when in fact its just going to get worse

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 24/07/2022 18:49

He won't let you go?! Does the idea of that make you feel good, because it's not the truth. You are free to spend your time with who you choose as an adult, and if you choose an abusive addict, then life is going to be very hard.

He's not making you believe anything, you're choosing to believe it despite what he is repeatedly showing you.

One day you will be truly sick of his shit, and realise that another minute of your short and precious life wasted with him is a minute too long, and do something about that. Maybe you're not there yet.

Wanttobehappy111 · 24/07/2022 18:50

Yes it will. Please do not make mistake of moving in with him.
Keep your own life. This man won't change and he will only blame you for it and drag you down. Get out now whilst you can xx

Original poster
Balletdancer123 · 24/07/2022 18:57

My previous relationships have not been good, my self esteem is shot at, due to this.
He always promises he's going to stop but he make little effort, it's me who he wants to stop for he says things I want to hear. I know he has to do this fir himself and I'm just hanging about hoping that he will do this, when deep down I know there's little chance

OP posts:
Wanttobehappy111 · 24/07/2022 19:07

I know it's hard and you love him but if you have low self esteem he will only bring you down more. The short term will hurt but in the long term you will be better off.
I'm currently living with my alcoholic partner and have been with him for 8 years. I've had years of drunken abuse from him and now realising I'm better than this.
I wish you all the best, but I really hope you don't make the mistake I made, thinking he will change for you, because he won't.

bluegardenflowers · 24/07/2022 19:22

Not bothered to read the post, the title is damning enough. Stop being his girlfriend. You can't live life in anxiety, confusion and misery.

torquewench · 24/07/2022 19:29

What, exactly, is so lovable about this alcoholic that's making you consider moving in with him?

You will not fix him.

It will get worse. For you.

bloodyunicorns · 24/07/2022 19:32

Dump him.

It's not your job to fix him.

bloodyunicorns · 24/07/2022 19:42

This is your honeymoon period. He's meant to be on his best behaviour, trying to impress you.

But he is ABUSING you.

THIS WILL NEVER GET ANY BETTER.

Don't you think you deserve more? If this was your friend or dd in this relationship, what would you say to them??

Why are you staying?!

Run away, don't walk. Then do the Freedom Programme

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 24/07/2022 19:48

That’s quite the shit sandwich he’s offering you there isn’t it.

Nope. Absolutely no.

Wouldnt want my daughter being exposed to such a cunt. Would you?

Nowt you can do unless you’ve got a magic wand up your arse.
Block. Block BLOCK.

Bonbon21 · 24/07/2022 19:49

You are going to do whatever you want.... but if you continue this so-called relationship.. you are a mug.
He is never going to change for you... he will run, walk and crawl for drink...
Gather your pride and ditch him... it will never get any better...

OooPourUsACupLove · 24/07/2022 19:58

he can't do this without me by his side

So what? It's not an obligation on you to hang around and be abused just because he says he needs you.

What about what you need?

You need to be treated with respect. You need to feel safe. You need to not tread on eggshells for fear of upsetting him. You need to not feel it's your job to manage and cajole him to keep him functional. You need to not have it on you to protect a grown adult from the consequences their own actions.

Is he meeting those needs for you?

Did he, in seven months, do something so heroic and selfless for you that you now need to sacrifice your happiness in return?

leopardprintlindt · 24/07/2022 20:00

You are not a rehabilitation centre. And repeat.....

DuesToTheDirt · 24/07/2022 20:02

we are in love

Love? Seriously? Doesn't matter if he's an angel some of the time, the rest is a no-brainer. Dump him.

I know I have tried to get rid but he won't let me go

You can leave unilaterally, he doesn't have to agree to it.