My boyfriend drinks a lot and he is really nasty with me and constantly lies.

[Balletdancer123]

Hi all, I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I'm 50 he is 40, and we are in love but he drinks and he is really nasty with me verbally and mentally abuses me. He constantly lies about his drinking, he will say he hasn't had a drink even tho I can smell it, be can't handle the drink he says he realises he needs to stop but he isn't doing very much about it. He constantly accuses me of being with someone else, calls me horrible names and controls me. We live an hour apart, and eas hoping to be living together soon but he is getting worse, he is the most loving person ever when he's not drinking but the drink changes him. We fall out all the time and can go 2 weeks of not seeing him, but I love him and can't let go because of how loving ge is when he is sober. He is just getting worse, he has been to a couple meetings which I always say I will go but he starts with he horrible messages then I won't go witj him. I have tried supporting him and giving him an ultimatum, I just don't know what else I can do. His intentions of stopping drinking is there. We make arrang6for me to spend a weekend with him but I generally come home that same day because he has been drinking and will lie about it, if I confront him he can go mad, shouting screaming and throwing things around. Then he will twist it all on to me saying I don't see him enough.
I can't give up on him I really do love him.
I'm so frustrated and hurt and confused, he tells me that I don't want him, when in fact it fes like he doesn't want me, he knows he's doing wrong and will get really upset but a day ir 2 later it starts again.
How can I help in this, I don't know what to do, we would be so happy without the drink.
How do I help him, yes the easy thing to say is to get out now but I can't. I just wantbto help him but I don't know how to???

You can't help him. It's not your job to fix him. You've only been got her 7 months and you live an hour apart. Just end it.

If he can't make it through the first couple of months without being abusive imagine how awful he'll be in 5 years when you're living together and out of the honeymoon period.

You can't help him

But you can help yourself

Leave him this week

You can't.

If you are determined to stay with him, you need to contact Al Anon (not Alcoholics Anonymous)@Balletdancer123. They will be able to help you.

Good luck though, you're going to need it.

As others have said you can't help him. He needs to help himself.

If you can't leave him then resign yourself to years of unhappiness and frustration.

Didn't get past the first line. Literally nothing excuses that behaviour so I would just get rid to be honest. You'll feel terrible at first but the feeling of being alone is definitely NOT worse that being made to feel like your worthy of being treated poorly.

Also you can't help fix him, he can only fix himself and he needs to do this alone really as while you tolerate it there is no incentive to do it.

If he gets himself straight and then contacts you again then it's up to you what you do from there but personally I think you'll feel better / less trauma bonded after a gap and you won't want to entertain him.

Why are you prepared to settle for such an awful relationship!?!? I would assume that the abusive, alcoholic version is the true him, as you've seen so much of it in just 7 months. Why do you think that you deserve so little???

You say you cannot get out now, why not op.
You want him to stop drinking maybe he cannot do it now.
You don't want to change your life by learning him. He doesn't want to change his by stopping drinking. So nobody changes, nothing changes.

You're not in love, research Trauma Bonds, you know how this is going to end if you don't end it with him asap.

Sorry...leaving him

You can't help him. This is him and who he is, a nasty, abusive, violent alcoholic and only he can change that.

You say you've told him you'll go to meetings with him. Do you mean AA meetings? If so, again, this is his journey to take if he chooses to take it and it would be really inappropriate and unhealthy for you to attend AA with him. You could however attend Al anon

If you do choose to move in with him, please don't bring any kids with you

He is not someone you should be contemplating spending the rest of your life with. He won't change and you deserve better. Just leave him.

You’re not in love, you’ve known him seven months. You barely know him and what you do know of him is terrible. Get out now before you’re living together and trapped. Then get therapy to work out why this is what you think you deserve.

He has to hit rock bottom, have a bad scare and realise that he must change or he'll drink himself to death.
You can't do anything for him, he has to do it for himself. You can either stay and be hurt and abused and let him destroy your life too, or you can leave.
I left the father of my ds after I knew I couldn't trust him with ds, at home, in the car. I didn't want to break up the family but in the end, there was no choice.

Sorry, I know it's tough.

His behaviour whilst drunk is a real concern and there is no telling if he may get worse. You deserve more than that and leaving him would of course be the obvious choice!

If you are determined to stay/help him, you could give him one last shot at the ultimatum. Tell him you love the person he is when he doesn't drink but can no longer tolerate the person he is when he does.

Explain that it won't be easy and it will take work and commitment from his side but you want to support him through it as long as he is will to make the commitment. There is no quick fix.

I suggest finding an Alcoholic Anonymous group and even accompany him to the first couple of sessions (or more). I did this for my Dad then he started to go alone.

If he is unwilling to take these steps you need to follow through with the ultimatum. Who knows that be enough to kick start him into getting the help he needs.

You certainly shouldn't move in with him when he is like this and not until he can demonstrate he can control his drink and behaviour. You should also consider that you are meeting him somewhere you can't come to any harm.

Please leave!
I know its hard but you don't live together at the moment and it will be a mistake if you do. He won't change.
Please see my post and the predicament I am in with an alcoholic, I really wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Sending lots of hugs your way xx

Leave now. You are not living together so it is simple to do so.

Sorry OP, I know this isn't what you asked - but you do need to get out now.

Imagine if you move in together how bad it will become - and you'll have nowhere to escape to! You can't even stay a full weekend at the minute without him becoming abusive and you leaving.

If your best friend/sister/daughter/favourite person in the world came and told you they've been seeing someone for around half a year, are in love with them, but are concerned they have an alcohol problem that they aren't doing anything about, and when they have been drinking they get nasty, aggressive, abusive and mis-treat them & lie to them - what would you advise them? I'm guessing you'd tell them they deserve better and to get out before their partner seriously hurt or killed them.

As others have said, you're in the honeymoon period. What happens down the line when you're settled into the monotonous routine of an established relationship? It will get worse.

Do they behave like this with other people when drunk, or just you? If just you, the alcohol is an excuse to cover the fact they are a domestic abuser.

LTB.

You’re not a rehab centre.
look at Shark Cage and Freedom Programme.

I lived with a nasty drunk for 9 years. He was physically abusive as well as verbally and mentally abusive when drunk. Only to me though. To everyone else he was charm personified. When sober he was lovely to me.

The whole thing seriously messed me up and I still have nightmares about it nearly 30 years later. You need to get out or he will ruin your life.

Sorry I missed the bit about already offering to go to meetings and he doesn't seem to be committed to going. I really don't think there is anything else you can do, you've tried and it's hard to take but if he thought as much of you as you do of him you'd expect him to be at least trying.

He is abusive and you deserve better

Get rid of him now. He will ruin your life.

Honestly OP, it has only been seven months, you have lived without him for the rest of your 50 years. Get rid of him and then have some counselling to understand why you think you are worth so little.

Leave him.

Love is not a good enough reason to stay.

Love is not a contract that ties you to someone regardless of how they treat you.

You are not obliged to fix someone because you love them.

You are not obliged to put up with anything they subject you to because you love them.

You don't have to wait until you fall out of love to leave.

You can love someone and still walk away from them because they are hurting and reducing you, and containing to be with them will make your life - the only life you will get - miserable.

Every miserable hour with him is an hour you might have been happy that is now -poof- gone forever. You owe it to yourself not to let your remaining hours be wasted in misery as well.

You do not need a man to be happy. A man who makes you miserable is worse than letting yourself be single and happy.

He is like a horrid miserable toad squatting in the place a better person could be.

Leave him.