Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@solice84 so sorry for your experience, but I must correct you. It is an offence to be drunk whilst caring for a child, and both Courts and Childrens Services take it seriously. Evidence is needed, however, so if any readers find themselves discovering the alcoholic in their lives drunk in charge of a child, do not hesitate to call the police.

Do you have any more info on this? So far my husband has not actually given me cause for concern but I am really uncomfortable with how much he drinks around the children. He is very sneaky at hiding it though.

@StosbyNillsAndCash I didn't tell me DH about the talk I had with my kids. At that point, riling him would not have been a good idea and I'd long since realised any sort of rational discussion with an alcoholic was an impossible dream. My children weren't daft. They could see their father wasn't right and I think it helped them to understand why. I got hold of age appropriate information leaflets/online info so they'd realise they weren't alone.
As for custody issues, as @solice84's experience shows, make sure that if your DH drives drunk you phone the police, if he's abusive (emotionally or physically) call the police. You need evidence that your kids aren't safe in his sole care and I found the police to be very helpful and sympathetic, though it 'helped' that my D became aggressive with the officers when they arrived. If he tells you nobody will believe he's an alcoholic, don't believe him. My husband's colleagues and bosses were all well aware there was a problem. I just didn't know that until later.

@Userqrgtyd I'm sorry to hear he's had a heart attack. His drinking is clearly killing him but that isn't in your control. Squish any buzzing guilt with a fly swatter.

@StosbyNillsAndCash I’ve just checked and the law relates to being drunk in charge of a child in a public place. But alcohol misuse is a known risk factor for neglect and other forms of child abuse. Clearly a baby or small child is most at risk of being harmed, but if children arent being fed, or taken to school, witnessing inappropriate behaviour, parentified, drawn into battles, this is also emotionally abusive, and should be reported. If children are alone with a drinking parent, and you believe the parent is incapable through drink,or emotionally abusing or neglecting the children, it’s right to ask for a welfare check. If you know they aren’t being fed or are being emotionally or physically abused, go to court and explain your concerns. Report report report.I Think it’s really important to tell children that you are worried that the person drinks too much and that this might stop them providing good care. Tell them what to do if they dont get fed ,or see something inappropriate. Tell them what to do If the parent becomes unresponsive.
When this is your former partner, it is a question of overcoming years of minimising, covering up, making excuses. Often people have left because of the impact upon the children, but can then find that the children are more at risk because they are now in their sole care. And I also know people who have stayed in these relationships because they are so afraid of this. But all that crap about fighting for residence and no one will believe you is just the script. They all say that shit, very few can manage to sustain an impression of sobriety, when they are as deep in it as the people we’ve all tried to save.
My child was in an entangled and extremely dysfunctional relationship with her alcoholic parent. When we first started to talk frankly about the alcohol use, they were terrified and insisted that the parent was physically ill and bedridden and we needed to help. But as I got stronger, about not accepting abusive phone calls, not supplying alcohol, not forgiving lapses , so too did the child, and was eventually able to be open about how hellish life had been, and refuse further contact. Very sad, but the needs of the children take priority.
sorry this is so long. I have both personal and professional experience.

It gets very complicated
I found both the police and social services totally uninterested
My solicitor didn't seem to know her arse from her elbow in these matters either
The nursery refused to help me when he threatened to just come and take him if I tried to withhold access

@3dogs2cats thank you. I also have the fear of leaving them solely in his care. I wonder if he suspects this as he exploded at me the other day that he wants me to move out.

He has never obviously neglected the children and he is going to great lengths to hide how much he is drinking from me, so I think it's going to be difficult to prove anything. I am going to speak to the Nacoa helpline though and see if they can advise. I want him to have a good
relationship with the children, he loves them and he is a good dad.

@solice84 that sounds horrendous, yes I worry that they just wouldnt take me seriously

Breaking all the 'detach' rules here, I know.

I called my mother to ask: why are you drinking such a huge amount, why are you not eating, what does your alcohol counsellor say, why don't you use the resources available to you, why do you put Dad through this, why don't you show some care and love to your family, why have you chosen to turn into your father?

Her response, drunk already at midday: so what.

It is so obscene, ugly, anti-social, anti-human. It is pure fucking ugliness. There's nothing human or loving left there.

I find it extremely disturbing. That a person – my own mother?! – is this fucking creature with no heart, no love.

It genuinely frightens me. I feel like I'm staring into darkness. I wish it would end, and most likely you know exactly what I mean by that.

Am I being completely overdramatic? I'm not actually like this, generally. It just confuses me (understatement, somewhat).

I actually do very well at detaching, most of the time. I am happy, healthy, leading a good life. I also don't drink myself. I used to enjoy a few beers (never wine) but decided to quit earlier this year. It's done wonders for my confidence – it's been a real statement for me.

At the moment, it feels like the end game (although I also know that they can and do carry on for years). I feel I can't be silent now. It's partly for my own sanity. That if she dies soon, I won't have to feel guilty for not saying anything. I know that me calling will not make a shred of difference. She is too far gone. There is nothing anyone can say or do.

I'm sick of this.

@amlie8 I can understand why you would want to try, it's human nature and I can totally see why you would want to be able to say that you tried. In some ways it seems like alcoholism can rob you of the person before they're gone, and that's incredibly sad.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it seems like you're being incredibly brave facing up to everything that you're feeling.

@amlie8 your insight is profound and you've said all you need to say. I would just like to add one thing: You are not a bad person for wishing your mother would die. I wished my late husband dead many, many times. And when it happened, most of what I felt was relief. And that is perfectly fine. Addicts put us through the emotional wringer. We are only human. Suppressing our feelings, whatever they are, doesn't help us.

So sit with that rage you feel against her. It's only a part of a complex mix of emotions and none of them are bad, wrong or unacceptable.

When she does die, you will end up having to deal with complex bereavement. Be aware of that and seek help when you think you need it.

@amlie8 it is completely understandable to want answers. It is one of the most frustrating things about being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Mine died without ever explaining or apologising and I was so angry with him for a long time. But while all our emotions are valid and normal and I have felt them all -rage, grief, pity and intense relief when he died that the nightmare was over, I found that the anger ate me up and over the years I've tried to let it go. It might have taken less time if I'd had counselling.

Been a while since DH’s last binge but I can sense one coming. It builds up slowly until one big night, then lots of regret and grovelling, period of sobriety and then the creep starts again. I guess according to last time I posted it’s been 6 weeks.
Went for a half pint in the pub when he finished work, he met me there to help me carry back some shopping. I had half a pint and he had two. Before we even left he was talking about opening a bottle of wine when we got home. When I said I didn’t fancy it he suggested everything under the sun as an alternative. I said I just want water. I do like a drink but just didn’t want more than one today (I think it helped that I’d been for a run and was feeling healthy!)

Anyway. He’s had two beers, half a bottle of wine, a g&t and now can hear him clanking making something else. It’s not really the amount as even I could probably put that away on a weekend night but it’s the insistence on having another one even when I’ve said it’s enough. It’s drinking just enough that he won’t be able to get up for work tomorrow. And not coming to bed until ridiculous o’ clock so I don’t get enough sleep (I can’t sleep until he’s in bed with me). I just want the cycle to end. I know realistically he’s not just going to develop a healthy relationship with alcohol overnight. I guess that’s why I’m venting here instead of getting into another argument about it.

He’s out with an old school friend tomorrow so I just know tomorrow is the night and he’ll come home plastered. Fortunately I am also out tomorrow night, and have the house to myself on Saturday, so I won’t have to deal too much with the fallout.

@cranewife what is it that you want to happen?

Your husband won't change his relationship with alcohol unless and until he wants to, and it's unlikely that he will. Chances are he sees what he does as a perfectly normal thing that blokes do. To an extent it is, although it is unhealthy to binge like that - a lot of people have a similarly unhealthy relationship with drink.

So the question is whether this is what you want your life to be like permanently, or not. And only you can answer that one.

I posted here last Tuesday about my mother. I wrote that it felt like the end game. Well, it was. The very same day.

It was a very sad, and also shocking, way to go. I won't go into all the details as I have already messaged a very kind person on here. But the responses to me on Tuesday (and previously) were so helpful and I am really grateful to you all. Posting here has really made me feel less alone, and far more able to live with my feelings.

I feel immense relief that I am no longer so angry and stressed. All of that disappeared, almost instantly. I know I may feel that way again, but right now I don't. I feel no guilt, because we all tried so hard. My last message to her, on Tuesday, which I don't think she read, said that all would be forgiven if she would just try, and take the help offered. I meant that. We all so badly wanted her to change.

I'm starting to feel the deep sadness of a life destroyed. And I think that's right. I can see my dad is different already. He sees that he was thoroughly caught up in the madness too. We have talked so much. It was mostly drink, fuelled by family history and some personality flaws, and made worse by the effects of prescription drugs. It was a life of two halves. Once, she was a clever, pretty student and an energetic, happy mother of toddlers (who never had postnatal depression, I was surprised to learn).

I found some notes, written earlier this year, some addressed to me, in which she communicated with us. Admitted things. Showed understanding, even some consideration. She never did this in life, but it is very comforting that she did, occasionally, have flashes of care and connection. I think she was starting to understand the damage she had caused, and it was too much to bear.

Thanks to these notes and letters, I can talk to her now. I say 'Mum, all that fucking gloomy junk in the front room, it's going in the bin. We're hoovering, too. Making the place lighter and cleaner for Dad. Those awful collectibles? Bin! Don't care if you haunt us, you can piss off.' Makes me smile, actually. None of us ever lost our (horrible) sense of humour.

I think I'll go sit with her coffin next week, have a longer conversation. I finally understand everything. I am so lucky that many questions have been answered, and I know that not everyone has this comfort.

Love to all who understand.

Completely understand and am so glad for you that your anger and stress have gone. Obviously, life can throw us curveballs and I have had plenty of stressful times since my DH's death but NOTHING since has been as mental health shredding as living with his alcoholism. Those notes will make such a difference and help you so much as you move forward and rebuild your relationship with your dad. So happy for you that you have them to comfort you both. Much love. x

Gentle hug, @amlie8 .

You are a very wise woman@amlie8 . May you and your family find some peace now. Word of warning though. The rage may return, but it will pass again .💐
I'm not asking, cos I know it may be outing, but I will be wondering about the collectibles all day now. Currently favouring creepy dolls.

@amlie8 I'm so sorry about your Mum.

It sounds like you're finding a way through everything and I'm so glad that the notes you have found have given you comfort.

Be gentle with yourself.

@amlie8 so sorry
Mine died 1 week after I gave birth , we had been nc for at least a year at this point.
I felt pretty sad for the relationship we never had and people expected me crumble once it had all soaked in but honestly almost 5 years later it's never really hit me.
I'd wished her dead and then it happened but our relationship had been dead for decades already .

Just joining this thread - reading from the start - if a new thread is created please tag me. I've needed this thread for a few months and don't want to lose it

Welcome, @frankiefirstyear . I'm keeping an eye on this thread and will create a new one when we hit page 39. My last post will contain a link to the new thread, and the first post on the new thread will contain a link back to the old one. I'm determined to continue the good work our little community here is doing!

Meanwhile please do quietly read your way through and post if and when you need to and are ready.

I’m so sorry @amlie8

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am ok, we are ok. It's hard but it isn't unbearable.

I read a few forums on this topic. I had always avoided the posts which described how alcoholics died. I'm reading those now, and honestly, I think I am thankful that her ending was so swift. I hate that my dad had to endure around 10 minutes of pure horror, between finding her and the ambulance crew pronouncing her dead. But when I learn what can and does happen, I think things could have been far worse for him. His daily life had already become intolerable. Now I'm pretty sure she also had pancreatitis. If she hadn't done what she did, I think the next few months would have been seriously bad.

One of the last things I said to her, on the day she died, was that love is a verb. That she couldn't just 'say' she loved dad, because that was meaningless without action to show it. Well, I guess she took action, and spared him from what could have been. I know a lot of people would feel guilty about this. I really don't. If my dad had been the last person to challenge her, I think he would feel a lot of guilt. I'm glad it's me carrying that. I know I would struggle immensely if I had seen what he saw that evening. So we share the load.

Talking to my partner is helpful because he always saw her with a kindness that my dad and I couldn't find (obviously because we were suffering more). I like that, and it's good to hear his perspective. I don't feel much sympathy for her yet but I want to and I think I will, eventually. Again, reading the accounts of others is helpful. My mother wasn't evil or intrinsically bad. There are so many stories of kind, busy, active people becoming utterly unrecognisable. I also saw a quote from an anorexic woman, she wrote that as much as she loved her family, her obsession with food was so much stronger.

I am really proud of how I've acted in the last two weeks. Ten years ago, I was pretty unhappy about my lack of social sense, emotional intelligence, clumsiness etc. I hadn't learned those things from her, and I had to find out the hard way. I put a lot of work into becoming kinder, wiser and more attuned. Since she died, my dad has handled admin and I've handled family. And I know I've been kind and gentle with people even the ones who do my head in. I've become my own person, I've come out from her shadow. And I'm so glad I stopped drinking a few months ago. I think I can never touch it again.

For the poster who asked, I'm sorry to say that the collectibles are not creepy dolls! Far more boring than that.

Thought I was done, but clearly not.

I know I wrote the other week that I wished it would end. Again, no guilt. It really was that hard. Reading my own words back, I remember that anger, confusion and desperation. Thank god I am now free from that. I hated feeling that way.

But I'm surprised to see I wrote that I felt another suicide attempt was coming. I forgot about that. So I felt it, I knew it, and it's reassuring that I can trust my intuition. Again, that's something I lacked for a long time.

Me, I. The rest of us were so small in the face of her addiction, and it was never about us. It is now.

So grateful to be able to think and write all of this out. I wrote our statement for the coroner last week, and also drafted her eulogy (balanced, honest). Both were easy to write, because we can now see things clearly.

Much love, all. Thank you. To anyone else, I would say read these forums (and others), write your own post and feel the comfort of being understood.