Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Thank you, that's really helpful to hear. I am thinking a lot about the practicalities of leaving and how to minimise the impact of us splitting up on the kids. I don't feel like it's a definite decision but just that increasingly it seems like it will be the right thing to do, once I've got myself ready to go through with it. I feel like I'm already grieving for what we've lost but that it's just not fixable.

@Superwomble I would strongly suggest you get some real life support - not from Al-Anon, but you could try SMART Family&Friends, or you could contact local council organisations to find out if there are any independent groups running in your area.They do exist - I run one.

Apart from that, thinking things through and taking your time are all sensible actions. Allowing yourself to grieve for what you are losing is also healthy. Keep posting on this thread (I will put up a follow-up when we are nearly full!) and use it as a journal and a way of bouncing your thoughts off others who are or have been where you are now.

The main thing is that you now know you are not alone.

@superwomble I'm in a very similar position and after months of trying, deliberating and counting bottles I've made the very hard decision to split. There was a very painful grieving process for a whole but now I feel a lot more comfortable with my decision.

I tried Al Anon but I did find their "tough it out and detatch" (I'm paraphrasing, that's not how they see it) quite difficult as I think I wanted someone to give me permission to leave.

@Superwomble My situation is very different (no children), but what I would say is that the impossible becomes possible in reality, and you will find ways to work around the practical things when you have to. Remember probably he does very little practical in your world now. Good luck! 🌷

Hope everyone is taking care of themselves, it has been quiet here.
Im feeling sad today, I haven’t seen my ex for 3 months now but in the meantime there were some messages. Confusing ones. With him telling me how much i meant to him, how much he felt with me and that he loves me. That he is sorry his problems damaged our relationship. Followed by weeks of silence again.
I found myself checking his profile on fb daily, hoping to see something positive. Or hoping to get a message that he’s addressing his issues and things are getting better. Not very healthy, i know.
All of this has been messing with my head because none of it makes sense. I cannot wrap my head around how he can say he loves me and is sorry but then go quiet for weeks. I am obviously attached to this dynamics and it’s not good for me, it occupies too much headspace and stops me from moving forward and fully detaching. So i have blocked him everywhere yesterday, after seeing some pics with him out and drinking as per usual, with a pint in his hand. There is no change. There never will be any change. Totally irrational but i feel like i’ve failed though i know i never had any power to change things.
I need to sit with my feelings and let them wear off. Im trying to continue taking care of myself, i have quit smoking (still on patches but it’s week 3 with only one slip in that time) and exercising. It is helping to restore peace and calm inside.

Hello @BumblebeeAndPoppy well done on being so strong, I know how hard it is to stay out of contact and block everything, I'm almost 6 months in, and everyday I still find myself mentally composing messages to him. To be honest it is only that my support network would be so horrified that I don't. Now at least those thoughts pass quicker, and I am begining to think about the future with snippets of hope.
One thing I have found very helpful was reading about trauma bonds. That explained to me why I still feel so much for my husband despite the awful times. There are some quite intersesting facebook groups on the topic that you might explore (as with all Social Media, take some of it with a pinch of salt)
Hang in there you are doing great x

Hey @Userqrgtyd , good to hear from you. I definitely will be looking into trauma bonds, hopefully it will help me understand myself better. Well done to you for making it to 6 months, i know what you are saying re support network. I told my sister and a few friends and they would be appalled that i still give this person my headspace and look him up every day. That kind of helps to draw a line and realise it’s done, no way back just forward.

Hi @BumblebeeAndPoppy that sounds really hard but also like you're facing it and sitting with it. Well done on taking care of yourself. Do you have friends and other support?

@BumblebeeAndPoppy it's not at all strange to be giving headspace to someone you have loved and who is in addiction. It doesn't take 6 months. I think it took me 2 years, and actually it is only this year that I would say I'm properly recovered from it all - that's 6 years (today is the 6th anniversary of the day I got the call from the police telling me he had died). When you have loved deeply and for a long time, it is not at all odd that grieving and restoration take time, so please don't beat yourself up about how you feel - any of you.

@StosbyNillsAndCash i do have a few friends who support me fully and have always said i am wasting my time with this guy. They were right.
@pointythings hope you had a good day yesterday, after 6 years does it still affect you in a way? Hope you are ok.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy I would say that I am 98% OK. There are still times when it gets me, but it's mostly about the sad waste of what could have been a good life. Anniversaries are always bad - I have several spread out across the year. The worst is December 28th, which is the anniversary of the day he threatened to kill me and I had the police take him away. I don't think that will ever be a good day, but it does get better - last year I spent it with a house full of post-Christmas revellers and the memory was only there for a few moments when I was alone doing dishes.

@pointythings Wishing you well on your anniversaries. Your wisdom, experience and advice has been really helpful to me. A thank you ❤️

There is so much wisdom in your words on this thread @pointythings . It was a waste of a potentially good life but there’s also something beautiful that has grown from it all. It’s your strength and wisdom which you now use to help others on here and in rl. And you are making a difference. That is something worth reminding yourself about on those bad days.

It wasn't me who started this thread, it was @fedup078 , but I will absolutely continue it. Both here and in rl I feel I owe it to me fellow travellers, wherever they are on the journey if life with and without an alcoholic. Thanks for the kind words, you've made my day.

Morning. Things have been ok here. A couple of slips, but back on track with a developing realisation that slips are not naughty-but-nice treats but potentially catastrophic. Its no easy road. The underlying depression and anxiety are having a field day as the usual coping mechanism was having a drink. Better sleep and more productivity are helping. One day at a time...

Thanks for all the support @pointythings
I've been back on the thread a few times but I've had a few names changes
Not much has changed for me
Ex has stopped paying child support but I don't really need his money it's just the principle that pisses me off

Hi all, i have been reading through this thread from the start since Monday. I am in no way as articulate as some of those like @pointythings or @CharlotteByrde but i am mostly on the other side. S i thought i'd share. I finally split with my ExH 2.5 years ago. The final straw after a 10 year marriage was him being so drunk with our kids while i was trying to get my father into hospital abroad that i had to come home early and my father dying the next day. Any real love i had for my husband died that day with my father and it still makes me cry now typing it. The reason i found this thread and plunged myself back in to the past was because he's pretty close to dying. Two long term hospital stays in the last year, DNRs, phsycotic episodes, decompensated liver and months of recovery only to leave and start drinking again. His family are being really put through it trying to help him and getting nowhere and its sad to watch. I feel like i am waiting for the phonecall daily now. He has no relationship with our children. I tried so very hard to "make him better" for years, my life was completely about trying to make him happy so that he would stay sober, constant searches for bottles, whether his shoes were wet on the bottom and placing keys at an angle to see if he had gone to buy more while i was out. At his worst he was drinking 5 bottles of wine a day and in the last year together he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance a number of times. No-one reallly knew the extent of it and how awful it was (not even me really on reflection as i was so deep in it), until he was taken by the police for threatening to kill me. At that point i felt lighter and relieved and calm. Those feelings were followed by anxiety and guily once the adrenalinhad worn off and that lasted around 6 months i was consumed with questions - had i done the right thing? Would we lose our home? Will the kids chose to live with him? Will he turn up?. After that i broke down a bit. I had some therapy and it helped to focus on me, my issues, why i stayed so long, why i was with a man like him in the first place etc and of course to help me finally grieve my father. Its a long road for the person who is affected and it doesn't end with leaving them BUT every single time that i feel like life is hard i say to myself it's not as bad as still living with an alcolohic. I found keeping a diary the best source of therapy. I still do it almost daily and it's no longer about him and those 10 years but its a good habit to release any stresses or feelings to help make sense of things. In the end i couldn't risk one of my kids going down the same path and i could no longer conitune to affect their childhoods with them having to be good, be quiet, not have friends over, step over a drunk Dad, or be out of the house all of the time. Everyone has their own point at which they are ready to leave but i strongly second what a previous poster said in that what feels insurmountable in terms of leaving is completely achieveable when you actually do it and like me, you will not regret it in the long run.

Oh my word @MincedMalbec , that is just awful, so glad that even at the worst time , you found the strength to say no more. You are all of you so very brave.

I haven't been on for a while, at least it feels like a while.

I've split up with my husband. We are still living together which is awful. was having serious doubts at one point but I'm now certain that it's the right decision. Part of that is that his behaviour towards me has been verging on abusive. I'm feeling really low at the moment but that is because of the situation, not the loss of the relationship. I don't think I've really processed the relationship yet, I'm just living day to day.

@MincedMalbec your story feels very much like mine - I hit my breaking point because he had promised me no more secret drinking and I found empties hidden in our bedroom. That sounds like a small thing, but after almost 7 years of hanging on and keeping things going, it was the proverbial straw.

I ended up exactly where you are now, waiting for that phone call, which is why I'm posting in response to you. I just want you to know the two key things that maintained my sanity:

1. Whatever you feel now is valid. Wanting the phone call to happen because then it will be over doesn't make you a bad person. Feeling that sense of 'Oh no, not again' when you get more bad news is not a bad reaction. Wanting to walk away and ignore it all is completely valid.
2. When he dies (and it does sound as if it is when and not if), feeling relief is OK. Accept it. Take on your new life without him. Grieving and processing will come in time.

@MincedMalbec your story is very similar to mine. You have absolutely done the right thing, for your own sake and your children's. When he dies, counselling for the children might be a wise move. Although their relationship with their dad has been destroyed by his drinking, and he is entirely responsible for that, your children may, like mine, be weighed down by feelings of regret, loss, anger and guilt that are hard for them to deal with alone.

@StosbyNillsAndCash I wanted to address your post separately because I have also been where you are. As soon as I decided to divorce, my late husband started behaving worse and worse, and drinking more and more. At this point all you can do is keep the divorce process moving and cope one day at a time - but if his behaviour does tip over into abuse, do not hesitate to involve the police. You can get an occupation order against him, which means he will have to leave the family home if he crosses that line. And if that happens, just do it. I did. Zero regrets. My kids started laughing again, playing again and singing in the shower again the day after he was made to leave. Yours will also feel the difference.

And agree with @pointythings. It is completely normal to feel relief.

@StosbyNillsAndCash definitely call police as soon as he gets abusive.It is so hard but hopefully you will be free of him soon. Stay strong. Thinking of you. Keep posting here x

My ex also became worse when he knew I was serious and wanted him to leave
Knowing the house wouldn't be his much longer he sprayed red wine across the kitchen wall one night 🙄