Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Thanks guys. That’s good advice with the kids. I’ve not ever decided what to do when the time comes but I will tread carefully when it does with them and myself and I am reconciling those feelings of knowing there will be relief and sadness when it happens.

I agree with those above regarding keeping going @StosbyNillsAndCash it’s worth it and if it does ever make you feel unsafe then call the police. They were amazing with me. Infact it was that first interview with me that took a few hours when he was taken away that made me realise exactly what I’d been living with. You will be helped and looked after. I ended up with a non molestation order and it was scary to do it but it gave me some peace that it was in place. He did turn up a few times but they dealt with him and sorted it. I’ve never managed to maintain any friendship with my ex as it was either an excuse to drink because I wouldn’t respond or an excuse to drink because we were getting along (all by phone) and he missed us and couldn’t handle it. Either way it always ends with more drinking and more destruction.

Thank you all.

It's emotional rather than physical but it's been quite rough recently. He's still drinking but I've stopped counting how much, I'm done. I just feel quite empty this evening. He's been trying to make out that I'm mentally unable to cope with the kids so I'm constantly on eggshells. It's exhausting. I think it's going to be a long slog but already I have moments where I feel so free.

It's amazing how similar these situations pan out
Mine also told me I wouldn't be able to cope as a single parent, threatened to tell everyone I was crazy if I challenged him having dc 50/50. My mental health was bad due to him and his constant shite and gaslighting .

Many of our stories sound so similar. My husband was angry and controlling and the alcohol exacerbated that. He criticised so much I did, and when I pushed back he would walk (stagger) around the house saying ‘I’m going to find something to smash’. I’m not proud of my responses to him, I shouted and screamed so much, and I did push back when he got physical. He was also fascinated with knives, air guns and replica guns. When finally I called the police the bedroom was scattered with weapons and empty bottles. Anyway to echo others call the police…..they took me seriously, there was a wobble when he was released from bail and came back, but that resulted in me getting the occupation and non molestation orders with no push back, and the police continued with the case.

it was horrific, my friends and family were horrified and it is that support that is keeping me strong. It’s almost 6 months along. A chance comment from a relative of his (who I am on good terms with) wobbled my resolve to stay non contact. The brain is very good at loosing the bad and making me think what if, so I appreciate this place to write down the bad to remind me. So I’m staying firm.

I fear the call that could come saying he is dead/out of control, but that is his life not mine.

hugs to all. X

Me again.

Ahh. I woke up bloody miserable yesterday. Knew something was coming. Spoke to my dad in the evening, things are really not good. My mother has stopped eating. She's already emaciated. Does nothing except drink and take co-codamol. Spends most of the day passed out. I strongly feel another (serious) suicide attempt is on the cards.

I haven't spoken to her. I rarely do these days, to protect myself.

Now I know, I can't fix or control this. But I genuinely don't know – should I be pushing for (medical?) help for her? What's supposed to happen? She has previously been on thiamine, so is that something that should happen again?

I literally need people here to tell me what to do. I know that the alcoholic has to make their choice to stop. But is she now so beyond fucked that she can't? Can anything even be done? What are families supposed to do, in the face of what seems to be the end stage? Do I call her GP? But they wouldn't talk to me anyway, would they? Or social services? But what would they do?

Should my dad rinse his savings to put her into private rehab? She wanted this a few months ago but her alcohol counsellor warned her off it, said not a spa holiday, really tough place to be etc. She has also had two rounds of it previously, which came to nothing.

This is at the point where I'm worrying that there is in fact 'something' we are supposed to be doing and that we'll have to live with horrific guilt for not doing it.

Any help much appreciated.

Does she want to go to the GP and talk about taking thiamine again? Does she want to discuss home detox? It has to come from her. If she does, your dad can support with transport and so on. I agree no rehab, she has to consistently push for that and even then, paying for it from savings is a massive gamble. But a GP visit is the first option, also with a push for a MH referral due to suicide risk.

All you can and should do is support your dad.

@amlie8 I honestly don't know what the answer is
I asked my mother's doctor for help and was just told if she wasn't actively threatening suicide then there's no intervention
Perhaps though as a last ditch attempt , write a detailed letter and send it to the doctors and social services or any other authorities who would deal with this asking for any help or intervention .

@pointythings as always, thank you. I think I will text or briefly phone her, make the suggestions you have mentioned, and leave it there. I think we both know that this is for me, really.

@solice84 thank you, and I'm sorry you can relate. I do think about doing that. In two minds, as the answer will always be 'she has to want to'. I am sure that she lies to the GP anyway.

Sometimes I think I am in some kind of dream. I am happy, with a good life. The insanity and chaos of addiction – surely that's not really part of my life? It sounds like someone else's life. I have a wretched, spluttering, emaciated Gollum figure for a mother, who tried to kill herself in the most pathetic way? Me? I have that? It can't be so.

Either my brain has done good work protecting me, or this is just what happens when you keep things secret.

God, I'm tired of this. I have other things to worry about.

@amlie8 So sorry to hear your update - it is so hard. I have nothing to add from the advice of others, but want you to know you are heard, and it is not a normal life. I found myself recalling something with my therapist last night that sounded horrific, but I had normalised so much as just something I had experienced. If you can find people you can talk to about this in real life it will help set your compass.

I haven't posted for a while but I'm separated from my husband and we are still living together in the house with the two kids.

I think he would like me to move out as the split is what I want but I do not want to because of the kids.

He is still drinking and seems to have drunk a lot tonight. I am increasingly struggling with the fact that he is drinking around the kids.
One of the kids is poorly tonight and he is trying to comfort them and he just seems so redfaced and sleepy, I'm absolutely disgusted with him. I don't really want to leave them alone with him.

My eldest keeps asking why I want to break up with daddy and I can't answer the question. I don't know whether they notice the drinking or smell it on him.

How old are your kids? I would be very surprised if they can't smell the booze on him, but they may well believe this is how daddies normally smell because they don't know any different.

The important thing is to ensure they know the breakup isn't because of them. The classic line is that mummy and daddy can't be together but that you both still love them. As they get older, age appropriate explanations of alcohol addiction can be provided.

11 and 5. I've told them that it is not to do with them. STBXH has told the older one that he doesn't know why I want the break up 🙄

The 11 year old is absolutely old enough to know about their dad's drinking and its impact on you all. Have a look at this link: https://nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-children/ for specialist advice to children that is appropriate for your 11 year old.

Thank you, I hadn't thought to try Nacoa, that website it really good (and sad!).

You're welcome. Your eldest is at an age where they have a right to know. You are leaving because staying puts them at risk of addiction themselves. I hope you find a way to use the NACOA website to have an age appropriate discussion.

@pointythings do you think I should tell them? I'm starting to feel like it's a dirty secret. They've never mentioned it and they do talk to me. I really want the kids to have a good relationship with their dad. I also think he'd be absolutely enraged if I told them 😞

I think given that your oldest is being indoctrinated by their father to put the blame on you for the breakup, it's time to say something. You can be neutral, but you do need to make the point that there is a reason why you are ending the marriage, that none of it is their fault and that you both still love the children. You can keep it as simple as saying that sometimes daddy behaves in ways that make you unhappy and that means you can't stay married any more. It's worth doing a bit of reading around how you tell children about divorce and then planning a strategy.

Absolutely you need to explain the situation to your 11 year old. It's the fair thing to do, as even if they don't understand completely, there will be an uncomfortable and constant awareness that their father's behaviour isn't 'normal'. Secrets like this aren't good for children/young teens. Honesty is far healthier. I told mine that their dad was addicted to alcohol and it had affected his thinking and behaviour very much, to the extent we needed to live apart until he got better.

Ooof, just got a message today through my lawyers that my alcoholic (STBX) husband had a heart attack and is in hospital. I have been totally non contact with him for 6 months exactly. Need some hugs and wise words today. 🌻

@CharlotteByrde how did they react and what was your husbands reaction?

I'm worried that my husband will get very angry and we're all still living together. He's hinted that he wants to fight me for custody of the children and has started to try and emotionally bully me.

@Userqrgtyd I'm so sorry, make sure you're kind to yourself today and take it easy as you can 💐

Custody doesn't exist - it's residency. He will have contact and there is a move towards 50/50, but do you see him managing that? He will have to pay for everything they need when they are with him. Less money for booze.

In terms of his behaviour - keep any aggressive texts, chats etc. And if he puts you in fear, you call the police.

@Userqrgtyd I am so sorry, that is very tough.

But.

Alcohol causes heart disease. It hardens the vessels in the heart. That's what killed my late husband. This heart attack is a direct consequence of the choices he made. Put away any guilt that tries to creep in.

This is my story about child custody , people are so quick to say 'ltb' when addiction is involved but technically it's not against the law to get drunk around your child , especially in your own house and when the alcoholic isn't abusive in the traditional sense .

Found exh absolutely hammered with our 11 mo baby early doors. He must have started drinking around 7am if not earlier

Unfortunately I didn't get evidence, I was in shock. Asked him to move out

He demanded 50/50 , threatened to tell everyone I was a nut job and he'd go for 100% if I didn't agree.

At the time he had a good job in education and told me no one would believe he was an alcoholic

We did 50/50 for a while even though really ds was far too young for 50/50 anyway but I felt I had no choice

Since then though he has lost his driving license and job / career through drink

He STILL told me ds should live with him and go to school where he lived blah blah blah. Told me the judge would 'put me back on my box' if I took him to court

We had one session of mediation and i think the mediator asking him why he lost his license and job made him realise how ridiculous he was going to look in court , at this point I was fully prepared to spend the thousands to take him there .

He now only sees ds once every few weeks for 1 day. Ds doesn't like going to him and I think eventually will make his own choice not to go.