Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@amlie8 your point about love being something you do really resonates with me. I think it's the reason why I am probably never going to completely forgive my late husband. Whilst I have reached some sort of mental equilibrium and am capable of remembering the man he used to be before the drink got hold of him, I can't forgive the way he utterly failed to love not just me but more importantly, his children. The selfishness of the addiction made him behave in ways that were abusive in so many ways - and because abuse often comes with a conspiracy of silence, I didn't find out until my DC started talking about it about 6 months after his death when they felt it was safe to do so.

He didn't love any of us. He wasn't capable of it.

Thank you for crystallising something I've been struggling to articulate.

@amlie8 , thank you so much for writing these posts. They are so thought provoking and honest.I think you are testament to the notion that sometimes self knowledge and spiritual growth occur in really unpromising conditions.

@pointythings It's a hard one, isn't it? That must have been so upsetting for you, that they felt they couldn't talk for so long.

I think my mother was very good with us when we were tiny – at least we got a healthy, normal start. But I wonder if she struggled when we started to have more complex emotional needs, and the thrill and attention of having two pretty babies wore off. I don't remember feeling really loved by her. I remember her wanting me out of her way (to drink, earlier than anyone knew?) and also ridiculing me at times. When I was 16 and needed help with something, I realised that my dad was actually very kind, and he became 'my person'. Thank god your children had you. And again, thank you for all the love and care you give here, and in the real world. You love by doing. I didn't get that for a long time.

@3dogs2cats Thank you. Probably am going on a bit but I used to feel like I wasn't allowed to talk. Reckon we all know that feeling. I couldn't really grow up until I went low/no contact with her. That's also when my life started to become active, joyful etc. Now I can see my dad changing. His voice sounds younger, happier, already.

Thank you everyone, you all sharing your experiences of this crazy world are more helpful to me than you can imagine x

As I've said before, I made an active decision to leave the anger behind because it was only hurting me. As for forgiveness, he is dead so can't care either way. He has permanently changed me and damaged our kids, but I know the man he was before would have been devastated by that and accept that his addiction damaged his thought processes.

Hi everyone.

I'm feeling so so sad tonight. It's like grief. My husband and I were together a long time, and I had a lot of old letters and cards that he had sent me. Shortly after he found out that I was actually serious about divorce he secretly went through my stuff and took all of those letters and cards. I probably would have kept them somewhere even after the divorce if he hadn't done that. I know I'm leaving him but I feel quite heartbroken that he's done that. I feel like I'd still like to hold onto the way we were years ago and now he's taken that away. I mean, he hasn't really taken away the memories, but there's history there that I would have liked to hold onto. I imagine he wanted to hurt me like I've hurt him.

There's not a lot I can do about it, and it feels almost silly to be sad about it when I chose to end things, but I'm letting myself feel sad tonight.

I feel so sad about everything that has been and everything that might have been. Our little family that is never going to be the way it should have been. I'm so angry at alcohol.

Oh, I understand the feelings totally and empathise. Hugs and keep strong. Maybe try writing out your feelings and tell him (without sending it off course) how it makes you feel. X

I totally understand how you feel, @StosbyNillsAndCash . It's a horribly mean spirited thing to do, and it really brings it home how alcohol changes someone. I found my late husband's rehab file after he died (they got to take it home) and in it, he blamed me for everything, right up to the moment of discharge. All the hope I had for his recovery was proven false, he never intended to stop drinking. My DC1 told me to stop reading and we shredded the damn thing.

Just remember that the man you married was real and it was alcohol that changed him, not anything you did.

@StosbyNillsAndCash it is not your fault that your family won’t be the way it should/could have been. Some things are outside of our control and we have to make peace with that, accept the change and find the best way forward from situation we’re in. Take your time to be sad and grieve and move on when you’re ready.

That's hard, @StosbyNillsAndCash. It feels like grief because it is grief. Having a relationship with an alcoholic is a bit like living with a relative with dementia. You grieve for your loss before they die, because you've already lost the person you knew and loved.

@pointythings I wouldn't give that document any headspace at all. Your DH might have been in a rehab centre but he clearly wasn't in recovery at all and was just telling the lies that alcoholics tell themselves and others. And I expect you'd already heard it all before from his lying mouth. I know I got the blame right up until he died, because otherwise he'd have had to look himself in the mirror and that must have been unbearable, given the pitiful state of him.

The last few posts show how vicious and vindictive alcoholics can be.

I read a lot of stories online, searching for experiences like mine. Most of them seem to describe 'wonderful' mothers who were full of love and cared so deeply about their children and how painfully missed they are. Sounds nice, can't relate!

I know I should not be bitter towards people who have suffered the same thing as me. But when I was young, my mother was distant, self-centred, even belittling towards me at times. I clung to her and she shook me off. More recently, completely uninterested in my life, and blaming me for her problems. I have virtually no good memories of her.

I now believe she was probably drinking heavily since we were around five, once we had started school, and she had the day to herself. Now I see how much I wanted her attention. As a teenager, I refused to go to school. I wanted to be at home with her. So every morning was shouting and yelling. If I got my wish and stayed home, I would be ignored by her all day.

I think it's incredible that I'm mostly ok as an adult, although unsurprisingly I have very few friends. I've always thought that people (other women) won't like me, and have never known the correct balance – how to ask things of others, without being needy. Thankfully, relationships have always been ok. I knew that men could be trusted. Maybe this will change for me, in time, now she has died? I would love to be older and have solid female friendships. I do now trust my aunts and am learning how to be close to them.

Funeral next week. I don't want to do it. She didn't want one anyway. But my dad decided we must. It'll only be simple but I still hate the idea that we must put on a performance for people who showed no interest in the situation until two weeks ago. No wake, thankfully. We think it would be inappropriate, and also too much of a burden on us. Everything is hard enough as it is.

I guess I'm in the angry phase now.

@amlie8 funerals are for the living, and your dad needs one. This is tough for you, but it's part of his grieving process. I do get where you are coming from - we did have the performance, and at that stage me and the DC were fully going along with it, probably without even being aware of it. DC hadn't disclosed his abusive behaviour at that point, that came 6 months later when we were all feeling safe. In a way I'm glad we did carry out the performance because it helped us maintain ties with the wider family that have helped us when things got tough later on - silver linings. I hope you find some too.

Your anger is cleansing, let it do its thing. And for what it's worth, I think you and I would be great friends in RL, not because of our shared experience but because we share a thoughtful and rational outlook on the world but manage to retain our compassion. We have much in common and I deeply value your wisdom on this thread - I hope you will be able to stay and pass on what you have learned to those who come after when we move to thread 2.

@pointythings how generous and lovely of you. That's really moved me. I didn't know I had anything to offer on this until a couple of weeks ago. Already a change. Love and thanks to all – this thread has helped me so much. Yes, I want to help and pay it back.

Hello, so to add to the list of my alcoholic's woes he has now been charged with drink driving. The speed with which his life has disintegrated after I stopped supporting him, and trying to make it work, has been shocking, and does upset me. But I am doing OK, and although this was a shock, it was also to some extent a relief that his lies and deceptions were not accepted by the police.
Alcoholism is such a cruel thing, deep in my heart I wish it had not happened, but I don't actually think there is any point in our 12 year relationship that I can go back to and say if I had done something different it would have been ok. But I do miss him still.
(I originally wrote the scentence before with we in it, but the truth is he could have done something differently at so many points)
Onwards x

@Userqrgtyd totally understand the relief
Although it's terrible that my exh lost his licence and career after we split it did mean anyone who didn't believe he had an issue could hardly argue after that . After he told me he'd tell everyone I was crazy and none would believe he had a drink problem .
I think they threw the book at mine as he got the highest sentence you can get without killing someone . People have told me it's probably because he tried to deceive the police and the courts as they hand out bigger fines and bans if they try to piss them about .

@Userqrgtyd @fedup078 it must be a relief to no longer be caught up in the madness that is life with an alcoholic. I understand the sadness too for the life you had or person they were before alcoholism took hold. Take it from me @Userqrgtyd there is nothing you could have done differently that would have made a bit of difference. I have tried everything, believe me! I am back in the middle of another of my DH's relapses. He's only got a minimum wage job as alcoholism lost him his proper job but I think he'll lose this one before the week is over. I feel like I have this whole secret home life which no-one at work has a clue about. A few friends know but there are plenty who don't (although they may well guess if they see him out going to buy vodka looking like a tramp and clearly off his head.

@Userqrgtyd I'm seeing a lot of healthy detachment here, well done! It's a shame that he has been so stupid, but it's his circus, his monkeys.

@Anjelika the relief and freedom of life without an alcoholic in it is indeed amazing. Are you making any progress towards detaching from yours?

@pointythings not really. The sad thing is I did start divorce proceedings about 8 years ago but pulled back when he sobered up and promised the moon. My eldest will be going to uni this time next year so my plan is to get things into place for then. I don’t want to mess up his A levels with all the upheaval. My younger DC don’t feel the same and see their father as a big embarrassment. I need to get work done on the house as it will need to be sold so I’m planning on focusing on that.

@Anjelika so you have a timeline and a plan. That's absolutely fine, it sounds as if you have already detached emotionally. You can do this, and sometimes you need to be patient. It's also sometimes the case that you need to feel you've tried everything possible - I felt like that and with hindsight it meant I stayed too long, but I think the fallout would have been worse if I'd tried to go 2 years earlier when I was at a kind of interim breaking point.

I'd say the only thing that could or should change your plan is if your DC find life intolerable and tell you so.

Over the years (and we are talking 14.5 years here) I have done everything I can. I just hope the kids understand that. I think they do but every time he relapses the eldest doesn’t entirely understand why I don’t try and lock his father in the house/take all his bank cards etc. Believe me I too thought those were solutions once upon a time - they are not!

The kids are unfortunately used to his relapses and we function quite happily on our own. It’s sad that they can’t invite friends round when he’s drinking - that’s probably the biggest issue for them - well that and anyone they know seeing him when he’s out getting more vodka.

Oh dear @Anjelika , that sounds so hard. My girl is still coming to terms with the damage done by an alcoholic parent. She is in her first serious relationship and has massive trust issues. Her lovely partner is from a drinking culture, although he drinks sparingly, and she finds that and even minor disagreements quite terrifying. I do understand why next year seems like the point to aim for, but our alcoholic can have 10 crises in a day sometimes, and it was how that was affecting dd through GCSEs that made me realise I could no longer deal with their birth parents nonsense. Maintaining stability through the A level year with their father in the home may be very difficult. I’m not judging you, just projecting how I’d feel about facing another year of all that. You are incredibly brave.

@Anjelika I think when your kids are so aware of what's going on, you've got nothing to lose by moving forward with divorce plans whenever suits you. He is already causing emotional upheaval within the home and your lives will be so much less stressful without him there. Personally, if I could do it all again, I wouldn't wait so long, as things only got worse and my children suffered. I also found that telling people helped. Trying to keep it all secret and pretend we were having a 'normal' life because I felt so ashamed was one of the worst aspects of living with an alcoholic.
@Userqrgtyd he has been caught doing something he has probably been doing for a long time and it is a really good thing that he has, as he is no longer a danger on the roads. It would have happened eventually whether you stayed with him or not. Absolutely his circus.

@Anjelika so sorry to read your post. I think your eldest will understand, in time. I used to feel that way, too. Why didn't my dad just stop her? But when you dig deep into the practicalities, you realise it's not possible. And one adult can't play prison guard to another.

I was just thinking about the actor Matthew Perry (don't know why, wasn't a huge fan or anything). All that wealth, all those resources, the very best rehab and care available. And still, addiction prevailed. Then contrast that with an addict on the street – they still find a way, too. Something to think about, when we wonder if we could have done more.

@amlie8 the Matthew Perry story is definitely relevant and shows that even with money to throw at this problem, in the end it gets them. Same with Amy Winehouse.

I have been trying to keep things together for so long now. I'm sure like many on this thread it's not all been bleak. We actually had a lovely 2 week holiday abroad this summer and DH didn't touch a drop. He is just in a really big relapse-recovery-relapse cycle again and it just shows that things are never going to really change.