Why am I doing this to myself over & over again?!

[Flowerpowerrr]

Hi,
Not entirely sure how I ended up here but thank you for enabling me to get it all off my chest.

For the past 5 years or so I'd say I've been drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night, drinking more on a night out and then repeating the process the next day because the hangover's kicked in. I'm not ashamed to say I love a drink, I still do now but the negatives are outweighing the positives and I'm only just realising it.

I have a loving husband, a job, 2 kids and function very well. I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic but I know it will lead down that path soon enough. I come from a family of drinkers and alcoholism is in the family. I don't drink in the mornings, i don't stumble about falling, I don't cause trouble etc but it get's to about 5pm and I get the urge to open a bottle. That first glass is like relaxation in liquid form and it's become a habit I'm desperate to change. Do I want to quit for good, I'm not entirely sure yet but I know I want to reset my drinking habit and how I use it. There's always a reason to drink for me - celebrations, night out, boredom, staying in, movie night, stress, sadness, lonliness, happiness, the weather. You name it - I have a drink for that.

I'm drinking far too much, I know I am. Everyone knows me as the fun one, loves a drink, always up for a laugh, first to get the shots in - last to go home. I don't really. know myself as any other person or way to be to be honest. Im 40 soon and I don't know myself very well at all.

So last night I had 2 bottles of wine and a good laugh with friends on Facetime knowing that today was the day I quit for a while. Im not hungover, just a little fuzzy around the edges. I looked at myself in the mirror naked, weighed myself and it honestly just hit me. Where have YOU gone?!
I'm fatter, my skin is so dry, I'm pale, my hair has gone so thin and rubbish, my face looks different and i look sad. I've not noticed that before. I've spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on diet plans, books, hair products, skin products not actually realising that i'm doing all this to myself. It's the drink.

Well today is my day 1. I've tried multiple times before but get to day 4, cry and reward myself with a bottle of wine which then becomes 2 - obviously. Not this time though, I'm fed up of feeling guilty for letting myself down AGAIN!

If you got this far, thank you. I CAN do this and i WILL do this.

Ps. Can anyone recommend any supplements I could take to help me heal.

Much love xx

Morning, all. Hope everyone is OK. @Flowerpowerrr , my plan was to have a big breakfast, eat some of the buffet, only have 1 bottle of prosecco and not smoke.
I achieved 3 out of 4 ( I didn't have any buffet, but not because I was getting drunk, I was being a good nana and supervising the children there !).
I feel great today. I left the party at 7.30pm, so that was actually another achievement for me. I'm usually the last to leave.
This thread is great, so inspiring (@ShirleyJackson @Nouveaunew , your posts have really hit a nerve with me. Thanks.
Keep going everyone. You're amazing 👏

ps @Nouveaunew, it was actually something you posted on the other thread. I keep thinking about it !

Hi guys, mind if I join?
one week sober today. Sending strength and compassion to everyone struggling. Feeling good at the minute, had a few cravings the past week but just rode them out.

@Amdone123
it’s good to know we are all helping each other

@Flowerpowerrr
well done. This is a life changing journey

@Haveatakeaway , of course you can join us. Morning ! Well done on 7 days, that's really good. You can do this. Thank you for the sending of strength, I need it after yesterday. It wasn't a good day for me yesterday. It was day 2 of our big family celebration. Day 1, I did great because I had a plan. Yesterday, no plan so drank too much. But I'm definitely not drinking today.
I can do it. I've done it before. I can do it again.

Thank you @Amdone123 it's so much easier with support. Tried and failed a few times, abstained for a good two/ three years, then months, then weeks at a time as my mental health declined. It's so stupid to treat your anxiety/ depression with something that gives you anxiety and depression!

Morning OP. Well done on your efforts so far! I was drinking a similar amount to you and did that four about the last twelve years after some traumatic events and not dealing with the emotional harm they caused me. I was fully functional and got to the point where after two bottles of wine I wasn't even drunk. My DP wasn't happy but I just ignored his concerns.

Recently I got a promotion and we moved down the country. DP gently suggested I go alcohol free during the week. I agreed as I was beginning to panic that I was stuck in a habit and didn't know how to change it. So when we moved, alcohol-free week nights became the new habit and I'm so glad I did it. I feel heaps better for it. On a Friday I have a bottle of really lovely wine over the course of the evening and on a Saturday a large gin and tonic. But I don't feel guilty because I've cut down by about 80%! During th week I don't even think about alcohol and getting up I feel fresh and clear headed.

I deeply regret the damage I've done to myself through years of drinking like that.
Best of luck to you!

@BreakerOfBras , hi there. I meant to respond to you earlier but I'm on a walking holiday and had to go...well, walking!
You have come such a long way, well done 👏. I believe I could moderate like you're doing. I've done it before. The problem is I very gradually drift into old habits again, but I'm going to keep trying. Thank you for the inspiration 🙏

Hi there. Hope it's ok to join. I am 7 weeks and 1 day AF. I listened to alcohol explained on audible. (Tried to read but my hungover mind couldn't absorb it.. ) anyway after pretty much a decade of increasingly heavy drinking -half bottle of vodka a night or a bottle of wine followed by anything I could find around the house..and marriage to an alcoholic. I knew I had to do something.

This book was a revelation. No preaching. No evangelical hoohah just the plain, simple logical facts about the actual effect of alcohol on the human mind and body.

Clear explanation as to how that 'relaxing' first drink feeling becomes a subconscious trigger embedded in our memory. ..and how we become hard wired to try and sustain that feeling. When in fact the hormone released (cortisol) to combat the alcohol withdrawal just increases that anxiety we were trying to gain release from.

To me this was a lightbulb moment. It literally made me realise that it is a completely pointless activity. We drink to relax and escape life's woes - and end up spending money on a fleeting 'relief' followed by even more anxiety added to the existing woes. ..utterly pointless.

The book explains it better than I can but hope you get the gist. ? I Feel so blessed to have been given this information. It's very early days still, but I think it has changed my life.

@Eddiesferret , morning. Well done on 7 weeks, 1 day - that is absolutely brilliant. That book has great reviews, I think I'll get it. I've never read any quit lit. You explained it very well I think.
I think this thread has gone quiet ( they do sometimes don't they ), but there are a few of us very active on another, Day 1 again. You're very welcome to join us there. We're at different stages, but the support is brilliant.

That's so kind of you. I will pop over and join you there.

@Eddiesferret thread is Anyone else on Day 1 today ?
( I'm only suggesting this as I find it easier to post on 1 thread to get a rapport / conversation etc )

That's helpful.