Why am I doing this to myself over & over again?!

[Flowerpowerrr]

Hi,
Not entirely sure how I ended up here but thank you for enabling me to get it all off my chest.

For the past 5 years or so I'd say I've been drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night, drinking more on a night out and then repeating the process the next day because the hangover's kicked in. I'm not ashamed to say I love a drink, I still do now but the negatives are outweighing the positives and I'm only just realising it.

I have a loving husband, a job, 2 kids and function very well. I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic but I know it will lead down that path soon enough. I come from a family of drinkers and alcoholism is in the family. I don't drink in the mornings, i don't stumble about falling, I don't cause trouble etc but it get's to about 5pm and I get the urge to open a bottle. That first glass is like relaxation in liquid form and it's become a habit I'm desperate to change. Do I want to quit for good, I'm not entirely sure yet but I know I want to reset my drinking habit and how I use it. There's always a reason to drink for me - celebrations, night out, boredom, staying in, movie night, stress, sadness, lonliness, happiness, the weather. You name it - I have a drink for that.

I'm drinking far too much, I know I am. Everyone knows me as the fun one, loves a drink, always up for a laugh, first to get the shots in - last to go home. I don't really. know myself as any other person or way to be to be honest. Im 40 soon and I don't know myself very well at all.

So last night I had 2 bottles of wine and a good laugh with friends on Facetime knowing that today was the day I quit for a while. Im not hungover, just a little fuzzy around the edges. I looked at myself in the mirror naked, weighed myself and it honestly just hit me. Where have YOU gone?!
I'm fatter, my skin is so dry, I'm pale, my hair has gone so thin and rubbish, my face looks different and i look sad. I've not noticed that before. I've spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on diet plans, books, hair products, skin products not actually realising that i'm doing all this to myself. It's the drink.

Well today is my day 1. I've tried multiple times before but get to day 4, cry and reward myself with a bottle of wine which then becomes 2 - obviously. Not this time though, I'm fed up of feeling guilty for letting myself down AGAIN!

If you got this far, thank you. I CAN do this and i WILL do this.

Ps. Can anyone recommend any supplements I could take to help me heal.

Much love xx

Hi op that was really quite a sad read. I have been where you are, for me, the only way was to quit. I am not saying you should that's your call but, I said the same things as you. What resonated with me was you saying you don't recognise or know yourself. That was me I now know who I am, what I want and I really like myself. I look and feel better than I have in a long time.

You also need to be mindful of your DC as they will think it's normal to drink like this. There is always a reason to drink. I thought I loved drinking turns out I really don't.

The supplements you need to concentrate on are B vitamins as these are not fully absorbed in drinkers. Google Craig Beck I took all of the supplements he recommended, they included magnesium, omega and others.

Also, I told myself the same, I have a stressful job, never missed work or drank in the mornings. Good luck with whatever choice you make, alcohol is very controlling.

Hi OP.
I read your post and thought of myself. I am drinking a bottle of wine a night and have done for a good couple years. Im a single parent and feel like its my treat in the evenings but its catching up with me. Ive put on weight which I dont like.
I really want to change so I will be following your thread!
What have you got planned tonight? x

Thank you so much for your reply, it's so nice to hear how great you've done - congratulations! That's where I want to be too. I think quitting for good is the way forward, I want a better life. I want to feel like i'm actually living!

Im going to get all those supplements, such a great help xx😊

Morning @Flowerpowerrr , your post could have been written by me, 5 years ago. I was on a treadmill and couldn't get off. I tried lots (list below), all with varying degrees of success, but all helped me to where I am today, ( oh, I was 7 bottles of wine a week, frequent trips to a n e, hangovers that kept me in bed all day....I could go on. Presently, I still drink - 2 bottles a week but I'm in control. And not always 2 , sometimes none).

1. I wrote a list of the benefits of not drinking ( ranged from better sleep to being healthier/ alive for my granddaughter. 50 benefits in total. Unbelievable). I kept it on me and read it frequently.
2. online forums - club Soda, Soberistas - brilliant. Lovely, non judgmental groups and they've all been there.
3. mumsnet - threads like this. People on here will help you. They'll hear you, encourage you, give you tips etc.
4. Annie Grace 30 day alcohol experiment - great to have a break and reset your relationship. Will make you think.
5. hypnotherapy - not like me, really. But I was feeling rather desperate after a bad night. This helped a lot - I still have my personalised recording and listen to it a lot.
6. journalling. I do this a lot. How I'm feeling, what's really bothering me, etc. It stops me reaching for the bottle.

I'm not tee total, as I said, and I still have bad days, but I do reflect a lot. If I fall, I don't beat myself up. I just keep trying.
You can do it.
I'll help you. So will people on here.

It's such a slippery slope, I completely understand where you're coming from. Although I'm not a single parent, I felt like on when my kids were younger as my husband worked nights and the evenings felt lonely. Especially watching your friends go out but you're stuck in. Do you feel like you start with a night on a night off and then decrease?

Im going to buy lots of nice soft drinks and cook something nice for tea. I've just downloaded audible and got a couple of books to try help quit.

@Flowerpowerrr , also can I ask when are you 40 ? Because it's great to have a time frame.

Wow well done, sounds like you're in such a better place - you should be so proud of yourself!

They're all amazing tips, I like the sound of journalling. I used to love writing things down when I was younger, I'll pick that back up.

Not just saying it but thank you so much for your response. Nice to see I'm not alone xx

@Amdone123 Im the end of next year.

I loved listening to books on audible I genuinely think it was one of the biggest factors in me quitting. I am just over 4 months sober. I can't tell you the benefits I am so patient and chilled now, was always anxious, on edge and short tempered. My sleep is amazing used to take nytol but don't need that.

The bloating in my belly and face has gone, I now wear hardly any make up as my skin and eyes are glowing.

What else? I have energy, I get up happy in the morning, used to be a but groggy/mild headache and blurry eyed.
I always see the end of a film! But best if all I feel I really know me now and know I am doing the best health-wise and for my DC.

I planned a treat most evenings mainly chocolate/crisps, didn't worry about weight gain initially. I spent time on hair masks/painting nails/face masks. I also love the fact my clothes fit so don't need to hide the bloat. I really wished I had managed to quit sooner.
The money saved is also great.

If you have not yet please read Craig Beck's books, he tells his personal story but gives achievable guidance on how to quit. Audible really got it into my head, it feels positive and does not require reading.

I was exhausted when I first quit but that's to be expected. It is a small price to pay for the daily benefits.

@Rupertpenrysmistress Wow I honestly can't wait for the positives to start flooding in. I know the journey is going to be a hard and emotional one but I have support at home and it helps that my husband isn't really a drinker. He's going to come on the journey with me for support.

I can't wait to feel comfy in my clothes. Im now the next size up and i just wear black all the time to try hide myself. The aim is to buy colour for the summer and feel good again.

I already feel better after joining here so thank you. I'll look at those books too x

Day 1 under my belt, time's actually gone fast. I always find 1 one pretty easy tbh, tomorrow is when the hard work starts. Heading for an early night.

Thank you for your support today. You made my day that bit easier.

You’re me two years ago in August.

Stopping was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was also the best.

I used the Annie Grace 30 Day Challenge - I bought the book and joined the online group. I read lots of quit lit, kept a bag of Haribo sours close at hand, meditated, hot baths, kept track of my AF Days on the Sobertime app - you name it, I did it.

I’m now 646 days sober (that’s the first time I’ve looked in months - I used to check it about five times a day!) and there’s no downside.

I’m two stone lighter, immeasurably fitter, my skin is bloody amazing, my skin has stopped itching, I’ve stopped having 11pm carb binges, I’m sleeping through the night…there is NO downside.

I also seem to have twice as many hours in the day! The day used to end when the bottle opened, but not any more. I’ve taken up running, yoga, French, writing, art, PT, gardening, open-water swimming…I think of something I want to try, and just do it!

Good luck, OP, and just remember - no downside. It’s my mantra.

No fuzzy head for you tomorrow. Well done 👍

@ShirleyJackson The itching skin, I never thought of putting the 2 together.
I love hearing everyones stories, yours is amazing. 646 days is insane, genuinely, well done!!

Ive joined the naked mind, got my 'I am sober' app, ordered a list of supplements from Holland & Barrett and Ive made no big plans for a month but to focus on myself. Ive never put myself first before tbh, it's going to be alien but worth it in the long run.

Thanks for your words x

@userxx It will be delightful. Im going the beach in the morning to get my steps in. Thank you

@Flowerpowerrr you sound well-prepared! Good luck, and enjoy that lovely feeling when you wake up and automatically get the dooms…and then realise you don’t have to, because you didn’t drink last night!

It’s most deliciously smug feeling in the world!

I’m two stone lighter, immeasurably fitter, my skin is bloody amazing, my skin has stopped itching, I’ve stopped having 11pm carb binges, I’m sleeping through the night…there is NO downside

amazing .

The most amazing thing about it is that I didn’t realise how shite booze was making me feel until I didn’t feel shite anymore.

The symptoms were insidious. I genuinely believe I’d have been very ill by now if I hadn’t stopped, and I wasn’t in the realm of what most people would class as ‘an alcoholic’. It creeps up on you. I’m eternally grateful that the penny dropped.

I’m in too, just had a 12 day break but spoiled that this weekend and feel rubbish this morning so back on it. I’m SO productive when I don’t drink and feel proud of myself too. I want that feeling. You can do this 🤩

@ShirleyJackson The things we put ourselves through for liquid - it's absolutely crazy! We romanticize alcohol so much as a society, it needs to stop. We don't do it with any other drug, nobody pushes you to the extent they do to whip out a belt, strap it to your arm and inject heroin. Yet here we all are, suffering.

DAY 2........

Morning guys, Happy Sunday.
I had a lovely 7 hour sleep. Took a little longer to fall asleep but i expected that.

Positives: Slept well, heart rate decreased, I'm up £20, I didn't binge eat, I remember my whole evening.

Negatives: Tired, body aches, water retention in hands and face, bloating.

I'm working for the next 6 days now so at least I have distractions. I work from home which is good.

Hope everyone is ok 🤗

Hi Flowerpowerrr that's a great start, I still remind myself everyday of the positives. By the end of your work schedule you will see the bloating go down, that was really encouraging for me.

It will stick when the positives start. If you think about what our poor bodies have been through it will take time to reverse this, but it will happen. Congratulations on day 2.

@Flowerpowerrr I could have written your post myself. I'm 9 weeks dry today and while I'm not physically dependent, my psychological dependence is strong. I'm only just learning who I am after using alcohol since I was 15 and I'm now 41. It's been involved in almost every aspect of my life. Ways to navigate an alcohol free life: quit lit, especially Allen Carr How to Stop Drinking which can rewire your perception of drink. Exercise to get a natural buzz - running is now my thing. And this is controversial in recovery communities, but AF drinks have helped me through occasions where I'd normally drink. It doesn't trigger me to want alcohol but it can for some people so approach with caution. I find a cold AF beer satisfies any cravings very quickly but I'm mindful of it potentially keeping the monster alive. Getting to know yourself again without alcohol and the other benefits like better sleep, weight loss, better relationships is the best thing about it and it does get easier. Best wishes from Wombat.

@Wombat8 9 weeks - WOW!! Congratulations! Thank you for the tips too, loving all this advice, everyone's been so nice x

Hello,

Well done for trying to stop the alcohol, I am really struggling at the moment too but unlike you I am getting drunk alot and have realised I use alcohol to deal with my emotions and things that have happened in the past. I have an amazing husband and a 1 year old and I am ruining my marriage I don't want my little girl to grow up seeing me like this I need to stop now!!! I just wish I could drink and be normal like everyone else but I'm starting to think I am just one of those people who can't drink! Well done for trying to get off the alcohol I know how hard it is!