Why am I doing this to myself over & over again?!

[Flowerpowerrr]

Hi,
Not entirely sure how I ended up here but thank you for enabling me to get it all off my chest.

For the past 5 years or so I'd say I've been drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night, drinking more on a night out and then repeating the process the next day because the hangover's kicked in. I'm not ashamed to say I love a drink, I still do now but the negatives are outweighing the positives and I'm only just realising it.

I have a loving husband, a job, 2 kids and function very well. I wouldn't call myself an alcoholic but I know it will lead down that path soon enough. I come from a family of drinkers and alcoholism is in the family. I don't drink in the mornings, i don't stumble about falling, I don't cause trouble etc but it get's to about 5pm and I get the urge to open a bottle. That first glass is like relaxation in liquid form and it's become a habit I'm desperate to change. Do I want to quit for good, I'm not entirely sure yet but I know I want to reset my drinking habit and how I use it. There's always a reason to drink for me - celebrations, night out, boredom, staying in, movie night, stress, sadness, lonliness, happiness, the weather. You name it - I have a drink for that.

I'm drinking far too much, I know I am. Everyone knows me as the fun one, loves a drink, always up for a laugh, first to get the shots in - last to go home. I don't really. know myself as any other person or way to be to be honest. Im 40 soon and I don't know myself very well at all.

So last night I had 2 bottles of wine and a good laugh with friends on Facetime knowing that today was the day I quit for a while. Im not hungover, just a little fuzzy around the edges. I looked at myself in the mirror naked, weighed myself and it honestly just hit me. Where have YOU gone?!
I'm fatter, my skin is so dry, I'm pale, my hair has gone so thin and rubbish, my face looks different and i look sad. I've not noticed that before. I've spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds on diet plans, books, hair products, skin products not actually realising that i'm doing all this to myself. It's the drink.

Well today is my day 1. I've tried multiple times before but get to day 4, cry and reward myself with a bottle of wine which then becomes 2 - obviously. Not this time though, I'm fed up of feeling guilty for letting myself down AGAIN!

If you got this far, thank you. I CAN do this and i WILL do this.

Ps. Can anyone recommend any supplements I could take to help me heal.

Much love xx

DAY 3....

Good Morning!
Fell asleep pretty fast last night, managed 7.5hrs and according to my watch, 5 of them of completely restful which is good.

Positives: I didn't drink, I'm up £20, I'm proud of myself for staying sober all weekend (this was my downfall every time).

Negatives: I feel VERY tired, nauseous, little bit flat, dizzy.

Also, don't know if this is a thing but I feel like my smell has become heightened. Things that never normally bothered me smell 10 x worse.
No, I'm not pregnant! haha

I'm very grateful to my body for pushing through all this. All my supplements arrive today so no doubt they will help too.

Hope you're all doing well - KEEP GOING!!!!

www.alternatives-for-alcoholism.com/candida-and-alcoholism.html

Please first have a look at this, then tag me if anything stands out to you.

Well done @Flowerpowerrr - I am pretty much in the same boat as you and have decided that now is the time to make the change. I have made so many other positive changes and I know this is the one thing holding me back now. Good luck - I'll be keeping an eye out for your progress as it will help inspire me too! 😀

Not really @KarenLovesRosario but what an interesting read. Thank you

@grubbyduck You CAN do this and if not now, when? There's always another Monday, another excuse - I've made them all 10 x over! I'm eating healthier so I'm excited to see the benefits soon. The £ alone is the first benefit im seeing.

Good luck x

DAY 4....

Can't believe I'm at the end of day 4 and I'm still sober. I even went to a pub for lunch today and had an appletize. Im so happy, i was worried about i'd cave but I didn't even want one.

Apart from bloating still, no negatives to report today.

Chatting on here is helping me so much so thank you xx

Fantastic @Flowerpowerrr

You’re about halfway through the hardest bit. You’re bossing it. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@Flowerpowerrr , well done 👏 , you're doing brilliantly. Just take one day at a time. I say this because I know from past experience, I cave when I start thinking ahead too much. ( hope this makes sense !)
You can do this.
@grubbyduck , great to hear you've made other positive changes. Keep posting on here - we'll help you.

Good for you OP! I wish you well 😀

Well done, OP. Lots of Vitamn B will help and you shouldn't rule out AA. It doesn't seem to work for everyone but my friends that are in AA have made huge personal progress in lots of different aspects of their lives.

How are you doing?

Hello, just want to add I am right there with you. I'm sick of the hangovers. Sick of feeling like shit, every single day. Red Wine is doing it to me, again. I quit for 4 months last year and I felt heavenly for all of that time and somehow started up again. Now I am back to drinking wine every day, maybe only 2 glasses, but it gets me down. I have very minimal tolerance for the stuf anymore. When I was alcohol free, I slept amazingly every night, had no guilt, was there for my kids, and was productive in the house. I'm none of these things right now.

Morning @Flowerpowerrr
well done to you. I’m so pleased for you.

I recently had a fall (fainted) which resulted in multiple fractures - they strongly suspect osteoporosis, I’m having all the tests very soon….I’m not in the age group where this should be a concern but I drank too much (don’t any more) and that has most likely been the biggest factor. So I’d add Calcium and Vit D to your supplement list - get outside and take in some rays!

@AIPS @Daura2731 , how are you both doing?@WannabeBrit , recognised myself in your post. I've done this : abstained, felt brilliant, experienced positives on so many levels, then gone back to the 1 thing that made me feel dreadful .
At one point, I equated my relationship with alcohol to one with an abusive partner. Scary.
@WannabeBrit , you've done it before and you can do it again.

Hey everyone. - still going strong and what's weird is im not even craving alcohol. I think the fact im so busy with work is helping rather than hindering. I feel less bloated today and im 3lb down which is good. Still feel a bit light headed here and there but honestly im so shocked at how far im getting. I feel so different this time and tbh, I think i was just fed up of my own BS!! xx

Brilliant news, OP. I live in Mexico and gave up the daemon alcohol two weeks before a major earthquake. I remember how everyone was out trying to see where they could be useful, everyone that is except for the local winos, who were just doing the same as every other day. I remember thinking that I would have been like them if I hadn't given up drinking, as I had always used alcohol to deal with stress.

@Flowerpowerrr Your posts are very inspiring. I feel like I’ll be where you are if I don’t put a stop to things. I woke up this morning feeling regretful and I’m so glad this was the first post I saw. Good luck on your journey.

@Bigbus , morning..that regretful feeling is the worse. Don't be too hard on yourself. May I ask why you feel bad ?

@Amdone123 I went out on Wednesday night and had one more to drink when I got home which was stupid so I ended up feeling a bit shit yesterday but told myself I wouldn’t drink but then I did - I had about 3/4 of a bottle of wine. By no means my worst night but I had decided not to do it’s the lack of self-control that is the issue here. I usually have 2-3 nights a week with no alcohol but when I do drink I seem to just keep going.

@Bigbus , yes, I've done that. I compare that with being on a treadmill I just can't get off. Incidentally, if I have wine in the house from the day / night before, I pour it away. I can't have it in the house, I will drink it, even when I'm hungover. I also find that the more I abstain, the less I think about it or want it.
Just keep trying, keep reflecting.
I'm at a celebration today. All day. I have to make so many decisions about my intake, I'm tired already.
The struggle is real. 😫

Sorry to hijack your thread OP but this link really resonates with me!

@Flowerpowerrr did you feel safe going cold turkey? That part really worries me!

@Coyoacan How amazing, you're doing so well. I bet you feel so much better in yourself too. x

@Bigbus I hates that feeling and it was only a feeling I ever put on myself. Id think to myself - "Thought you weren't drinking?" "You said you'd stop drinking at home" and the constant feeling of letting myself down which then led to a 'Fuck it' mentality (Pardon my french) or 'I'll start Monday'. I'm a white wine or vodka drinker, that's it. If there's none in the house, despite how much I want a drink - I wont drink anything else. I have got bottles of Brandy, shots, rum, gin, red wine etc on top of my cupboard and in full view and they mean nothing to me. If they were vodka or wine they'd ve talking to me - "Oh go on, just have one". Tbh, they've never lasted long enough to make on top of the cupboard. Try not to be so hard on yourself and try make small steps each day xx

@Amdone123 What's your plan for the celebration? x

@HmmmHashtag Don't apologise, this isn't just my thread - I want us all to benefit from this.

In the past when I have tried to quit I have had anxiety, nightmares, sweats, very jumpy in my sleep, irritable etc and lasted a couple of days feeling awful and quite upset. One occasion my heart rate was through the roof but i think i was actually having a panic attack from being hungover and craving a drink.

This time, I set a plan. The week leading up to me stopping I started eating a bit better, took some B vitamins, started drinking a couple of hours later (was really hard) but meant i was drinking less as I had to be up early for work which meant i was less fuzzy the next day. The friday I had 2 bottles of wine, woke up saturday feeling relatively ok and that was it. I felt safe this time, I felt in control, I felt this was the right time and I think more than anything, as I've said before, I was just so tired of listening to my own lies on a daily basis, then feeling sad that I'm repeating the process. Basically fed up of my own crap!

If you sit down and look at yourself, the glass in your hand, the bottles overspilling in your recycling bin, your purse a bit lighter, the things you're putting off/neglecting cos you cba or the feelings you're trying to put a liquid plaster over (for now) and are genuinely happy then I think you're lying to yourself. If you think you have a problem with your drinking, chances are - you have. The harsh reality is, you're doing this to yourself and you only have yourself to get you out of it. Very sobering thoughts. Why aren't you worth the fight? Stop surviving and lets's stop living!!

Im not saying i will be sober forever but right now I like that Im hours away from 7 days sober and ive not been this drink free since I was pregnant 10 years ago.

Good luck everyone. xxxxx

I could have written your original post. I'm 5 years AF on New Year's Day 2023. So 4.5 years now. I don't think I'll ever drink again. I'd just had enough of feeling so bloody rubbish all the time, in my body, in my head, everything. And trying so hard to find the one drink that wasn't going to make me sick the next day, or have a cracking headache or 'guilt overs' was exhausting!

I was a fun drunk, never any trouble, last at the party, first to the bar so the only person who thought I had a problem was me. But nobody else really realised how much of a hold the booze had over my mind on a daily basis.

Just keep going, Club Soda FB group is brilliant if you're into social media, but I read every book too, Clare Pooley and Catherine Grey's books both just switched a switch for me.

I didn't think I was an alcoholic either but I definitely had a very very unhealthy relationship with it and in my opinion that's enough to do something about it. And I'm much better off without it. Everything in my life has got better. Not a single area that's worse.

Good luck!