Forever Free - a life without booze, 2020 onwards.

[Drybird2020]

This thread is a supportive place for anyone who no longer wants alcohol to be part of their life.
This is the 4th thread in a series. I started the first 30th December last year and have been sober ever since. I couldn't have done it without the tremendous support other posters have given me.
Previous threads are linked below and are useful reading for anyone starting out, as they are full of useful advice, suggestions for reading, and strategies for managing the tricky times. Plus you will see how similarly alcohol affects so many of us, and track the journeys of people who are successfully making the change and embraced a new and rewarding life.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3781133-Anyone-else-stopping-completely-in-2020

Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3810419-Still-stopped-in-2020-a-thread-for-anyone-abstaining-from-alcohol

Thread 3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3910349-Staying-Stopped-Alcohol-Free-permanently

The only rules are that you are committing to an alcohol free life, and that you have stopped drinking before you begin to post.

If anyone would like to use the new thread to (re)introduce themselves and give a wee summary of where they are at, please do!

Thank you @Mustardpot

I think I'm also overdoing the coffee as a booze replacement, and not sleeping well. I hope it'll be worth it!

I wonder how long it takes for your body to actually recover.

Oh no @LittleDonk are you drinking enough water? I had awful headaches in the first week but they quickly went and now I hardly ever have any!

LittleDonk I’m not sleeping properly either. Also very curious as to when body starts to heal, and when I dare get my liver tested by GP, probably need to give it a year but that’s just a guess. Keep going.

Hi, I can't remember which thread I joined but was way back and needless to say I failed miserably at AF. The most I managed was 10 days and then back on the bottle off and on since. Day 3 here now for what feels like the millionth time, and still struggling with epic hangover/ migraine. I feel grim ( physically) and so disheartened I could cry at my inability to stop drinking when I want to so badly. So here I am again, who knows maybe this time it will stick.

Hey all.

Welcome nomorewine77 i am sure I remember you from before. :)

Don't cry lovely. You can do it. Take it day at a time. And post often.

I nearly cracked today- working from home and that is always a trigger. I distracted myself by e-mailing rude messages to my line manager. (She was having a bad day and appreciated it.... I think.... )

Hi all, checking in with my day 2. Good to see others at the same point as myself and really do find it’s so encouraging to see people with high day counts if that makes sense!!
This won’t be the tricky part for me, it will be a few weekends down the line and complacency sets In, the bargaining, the “oh I wasn’t that bad etc”.
I think because I have committed to checking in here will help hugely.oh and I will figure out how to name check next post 😃

Welcome back @Nomorewine77

Don’t give yourself a hard time. Many of us had failed attempts, it is part of the process for many people. The important thing is that you are here again. What really helped me is to look honestly at my relationship with alcohol. If I failed at being sober, why was that? What was driving me to drink? Interestingly, I discovered many of my “reasons” to drink were total nonsense! “Alcohol makes me relax” (actually it makes me more anxious); “alcohol makes me more fun” (actually it makes me fall asleep on the sofa); “I deserve a glass of wine after a long day” (WTF why am I rewarding myself with something that costs money, makes me anxious and fat and sleepy and gives me a hangover?!).

Now I tell myself that if I want to drink, go ahead! Have a drink! (I even keep wine and gin in the cupboard - Just haven’t bothered to get rid of it since I quit). Except I won’t have a drink because it makes me feel like shit!

Sorry if that makes it sound easy. It is not easy. I failed many times and alcohol broke many things in my life. But I am finally coming around to seeing alcohol for what it is (a socially accepted poison) and it is really liberating.

I should correct that really, alcohol didn’t break things in my life. I did that. But alcohol didn’t help!

socially accepted poison is true.

I have been thinking about things which i had not really thought of before. Bubbles of thoughts coming to the surface.

I recall a drinks party we went around christmas. One of Dhs friends (hig level professional, single, bit of a name in the community) was talking about how he had got so drunk on a first date that he actually threw up on the woman.

And everyone was laughing at the story!!!! He is good at telling stories against himself as he is quite a modest sort of guy. But it struck me out of the blue how bizarre it is that actually no-one really batted an eye at that story- just mainly thought it was amusing (and possibly a bit shocking) but mainly amusing.

That's a bit wierd really. We think of posioning ourselves; ruining our physical and mental health etc is all normal and a bit of fun.

I hadn't thought of that event for months. But it popped up out of nowhere this weekend and I thought it really was strange how society views alcohol.

Thank you all for your kind words. It's so easy to say whilst still suffering the dregs of a hangover and my resolve at this point is always so strong. A few more days down the line it's almost as though you forget and as mentioned think to yourself I'm not so bad, I'll only have a couple, stick to the recommended units etc etc there seem to be so many ways in which to excuse having a drink and then another and another. It's truly exhausting.
I think my triggers are lots of things, when I feel good; it would be nice to have an ice cold glass of wine, I'm stressed; I need a drink to help me relax, when I feel down; well misery likes company doesnt it?! It seems to slot so effortlessly into every side of me and has become a nasty habit.
I've been reading some older mumsnet threads and a poster came on to say during a discussion on whether drinking 4/5 bottles of wine a week was excessive and damaging, that a family member had drunk similar quantities over a long period and despite having regular liver function tests died an alcohol related death only months after receiving a 'healthy' result for liver function. That has really put the frighteners up me I have to say and aside from the effect it has on mental health, I find that terrifying. I hope it's terrifying enough to make me finally stop.

Glad it helped, aprilfools- I don’t think having a drink would add anything to your wedding - quite the opposite! Your day will be fabulous without it.

You’ve hit the nail on the head about having to override how nasty alcohol actually tastes, drybird. It was really horrid, like I’d just brushed my teeth and drunk orange juice. Bleugh!! And then it just made me feel sad and a bit lost.

You’re right about it being a socially accepted poison, bunnies. Over the last six months I’ve noticed more and more about how our narratives about alcohol are built on lies.

Thank you all for the welcome back I’m here in the background egging you all on.

Good morning all

I'm so happy waking up having not drunk last night. Ahhhhh. Day 3 for me today. @Nomorewine77 I am exactly the same after a short break, I convince myself it'll be fine now. Except my short break was usually 1 or max 2 days. I was in denial, and when not in denial just kind of resigned to my hopelessness. The story you read is terrifying. I recently had a full work up at the docs and came back clear. This was like a green light and my drinking just got worse!

I have been listening to Quit Like a Woman by Holly Glen Whitaker. She is a feminist and talks about the patriarchal structures and systems around drinking, alcohol and traditional recovery methods like AA. It's interesting but what really really struck me yesterday was what she has to say about self care. Ultimately all of us who have been in the alcohol trap have been actively harming ourselves. Like you said @BunniesBunniesBunnies we reward ourselves with something we know causes us pain. I have been trying to understand the root of this for myself. My lovely mum is utterly and totally selfless. Everything she does is for others. As she has got older she does a bit more for herself but ultimately she lives for everyone else. This was my role model. I admire her totally but I need to acknowledge I am different. I need space from my kids, husband, chores, work. I need to nourish my own spiritual growth. I feel guilty when I go to meditate!! No more. I am looking for genuine ways to take care of and nourish myself instead of poisoning myself. Last night I took the dog for a walk after dinner. It was a beautiful walk. I went to bed early with my book. I felt relaxed. I ate some chocolate but didn't feel guilty. Today I'm meeting a friend and her kids for a meal. I'm looking forward to connecting with her and not even thinking about drinking. I'm driving anyway but the point is I hope my mindset is starting to shift.

Next big challenge is this coming weekend. I'm camping. Traditionally this means getting mildly drunk by drinking a bottle of wine or the equivalent, perhaps a bit more. And drinks during the day if the opportunity arises. I'm reframing it. This is my opportunity to practice a sober holiday experience before my big holiday later this month. Waking up in the outdoors with a clear head to enjoy nature instead of waking up feeling nauseous with a headache. Has anyone got tips for a first sober weekend away? I'm thinking, a yummy bbq with special soft drinks-I'm enjoying crodino with ice and orange slices- hot choc when it gets dark, early morning swim in the pool or river maybe to celebrate actually bring awake and feeling rested. Now I've written that down I'm starting to visualise it and I'm excited!!!

Have a good day all!!

Morning all, checking on on day 11 after a great nights sleep but still feeling knackered! Excited still about the sober journey though so all positive.

@Nomorewine77 what might help is to read some of the books around changing your attitude to alcohol because what you are describing is something we have all been through. What helped me was reading Jason Vale, William Porter (Alcohol explained) and Annie Grace (Naked Mind) which delve into how alcohol physically and mentally affects us.

Both the last 2 you can find free online, or at least the first 40 pages or so, and if you are on Amazon they are on Kindle unlimited so you can download for very little.

@wickelfish, like you I’ve found planning what lovely things I am going to have for dinner or as a treat the best way to avoid wanting to drink in the evenings - good books are a wonderful distraction, early bed, tasty snacks, excellent ginger beer (starting to sound a bit Famous Five but you know what I mean).

I am sure bad cravings are going to ambush me soon so I have also got some AF lager and kombucha on order from Dry Drinker which I will keep for special occasions.... Onwards and upwards all :-)

Hi, can I join please? It’ll be 8 weeks on Thursday since I last had a drink and I feel so much better for it! I read the sober diaries, then the unexpected joy and then this naked mind. I feel like I’ve read enough for now and I’m just wanting to carry on with my life!! Those of you who have been AF for a long time, do you still get any cravings? The science and logic is definitely taking over for me but every now and then I think how nice a glass of wine would be! (My brain lying to me I know!)

Hi all! Please may I join too? Day 2 here. Not the first attempt but the first to truly giving up for ever. Before it's just been dry jan/lent etc which was then celebrated with a bottle of fizz! but after drinking far too much in lockdown and seeing just how rubbish I am at moderation, I realise it's time.

I started yesterday intending to reset with 30 days, then read The Sober Diaries last night and in doing so realised I can't reset, I nedd to quit.
Pretty excited but a little anxious as I loved a glass of wine.
Thank you for having me! Looking forward to posting day 100... fingers crossed!

I stopped drink 6 and a half months a go so it's still relatively new and I do have these moments. I remember recently reading someone on twitter who still has it after 20 years.

It's more a sort of wistfulness than a full on craving though for me. Like, wouldn't it be nice to sit out at an alfresco bar in the sun with a chilled glass of wine watching the world go by sort of thing. Maybe that's coming from a place of wanting to be carefree though, particularly at a time when being out of the home can seem a big challenge.

Welcome @BigKnickers87 and @NeedAUserNameAllTaken - there are loads of other more experienced people on here who will say hi but hello from a newbie as well!

@Ulysses I read someone (William Porter I think) breaking that down, as in, what are you really looking forward to - its not really the chilled glass, its the end of a long day, chance to sit down and relax, beautiful view, watching interesting people - right at the end is the chilled glass and when you think about it a chilled glass of AF would be equally nice in that moment... I liked the way he deconstructed the thinking because it makes it clear that the good bits are still accessible and available, if that makes sense :-)

Hi everyone, day 7 here, all good, slept slightly better. Was bit tetchy in the evening but DH is v understanding. Busy day for me today. Becks Blue arriving today, curious to try it, it was on offer so I have a case coming!

Morning everyone! Day 4 for me. Had a chat with DP last night and he was very supportive, I was really worried about this as it meant having to explain why I wanted to go AF and explain some of the effects its had on my mental health recently, and how poor this has been. Was met with the usual 'you weren't that bad, maybe you could have one or two?', I started to think I could but then quickly remembered I've tried and failed to do this so many times.

I feel quite tearful the past few days about having to face up to the things that have traditionally pushed me to drinking, nothing absolutely horrific but things that have bothered or upset me that have had me reaching for the booze. Strangely it's the thought of facing up to these that's upsetting me, not the issues themselves!

Welcome @BigKnickers87 and @NeedAUserNameAllTaken, @wickelfish no tips apart from treat yourself to lots of nice AF drinks (I'm loving posh flavoured tonics at the moment)

Have a good day everyone!

Thank you for the new thread - I love the title. Forever free

Bunnies, I'm also not doing so well with the not smoking. It will stick eventually if we keep going.

Ulysses, I totally get that wistfulness. It's just a fleeting thought of "wouldn't it be nice" even though I know it wouldn't be nice at all. Weirdly I get that a lot if I watch Come Dine With Me. I met friends at the pub on Sunday (first since lockdown and since stopping drinking) and it was ok. I did feel a bit wistful (that's a great word for it) when others were enjoying nice big glasses of fancy gin and tonics, but I know the idea is better than the reality. I'd have just felt tired and groggy if I had drunk. And even DH stuck to lime and soda which is unheard of.

Keep going everyone

@Teetotallyimperfect sorry you’ve been struggling with the smoking too. I’m really proud that I haven’t smoked for the last few days (home alone, major trigger!). Instead I’ve been running loads and I feel SO much better. When I smoke these days I tend to smoke so much (one after the other), I don’t really know why?! I had become the same with my drinking towards the end, needing to drink much more to get the same effect and not really enjoying it. Tomorrow if I still haven’t smoked I’m rewarding myself with a much wanted gift, and I’m setting myself some big (running) challenges today which is making me feel really positive. Having a good day today😊

@LittleDonk I had a lot of headaches to start with, I took them as a sign that my body was detoxing/readjusting.

I remember you, @Nomorewine77! Welcome back. You can do this. It's so much better than the drinking life.

Whoever asked about cravings, I had a brief one the other day. But as others have described it was more about nostalgia or desire for the whole experience of sitting in the pub garden with the sun on my back (and unencumbered by children), enjoying a relaxed moment or a laugh with friends. Experiences can be created without the negative influence of alcohol, we need to rewire ourselves to see it that way.

I am sleeping ridiculous amounts. 8+ hours at night and then I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. No idea why. I'm usually a morning person especially at this time of year but I'm not managing it just now.

I get that "wistfulness" too but I know I'm actually misremembering...

I am thinking "wouldn't it be lovely to have a drink in the sun like I used to" but it was never just one. Once that dopamine kicks in and the pleasure seeking starts I'm locked into that stressful cycle of "when can I get the next one/how can I get people to speed up etc". And then the guilt in the morning, the sleeplessness, anxiety....blergh!!!!

My friend whose 5 years sober says that rose tinted retrospect is very real and should be looked out for.