Anyone else stopping completely in 2020?

[Drybird2020]

I don't mean moderating or cutting down, I know that I can't control my drinking this way and I need to stop.

I have stopped for periods of time before and enjoyed the peace of not thinking about alcohol, or stressing about my consumption, or negotiating with myself about whether or not to get a bottle of wine on the way home on a Wednesday night.
There's no point in doing dry January, because I will just use it to justify a wet February.

There used to be a series of threads for total abstinence, think it was in Relationships but it seems to have tailed off. I could really do with a place to talk about this, but with an emphasis on being dry, not moderate. And if nobody else is keen I can use it as somewhere to witter away to myself.

rosies I hope this morning finds you feeling better. I can relate to the tearfulness and regret, I had an awful lot of it at the start of this process, and I'm into the full on introspection stage now (this is A Thing according to the quit lit I have read) . At some point you will need to forgive yourself, and even to feel proud of yourself for quitting in time to make a real difference to your life. Your daughter is so young, she won't remember you drinking! That has to be a powerful motivation, and something to feel good about.

I've had a friend staying, she and DH had a few drinks but I wasn't bothered at all, in fact during the evening I felt glad that I would be able to remember all the interesting topics we talked about. And I'm up before everyone else so I have time to write and drink coffee in peace before the hoards appear for breakfast.

Oops, spoke too soon... Ds3 is up... More later...

I found the video. It’s day 13 “I need alcohol to handle parenthood”. I can’t link to it, as you need to be doing The Alcohol Experiment to see it. I think it might be very helpful in dealing with those feelings and moving forward from them. .

Www.thealcoholexperiment.com - highly recommended.

house, I am also thinking 100 days is the right target for me to aim for. 30 days isn’t enough to reset my habits and really root out the underlying thoughts and feelings around drinking. I need to be not drinking in far more environments than dreary London in January with work deadlines coming out of my ears and a social life one stage removed from hibernation. I need to be not drinking on holiday, on sunny terraces, on big birthdays and weddings, on planes and in hotels, in other people’s houses for the weekend, at my parents house, on long train journeys, in pubs and theatres and restaurants...all of it!

Beautifully put @SophocIestheFox - that last bit is exactly how I feel. Which is why even though I'm on day 45 (?) I have no conviction that I've got this AT ALL.

Or even that I want to, tbh.

But I want to do 100 days and take it from there.

Happy Sunday all, nearly nailed the weekend. 😁

Rosie I think Fevertree is AWESOME! I like the light version as I’m wary about the sugar. (Totally appreciate the irony of this coming from someone who can sink 2 bottles of wine) I totally get the parent guilt. My NCT group were pretty hardcore and there was always an excuse, good or bad. This link might help you put it in perspective.. like soph said, it’s the culture. mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2019/04/mothers-little-helper-or-mothers-ruin.html?m=1

I have a fear of writing and losing long posts on my phone, so continuing from above..

Welcome to three lots of support and friendly folks here.
Soph lovely to hear you had a great day yesterday and glad you enjoyed your neeps!
dry kudos on not drinking when when your friend and DH were. That kind of thing trips me up as I get major FOMO. Silly really as I don’t miss the hangover!

growing 45 days? You rock! 100 sounds like a good plan (not too daunting) I’ve heard some say you have to do a year before you’ve experienced all the public holidays, anniversaries, celebrations and triggering scenarios. I’m just taking a day at a time as v early. Every day is healthful.

Got to drag my bum out of bed and go collect my daughter but enjoy your weekends folks!

Ps: tornado (and other puzzlers). Look up Colin Thompson’s curious cupboards. They are the right level of fun and challenging and quite meditative.. not a jellybean in sight!! 🤣🤣🤣

morning all
catching up. my Saturday was ok - easier than friday.
rosies I agree with everything pps have said about how awful we can feel about not being totally there for our DCs. I regret not being present for them lots of times, even tho I was there in body. but now we are doing a great thing for them.
also - I think women get ALOT more beaten up by themselves and society than men do around alcohol.
interesting to see everyone's plans for 30 days, 100 days etc. I can't trust myself to go for 100 days because I'll slip back and this time I know I want to be AF for the rest of my life. The idea of drinking again, going round the moderation merry go round makes me feel stressed and I am enjoying my AF life so much more, despite the moments of real grief for (as someone said so rightly upthread) that gorgeous first 30 minutes. there's no point pretending that's not a loss - it is. but the gains are so much greater.
A Sunday of chores for me. I hope everyone has a great day.

Hi can I join in late?

I’ve got to quit drinking or am going to end up in a ditch dead. I can go a few weeks with out drinking but when I do I always go overboard and there is some weird cut if point where I check out of rational thinking and end up in really dangerous situations.

Was out last night same happened and DH is fuming with me

Morning all! Day 26.. I'm bloody pleased as punch with that (pun intended).

Welcome to all the newbies @Windywendy1 been there, I could never stop once I started and spent many morning wondering what I'd said and done the night before. Like many have mentioned in this thread I was most definitely numbing stuff with wine.. I'm not sure where the past two years went and didn't deal with stuff that really needed sorting. Draw a line under it and start the AF journey today. The change is remarkable, I kid you not.

Slow start here this morning.. H didn't drink wine last night.. then caved at 9.30 and cracked open the cheese board and port 🤷‍♀️ two very large wine glasses later of 20% vol I reminded him that it was actually worse than wine. It frustrates the hell out of me he's doing this but I will not back down on MY AF journey, if he chooses to continue totally his choice.

I've booked in for gym classes next week, feeling motivated to get back to it at last.. I've most definitely eaten more since not drinking so it's a must 😂

Happy Sunday to you all, enjoy your day xx

Well done @dottydolly72 that sounds hard. Also I find it really BORING when my dh drinks - he disappears emotionally with very glass.
Welcome @Windywendy1 and congratulations on day 1. This is a good place and I hope you find it helpful.

Thanks all the for support! @sophoclesthefox I know that feeling of 'why not...' its probably not helped by my twenties being shift work in which it wasn't unheard of for us to finish work for a week on a Monday and go to the pub - my social norms of when it's ok and when its not were convoluted early on.

To the poster who mentioned childhood trauma - it's a huge, huge reason for addiction. There's so many reasons why (role modelling, lack of people to learn healthy coping strategies from, low self esteem etc) but one aspect that I've learned more about in my work (children's social worker) is how our brains, and with that our personalities, can be shaped by early trauma. I won't pretend to have a great understanding of it, but there's issues like how a child exposed to unpredictable/dangerous care will have a brain more primed for fight/flight and that means as they grow up, they're more hypervigiliant/on edge and 'need' chemicals to quieten that. Or that they are drawn to stimulants because their brain adjusted to extra stimulation and can't 'quiet down' in ordinary life (classic example is for people who 'enjoy' arguments and relationship drama as adults as anything less seems flat)
The reason I'm bringing it up is that if these things apply then it's important to find other ways to manage without swapping for another addiction. Mindfulness and meditation is in lots of recovery programmes for a reason.

@windywendy1 I'm only on day two, don't think it's ever too late!

I stayed in with BF last night and he drank while I stuck to soft drinks. Watched a series but as he got more drunk I switched to reading my book so I didn't get wound up by drunk conversation. It was easier than I thought because I just focused on how I wanted my nice clear headed feeling to arrive on Sunday, and not postpone that until Monday by drinking Saturday night.
Moderation is pointless when you feel shit the next day after 3 drinks!

Going to join some local gym classes next week to give me a new focus too.

Hi,

I started dry January on 1st Jan '15 and I've been dry ever since. I'd lost count of how long it's been and had to search old MN posts to find out it was 5 years (I've namechanged many times since then).

I don't think I'm an alcoholic but I certainly used to drink daily and my relationship with alcohol was not entirely healthy. At the end of 2014 a relative was doing the 12 steps (for drug use, not alcohol) and talking to him at the time was really inspirational. Part of my decision not to drink was in solidarity with him and a weird idea that my not drinking would somehow keep him safe. He's since relapsed in a big way but I've kept going.

Not drinking at all has been great. Initially I told everyone I was doing dry January. Then I said it had felt liberating and I thought I'd do a dry year. Now I tell people I don't want to spoil my streak.

The worst bit about not drinking for me is that it seems to make some people uncomfortable on nights out. Also it does get a bit tedious being around drunk people having boring, repetitive conversations as the evening progresses.

The best bit is waking up in the morning and not feeling worried about how much you drank, what you might have said, what people might think of you, what damage you might have done to your body etc.

Occasionally I am tempted to have the odd drink but I actually don't want to spoil my streak now! If I think, "I'll never drink again" that still makes me feel quite worried so I try not to think about it that long term.

I'm finding everyone's posts quite emotional - in the sense that we were all clearly drinking to numb/hide/cope with something. I'm so sorry that people have gone through such terrible times, but I'm reassured to know I'm not alone.

Big hugs to everyone.

I took DS and his friend to see Spies in Disguise - hilarious! At 9 they're a bit too cool for cartoons, so they think, but both loved it!

DP out all day, back late, normally a green light for me to drink, but no more!

Threeflyingducks

That’s exactly what I have been reading. Chronic exposure to stress during formative years can develop a constant fight or flight response and yes, as you said, a greater susceptibility to the perceived need to calm down using chemical means.

I have been practising my mindfulness techniques, and awareness of my habit loop, in preparation for breaking it.

Thanks for the warm welcome

Feel so annoyed with myself about my behaviour when drinking. I’ve always been like this. My parents were binge drinkers too. I can literally feel the change in my brain after my first sip.

I’m going to change for my kids.

Threeflying I totally get your post about trauma and related addictions.

onthe I check out too when drinking at home. In fact I live nothing more than sitting on my own in the kitchen drinking - which just thinking about it is pretty sad!

No more now though. Last night was enough to shock me in to going sober

Enjoy the rest of Sunday guys.

@Windywendy1 I used to love sitting on my own in the kitchen, drinking.

My kids were 11 and 14 when I stopped drinking. Their age was another motivation to stop; I didn't want them to think it was normal to sit at home drinking every evening. They actually can't remember me drinking at all now. My son (now 19) was under the impression that I'd never been drunk before. :-)

@ents (sorry I can't tag you) that's amazing that you've gone so long! Can I ask is it still a conscious thing or has it become habit?

@hobbitsarecool the good news is the brain is better than we think and can keep changing (it used to be presumed it was somehow finalised in adulthood). Not everyone who has a tendancy towards addiction has a trauma background but it makes sense why so many do.

I signed up for the alcohol experiment with Annie Grace today and I'm really impressed. I quit for six months about five years ago after reading her 'naked mind' book. The website & videos are the same message but more, and more interactive. It's making me feel really positive now (the great thing about the book was it helped me stop wanting to drink in the first place, a bit like how non smokers view cigarettes as pointless and gross). I'm hoping I can get back to that point.

I’ve read that, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, The Easy Way to Quit Drinking and others. They make sense. It’s just not a rational thing.

But I also got the Calm app and that is helping.

Hello, day 8 complete, almost, and spots and headaches are gone! Hope everyone ok ... as a teacher Sunday nights always included at least a glass or two but no drink in house and feeling strong

I stopped on January 1st and I feel so much better
I never want to feel hungover again

I can't trust myself to go for 100 days because I'll slip back and this time I know I want to be AF for the rest of my life. The idea of drinking again, going round the moderation merry go round makes me feel stressed and I am enjoying my AF life so much more, despite the moments of real grief for (as someone said so rightly upthread) that gorgeous first 30 minutes. there's no point pretending that's not a loss - it is. but the gains are so much greater.

All of this, thank you. I'm thinking of this journey in chunks, a month, 100 days, 6 months, a year, and then the rest of my life. I don't want to go back to drinking, ever.

I’ve just downloaded the book by Alan Carr on how to control alcohol. It’s talking about how we are programmed to drink from an early age as it’s on the TV, films etc.. it looks like it’s going to be a good read. It’s definitely about quitting as the titles misleading!

Ent yes I was starting to think about my girls seeing me drinking at home. The last six weeks school holidays were tough and my 6 year old was asking if I wanted a glass of wine when I was getting stressy

Glad it was helpful @Drybird2020 - especially as it’s thanks to you that this thread started and I appreciate your regular checkins.
Day 30 for me. Went to see little women with my daughter and it was a lovely outing. I wouldn’t have had the energy on a Sunday pm in my drinking life. I’m thankful for all the extra moments of relationship I am getting being sober.

Hi everyone I'm on day 1 but I really want to stop, I've just started a really good new job (week 2 starts tomorrow) and I really don't want to be dragging myself into work hungover. And this is my first job since having dd (2 years ago) so I want to be spend evenings and weekends dii I my family things with her and dh. I've bought the book Alcohol Lied to Me so I'll be reading that later tonight.

Can I ask has anyone gone to see their GP for help/support?

Hi Grace, day one for me too. I’ve not been GP as I binge drink and can go weeks without drinking.

Posted to early!

Not sure what the GP could offer a binge drinker!