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Alcohol support

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Alcoholic DP relapsed, threatened suicide and now not answering phone

110 replies

winoforever95 · 02/09/2019 23:20

I've been in a relationship for the last 8 months with an alcoholic who was in recovery and doing amazingly. We've known each other 16 years and it was a fantastic relationship full of respect, support and understanding of each other.

He has had 2 slips over the last six weeks, after the first he got back on track but was too embarrassed to go back to AA meetings but worked on his steps with an AA friend and meditated. The first happened whilst I was on holiday with my daughter and was due to various issues in his life, housing and problems with his business.

The second happened last week. I'd invited him camping but when I went to pick him up he'd been drinking so I told him he couldn't come. We talked a lot whilst i was away, some days he was sober, some days not. I was got home today, he seemed better and more positive. I told him I was going to go to my first al anon meeting tonight. He tried to get me to go before but I never saw the need when he was sober but I realised this week that I needed to do something for me as it was affecting me heavily.

The meeting was difficult and I'm not sure if it is for me but when I got out he text me and said he was saying goodbye, he was going to hang himself from a tree. That was nearly two hours ago and he's not replied to my texts or calls since. I have no idea where he is, if he's gone through with it and I feel so helpless.

OP posts:
1FineDane · 06/09/2019 13:38

This is why I'm vehemently opposed to the teaching of AA. They are so black and white in their brain-washing, that you feel like a complete and utter failure if you relapse and I've heard of many many many ex AA members dying by suicide. Obviously, they blame it on 'the disease of alcoholism'. I blame it on AA. It's designed to buoy you when you're sober and make you feel like utter shit if you drink, so yes, of course some people relapse, and yes, of course, there is then a very real and significant risk of people attempting suicide as a result of the indoctrination of AA.

timetochangeagainforever · 06/09/2019 14:16

I agree. AA made me worse. My sponsor made me go to church and I'm not Christian. I had to deal with speaking in tongues and having hands laid on me. I got sober outside of AA.

inboxmayhem · 06/09/2019 14:17

@1FineDane I think your view is wrong of the many thousands AA / 12 Steps has helped, including 3 of my close family from death.

Although, I do somewhat agree with you on brainwashing. All 3 family members are as selfish if not more, sober and clean than they were in active addiction.

1FineDane · 06/09/2019 15:48

It's just my view but it's speaking from experience. For every 1 in AA who has remained sober for 20+ years, I reckon there are at least 2 who killed themselves post relapse and 18 who either got sober by other means or who drank themselves to death.

1FineDane · 06/09/2019 15:49

I just personally hate to see it trotted out as a cure-all on here. It's really not.

1FineDane · 06/09/2019 15:50

Other treatments don't generally tend to make you feel suicidal for relapsing.

TokyoSushi · 06/09/2019 15:58

Oh OP, I've just come across this thread, sending lots of love your way FlowersFlowersFlowers

Backintheclosit123 · 06/09/2019 20:26

@1finedane I agree. Three people suicided in the two years I was a member, because their sponsors insisted they stop their anti depressants, as they blindly followed the 'no medication' mantra.

OP sorry for the derail. I hope you are getting support in this shitty shitty time.

1FineDane · 07/09/2019 01:39

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no doubt that he was a lovely man. I just hope that he can pull through this. It must be pure hell for you and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/09/2019 01:51

I'm really, really sorry that you are having to deal with this, but, honestly, walk away. You've only been seeing him for 8 months, do you want years of this? Whether addiction causes self-obsession or whether only selfish people become addicts is not known, but addicts have a tendency to drag everyone down with them, and most people who have been involved with an addict find there comes a point where they just have to back off and let the addict sink or swim.

It's only been 8 months; you don't live together, you don't have DC with him.. get out of this relationship now. You are NOT responsible for his problems and it is not possible to 'love him better.'

ReanimatedSGB · 07/09/2019 01:52

Oh yeah, AA is dangerous bullshit and the least effective method of curing addiction (95 percent of people who go to AA relapse.)

2018SoFarSoGreat · 07/09/2019 02:05

So sorry to read this. So sad. Bastard alcohol.

Sending a hug and 💐

heath48 · 07/09/2019 02:19

What utter utter tripe being written on here about AA.

I have been sober 16years and attend meetings every week,where are you getting relapse figures from? AA keeps no record of who attends or who relapses.People relapse because they don’t want to stay sober,it is that simple.Nobody is ever made to feel bad for relapsing,it happens,they are welcomed back,ALWAYS.

I am very anti Rehabs,they are a complete and utter waste of time,very few stay sober from them.

Thousands of AA members take anti-depressants,the same as the rest of the population.

Makes me laugh because I can guarantee those who are so anti AA have NEVER been to a meeting or may have been a couple of times.They then declare themselves experts.

Also AA is NOTHING to do with religion,so talking about being made to go to church is tripe.I am not religious and only ever go to church for a wedding or a funeral.

I hope the OP’s partner does well,if and when he returns to the meetings he will be warmly welcomed.

Chapellass · 07/09/2019 02:41

Thinking of you OP Thanks

Backintheclosit123 · 07/09/2019 06:17

It's only been 8 months; you don't live together, you don't have DC with him.. get out of this relationship now. You are NOT responsible for his problems and it is not possible to 'love him better.'

I agree.

Defeated10 · 07/09/2019 07:24

I really don't think it's helpful for the OP for people arguing if AA is helpful or not. She's going through an awful time and that's all she needs is people telling her that AA makes people relapse. OP I hope you're ok

winoforever95 · 07/09/2019 10:24

Last night I said goodbye to him. The decision was made by his family to turn off life support and as much as I would do anything to just hold his hand for longer I know they made the right decision based on the scans and complications. But still my heart is broken. I sat with him for a while, told him I loved him and I didn't blame him and it was ok to go. Then I left his family to have their time. Just waiting to hear that he is at peace now.

We may have only been in a relationship this time for eight months but we were together many years ago ( which ended due to me, not him) and have much more shared history as we have known each other all our adult lives. I didn't think I could save him or was responsible for his problems, that was on him. He was so much more than an alcoholic though and one of the hardest parts is people judging him and what our relationship was like because of that. You don't know. He was a kind, gentle man, who had the biggest heart and who listened to everyone's problems and gave the best advice. If only he could have taken his own advice.Many people's lives will be emptier without him in it.

Thank you for those who have offered kind words and support. I just need to grieve now.

OP posts:
ox136jl · 07/09/2019 10:26

So sorry to hear this OP Flowers

MyOtherProfile · 07/09/2019 10:33

So sorry OP. He's clearly been a big part of your life and it's so tragic. Thinking of you and his family Flowers

BackOffKaren · 07/09/2019 10:42

I'm so sorry OP xx

LuluBellaBlue · 07/09/2019 10:45

Sending you lots of love and for him and his family too for a peaceful passing Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/09/2019 10:52

Flowers So sorry for your loss.

SparklyMagpie · 07/09/2019 11:06

OP I'm so sorry

Sending you all thoughts and love xx

MardAsSnails · 07/09/2019 11:24

So sorry to hear this. Lots and lots of love

Apolloanddaphne · 07/09/2019 11:40

Sorry to hear this OP. Be kind to yourself.