Wankerbastards will upset us that try, but we will still be dry. Or dryer at a push. It's a good job we are not in a rush.

[Frouby]

Thread 6 for the Tryers to be Dryers.

Support thread for reducing alcohol, stopping alcohol, monitoring alcohol. All welcome, absolutely no judgement. Whatever your aims with alcohol come and join us here. Lots of swearing but no judging or criticising.

Previous threads dotted around but can never do clicky links.

Will catch up, but 15 hour work day plus lurgy = gin. FML.

I'm genuinely seriously worried. I have never found it this hard to stop drinking for a few days / a week and have never drunk this much. I feel awful and I think I could be throwing my life away.

When I am with boyfriend I can literally have one drink. We did that on Monday evening; one drink, a walk, water and tea with dinner, both safe to drive by home time, good sex, good sleep.

Last night I was out with friends. Was pleased no one else got my train back home aftwarwards so I could drink more on train. Carried on drinking at home and heard myself being a right slurry arse on the phone to boyfriend before bed. Late bed and really physically shitty day today.

Would it work to say I only drink with boyfriend and just have one?
Do I just have to stop drinking?
Really really worried. My kids are young, they need me. I have so much going for me and no need to fuck it all up.

I have a friend whose dad died of drink in his 50s and that suddenly seems not far off and totally possible to happen to me

Senseless I’ve found reading the Catherine Grey book really eye opening. It’s helped me recognise some of my toxic drinking patterns.
I was getting quite worried about myself for a while, not helped by DS1 noticing and being upset.
I’m finding it OK being AF in the week now.
I think it would be fine to say you only drink with your boyfriend. It’s hard to stop once you start, and definitely after two drinks.
Maybe make some rules for your drinking that you can stick to.

Longest and Frouby DS1 is an anarchist. No regard for authority, strong willed and hot headed. He marches to the beat of his own drum, that one.
I think being a child is hard for kids like this. They are expected to know their place when they see the world as equal. They don’t do meek and subservient, which in adults we tend to admire. The expectations are different with kids. I’m not always sure it’s justified really, but I drove myself potty trying to instill a sense of respect into him.

Leaving school was the best thing to happen to DS1, along with me leaving his disciplinarian stepdad. He can finally be himself, and he’s so much more pleasant for it.

Senseless, sorry you're so worried. 💐 (seems inadequate but hey)

Day 3 AF here, about bloody time too.

BSD out the window, need to go back to it asap, ate a bloody Krispy Kreme earlier fgs.

Yes NC4. On the one hand she'd make my life way easier if she was more subservient. On the other hand, she doesn't owe it to me or anyone else to make our lives easier really - it's not an end in itself- so it's only when it's veering towards self sabotage that I feel I really have a moral case for stepping in. But then I wonder if I am creating a monster. And as much as I was half joking about my inferiority complex with posh barrister bloke, I have accidentally found myself in a bit of an alien world where most people I come across are from quite privileged backgrounds and a lot of the kids I know are pretty self assured in a way that I would never have been growing up. It isn't terribly attractive always, but equally I know that these kids will go far. And what do I want for my dds? Not success at all costs, that's for sure, but not crippling self doubt either. It's a difficult line to draw and I probably get it wildly wrong most of the time and am certainly nothing if not inconsistent. But I hope I am playing the long game. I'm frequently appalled by the black and white thinking on Mumsnet (not on this board, which is why it's so bloody refreshing) and my dds are definitely comfortable with shades of grey!

Senseless, I am sure this is anxiety talking. At the same time alcohol can feed that, so a moderation plan sounds like it could benefit your self esteem.

Dion, sending hugs. I don't know how you function on such little sleep. I'd be hallucinating.

Water, you are still doing so well. One Krispy kreme would not penetrate my guilt radar!

Ds definetly has his own drum! Its a big, loud, bangy one he isn't afraid to use. He's not bratty or spoiled and I don't think he has ever had a proper full on tantrum. He just struggles sometimes to do as he is told, and I don't think he understands why he should do as he is told. He's currently very respectful to the teaching staff at school thank fuck.

Dd was a completely different kettle of fish at that age and still struggles with confidence now. She struggles socially out of her friendship group, lacks confidence academically despite being very bright and even struggles with the ponies despite having a billionty riding lessons and being around ponies all her life.

Out of the 2 ds is actually easier at this age, you point him at something and he gets stuck in. Dd needed coaxing and encouraging and bribing to have a go. But am sure he won't be as easy as a teenager.

But I was more like ds growing up than dd and I did ok for myself so hoping he does the same. I think he needs lots of activities where he has to listen and do as he is told to instill a bit of discipline in him. Hence kayaking and next year I might do ponyclub with him.

There is nothing more terrifying than the DC of ponyclub bellowing across the school to hold on, sit bloody up and use your legs. You see the mums all flinch and straighten up with their coffees 😂😂😂.

Felt shocking last night, didn't bother with dinner and had toast instead. Had a really dodgy tummy for some reason. All crampy and bloated and tight. Feel ok this morning though.

Yes, I wish I could say dd1 wasn't bratty. She can be, and has got worse recently, and that's when I come down on her hard. I see rudeness as different from ungovernable wildness though, which she more often is - her imagination will be sparked by something, which is genuinely delightful, and I can drop her in most situations and rely on her to make the best of it. But she takes everything one step too far and be wound into a frenzy where stuff gets broken and my nerves are shot. But as much as I would love her to do as I ask without it escalating into chaos, and to do as her teachers ask too, in my heart of hearts I suppose I wonder to whose benefit that ultimately is? I don't want her to be a total outlaw and social outcast, obviously, but I am not sure I want obedience at the expense of everything else. I want her to pick her battles, I guess, which fx she is learning to. Once she gets over the upheaval of a new school year she builds a good relationship with her teachers and settles right down. She could go one of two directions really, the sky's the limit, but she could equally crash and burn. I worry about her.

Dd2 makes life much easier in many respects. She can be very whingy, which gets on my tits, and as stubborn as a mule, but she will listen to her teachers, want to follow the rules, play quietly with lego, drawing, happy in her own company. At the same time she will jump up in a restaurant and politely ask the waiter for a fork because she's struggling with chopsticks, and she's always ready to give biking or swimming or the massive slide a whirl. I feel I have got it right with her, but to my knowledge I have treated her exactly the same. She's just made of more malleable stuff. It'll be interesting to see how she gets on in life too.

Stuck to 1/2 bottle. Was sorely tempted but held firm. Tonight depends on how quickly barrister meeting finishes. If I get back in time to catch the end of my event then there's free wine and beer involved. If I miss it entirely it'll be home and bath.

I love hearing about all your children! you sound like amazing, dedicated, sensitive intuitive mothers.

I've ordered a couple of bottles of liver and kidney supplements and .... tomorrow is another day, I guess. Tomorrow which is now today. No booze yesterday. I won't drink today. Thanks for the reassurance.

The weekend - on paper I hardly have any time to drink - in reality that's when I tend to go off the rails as after a packed day of being "on" socially in school type situations I can really lose my off switch when finally home alone. I need to think up a strategy for something that isn't booze on Saturday night.

Heading into work now. Thank you for being here, you lovely people x

I’m not sure I consider myself amazing or intuitive but I do my best. My oldest went totally radge at me last week when I said ‘I’m not always the best mum in the world’. Gave me a serious bollocking and told me never to say that again 😂

I am wavering today. I just feel flat and utterly exhausted, and still haven’t got my brain back. I swear I get thicker as the years go on.

Went for a nice walk with my friend and her dog though. Fresh air, sunshine and company is all good for the soul, as is a pint of shandy in the beer garden.

Gym tonight, but I really want to just flop. O wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow. I want a day to just sort my house out. It needs a really good clean as opposed to a well meaning teenager clean. I really can’t complain, but I want to go under things and declutter.

Longest, you probably haven't done anything much differently, sometimes you get what you get imo. I read an article recently which said parenting makes little difference which made me feel better! We’ve gotta try though right?

I have my 5yo a telling off tonight for being a spoilt brat. She really can be and I think her friends must get sick of her. She talks non stop. And is hyper. I wonder is she is a little bit special needs. I then feel guilty for rollicking her!

Dry tonight... so far. So tired after a lot of driving. Dd2 decided today was day for potty training at 7am. Didn't go well but a bit better than last time we tried.

Senseless- read the Allen Carr book for women..It's quite inspiring. Or sober mummy diary. It gave me a real boost.

I’ve got ds, who is in his twenties and can be a bastard (but not always, he is lovely too) and dd, who is nearly 16 and much easier in some ways but we’ve had self harming and friendship issues etc so hey. It’s all hard ime.

I decided at lunchtime that I was going to have wine tonight. It’s been a tough week and tbh I haven’t felt much better for 3 days AF but that’s emotional distress for you I guess.

Seeing my counsellor tomorrow night then out for dinner with dh, who I’ve hardly seen all week. So I’ve had one large glass and will probably drink a bottle in bed later and I’ll feel fine tomorrow on that. I’m a bit “whatever gets you through the night” at the moment tbh. So a mixture of self love and indulgence is helping me. I’m pleased I’m still standing and haven't been carted off by men in white coats tbh.

Water - sounds fair. I think you know what you're doing!

I have two girls, 10 and 8. They are quite different from each other. I enjoy their company more than ever as they become more and more independent, caring, funny and kind. Of course they both have traits that drive me mad.

dd1: whenever she is tired or sad she gets extreme whingy munchhausens and she's the illest person in the world and she talks in a special fake invalid voice that drives me nuts. I am supposed to pretend she is dying of TB when she just needs a cuddle and an early night; and I'm the meanest mummy in the world because I don't believe in her impending demise.

dd2: is always pulling things out of drawers and cupboards and leaving them on the floor. I can pick the same thing up several times a day. I wouldn't mind if she was just playing with it but it seems madder and odder than that. Just: stuff on floor. All kinds of stuff. All floors.

But I know I am lucky because they are good kids and at the moment, they still think I am lovely and cool and they aren't ashamed of me and constantly avoiding me yet.

My supplements arrived. They're going to save my life, obv :)
I am drinking tea. It's nice. Everything is kind of ok right now.

Aw thanks Senseless, I am not sure you're right, I am very impatient and kind of shouty, but having dd2 so different does sometimes reassure me that's it's the hand you're dealt as much as anything.

Was feeling quite good after barrister bloke kind of vindicated what I have been saying and event was a cracking success by all accounts and is still going on (I popped in for 2 beers) but rang DH to say I was on my way and came down to earth with a bit of a bump. I wish he would at least pretend he's coping with putting the girls to bed sometimes so I don't have to feel guilty for having a job and maybe even a life. Bit annoyed but equally don't really have the energy for another row so mostly just feel a bit deflated.

Oh god I hate it when they do that. takes all the shine of something going well when you are getting the clear message that you really need to master the art of being in two places at once.

longest just block him out. Or call him on it, I do with DH. 'I'm not as good as you at ironing/cooking/life admin/kids, I find it so hard'. 'I know DH, that's why you need to practice, and the morw times you do it, the easier it gets'.

Or just tell him. 'Know it's hard for you to do x,y,z but I need to work/go out/have a life, so I would appreciate it if you could just crack on and not make a big deal out of it, because it makes me feel shit'.

But I bet you did a fab job on your barrister and shouldn't let a whinge about domestic drudgery take the shine off that.

Am dry tonight, took DS kayaking. He's nuts and brave and funny and kind and clever. Went all the way around to the slalom pond by himself, probably 500 meters, around a bend, under a bridge and it was quite choppy and blowy too. Had a go at everything the bigger kids did and struggled but kept going. Then in their fun time bit they were on a paddle board with all the kids joining in including a little girl who was about his age, but she was tiny and a bit nervous. She fell off the paddleboard (it's only shallow) and he jumped straight off to rescue her, took her by the hand and helped her back to the board.

Then he was a gobshite arguing to stay in when he was blue and shivering cos the other kids were, but the others were much older and not blue.

Dd stropping about her mocks. Apparently she will definetly fail chemistry tomorrow, her teacher is rubbish, she doesn't know the content, hasn't been taught it blah blah blah.

DH annoyingly drunk when I got home. And we ended up having chippy tea as no one wanted anything I had planned to cook. So now I feel fat.

Other than that am dry at least. Off to bed, have been so tired this week and not sure why. Am busy as usual but not horrendously so. Looking forward to the weekend already!

Longest Don't take any notice of DH's whinging, you're brilliant and he should be very grateful to have you. I know he isn't well, but that's no excuse for not appreciating your success in your professional life.

Senseless it sounds like you are feeling better about everything now, hope the supplements help!

I am bringing my kids up with the benign neglect mantra, I'm too busy to really look after them, so they just have to fit into my life. I'm not a 'mère poule' (mother hen mum), I know they'll leave home and will probably blame me for all their failings eventually (their father is very absent) so I'm happy to have a life now with DP and my sport so empty nest syndrome won't be a problem on the contrary I can't wait

Not related to anything really, but the use of supplements like magnesium and vitamins which have been mentioned. I watched a TV programme last night which looked at the nutritional benefits of fruit and veg now as compared to 60 years ago, and there are less than 50% of the vitamins and minerals now thanks to mass production in greenhouses.The same for industrial fruit and veg compared to individual producers who grow things in the soil.
Frouby won't suffer with her allotment, on the contrary, but for everyone who buys fresh fruit and veg in supermarkets, you really need the double of whatever you are eating to do you any good now. Apparently fruit and veg have to suffer in order to produce nutrients and taste (lack of water, too much water, whatever) and of course they don't suffer at all in the big industrial polytunnels.
Half a bottle with DP, not dry but not really wet.

madame you can certainly taste the difference in commercially produced veg. We are harvesting strawberries at the moment, have yet to get enough home for a portion, me and ds have been eating them on the way home 😍. They actually taste of strawberry.

Most stuff tastes much better and more intense. Even things like French beans, dd says they taste greener. And most commercial stuff must be covered in preservatives or something, fresh stuff doesn't last half as long.

Wow Frouby, you must be so proud, to think of him jumping in and rescuing the little girl, what a hero.

I did call dh on it in way. Well he said he noticed I was a bit pissed off, though also appreciated I was trying to hide it and not have a go. I said I would like it if he could pretend it wasn't a problem me going out occasionally. Who knows whether it'll have an impact. He asked me not to resent him for being ill. Which I don't really have an answer for. I resent the fact he is ill. I resent the fact he can't or won't put on a braver face as well, though I think some of that is his SEN - he really does a shit job of hiding any emotions. I don't overall resent him though - it's just something I have to live with.

Anyway, I have sent him out to pub quiz. Sounds counterintuitive but even if he feels shit I think it does him good to get out, and he wasn't much use to me here being a wet blanket. So I've managed to stop at the 2 bottles of beer and am in pjs with peppermint tea.

Madame, interesting about the veg. Though I am starting to think we are all fucked whatever and maybe we should just go down in a blaze of drink, drugs and shit veg...

Madame I'm quite a fan of benign neglect too. At least, I favour the path of least resistance which sometimes amounts to the same thing. The dds are actually at their sweetest with each other when I am not there to fight over.

That’s interesting Madame. I’ve been toying with the idea of trying to grow some fruit or veg in pots in my little back yard.
So far I’m only growing gin garnishes, but it would be good to grow my own something. Maybe Frouby can advise?

Frouby my heart swelled at your DS rescuing the little girl ❤️ What a lovely lad you’ve got there.

Glad you’re feeling more at peace Senseless.

And Longest this is why I prefer doing it all myself. I was once in a rare work meeting when DS2 was a baby and his dad had come round to babysit. Loads of missed calls on my phone, which given DS2 had a habit of having sudden, very severe asthma attacks had me panicking.
What was the emergency?
“Is DS allowed yogurt for pudding?” 🙈

Just let it wash over you, I say. Or do any of Frouby’s suggestions.

Cross posted with everybody.

Longest that is unfair of DH. It’s not that you resent him being ill, I don’t think. It’s the lack of support for you. It’s not that he can’t look after the children - it’s just easier for you.
I often think - “I don’t really care if they stay up past their bedtime and eat biscuits for tea. Just let me have some time to myself and I’ll deal with the fall out tomorrow.”

Have finally caught up (using my Coughing Hour usefully).

I'm loving reading about everyone's DC. Frouby, your hero DS is a little star.

Longest, I feel for you. No easy answers to any of this.

Senseless, I mean to say I love your username. And the way you write. Funnily, my DD does the "I am dying AND YOU DON'T CARE'' thing.

I also tend towards benign neglect nowadays. What I find hard is that I was essentially a SAHM for the whole time I was married, so the DC were used to that (I used to work when they were asleep, then when they were at school, so it never affected them). Then, more or less overnight, I wasn't a SAHM, and they were left to their own devices. I think they have found it hard. I have also found it hard - though at the same time, I feel guiltily grateful that they are old enough for me to shag DP during the daytime do my own thing while they do whatever it is they do. What's weird is that I'm hurtling towards having an empty nest, but this is not something that fills me with fear. I suppose I'll be glad if they're both doing something they like doing, and haven't gone horrendously off the rails by then.

Hugs, Water. I hope your session with the counsellor goes ok tomorrow.

AF tonight. Weirdly, I haven't really noticed it. Whereas other nights, every minute feels like five million years. And other nights, I just cave in. So I think that's two AF nights out of four this week. Not a patch on what some of you have managed recently, but relatively good for me.