First week of placement - really struggling.

[poppet31]

We are struggling so much, to the point where I'm worried this will not work out. It is day 6 of placement and the little boy we read about and saw during introductions is not the little boy we have brought home. He cries constantly, everything is a fight. Nappy changes, getting dressed, going in the high chair, buggy, car seat. Is used to a busy foster house with lots of kids so hates being stuck at home with us. But getting out with him is almost impossible because the car seat and buggy is a two man job and he is fighting is at every turn. I know he is grieving for his foster family (2 and has lived with them since birth) and is scared and confused. I know it's not his fault. I read all the books and thought I could cope but the reality is so much harder than I ever expected. If I thought this would get better, then I'd feel more able to manage, but after a week of this, my husband and I are exhausted. Please tell me it gets easier?

I remember getting so frustrated with lo when we first brought her home. She screamed herself to sleep for a week and then spent most her days whining. It really grated on me and I remember DH making a coment one weekend about feeling sorry I had to spend every day listening to it.
Now 3 years later I am mortified that we ever felt that way.
Imagine having a happy life, all you have ever known and one unsuspecting day, 2 strangers turn up and start hanging out with you for a few days before bundling you into a car and taking you somewhere you have never been before.
You don't really know them, you don't know your surroundings and no one speaks your language. How do you tell them you aren't happy? That you are scared?

I too felt I was more empathetic but it turns out that most of us have a threshold! I liken theirexperience to the young girls in Africa who are kidnapped from their tribe and made to marry gang members. They are traumatised. Your lo is traumatised.
When they settle and feel less scared, it will get easier.

Totally feel your pain ;(
We are 4 years in.
The first few months were so hard....I wish I could turn back the clock and change it. Our lo was so challenging...high energy...no sleep it was relentless. It gets easier. Honestly. Just one hour at a time. I feel I had so many expectations and it makes me sad it never happened. We have these children who are going through so much,their confused little minds are difficult to soothe. But time helps and I love our lo more than anything. I hope thinks get easier for you.

It does get easier! In the early days the days seem to go on forever!

Make his world small for the next few weeks. Keep outings short, a short walk to the park or a shop and home again. Order shopping online, ask family and friends to drop off meals on the doorstep and take washing away to do for you. If the car seat is a problem, for now limit trips out in it. He is a very frightened and bewildered boy, which I know you know and I understand. He needs to feel secure with you and your husband before he is exposed to much else. This however is exhausting and draining. Tag team with you dear husband. Take it in turns to get up in the morning with him so that every other day one of you gets a lie in or a long quiet bath to start the day. Take it in turns throughout the day to disappear to the bedroom with a cup of tea. It is amazing how half an hour of mindless surfing on your phone, or reading a book can help.

How long have you got with both of you off together? I assume one of you will be going back to work while the other remains at home. When our lo’s (2&3) came home my DH was at home for the first 6 weeks post move day. I can honestly say the placement would not have survived him going back any earlier than maybe week 5. We needed almost every day he had off. Most of this time was unpaid parental leave. If one of you is due back soon consider extending that by asking to take unpaid parental leave. This is an entitlement that you have. You are entitled to take up to 4 weeks a year unpaid leave for the first 5 years of a child’s life or 5 years following adoption. Immediately after placement for adoption an employer can not refuse this. So basically if you think you need longer with both of you at home
to secure things make it happen.

It does get better, days stop seeming so long, battles do lessen and children do begin to settle.

Just keep holding on. This is a hard, hard, hard time. Did I mention it's hard? I glibly tell people now that the early days were horrendous because LO was in deep grief and they absolutely didn't want ME to comfort them, they wanted the person they were missing. And on top of that were non-verbal so even if they could have told me such a complex set of feelings, they couldn't get their feelings out other than by alternately screaming or turning away from me. That's a few sentences that gloss over long days and endless nights of feeling utterly useless and panic-stricken.

Half an hour at a time. Lots of tea. Drop your standards in just about everything. Slowly they will get used to having you alongside them, then gradually they will want you there, and eventually they will insist you are there and you will long for the days you could wee unwitnessed. But it takes a lot of time, and it feels like you're getting it all wrong and making no progress and can't do this at all...but you can. Slowly, tiny chunks at a time. Lots of little low pressure ways to connect, passing them blocks when they're building, praising them, narrating what you're doing so they get used to your voice as part of their landscape. You can describe feelings for them too, reassure them you see their worries and sadness and you're right there beside them.

Take turns if you have a partner. If you don't, book friend phone calls or quiet coffee visits to you after LO is in bed - you need some opportunities to offload.

Hi poppet,

I’m a few weeks ahead of you, 3 weeks into placement. The day before she moved in and first 2/3 days after, I felt physically sick with worry and dread each night after she’d gone to bed, I was so rattled by the huge changes going on and not feeling any of the love or enjoyment that I’d pictured. 3 weeks on I’m feeling better and some of the early issues we had we have ironed out.

I agree with others if you can avoid things that cause a problem for now (like the car seat) then just do so.

We found coming up with a list of things to use as distractions was helpful and were shameless about using these things to smooth over tough patches (giving snacks in the buggy as she hated being strapped in, songs that distracted her or letting her hold forbidden things like the remote during nappy changes, tv on to cut nails etc).

We also kept a diary which has helped us pinpoint the times of the day she’s more likely to be grizzly and we pull out all the stops then, e.g. putting away the toys which make her frustrated and keeping her distracted.

Definitely taking two of us at the moment and giving each other lie ins and breaks has helped massively.

PM if you need to xx

OP hang on in there, it will get easier.

I don't know how I survived those first months. My mum said "you must be on cloud 9" but I secretly thought "what on earth have we done?".

When my husband went back to work after 2 weeks paternity leave, I watched him drive off and felt so jealous. Our beautiful 18 month old DD was avoidant and didn't want our cuddles or our love. Things changed slowly and we had to be very patient, but a year later everything felt easier and very different.

She's almost 16 now and developing into an amazing young woman who I'm so proud of. Hang on in there. Find out if there are any adopters groups/coffee mornings. We attended a regular coffee morning and meeting other adopters was a lifesaver!

I was adopted at a young age and spent the first week being walked up and down all night every night screeching my head off, hyperventilating and in my parents words “panicking”.

I am in my 30s now and could not be happier. Am incredibly close to my dad (adoptive mum a few years ago) but am sure in those early days he though too will this ever end.

In those days there was no understanding of trauma as “babies don’t remember”. The great thing is you know and understand why this is happening which in turn helps your child. This too shall pass - let him grieve and things will get easier.

Hi OP,
We're a few weeks a head of you, just coming into week 5 post placement day.

Similar to Dash, I too felt physically sick the first 3-4 days into placement. The immediate changes in you as a person & your lifestyle is absolutely astonishing. Some family have been gushing & think that we're so happy now we're a family, but those very early days were an absolute nightmare.

Other family have been great & have just been there available for us to off-load.

Our SW has also been amazing & rang us each night from the first day of intros until the first LAC Review (which was 2 weeks post placement - 3 weeks in total, weekends included).

LO (just 3, but functioning much younger) was litterally like a Tasmanian Devil when she was dropped off by the SW and FC that first day. She litterally didn't stop, was into everything & not listening to a word. By bedtime we were both physically, mentally & emotionally drained.

Baring in mind we'd just completed a 10 day intro period, over 300 miles away from home aswell. She arrived within 18 hours of us landing back home, I hadn't even so much as put the washing on!

So not only did I feel out of my depth in terms of being a mother, I also felt completely out of control in respect of making sure that the house was in order before LO landed.

Some days have been harder than others. We had days where she wouldn't listen to a word & kept calling us dinosaurs (I assume because we were putting the boundaires in & She didn't like our tone) this made us feel awful but it was only to ensure her safety.

4 weeks later & She's settled well. She's met some family which has helped break the days up, otherwise I think we would have both gone insane.

Try and lean on each other, youll probably find that your LO will lean to one parent more than the other. (Ours does) take moments out of the situation. Take yourself off of an evening if you can.

Repair yourselves & it will get better

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I think we are at risk of disruption. I tried to put his jacket on today and he has literally trashed the house. Pulled lamps on to the floor, throwing things at me. Has head butted me in the face and kicked me. My husband has taken him out while I put the house (and myself) back together. We always said we weren't willing to take on a child who was physically violent. I honestly feel like I hate him today. I am sitting here in tears and I just can't see how this can work.

oh @poppet31 , its so tough, its such early days, now is the time to really dig in.
You know he is a terrified baby, but you have seen the little boy he can be. Hang on to that. Take it one hour at a time.
You mention disruption - please,please do not act in haste. I've seen several adopters over the last few years disrupt in the very early stages and immediately regretted it.
Is it worth a call to the FC to see if they have any advice on soothing him.
Its such very early days, I bet you have barely unpacked his stuff. Hang on in there, it does get better.

So sorry to hear how hard it has been today. Do you know if he exhibited these behaviors whilst in fc? If this is part of a pattern then that is I would imagine harder to deal with than a possible one off reaction to grief.

Good morning poppet.

I have just saw your post and felt compelled to create an account. You sound like you are utterly distraught. This was me about 8 months ago.

I have a birth child who was 5 and adopted my son who was 3 when he joined our family. On paper he was perfect. Reality set in after a week or two and it was awful. Dropping my eldest at school, he sat down and refused to eat in the buggy. He so I went to lift him up and he punched me square in the face. I was mortified. The social worker came out later (planned visit) and I cornered her. You said there was no violence. I can’t have him hurting my daughter etc etc. I was distraught. Her answer “oh I didn’t think we would see any trauma behaviours for years yet” (my son was so emotionally closed down). I could have punched her myself!! That was the start of the trauma behaviour.

Over the next few months I was ready for walking out on several occasions. But it does get easier. You learn how to support your child. You learn the signs of when they are going to lose it. You grow as a person a couple and a family.

I’m not sure why I want to tell you his but I want you to know you are not alone. You’ve done the right hing. Straighten your house up. Cry. Have a cup of tea and take a deep breath. It gets easier but it is the most difficult thing you will ever do. You can do it.

Thinking of you and your family

Hello, hope you are doing OK, I just wanted to say about the hitting. We are now 6 months in and for the first 4 months I was getting hit daily by our LO, my DH was not which made it harder. I think LO didn't understand d the point of me because I was doing the things that FC did, and she didn't need me for that, so when was FC coming back to do it. It really hurt me emotionally (as well as physically), but LO was a pre-verbal 2yo and didn't know how to tell me she was hurting, so when she hit I brought her close and held on to her until it stopped, because I also need to be the person who comforts her. It was hard, really hard, but consistency has won through and I actually can't remember the last time she hit me.
Its not about you, it's not your fault, but yes it feels shit. Hang on in there xxx

We also did a lot of work on naming emotions, and 'I wonder if you are angry with me bc you miss FC, it's OK to miss her, you must feel very sad' 'I wonder if you are feeling sad today, can I help you to feel happier?' etc x

Poppet hang in there . I am a foster carer as well as an adoptor and honestly every time a new child has arrived it has felt all wrong and I have massively panicked over whether I have done the right thing or not, it is totally natural.
And the violence is a child who is fighting to survive in the only way he can because he cannot tell you how he feels even if he could understand it ( which he can't of course ).
It will get better and Ted is right . I have also followed those threads where adoptors disrupt in the early days and they quickly regret it but then sadly it is too late. Was the coat incident his way of telling you he doesn't want to go out . Maybe he is too scared of where he will be taken as his last trip resulted in him being moved to somewhere new. I would batton down the hatches and stay in but take breaks if you can when he is asleep. Go for coffee with a friend, cry , rant etc etc . You will get through it .We are all here to offer support so don't feel alone xxx

I tried to put his jacket on today and he has literally trashed the house. Pulled lamps on to the floor, throwing things at me. Has head butted me in the face and kicked me. My husband has taken him out while I put the house (and myself) back together.

That sounds incredibly hard - I’m not surprised you’re thinking disruption. He’s still very little, and totally not in control of his own behaviour, it sounds like something has triggered his fight or flight response (quite literally), while knowing that doesn’t help when you’re in the midst of it, it might help you think about how to make things feel safer for him.

I’d echo others, keep his world very small - even to having just one or two rooms that he has access to just now. Move breakable things out of reach, have lots of soft toys, cushions etc in the rooms hat he’s in so if he does loose it, he can’t injure himself or you. Don’t approach or try to touch him when he’s in fight mode, be with him nearby but having child proofed the room let him work it out of his system then be on hand to comfort him and talk to him. At that point you can help him make sense of his feelings, talking about how scared, angry, hurt etc he looked.

If he’s hitting you, it’s ok to gently restrain or redirect him - I’m guessing he was in such a state he was lashing out at everyone and everything. He’ll be terrified, and have feelings that are way too big for a little person to cope with and he’ll also likely regress to a younger age, so even less able to express himself.

Things that helped me in those early stages were not having a timetable where we needed to be anywhere so if they weren’t for getting dressed, or getting in the car, or putting shoes on it didn’t matter. We kept them very close to home, they too had a very busy foster home and really needed to grieve that loss and the grief took lots of different forms. We ordered shopping online, took turns in doing errands, tag teamed each other so neither of us were left on our own for too long. If there something you know calms him, do lots of it. My two liked water so spent long tines in the bath, going swimming, in paddling pools, the trampoline also helped them discharge the adrenaline in their system.

At the moment your little one is in survival mode, and so are you. Your entire world has turned on it’s head. In the best of circumstances you’d be wondering what the hell you’ve done - those feelings might be exacerbated by the challenges your facing just now. Your responses will be totally out of character because you don’t know how to do it yet, so feeling about for what might make it a tiny bit easier while thinking you’re doing it all wrong... not that I’ve been there.

Don’t listen to all the “enjoy your baby” comments, or to folk who don’t get how hard it is. It feels impossible at times - I remember thinking a few times that we might not make it, those thoughts are so normal. Access lots of support from people who will listen without judgement.

You’re doing such a fantastic job. It may not feel that way, but you are.

All I can say is this was me, for the first 2 weeks when our LO came home. He would cry, seemed to hate me, would scratch and hit out. I struggled, a lot, to the point I wanted to send him back.

My husband was amazing, he took him away if I was struggling, would give me time, but I also realised our LO was scared, he'd been taken from a place he knows to living with strangers. There's new faces, sounds, smells, and it's all unfamiliar and really scary.

I put myself in his shoes, spent more time with him on my own, and things got better.

That was 1 1/2 years ago, and he is now my amazing little boy who I would die for. The love I have for him is unconditional. And it's not always easy, but he is a child, and they can't communicate emotions like we can.

A week isn't long, and yes he is hitting out, but try and be patient and remember this isn't personal to you.

The beginning of placements is always dreadful! They are tiny little traumatised strangers who come in and change your whole life.

As others have said I think you would forever regret disrupting as much as you must feel desperate for all this to be finished.

We always set ourselves little reviews, we think we will do this for two weeks and then see how we are feeling and just keep doing that. It is much easier to think about coping for two weeks than forever!

I hope things improve and you feel less overwhelmed.

I took on my sisters son, I had never met him and he had a really difficult start as well. He had just turned two, the first week was really awful, I ended up getting a train to my ex boyfriends mums house with the intention of dropping him off and going home.

He didn’t want anything to do with him so I gave him space, watched from a distance and only got physically near him when absolutely necessary, like nappy changes. The only time he didn’t scream when I was near him was in bed.

He’s now been with me for just over two years, so not very long at all, but he has a fairly secure attachment to me when you consider how long he has been with me. He also never leaves me alone and has to be touching me all the time, tonight he cried as I wouldn’t hold his hand while he did a poo.

If he doesn’t like the high chair, getting dressed etc then don’t bother, just do the absolutely necessary things for a little while. My son was nappies only unless I had to leave the flat as he would scream until he was sick during undressing (dressing however was fine), that went on for about 2-3 weeks, so not that long really.

Now I can look at it rationally, if a person was seriously physically abused and starved by a partner, then lost the safe person they had lived with to live with a complete stranger in a strange place how would we cope as adults who could understand the situation.

We are 14 months in. The first weeks were horrendous. Looking back I actually don’t know how we got through.

DS lashed out all the time, particularly at me, hitting, head butting, biting etc. He was pre-verbal (speech delay) he was just angry and frustrated all the time.

Things came to a head when DH had to go in hospital for three days with an infected hair follicle of all things. I was convinced I couldn’t get through it, and in the end I broke down to the GP and DH.

What saved my sanity was putting him in the pram, putting my headphones in and running or walking or a mix of the two for a good hour each day. He hated the pram, but I just stuck music on and powered through. Eventually he stopped screaming and gradually things have improved.

Looking back now I’m still not sure how we got through those first weeks, but we did, and we’re getting there. We still have tough days, but there are great days too, the balance has definitely tipped more to the good.

I really, really hope you can see the light soon. The days can be long and tiring. We had to sit beside our lo every night til she fell asleep. She had so much energy it was so hard...really hard. Trying to channel it all was exhausting. My eyes literally felt like they were on fire they were so tired. Please consider if you should seek some advice from foster carers. Sending you hugs xx

Have you seen your/his social worker since he moved in? We had twice weekly visits (the kids SW and our SW) for the first 4 weeks which sounds like a lot but actually provided the space for me to get support without needing to ask for help if you see what I mean. Knowing that at some point someone would stop by and ask me how it’s going helped enormously and they weren’t at all fazed by me being upset, tearful or anxious. They knew my child and could help me think of strategies to manage behaviour and cope generally.

If they haven’t visited, ask them to pop out.

@poppet31, how are you doing, how was the rest of the day? I have been thinking about you all day.

I think these situations and these feelings happen so much in adoption, and it’s not very well understood. I was the same as you, reading up and very knowledgeable about all the issues but didn’t really get it at all until it was reality.

I completely empathise with how you’re feeling and think you must deep down be almost hoping the SWs will take the decision out of your hands. I think the way you’re feeling sounds very understandable but also agree with others disrupting at this very early stage may be something which brings you relief but regrets.

Everyone who struggled in the early days seems to say the same thing - it will get easier, the love will come, we wouldn’t be without them now, it will be worth it. I’m sure you can trust this to be true but you'll need to get through the tough bit.

I would say to follow the advice others have given and to tell the SWs involved the difficulties you’re having and spell out the seriousness of this, requesting support ASAP.

Keep talking if it helps, we’re all here for you xx

@poppet31 - we are seven weeks in, and not going to lie it has been bloody tough..

On more than one occasion we have wondered if the placement would "disrupt" to use the correct term.

However, each week we seem to get a bit nearer to what you might consider 'normal' life.

I never expected it to be this hard, but perhaps that was us being naive given we have a 12 y/o as well.

Keep coming back to us each day - we are a virtual support network - especially if your 'real life' one turns out not to be too ace!