First week of placement - really struggling.

[poppet31]

We are struggling so much, to the point where I'm worried this will not work out. It is day 6 of placement and the little boy we read about and saw during introductions is not the little boy we have brought home. He cries constantly, everything is a fight. Nappy changes, getting dressed, going in the high chair, buggy, car seat. Is used to a busy foster house with lots of kids so hates being stuck at home with us. But getting out with him is almost impossible because the car seat and buggy is a two man job and he is fighting is at every turn. I know he is grieving for his foster family (2 and has lived with them since birth) and is scared and confused. I know it's not his fault. I read all the books and thought I could cope but the reality is so much harder than I ever expected. If I thought this would get better, then I'd feel more able to manage, but after a week of this, my husband and I are exhausted. Please tell me it gets easier?

Great updates. Hold onto "He says 'home' every time we approach the house and it breaks my heart. I want to protect him forever and give him the life he deserves." When things are tough because that really is lovely.

Hi poppet....hope things are going ok with you all. Popping back to see how its going xx

Hi yabba. Lots of ups and downs. I keep feeling like it's one step forward and two steps back. We were doing much better and then little one started nursery and we've (understandably) seen regression. People keep saying 'oh I bet you can't wait until Christmas, it will be so lovely.' Honestly, I have barely thought about it. We're still just trying to get through each day. I keep waiting for the day that we actually enjoy being a family and aren't just in survival mode.

We're still just trying to get through each day. I keep waiting for the day that we actually enjoy being a family and aren't just in survival mode.
This afternoon I did some crafting and had a cup of tea while the kids played on Xbox, I made a roast dinner with a glass of wine while they played upstairs - at one point I would have thought that would never ever happen. Take it a day at a time, really hold on to anything that feels slightly easier and look for progress over months or seasons (compare this winter with last when you get there). Honestly it may take a while to understand what your family life will look like but you sound like you’ll get there.

Keep christmas this year very low key with absolutely no expectations. A few decorations, a few presents and normal routine and structure. There will be plenty of time for the big exciting Christmas’s in years to come. Keep it as a normal day (except count the turkey and have a larger glass of wine than normal). Christmas can be an incredibly stressful time for our children, even for those who are not newly placed and grieving all they have known before. Do not allow other family members to put expectations on your also. It sounds like you are doing ok, it truly is one step at a time and slowly you will see a change.

Completely agree with Thepinklady77 keep Christmas simple.

Keep on, keeping on.

So much pressure at christmas for people. Be kind to yourselves. Xx

Agree with everyone about no expectations for Xmas. Even to the point of minimal presents.

There will come a time when you realise you have not needed to 'survive' for a couple of hours. Eventually you will realise that you've had a day or two. And even further down the line your LO will have a meltdown and you will realise that they haven't done that for months!

I read somewhere that it is repetition that builds us into families. The daily repetition of getting up, meals, bathtime, bedtime etc (DD is 12 and still insists that I dry her after her shower!). Weekly repetitions of school/work followed by weekends, the things you as a family 'always' do e.g. a takeaway on a Friday, or Sunday afternoon walk. Then school terms/holidays, then yearly repetitions of Xmas, birthdays etc.

This will be our tenth Xmas, and we feel well and truly 'glued' together, after plenty of crisis and wondering if we would 'make it'. Hang on in.

Also, keep in mind that parenting a child who has experienced trauma does mess with your head. It is NOT normal to respond to hostility with warmth and openness, and no matter how much you know, rationally, where it comes from, your body will also be responding to that hostility automatically.

Many, many adopters, myself included, end up experiencing depression, anxiety, and extreme stress reactions. Don't hesitate to get help if you need it.

I am not saying this to be negative - I adore my girls and am bursting with pride at how far they have come, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Hiya I was just wondering how you are and if things are a little easier for you all now xx

Hi all. Apologies for not updating this thread lately. As you may have seen from my other thread, my husband has been suffering from depression so life has been difficult.

In terms of little one, we are seeing great progress. 3 or 4 good days for every bad one now and he seems a lot more attached to me. We still have very difficult behaviour but it's not all day every day. Nursery has been a lifesaver for us and little one loves it (although always hysterical at drop off which makes me feel shit but is understandable.) Without those two afternoons of restbite, I do wonder if our placement may have failed.

I can see a future now where life will be happier for all of us. I was just so hopeless, even a month ago. To anyone struggling in those early weeks, it does get a little easier in time.

So good to hear!

DD2 ALWAYS had a complete meltdown after pre-school, at the same place on our journey home about 3 minutes after leaving. To the extent that sometimes I would have to stop the car because it wasn't safe to drive, and just hold her until she calmed down. But we would not have survived without that time away from each other.

These days, we go for weeks without a meltdown. Though, aged 12, the attitude is kicking in