First week of placement - really struggling.

[poppet31]

We are struggling so much, to the point where I'm worried this will not work out. It is day 6 of placement and the little boy we read about and saw during introductions is not the little boy we have brought home. He cries constantly, everything is a fight. Nappy changes, getting dressed, going in the high chair, buggy, car seat. Is used to a busy foster house with lots of kids so hates being stuck at home with us. But getting out with him is almost impossible because the car seat and buggy is a two man job and he is fighting is at every turn. I know he is grieving for his foster family (2 and has lived with them since birth) and is scared and confused. I know it's not his fault. I read all the books and thought I could cope but the reality is so much harder than I ever expected. If I thought this would get better, then I'd feel more able to manage, but after a week of this, my husband and I are exhausted. Please tell me it gets easier?

Hang in there OP. As someone else said not so long ago you had hope, and that will return.

Remember the situation is dynamic and will change rapidly and often seemingly without reason. Our LO bit me so hard last week that it drew blood and left an enormous bruise, just as I thought we had moved past all the violence. He also returned to banging his head and biting himself, so in many ways it feels like back to square one although there are steps forward.

This is a long and difficult process. Keep speaking and say your honest feelings out loud... it’s ok, normal even, not to love them at this point (or some days to like them!!). The important thing right now is to keep showing up and being there, but you need to look after yourself to do that. Whatever makes you feel good is the best place to start. Me and my partner take it in turns to give the other the afternoon off to go to the cinema with family or friends, go for a coffee, anything just to recharge really.

This is an incredible and unbelievably difficult task you have undertaken, so don’t be hard on yourself and always remember that you are not alone.

You said before that he's better outside. Sorry I'm new to the thread. Have things deteriorated coz you've been cooped up because of the weather? Could you get out to play in the autumn leaves even if you get wet

I sometimes think it was pure stubbornness and pride that kept me grimly going in the early months. Sleep was terrible, and the head banging was terrifying. I completely understand "helpless" as a description. I would add "relentless" too.

I had a VERY good social worker who came weekly and encouraged, and got us a quick referral into attachment psych. I should have listened more to the advice to look after myself (but single adopter so it seemed impossible!)

What support are you getting? You are pouring yourself out every night and day for your child, and as yet the child's not able to give anything back except show you their pain (although it is a hugely brave thing for the child to do that, to make themselves vulnerable by showing you their grief - it's a big sign of trust) so what support can you get to put something back into you? Make a list of things and force yourself to do one of them: a cup of coffee on your own or with a friend, a walk on your own, a phone call to someone you can be honest with, a lot of cake...? But at the same time, lean hard on the SWs to put support in. Can they be making a referral now for things like theraplay, via the adoption support fund if necessary? Are there local peer support groups for adopters? Is there an adopter buddy scheme?

This time can be so bloody isolating, my feeling is you need just one real life person who truly gets it and who can help without judging. It is incredibly hard being alongside a child in deep emotional pain. The SWs also need to step up here because you and your child need more.

poor wee lamb. For what its worth I don't think you have been lied to about him. As you recognise he is terrified and grieving, he cannot verbalise those emotions but no one could have predicted how he would react. But I can understand that you fear that this could be the future.
My son is now 15, he is actually a very sensitive and kind soul, but there have been times in the past when he has been very agressive for extended periods. Outsiders are usually shocked if I tell them because its just not him - but it is him under extreme stress.
We had one of those blissful starts, followed by 6 months of hell. He was older at 8 years old so remembers his feelings very well. Its only now he is 15 that he can tell just how terrified he was, and this was an older child with more understanding of what was happening.
We got through it, and I think you can too, but you will have to dig very, very deep and play a long game here.
Flatheadscrewdriver's post resonates with me. What support are you getting from SWs?
one specific thing I would suggest is that you consider asking for training on safe holding as a matter if urgency to protect both you and him. I had to restrain my son on several occassions. It sounds awful, and it was, but it stopped him hurting himself.

Thinking of you and your family. Hope things are better and you’ve had a more positive day. Also, hope you are looking after yourself and accessing some support.

Let us know how you are getting on. Sometimes just knowing you are n out along will help you through it

Thinking of you.
Hope you've had a few better days since your last post. Your doing amazing
X

Thank you. We have had a better few days. So many ups and downs. Thurs and fri were horrific. I really felt at breaking point on fri night. Weekend was decent, Monday was a bad day and then we have had good days tues and weds with no more lashing out at me (still lots of head banging.) A family member came over to babysit while he was in bed on tues and we got out for a couple of hours which made the world of difference. He's also starting nursery 2 afternoons a week soon which I think we all need.

We are having weekly theraplay. I'm not sure how much it's helping but he seems to enjoy it. I really can't praise our agency enough for the support they are providing. His social worker on the other hand couldn't really be any more useless. When I spoke to him about therapeutic parent he said 'oh I wouldn't know anything about that, I've never read a book.'

Poppet, that's truly disgusting of the child's social worker! You should make a formal complaint.

Have you found that the child is completely different to what you read on the CPR etc?

Glad that your getting out and about with DH. You need to make as much time as possible for normality. Have you been offered counselling? Have you noticed a pattern with the headbanging?

How are things this week op?

Hi Mooey. Things seem better. Thanks for asking. We might have turned a corner, although I have thought that before and then totally jinxed it!

Little one seems a lot more settled. Transitions are still very difficult, especially nappies, bath times and getting in and out of the buggy. But he seems a lot happier to be around me and has actually become very clingy in the last few days - wanting constantly picked up etc (which of course brings its own set of problems, but better than the aggression we were seeing before.)

He still majorly overreacts to most things and there are some difficult behaviours that I find really hard to understand, although I am trying my hardest to empathise.

I feel like we are past the point where we think this might not work. DH and I both agree that we could not give up on him now. Saying that, we are still very much mourning our old lives and if I could turn back time, I'm not sure I would do it again, as horrible as that sounds.

But there are moments every day where I feel massively proud of this little person. His speech is coming along brilliantly. He is funny and has an amazing little personality. He adores music and dances to every tv theme song. He is kind to the cat, despite the fact she has no time for him whatsoever! He says 'home' every time we approach the house and it breaks my heart. I want to protect him forever and give him the life he deserves.

Popper thsts great news. So pleased. X

Hi Poppet, really great to read your latest update! We have similar feelings in hindsight about not being sure at this moment if we would have done things the way we have, but we absolutely would not go back now.
Our little people need us, even if they make it very difficult for us to be there for them. Well done for preserving this far and keep posting :)

poppet, I must have something in my eye...

My 7yo still massively overreacts to everything - he’s been home 6yrs. But once you know it’s a massive overreaction it’s much easier to react to it normally, IYSWIM.

💐

I feel like we are past the point where we think this might not work. DH and I both agree that we could not give up on him now. Saying that, we are still very much mourning our old lives and if I could turn back time, I'm not sure I would do it again, as horrible as that sounds.

It's ok to feel like that. Birth parents do, too, sometimes.

I want to protect him forever and give him the life he deserves.
And one day, you'll realize that this feeling of duty, has become love, without you knowing when or how. I wish I could pinpoint when that changed for me, but I can't. I just know I love birth and adoptive children equally and totally. You're doing amazingly.

Thanks everyone. It's easy to focus on the negatives but I think we are starting to notice real progress. Little one had his settling in session at nursery today and was a star. At pick up time I got a huge hug and he clung on to me for about 5mins. He was only there for 2 hours but I genuinely missed him and I think he was glad to see me too. After so many weeks of aggression towards me, it's lovely to see that he is starting to see me as a safe person.

poppet, that’s lovely to hear.

My DD (3 at placement) started nursery about 6 weeks after she came home - I credit that almost entirely with saving all of us.

💐

My DD (3 at placement) started nursery about 6 weeks after she came home - I credit that almost entirely with saving all of us.

My two were in school and nursery 8 weeks after coming home, that absolutely saved my sanity and theirs. Whatever it takes.

Thanks so much for this. I've been feeling so guilty because it's such early days and in an ideal world, we would have waited longer before sending him to nursery. But he's so needing it. He loves being around children so much and to be honest, I need the restbite too. I hope we've made the right decision.

Only two afternoons a week for now.

wow, what progress. Nursery sounds like a great idea. Well done for hanging on in there.
You will have ups and downs but it looks like you are heading in the right direction

I think it’s so important to recognise your own needs in this, two afternoon will give you space for yourself - please don’t be tempted to fill that time with housework etc use it to catch your breathe and for self care.

I've been feeling so guilty because it's such early days and in an ideal world, we would have waited longer before sending him to nursery.

It gave DD a break from the intensity of being home, where she was always incredibly stressed and competing for attention with younger sib and it just gave her a chance to be a normal kid. We used screentime the same way too - watching tv gave her a break from being fraught.

In an ideal world, she wouldn’t have found being at home stressful, but she did, so...

That’s why it’s vital not to compare yourselves to other (normal) families. Or to the parent you imagined you might be.

No guilt. 💐

(I wish someone had told me similar about not needing to do family meal times - god, when I think what I put us all though...!)

Lovely update. Have you considered a sling/carrier for bonding/closeness/times when he wants to cling to you? I run a sling library and could put you in touch with your local one or organise a postal hire for you, no charge.

OP your honesty in your posts is refreshingly inspiring. It sounds like hell of a hard journey you are on. I'm in the early stages of looking into adoption and, although I completely appreciate that your posts are not done with this intention, it's been a grounder for me to read about the realities of how difficult the journey may be, and why it may be that hard. Everyone who has responded to OP, thank you too.
Wishing you and your family all the best OP. I think I'm nearly ready to start my journey too x