First week of placement - really struggling.

[poppet31]

We are struggling so much, to the point where I'm worried this will not work out. It is day 6 of placement and the little boy we read about and saw during introductions is not the little boy we have brought home. He cries constantly, everything is a fight. Nappy changes, getting dressed, going in the high chair, buggy, car seat. Is used to a busy foster house with lots of kids so hates being stuck at home with us. But getting out with him is almost impossible because the car seat and buggy is a two man job and he is fighting is at every turn. I know he is grieving for his foster family (2 and has lived with them since birth) and is scared and confused. I know it's not his fault. I read all the books and thought I could cope but the reality is so much harder than I ever expected. If I thought this would get better, then I'd feel more able to manage, but after a week of this, my husband and I are exhausted. Please tell me it gets easier?

it still just feels like an extended babysitting job

This is normal. I had this feeling with my birth child too. Wouldn't swap the BC or AC now, though. You've not long since met, of course love takes time. Try and tone down your expectations of yourself, you'll get there.

I want to love him but I'm just not there yet. He makes me laugh a lot and I am so proud of him and want to protect him but I don't feel the way I thought i would.

Wanting to love him is a really good start, remember that you too are coping with a massive transition- you won’t be responding to lots of things in the way you thought you might. There is love in waking with him in the morning, feeding him, changing him and laughing with him. There’s love in the crying over him, crying about him, being hugged, slapped and bitten by him. There’s love in there every day you wake up and do it all over again. And then, one day, you look at them and you know you’d kill for them without a second thought.

Don’t worry about the love, it takes care of itself.

@poppet31 my son was 8 when he came home. He told me he loved me on day 3 of intros when he fell down a slide and whacked his head. I said it back because he needed to hear it ( I was just terrified I'd broken him before I'd got him home!)
We said it a lot, neither of us really meant it, and then one day I realised that I did. He is 15 now and we have had a lot of therapy and are able to talk about the hard stuff. I asked why he said it so soon and he said I thought thats what you wanted to hear but I didnt mean it, but I didn't want to have to move again. And then one day I realised I meant it.

At the moment you are strangers - why would you love a stranger? A lot of adopters will say fake it till you make it. Right now its your commitment to him that matters, he makes you laugh, you feel proud of him. Your relationship will grow, love will creep up on you.
Don't feel pressured because you don't feel something everyone tell you should feel. It will happen in its own time.

Hey poppet really good to read your updates and hear things are a bit better. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job - best babysitting service ever! Just wanted to say I empathise with that babysitting feeling and the lack of love/enjoyment/being thrilled etc. It feels like an arranged marriage where it is growing over time. I can feel I’m getting there with the bonding though and little one is with us, it sounds like you are too x

Hang in there. There are plenty of parents who are wondering if they made the right decision 6 days after the birth of a new baby.
It's not exactly the same thing I know but this can be a difficult time.

I remember hearing story about a family who adopted a child from Russia and they really struggled initially. One day the dad dropped something and it made a big clatter and the child started laughing and so they just started a game where they all dropped things and laughed. It was so silly but there was a connection there finally. You'll find something like that.
Don't give up. He needs you and you might not realise it but you need him too.

We have had a difficult day today. Little one has cried pretty much constantly. He has been inconsolable, even at bath time, which he normally loves. At bedtime, he just lay and cuddled my husband for half an hour and didn't say a word. Looked like he was in his own wee world (normally never shuts up!) it's just horrible seeing him suffer like this. I feel like I have stolen him from his foster family. I wish I had a crystal ball and could look forward to a time when he was happier and could manage his grief.

You will get there . Honestly it takes time and there are no shortcuts but soon you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come and it will all be worth it. Just let him grieve and keep naming his feelings for him so " it is v hard that you miss your foster family . You must be feeling v sad . I feel sad as well because I care about you and don't like to see you upset " etc etc .
Hang in there Poppet x

Don't be afraid to take things slowly op and not make any decisions. I put the celebration hearing back for months and months as I was having such a rough time with my dd.

Also don't be afraid to voice your concerns to your SW too. I was too embarrassed and didn't want to look like a failure and kept a lot inside of me. Also there is nothing wrong with admitting it's not working for you either, and calling it a day.

Hope things are on the up for you now Poppet, for you.

I can relate to feeling like you have stolen them during this time... our LO grieved terribly for his Foster family who he had lived with since being a young baby. Most of this was at night when he would scream himself to sleep whilst we held him. It was hard - there is nothing really anyone can say or do that makes it any easier except time.

I found it useful to remind myself that the foster family sadly are not a permanent family for our little boy, and we are. Your LO doesn’t realise it yet, but he is in the best place he could be because you are his permanent family. I understand how tough this is, just remember that it does get better.

If you want or need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM. You are not alone

Oh op. I'm not an adoptive parent so don't want to wade in with platitudes because I have no experience of what you're going through BUT I am a mother of 3, the eldest of whom is autistic and a lot of how you feel resonates with how I found the early days with my eldest. Motherhood is hard. I really am sending you all the best wishes and hope things work out for you all. Your feelings about becoming a new parent are very normal.

I feel like I have stolen him from his foster family.

I felt like a child snatcher too - keep in mind that if they could have provided him with a secure, loving permanent home he wouldn’t have been placed with you. You don’t have a crystal ball but you might see little glimpses of times when he’s loving and happy - capture them in your heart and hold on to them.

My little boy, who grieved his foster caters desperately, has gone to bed after hugging me goodnight and telling me he loves me more than anything - he spent the first 6 months asking me when I was going to take him home again. Your little ones heart needs to heal a bit, you’re doing a fantastic job.

*I feel like I have stolen him from his foster family.

I felt like a child snatcher too*

Me three. I felt awful.

However, if the foster family could have or wanted to adopt him, then he would be with them. You are his mum now. You are his best chance at stability, permanency, and family life. If you couldn't do this, you wouldn't have got approved.

Cry, eat the chocolate, and I hope you get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, one day at a time. We've been there, the early days are hard. Keep posting.

poppet31 how's it been today?

Please don't feel like you have stolen him. He's been given into your care as your son, he is your son, and you are going to be a brilliant mum for him.

I think we are starting to make progress but it is very slow. He is still very aggressive towards me and is struggling to deal with any transitions but I think there are green shoots starting to form. We are at a play cafe this morning and he fell and bumped his head (nothing serious.) he came straight to me for a cuddle. Just wouldn't have done that a week ago. Bedtimes are also getting easier. Last night was the first night he went in to his cot without crying. I still don't feel like I'm enjoying any of it but I am hopeful of a future where I will.

Thank you to everyone who's checked in on me. I can't begin to describe how grateful I am for your support. It can be very lovely at times.

I meant lonely!

I think we are starting to make progress but it is very slow.

I’m so glad you’re starting to see signs, however small, that things might be ok. I wanted to very gently suggest though that it’s not slow process. He’s only been with you for 16 days, I know they’ll have felt like the longest days imaginable and by now you might struggle to remember a times when things were this hard but it’s 16 days. For him to seek you out for comfort is a huge thing for you both and speaks to your consistent care for him. It’s very early days yet, you’re all still in transition and it’ll take time - 16 days is nothing at all in the scheme of things so to see him even slightly accepting you so early on is fantastic.

It can be very isolating - we don’t have the networks or friendships that some mums build while pregnant in ante natal classes etc, and it’s hard to get out and about when your little one isn’t coping well with that. Try to get out and see friends for a coffee without kids at some point even if all you do is rant or cry. You’re doing a fantastic, hard job.

@poppet31 that's absolutely wonderful to hear. Absolutely everything I've ever read about adopting suggests the first few weeks are hell and you've coped tremendously.

The face he's coming to you for comfort shows the attachment is coming along. Now imagine a year down the line where he's playing with you and calling you mum. He's yours now and he'll always look to you and DH for love, support and comfort.

Just wanted to say hang in there

That's absolutely huge poppet, well done and what a brave little boy.

I could have written your post about my son post adoption although he was a little bit older @poppet31 sounds as if you are doing amazingly well.

Well done @poppet31 that is really positive. I’m really keeping my fingers crossed for you I think you and the little one are doing so well and are very strong in a tough situation. I hope things settle quickly for you all and you start to see more happy moments x

@poppet31thats great news. The fact that he came to you is massive and shows that the trust is starting to build.

hold on to the small things, they are the big things really.

You're two strangers getting to know each other, you'll get there.

I’ve only just seen this thread, but wanted to lend my support/ear too. I loathed the early weeks, was convinced I’d ruined all our lives. But somehow we got through and we’re all still here.

If you can find it in you to be playful, even though you (rightly/understandably) don’t feel like it, that might go a long way. For us, DD tried stamping her feet at me. I stamped mine back, turned it into a song and dance and that was probably the first time she laughed with me.

Hang in there.

This thread will be a good place for you to see the progress already made Poppet.
Well done on persevering..... it will be worth it. Thinking of you all and its looking like there's small steps forward- amazing. I used to take my lo out in really long walks in the pushchair some day would walk for miles. Seeing animals, waving at the bus drivers and finding new parks. It really helped me clear my head! Sending lots of love and strength.xx