First week of placement - really struggling.

[poppet31]

We are struggling so much, to the point where I'm worried this will not work out. It is day 6 of placement and the little boy we read about and saw during introductions is not the little boy we have brought home. He cries constantly, everything is a fight. Nappy changes, getting dressed, going in the high chair, buggy, car seat. Is used to a busy foster house with lots of kids so hates being stuck at home with us. But getting out with him is almost impossible because the car seat and buggy is a two man job and he is fighting is at every turn. I know he is grieving for his foster family (2 and has lived with them since birth) and is scared and confused. I know it's not his fault. I read all the books and thought I could cope but the reality is so much harder than I ever expected. If I thought this would get better, then I'd feel more able to manage, but after a week of this, my husband and I are exhausted. Please tell me it gets easier?

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm sorry I don't have the time or energy to reply to you all individually. This afternoon was a little better. We were able to get out to the small park near us and play in the garden. He is like a different child outside and plays amazingly - indoors is a nightmare! The biggest problem we have at the moment is that he won't let me do anything for him, and will lash out at me if I try. So my husband is having to do all the changes etc and he will be going back to work soon. He's self employed and runs his own business so really isn't able to take much more time off. Luckily, he works from home and can try and work flexibly but I feel guilty as I'm the one on a year's adoption leave supposedly and he's having to do all the work as our little one is attaching to him over me. We have our social worker coming out tomorrow. It's a lot distance placement so we won't be getting many visits from his - in fact, we haven't even heard from them. I am trying so hard to parent therapeutically but as he is developmentally delayed, his comprehension is very limited, which makes it difficult. I don't want to give up on him and I know it's such early days, but I'm scared for the future when he gets bigger and could really hurt me. Thanks again for all your support.

I'm glad it is getting better.

Don't feel bad about your dh having to do more.

Even without a developmental delay, he’s very very little to be processing all this stuff. Also worth knowing it’s not at all unusual for children to push away the female adopter early in placement. It feels incredibly painful, such rejection when you’ve gone through hell to get them - it can really make you doubt yourself as a mother before you’ve hardly been one.

Remember it’s because they’ve been let down badly by “mum” before - it’ll take a good while for him to understand that you’re solid and predictable. My DH had some of this with our two, and still does sometimes if they’re anxious. Let your husband do the caring but you be there and be involved - get your DH to involve you by asking you to help him (not your little one - eg by passing his cost to dad to put on), if your DC asks for something get your DH to check in with you “I don’t know if we’ve got juice, let’s ask mum”. By not forcing him to accept you but including you it’s much less scary. I remember well though my DHs distress when he realised he was a trigger for our children - hard, hard place to be.

our AS constantly says he 'hates' DW, which is v hard.

Somebody down the thread said about finding a local adoption support network. We have become very involved in our local adoption UK support group and we now have a large circle of adopters as friends. We have play dates with the kids, coffee and gin (not together) dates with out the kids and a WhatsApp group that we offload in almost daily! This is what gets me through the hard days. People who get it, not mums of neurotypical birth children. Hearing “all children do that” from someone not experienced in dealing with early trauma is not helpful!! In a month or two when things are a little more normal venture out to find these groups and make friends.

In your shoes my current biggest concern would be when DH goes back to work in 2 weeks if he is the one who LO is accepting care from. You might find that over the 2 weeks things settle and he starts to accept things from you which would be great but it would still be early days, and if he is still more focused on your husband it could cause things to be very tough when he goes back to work.

I don’t know if you’re receiving an adoption allowance but I would speak to your SW and ask if they could speak to the placing authority about supporting you so DH can have longer off. It is a valid issue and you have good reason to ask for them to support this as you are seriously considering whether this is going to work out.

We also adopted well out of area but LOs social worker is still visiting weekly for the first month, I believe this should be happening for you too.

It’s so so hard during the first weeks of placement. As others have said your little one will be totally traumatised losing everything that is familiar to him.
Have you thought about early contact with his foster carer? Seeing her could help him understand that people he loves and love him do not just disappear from his life and help him learn to trust you.

We've had a much better day today. I've been able to take him out on my own and he played nicely at our local play cafe - until another child bit him on the face! absolute nightmare and not what I need as his social worker is visiting tomorrow.

Our social worker visited today and it was so lovely just to have a visitor. They are going to organise some art therapy for little one and hopefully a visit from his foster carer soon. We just want to do anything we can to help him through this grief. Feeling a little more hopeful today. Can't thank you all enough for all the support.

That sounds positive @poppet31. Keep taking the small steps and you will get there

Good update Poppet . Glad to here today was better. Just take it one day at a time and if tomorrow is bad remember it won't always be so. You have to expect ups and downs for a while bit you are doing great.x

Oh poppet sorry to hear he got bit :( so happy you had a better day- the roller coaster of being a mum! Well done for reaching out for support. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Nothing happens quickly does it and there are no quick fixes...sounds like you are doing a great job fighting through. Our lo has delayed speech and would literally just run up and down the stairs age 1 as she was high energy. It was so hard because she wasn't talking until she was gone 3. It was a really really manic time trying to figure it out. Hoping there are somemore better days/hours/moments for you all.lots of love xx

Well done poppet, so strong of you to pick up yourself up and take him out on your own, and how fantastic it went well with you and him spending time together (although not with the other child biting him, how awful for your little boy )

Sending you lots of good wishes for the coming days x

Glad to hear today has been better. Keep taking it one day at a time, and reach out of you need some support

Not sure if this is would work depending on the nature of his delay but would it be worth trying to teach him some baby sign language signs so even if his speech is delayed he can communicate some basic needs to you - such as drink, food, more, etc.

Would having a means to express some of his basic needs possibly help with some frustrations for him?

It does get easier! Those first few weeks (and months) were the most challenging of my life and I had many moments where I wondered what I had done and if we had made a mistake. These two toddlers had completely disrupted our easy and calm lives! I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel and truly thought that dark time would be my life for ever! It does get easier, without a doubt. But if someone had told me that then I wouldn't have believed them. Like others, I look back and wonder how we survived but we did and I am so grateful that we did. I love my children completely and couldn't imagine my life without them now. Most things have already been said so I won't add much; lower your expectations-I thought that them eating 5 portions of fruit and veg and everything made from scratch was much more important than it was! If I could do it again my only requirement would be 'are they happy/full?' I thought letting them have chips for dinner would set me up for the rest of our lives! That isn't the case. As others have said; make your world small, then it really doesn't matter if he is dressed or not. Don't fear the TV! Better a rested mum and an hour of TV than the other option! Limit anything essential outside of the house, don't take him out if he is fighting it. Don't worry about him 'winning' and not wearing his jacket, natural consequences would say that he is cold now! GO OUT WITHOUT HIM! You are not a slave to him, I had short bursts away from them when DH was home, went to the gym, had drinks with friends, cried into coffee etc. I truly don't recognise the person at the beginning, I look at things I wrote and can't believe I was having such a hard time. I wouldn't change them for the world now. I hope you are doing OK, I'm thinking of you.

How’s the last few days been poppet, how you feeling? X

The first few weeks (months, even the first year) of placement are really hard. I had a rookie SW who didn't understand why I wasn't jumping with joy to have a grumpy, traumatised, anxious, aggressive DC in my life, and everyone kept saying how 'thrilled' I must me. Truth is, neither DC nor me were thrilled. I ate a lot of chocolate, and cried a lot of tears.

I, too, find indoors a nightmare. Get out when you can. If he won't wear a coat, don't fight it, pick your battles. If he won't go in the buggy, could you use a sling library to get a sling? I agree with everything everyone else has said.

I promise it gets better. Keep posting, I wish I'd been more honest in those early days.

Truth is, neither DC nor me were thrilled. I ate a lot of chocolate, and cried a lot of tears.

This just can’t be said enough - the early days are hard and all too often no one is feeling the love very much. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good mum, it means you’re a fully fledged human being.

One thing that for me through the early days was taking photos. It wasn’t a conscious decision but it was a life saver. If the wee man was playing with a toy or jumped in a puddle or anything remotely happy I’d take a photograph. When my husband got home from work I’d say “today was awful because...... but I want to show you this” and show him the photograph on my phone. It kept me grounded and focused on the positives because I quickly found myself looking for happy moments to take a photograph of. After a few weeks I made a photo book. Then a few months later when things were incredibly difficult I made another and we took rime looking through the happy moments. Although o remember how hard the early days were as he grows he will have the photobooks full of happy moments from the early days. Some days I’d find myself just going through them to keep me motivated especially on the days I wanted to give up. I don’t know if it would help but it really helped me.

Hope things are going well, poppet

I have never posted before, but felt I had to make an account after reading your posts.

We too are early in placement with our 25 month old (almost 3 months in) and he went through a phase of biting, punching, kicking, pinching and everything else you can think of at the beginning. Hardest to deal with was that this was sometimes aimed at our poor dogs and also his much younger brother (5 months). Looking back he was simply afraid, confused and grieving his losses, but it was extremely difficult at the time. We still have some issues with violence but mostly he has moved on.

He has speech delay so we often give him the words to describe his emotions “I can see you’re angry because... I wonder if you’re frustrated because...” we also taught him “stop” and “no” so that he can ask us to stop doing things that make him frustrated. Burning off energy made a huge difference, so we often go to the local soft play - also a great opportunity for some open ended play and bonding. It gave the other person chance to sit and have a coffee! Outdoors when the weather allows, we found being in nature particularly calming. I also used to get Alexa to play nature sounds when at home and it had a calming effect on the house (but also don’t be afraid of TV if it helps you get through!).

It is so very hard at the beginning, we were surviving half an hour at a time in the very early days. Honestly, things will improve - just keep surviving!

You are doing great!

Ouch, I am sorry to hear about the bite but glad things are better. art therapy sounds good. roughly how old is he?

Good luck. You are doing a great job.

Bearfamily1010 thank you for sharing your story.

Thanks everyone for continuing to follow our journey and provide your support.

We've had a couple of easier days. Some difficult times, but much better than Monday when I was honestly ready for calling our social worker and telling her to take him away. I have to say our agency have been great and organised some play therapy for him. We had the therapist out this morning and did some theraplay together and he seemed to enjoy it. It was suggested that we have a video call with his foster carers so we did that tonight but it didn't go well - he burst in to tears as soon as he saw them, poor thing.

We have been trying to get out the house every day and have been going to a soft play near our house. Walks in the buggy have also saved my sanity. My husband has been doing bits of work this week but very part time so he's still been around for the transitions (little one is still not letting me dress him etc but he is definitely much better when we are on our own. Given the choice he will always go to DH and physically pushes me away.)

I have hope that we will get there but it still just feels like an extended babysitting job. I want to love him but I'm just not there yet. He makes me laugh a lot and I am so proud of him and want to protect him but I don't feel the way I thought i would.

"...but I don't feel the way I thought i would."

I would not worry too much at such an early stage. I have one adopted and one birth child and sometimes I don't feel the way I should about them either! Honestly, it all takes times.

My children are 14 and 9, and the 9 year old has been with us for over 5 years. I love them to bits but honestly sometimes things are tough with any kids so don't feel bad for not feeling how you think you should.

Lovely news Poppet...already you have come so far.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Sorry it didn't go so well with foster carers :(
You and your dh are amazing for trying so hard to make it work. I'm sure your determination and commitment (and since sleep) will see you through.
Thanks for updating us.
I did not bond with my lo straight away....I was just so scared/terrified and thought what the hell have we done. She was like a little stranger and I had so much to learn. I'm sure it will all come to you with time.
Lots of love x

Glad to hear that things are better.

Don’t worry about bonding, it sneaks up on you over time. I really beat myself up in those first few months because I didn’t feel like I expected to, instead of the overwhelming joy I wanted to feel I found myself grieving.

Keep doing whatever you need to in order to get through the days, and gradually it’ll get easier.

Sending