To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

I sympathise OP.

Putting the decision of whether to take in the child or not aside, when you have a family that is so disfunctional that you are constantly picking up pieces for and taking the consequences for their poor life choices, it comes to a head when it just has to stop for your own mental wellbeing, the mental wellbeing of your own family and sometimes their safety. It is so hard to give your own children a better life and break the negative cycles of past when you’re still being dragged into it all and the impact is a constant worry. When it finally does come to a head, there’s nearly always a terrible situation where you either have to be selfish for the sake of you and your family or go picking up the pieces again and getting trapped in the same old cycle.

It sucks and it’s a total headfuck. I understand exactly where you’re coming from. Those people posting about how they’d take her in like a shot and could never give a child up to care have absolutely no idea what it’s like and how the never ending cycle of being a part of a family like this just destroys you.

I have no advice unfortunately but would love to hear the miracle solution if you ever do find it! All you can do is get as much advice from professionals as possible and try and do what’s best for YOU.

If money is your problem, you can apply for Kinship Care Allowance from Social Services.

If my dsis does not take her then I know we will. Going into care just couldn't be an option. I just could never ever look her or myself in the face and give any good reasons why.
I never considered shared care with my sister, I don't know why that has never been brought up as on option. And I don't even know why I mentioned holidays my 2 youngest have never even been out of the country and my husband works too much to be able to go! It's just the unknown.
It was her 'd'm who died. And I 100% resent the actions of both her parents but I do not resent my ds. She is so lovely and affectionate. She loves coming here. She has her own bedroom and clothes etc. I love her but I love her as a sibling not a mother. I just feel a bit taken for granted in this all. No one has actually stopped to ask me if it's ok. But even saying that makes me feel bad, I shouldn't matter only her and my own dc should.

Quite MadMags no one knows what they would do in that situation very easy to judge someone on the internet .

@Bellamuerte

The OP's position is clearly extremely difficult and she has my utmost sympathy. But I have no sympathy for your position - if you and your DH have been appointed guardians (I assume by agreement communicated by your DH on behalf of you both) then from my perspective you (and certainly your DH) have an absolute moral obligation to look after the children should something happen to SIL. It's not good enough to sit on it and say your DH won't say anything. You/your DH need to either tell SIL so she can make alternative arrangements, or accept that you/your DH will have to take the children in the unlikely event of something happening. It would be despicable to allow those children to go into care when SIL has been told by your DH that he will take them.

You SHOULD matter and you DO matter.

I think some very honest and difficult conversations are needed, between all of the family.
There are a lot of assumptions about what others think and feel.
It is vital that you are all completely honest and think about your own needs and what you can offer as well as what is best for your sister.

I don't see that it would be any worse for you sister to know as an adult that you felt unable to care for her, than to grow up in your family and never feel completely at home there.

I work with families who have disabled children, many are adopted and fostered, they are in loving homes, sometimes the only child or with much older siblings. Being placed in the care system does not mean she will have a terrible life, at 2.5 it is likely she will have a long term specialised foster placement until an adoptive family are found.

It is such a emotional and difficult situation for all of you. So tough. I hope you have some unbiased support in real life.

I think you're being very brave and honest with yourself admitting you don't want to do it and why.
Its an awful situation not of your own making and regardless of what happens it seems people will lose out. Have SS offered any advoce of what will happen if you refuse? Is your sibling desperate to have her or just doing it because they think they should? If you did take guardianship of her would/could you be financially rewarded for doing so, maybe that money could then pay for a nanny/carer to take a lot of the strain off yourself? Although i accept that nights and weekends would fall to you.

I think MadMags has an excellent point. In an ideal world it would be lovely to take her in and it all be happy families. Being realistic, that's not going to happen, and you're in a very difficult situation. People tearing strips off you for being 'selfish' etc is absolutely not what you need right now.

I appreciate that this will pluck at raw nerves for a lot of people, it's a very emotive subject, but the OP is very clearly trying todo what is best all around. Either say something constructive/supportive, or say nothing.

You, your H and your DC have to come first. It won't be people on this thread telling you to take her that have to live with a child that will potentially destroy your family.

Bellamuerteyou need to tell your SIL. She thinks she has made arrangements for her DC. She needs to be given the opportunity to make other provision for them. It is abhorrent to let her think you will look after them when you intend to put them in care.

^This
It's one thing to not be willing to take in the children, another to let their parents think you'll look after them if the worst happens. My DC will be going to my SIL but if she didn't want to, I'd want to know so I could make other arrangements.

I feel so sad for this child. In years to come she may realise that when her parents died, neither of her half siblings wanted her & she was left to go into care. Awful for her.

What a situation OP, I feel for you. No judgement, just support for whatever you decide

There is more info on kinship foster care here www.fosterline.info/kinship-care-friends-and-family-care/

You'd not only get financial support but also other help and support from the LA/ access to experts.

mrsryangosling YANBU to feel this way and you should be able to voice your feelings on here without being judged, although it may be an idea to get the thread moved, or repost elsewhere.

Maybe just voicing this aloud to people on here, can help you to work through your feelings and to be able to deal with taking on your sibling.

If she does have FAS, then you might be able to claim DLA/PIP for her, which would help financially and perhaps SS would be able to help advise with this.

If SS want you to have the child, then I would hope that they will do whatever it takes to assist you to have her.

I do think that you may regret it in time if you don't have her, but I do also know of others in a similar situation who had to say no, and know that they have done the best thing for the child and their own family.

I think if you have counselling to help you deal with your feelings, then it will help no end. I felt a huge resentment that I was left to bring up a young child on my own, however counselling helped me to talk it all out, and I have never let my child see or feel this in any way.

'If my dsis does not take her then I know we will. Going into care just couldn't be an option. I just could never ever look her or myself in the face and give any good reasons why. '

I think this wouldn't be a good idea. You have very good reasons why. You and your children do matter.

blue don’t be a fucknugget. If you have no understanding of what a complex situation like this entails, then either try and use some empathy or just accept you know nothing. Your comment is not in anyway helpful or accurate.

This isn't a new situation it has been over a year. We had her full time for 3/4 months then back with her parent a few days now building up to how we are now. I don't think he will die in the next few week or months but I certainly can not see him being alive in 3yrs time say. Or being mentally well and sober for that long.

Someone said she would be bottom of the 5 but my concern is she would be at the top. When she is here I spend the majority of my time with her. She is basically mute and is so clumsy bless her you can not take your eyes off her for 1 second. She needs so much more than the others I would feel I will spend my time fighting for her (as I have done so far it was me pushing for all referrals etc)

OP, of course you do matter. There is no "should", don't do that to yourself.
If you know that you couldn't send her into care and that you would have her if your sister can't, then please make sure you have support in place for yourself. It can be very hard, and it can be very rewarding, who knows. Or both. Life is seldom black or white. I've never been in your situation so I couldn't even start to imagine how it feels. But from your post, you sound lovely and caring, and it's ok to have mixed emotions, it really is.
Is it urgent that you make this decision? If not, then could you take the time to work through your feelings with a counsellor and see where they take you? If it is urgent, then please make sure you have support in place. For your own health first, and also for the children you're responsible for.
How hard it must be for you, I hope whatever you end up deciding turns out to be the right thing for you and everyone. for you.

Look into adoption. There are lots of lovely couples who can't have children and will cherish her. She is still a baby.

OP how sure are you that your children would resent her coming or how much it would displace their life?

That is their home and their views should matter.

Blue this is a child with complex emotional and physical needs by the sound of it. As awful as the situation is for her do you think it's fair on the OP's other children to have their lives disrupted by her living there, not to mention the impact it would have on the OP and her marriage?

This is not fair on your other children. Again, my son has SN and his sister was already here, but it has a huge impact on her. You really cannot underestimate this. It might very well strain your relationship with your own children, your marriage, and definitely your mental health.

Be honest here. That doesn't make you a bad person.

You must do what you think is best for yourself and your own family and feel no guilt about it. I'm sure this child can be found a foster or adoptive home and, hopefully, you could stay in contact and be the sister you are to her.