To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

Aha, so the bulk of care, and actually gettting to see the effect on your DC is not falling on your DH's shoulders?

It's easy to be the wonderful generous benefactor when the hard yards aren't falling to you... or you're detached enough to not really see the issues bubbling underneath.

Don't call yourself a worse person than your DH. You really aren't. He's being more than a little blind here. Easy to love from afar!!!

So she does have issues?

Sounds like if your sister pushed it, her DH wouldn't leave - if he's more worried about not getting his own slice of the care - but he might make her life difficult.

I would talk honestly to your sister about not being able to take her and see where the conversation goes when it's NOT being 'assumed' that you and your DH will step up.

I can relate in the sense that my SIL has named me and DH in her will as legal guardians for her DC if she dies. I have no desire to raise her DC and don't see why my DC should share their home and do without because of the extra expense of more mouths to feed. She isn't dying but in the event of an accident I'd refuse to take her DC, even though I'd feel mean for doing it. They would have to go into care. I had an argument with DH because I know he'd be out at work and I'd be the one who was burdened with caring for his sister's DC - I wanted him to tell his sister to change her will but he refused. So I've dropped the subject because it will probably never happen. I suppose my point is that you're not alone in feeling like this - I don't think YABU and in your situation I'd also refuse to take in this child. You can still remain in regular contact while the child is in care and she could come for Christmas etc but not live with you permanently.

Too have a 2 year old child, they must have had you very young, are there not Grandparents around who can help?

It's not something anyone should do without being 100% committed to it and able for it. You won't be doing the child a favour if you take her in knowing that its not right for you and your family.
She;s young, the chances are high that she can be adopted by parents who really want her and will hopefully get support for her needs.

If it helps you, I wouldn't do it.

What has your other sibling said OP? Where is the child now?

You need to tell your sister, too, that you cannot take the child in. And don't feel guilty about this.

Oh my goodness what an awful position to be in. On the one hand I can see where you are coming from. 4 DC is a lot already so expanding your family not through choice would not be ideal. You only really have three choices though. Either you take your DS in and accept it will be difficult and there will be readjustments. You get social services involved and explore adoption or you encourage your sister to have her and offer as much support as you can and hope her DH comes round.

Either way an awful decision to make but I am sorry and I feel really awful for your little sister but that is no judgement on you. You would be justified in saying you cant cope. Maybe adoption would be better than you take her under sufferance? Of course you may have to confront her later on as an adult but she is not your responsibility in law. Where is the father and who is looking after her now?

I certainly don't think you are horrible and selfish though.

Pengggwn no it's her DH's nieces/nephews surely?

Pretty shit to be told you're a named guardian when you don't agree to it - if the worst happened here it would be TOTALLY the DH's fault for not sorting it.

Husband's sister's DC. I wouldn't be willing to take on another child - I don't want one, we can't afford it and it would have a negative impact on my own DC. I don't think it's unreasonable to put my own family first.

I was the child taken in by family. They made it very clear they resented me and on my did it for the money. It's a really shitty way to live and I left as soon as I was old enough with no self esteem left, made dangerous choices because I had no one else to rely on. I actually wished then and now they'd just been honest and let me go into care, maybe I'd have been able to have a healthier and honest relationship with them instead.
It takes guts to be honest in this situation and that's what you are being. With the best will in the world, if your husband isn't actually around that much he won't be taking on most of the work, you will.

'Christ. You'd really see your husband's DC in care?'

You'd really want to see kids placed with someone who doesn't want them and resents them?

How awful for you, but how much more awful for your 2yr old old half sibling. She's only 2, yet has already lost a parent and is about to lose another.

I do think you and your sister need to sit down and have a serious discussion about who will look after her when the time comes, and prepare her accordingly. After all, could you really live with her going into care? I couldn't.

I'm on the other side of this. I have adopted a child with probable fas whose extended family were also unable to care for them.
It's never once occurred to me that they were selfish. I admire them hugely for many reasons and for loving my little one enough to let her go. We write x3 per year.
Having a lot of bedrooms is not a good reason to adopt.
Having 4 children means this child would not have the undivided attention that they need and would certainly claim as a traumatised child and fas would add to that. You will have to fight tooth and nail for the support they need In that sense it could be selfish of you to deny the child parents with more energy, more time etc.

Your children may be physically attacked. Their possessions may be destroyed. But they will also be loved by that child. You could have a lot of contact with the adoptive family.

Leave AIBU and pop over to the adoption board - you'll get a supportive and realistic view from much more experienced adopters than me.

I work with children who have very complex needs due to in-foetal addiction trauma and neo-natal trauma relating to parental addiction.

The best scenarios I have observed is foster placement with a specialised carer with all the social care and education that scenario would attract together with strong links to blood family.

It could be extremely distressing for the two year old to be expected to establish a relationships with other children when the child needs more than a fair share of adult nurturing and consistent boundaries.

I'd take her in like a shot, especially with a 6 bedroom house.
Holidays aren't more important than a steady home for a child.
But, I'm not you and nobody can tell you what to do.

After all, could you really live with her going into care? I couldn't

Why? Why would you be unhappy about being adopted by parents who want her rather than living with family who don't?
This attitude is all about yourself, not the child. You'd be putting your feelings first, not theirs.

From the child's point of view long term she'd get the time and support she needs as an adopted only child than you could ever give.

Perhaps long term fostering would be best for her so you could still have contact etc. Ultimately you aren't in the right place to take her in

easy to say it when you're not actually faced with it. You can be as lofty and benevolent as you like in the abstract, can't you?

Why would she not be better in a loving foster family who know, accept, and want to take on this challenge. You can then stay as you are, her sister...not mother. Xx

Foetal alcohol syndrome children tend to be fairly easy to spot. I’ve worked with several over the years. Google some pictures , OP, you should be able to see if your half sib is affected