To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

What a tough decision. I know what you mean by other people's kids. I love my own dearly but I don't want to look after other people's. However, at 2.5yo she is still young enough to be able to mold/steer her behavior

She's her SISTER not "other people's kids". She's just as genetically related to her sister as her kids.

I love my niece wouldn't take her in full time, not fair in my DC and I know my MH wouldn't cope and my DC would end up with an ill parent and do the cycle of "less than good parenting" continues.

We stopped at having 4 DC because that is our limit of coping. My DC would have to give up all our of school activities if another came along not to mention how we would still afford mobile phones, a choice of new clothing etc. Spent a decade "poor" wouldn't choose it for my DC again.

What a terrible situation. Is there a chance she could be adopted? Out of family? It might be better all round without the resentments that with the best will in the world won't go away.

It frankly doesn't matter how much space you have I can totally understand your dilemma. You have your own family and likely your own issues from your childhood I'm not sure that you would be able to give your sister what she needs.

It is not your fault!

Wow. Just wow. You live in a six bed house. Your husband is a surgeon. And you don't want to do it because your kids won't be able to go on holiday?? How about teach your kids that there is more to live than just he material. That family is the strongest bond you'll ever have and that you'll always look after your own. Put one of your own kids in DS position. What would you want for them? But clearly our opinions don't matter in this. You need to do what you can manage. We can't tell you what to do or tell you how to feel.

As you are already having her to stay you are well aware of how life is when she is with you so you have experience to be ae to say "This isn't for me" we can't always mop up our families mess, and though the child is a total innocent she will bring with her all the memories of the pain you suffered with your own parents. I think you need to be true to yourself and not take on the child. She is then available to a family who have made an unbiased decision to take her on and give her more tume and attention. It sounds like you don't have that luxury with 4 children and a dh away a lot. You are not a bad person, none of us can judge you ad we have not walked your path. Its too simple to ask 'should I take on my sibling?' as we haven't endured your pain

I think it's an incredibly difficult position you're in and really feel for you.

I don't think there's anything wrong with putting your own children first.
Also think it's terrible that you would not get financial help if you did take her.

genuine question are SS keen that you have her?

I’m finding difficult understanding how many people on here would put marerial things above the welfare of a 2 year old family member.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have to make such a decision but do you think it would help if you got some help with your feelings towards your parent? You sound angry and resentful towards your parent, and with good reason. I wonder if you had a chance to work through these feelings whether it might not help you see matters more clearly with respect to your little sister..

My first thought is that it would be an awful rejection for your sister to go into care when she has two sisters with families with children.

I would take her in rather than put her into the care system.

Stit thank you so much for that post

And unfortunately at 2.5 she is already approaching an age where adoption is less likely.

"From the child's point of view long term she'd get the time and support she needs as an adopted only child than you could ever give."

This absolutely. While she's still little, she should have a good chance of finding a loving home with adopted parents who would give her the best start in life, and you could still have a sibling relationship with her without any of the guilt, angst or inequality that would inevitably come from her growing up among your DC, however hard you tried to be fair. It's good that you're being honest about your feelings and really you have no obligations here beyond being a good sister. If she was 15 or even 12 then you might be her only hope of a stable home, but now it doesn't sound like you or your sister are the right place for her to be 'taken in'. She needs two parents with the time and resources to focus on her. I hope that can happen as soon as possible.

YANBU OP. Some of the replies on here are and clearly weren't written by anyone put in this extremely difficult position. You have 4 DC of you own and know they will go without if you take on this other DC and tbh, if she goes into care and ends up with a family who want her and cherish her and maybe aren't able to have DC of her own I can't help thinking that she will be better off than being no. 5 in the list of priorities in your home (this is not being nasty - just that I could never love or cherish another DC as much as my own and you acknowledge that you feel the same). There are many lovely couples out there who would probably love to foster or adopt her. I really don't see how you admitting that your hands are full and allowing her to go somewhere she will be wanted is a bad thing. If you ever have to tell her why, when she's an adult, I don't think she'd hold it against you when you have so many DC of your own.

As for your DSis, it is her/her DH's decision what they will do if you decide you can't take her, but what she decides shouldn't influence what you will do. You should do what is right for you and your DC. Your DH is too absent to have a casting vote and you will bear the brunt of taking her in, as you well know, plus she's your half-sibling, so it's your choice, but don't be bullied into taking her if you feel that it would have a negative affect on your family. You don't need to be a martyr about this. It really is okay to put your DC first.

I think the people posting this emotive guff have no concept of what "care" is. Are you imagining victorian orphanages or something

Wow. No body is this stupid are naive really?! Twenty-four per cent of the prison population have been in care at some point during their childhood.

"According to the adoption White Paper, 67 per cent have an identifiable mental health problem, and 30 per cent have a statement of special educational needs (compared to 2.5 per cent of children generally).
Seventy per cent leave care with no qualifications. Over 14 per cent of women leaving care are pregnant or have had a child. Those leaving care are 60 times more likely to be homeless, 39 per cent of male prisoners under 21 have been in care"

Early years care is SO important to a child and will impact them for the rest of their lives. The stats on kids in care homes is tragic.

One things for sure is you can't allow yourself to take on this role without serious consideration and support. You need to air all concerns with SS and explain what you are going through. They need to be aware of everything so that if you do decide to take the child in they are actually in agreement that it's in the best interests of all involved.
Is there really no allowances for fostering your kin. How are people meant to be able to feed and clothe the child.
If you did receive a payment would this help, could you put it towards hiring a nanny, cleaner etc to take the burden off you so you could continue to parent the way you want to with less other demands?

It's best to say something now while she is young enough to be adopted and loved and wanted by someone. Don't take her in for a few years find you can't cope and put her in care. She will be even more messed up and in the care system for life. Say something now.

OP, please don't feel the need to justify yourself. It's very easy for others to say they would take her in in this situation because they're not the ones actually in it.

A good friend of mine took on her sisters 3 boys after they got taken off her, on the basis she'd get financial help and a bigger home. She's still stuck in a one bed with 3 boys of varying ages plus her own son and is owed over 10 grand of the supposed help she was meant to get, hasn't seen a penny of it. SS are being utterly crap with help and she's looking at putting them into foster care as she just can't cope and her son has suffered massively with them being around.

It's not for the faint hearted and I truly believe that if your heart isn't in it to begin with then you're just setting yourself up for a struggle. The little girl may be your sibling but it's not worth sacrificing your own happiness and your own children's needs. There are other people out there that will look after her and you shouldn't feel guilty for that.

I’m sorry I appreciate how hard this is for you but I think YABU. You have the room and she is your sibling, but you don’t want her because you wouldn’t be able to go on any more holidays? I think you are being incredibly selfish.

No. I don't think you have any appreciation of how hard this is at all.

And you've picked out holidays just to make a spiteful point.

The impact on 6 other people would be enormous, the brunt of which would be carried by the OP. It's a hideous position to be in, and what any of us might do is irrelevant.

What would be more useful is if anyone has had experience of this situation or concrete, practical advice to give her. Not emotive blackmail.

I dont think youre being unreasonable, to not want to, but I think its a damn shame you dont want to even try. Your baby sister is already here and somebody needs to step up. If its not you, it will be a stranger. SOmetimes life deals us a hand that is not ideal, and then we step up and do our bloody duty. Surely you could learn to love your own baby sister?

OP, I never say this but I think you should have your thread deleted.

You're going to get pious, self-important, ignorant twats posting emotive drivel all over it.

All the WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHIIIIILLLLDDDD stuff that is as ridiculous as it is unhelpful.

It's very, very easy to "do the right thing" when you can sit at your keyboard and not actually have to live that life.

As it is, your "lovely" dh won't have to look after her, your mental health isn't up to it, your children will have to live with difficult consequences, and a child with FAS would be far better off with someone who can take care of her specialised needs.

And aside from all of that ^ it's ok to put your dc first.

'If the biggest strain would be financial I would talk to CAB and see exactly what help you would be entitled to.'

No, the strain is intensely emotional, too, and can be physical with some special needs and as the child grows.

As for finances, it's likely to be very little to no financial entitlements for the OP.

If your mental health is already fragile, it's a no go.

I would absolutely not take her.
My children are my responsibility and that includes providing them with everything I can.
I would not reduce or damage their quality of life by taking on a child that is not my responsibility. Especially when we live in a country that will provide her with a perfectly good home.

OP do not feel bad. This is not your fault. Her parents created this scenario and they alone are 100% responsible. Do not let anyone bully you into this.
You and your life is just as important as hers.
Your wants and your MH are just as important.

OP, I have been in a very similar situation as yourself.
The child in question was 2.5 years old, the difference being that I am her Maternal Grandmother, and I was 53 years old, no more children left at home, single and having fun!
I took her in of course, ( first grandchild etc. ).
She is 12 now and I love and adore her, but I cannot help but feel resentful on occasions. I had to give up my job, therefore I have no car, and no real social life.
Think very carefully.
Regarding money, I had to apply for a 'residency order', therefore I get a residency order allowance, it helps, tho it is nowhere near what a foster carer gets.
I wish you luck!

To do your best for the child does not mean you have to take her into your home. You have a duty to your children and to your sibling to do what is in their best interest. It is hard to see how placing the child with you would benefit her. Having a stressed mother, without the time to satisfy all of her needs would be quite wrong for her. I think you are very brave to admit how you feel. As for your husband loving her, that is not enough. The child will need so much in the way of physical and mental care. I would guess that he will be able provide very little of that, it will all fall to you.