To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

That poor child! Just seems that everyone is so busy thinking about what they want/ don't want, and some innocent child is going to end up in care, unwanted by everyone.
Very sad post.

@Pengggwn have you any/much experience of children with attachment issues/FAS/chaotic early childhood with neglectful parents???

Love and stability isn't always enough

OP you say you're half-siblings - what about the other side of your little sister's family? I assume it's her dad she's just about to lose too and from the sound of it he's not caring for her right now - is there family on his side who are involved?

As others have said, if she does have issues due to FAS then it is a slightly different question overall - really the best thing is for her to be with a family who can meet her needs. However, letting her go into care and hoping that that actually happens is Russian roulette I imagine. :(

I don't think I could ever resent any child who had lost their parents for what ever reason. And had no where to go and no one to love them. I find it quite shocking that others do.
You don't have to blindly love them, but you have to know that giving them even an ounce of your love and compassion will literally save their life.

Strikes me that you're angry at your parent
But it's not her fault.
Sometimes we have to open our hearts, we might lose things in the short term, but the long term you will have something worth more.

If she has behaviour problems now, what's it's going to be like when she's shoved into care, finally found and adopted family. She will be old then, at least 4

This whole thread saddens me. That anyone could feel any kind of resentment towards a child in these circumstances.

I think its easy to say what you would do in that situation but in reality no one knows , my dsil died suddenly three years ago leaving a 2 yr old 9 yr old and 18 yr old the whole thing was a big mess but all of the children ended up staying together the 18 yr old now 21 has residency of the two younger ones its one hell of a sacrifice ,do what feels right op.

if you don't take her in, will she go into care? I could never let that happen to a sibling. Even if we didn't have the room to spare, we'd jiggle things around to accommodate her. Obviously things are not straight forward but you sound like you have a big enough house and a supportive husband so I am struggling to see how you'd turn your back on this child. I also don't see how an extra child suddenly means your 4 children would never have a holiday again?

This is your little sister, who sounds like she's had a really shit start to life already. It breaks my heart to think she'll end up in the care system just because her big sister can't really be bothered with the hassle.

Ss are involed. It was the 1st 'binge' that lead to her death and the removal of the dc. Ss have worked hard with the remaining parent to get her back home and so far they havent drank but they are struggling mentally. I will look into that group thank you. And to Hunting do you feel better now? Really? Has that helped you and made you feel better in any way? No one knows how I feel. The only place I have said it is on her just now.

They won't officially diagnose her but it's very obvious. Even from the facial features. She has seen physio/ot/Dr etc but none can obviously tell us what will happen. I don't believe we would get any financial help with her as it would be a kinship fostering.

I think it's alot to do with everyone just thinking Oh they always do everything for everyone of course they will do this too. No one in the family knows but I have had a very hard time. I have had a lot of counselling and am on medication. My DH is a great help but we do worry that this long term will just push me mentally over the edge.

I think taking on a child that is not your own is an incredibly challenging task especially given the difficulties thus child has already faced and the associated problems it will bring.
You have to be sure you are 100% able to support this child because it won’t be an easy road ahead.
I think that if you have any doubts you should not take this child in. It will be much more damaging to the child be taken in and have it all fall apart and end up back in care than it would to start off in care and be placed with someone who is fully committed to taking the challenge on.

nd some innocent child is going to end up in care, unwanted by everyone

I think the people posting this emotive guff have no concept of what "care" is. Are you imagining victorian orphanages or something?

I've been a foster carer and seen placements with family members break down. You need to build a good relationship with SS and foster carers and ask for lots of involvement. Maybe when the baby is older, you will feel able to have her full time.

Be aware though, they will offer her for adoption and you could lose her completely.

You need counselling, I think, and frank conversations with your children.

So many issues.

Firstly do not compare yourself to your dh - sounds like he isn't around much and would not be the one to be shouldering all the care and responsibility. It would all fall to you and he would be fun guy when he can make the time.

Secondly, surely the little girl won't be going into care, at two years of age wouldn't someone adopt her? Wouldn't it be better for her to be the only child of two loving parents who want her and have time for her?

If she is adopted, surely you would be allowed to continue contact with her as her sister, as you would normally? Not two nights and three days a week! Which you already find hard. This way, she hopefully won't feel abandoned when she is older because she will be in her own family and yet have you and the rest of her family for normal visits like normal families?

You have four kids, this child needs special attention. You don't want to adopt her. I think that is perfectly reasonable. You would end up being a stressed out miserable mum to your kids and wife to your husband. Probably end up a single mum to five!

Also, I think it is important to find out her future because leaving a two year old to live in care is a lot different to getting her adopted by keen and loving parents.

Best of lluck to you.

I’m sorry I appreciate how hard this is for you but I think YABU. You have the room and she is your sibling, but you don’t want her because you wouldn’t be able to go on any more holidays? I think you are being incredibly selfish.

Hand on heart, do you think that your home is the best place for her?

Emotive guff...really? Ever worked with kids in care and seen the damage it causes people in later life, cos I have.

I agree with Harvest.

Any possibility of a constructive conversation with SS, which has her in a specialist placement but retains existing links to your family. Partly so she does not suffer the additional loss of losing her extended family. And possibly an arrangement that could evolve as her additional needs are known and you start to put behind what sounds like a very emotional and difficult year.

Is a permanent solution needed immediately? It seems too early for what is a huge decision.

I think you're being remarkable sensible and level headed in what is very obviously a stressful and emotional situation. You're not in any way being unreasonable in wanting to put your children first, or in not wanting to burn yourself out making up for somebody else's shortcomings.

This might be a naive question, but would joint custody between you and the sibling be an option? It would share the financial and time burdens, but you wouldn;t have the guilt of having turned her away. It's not as ideal for the child as a 'forever home', but would surely be more stable than foster care (which I'm guessing would be the alternative if neither of you felt able to take her in).

Op it wasn't actually a dig at you. It was my personal feelings. Plenty of others on here have said the same.
At the end of the day that child is at the bottom of the pile. Wether it's your pile, your sisters pile, or the states pile.
She's still at the bottom of it.

Maybe you should have put triggering in the title, many people have been that girl. And are fucked up life because of it
and maybe you shouldn't have posted in aibu

Firstly I think your doing the right thing by admitting you really don't want to and are scared

I fostered for years and caring for a child with attachment issues is very tough. Just remember this is a lifetime commitment and not just whilst she's at the cute stage. When we are vetted as foster carers the whole family are checked and interviewed to see if we are really committed etc. You do not have this benefit and support.

my children were adults and I had the love time and patience to give to a child who needed specialist care. If my children had been younger there was no way I would have managed with her. We all want to be perfect Mary poppins but we aren't.

I think you are being responsible in admitting you can't do it. It will change the whole of the family dynamics and reading your post it sounds as though you would be doing it out of guilt.

Your concerns should lay with you , your children and your husband .
Attachment issues is hard hard work, it's very emotional and draining and you would need full support of social services, therapy etc but most of all you would need to be positive or you have failed before you have started.
Don't feel guilty I suspect your feeling awful for this little one but you are not Mary poppins

Good luck op and I wish you all well xx

OP you will get people ( some who absolutely no experience of what your sibling is going through and what taking her in would entail and the impact it would have on you and your dc ) on here saying YABU and that you should of course have her. But in all honesty you should be very careful about listening to them.

Bellamuerte you need to tell your SIL. She thinks she has made arrangements for her DC. She needs to be given the opportunity to make other provision for them. It is abhorrent to let her think you will look after them when you intend to put them in care.

Foetal alcohol syndrome children tend to be fairly easy to spot. I’ve worked with several over the years. Google some pictures , OP, you should be able to see if your half sib is affected

This is complete by untrue, not all children show physical symptoms. In fact there is research showing that a large number of ADHD diagnoses are actually mis-diagnosed FAS.

You poor thing, what a horrendous decision to have to make. You’re having to balance your sibling’s needs with that of your old children and your own mental health. It’s lovely that your husband is so willing but the reality is that you will be doing all of the day to day care.

How do you think your children if your sibling came to live with you? And how would they feel if she went into care? You don’t say how old they are but I’d imagine at least the eldest would be able to understand what is happening.

I think what it will ultimately come down to is which will be more upsetting for you- having your sibling with you or the guilt of them not?

'I think it's alot to do with everyone just thinking Oh they always do everything for everyone of course they will do this too. No one in the family knows but I have had a very hard time. I have had a lot of counselling and am on medication. My DH is a great help but we do worry that this long term will just push me mentally over the edge.'

Then you are not in a position to take her. Your background has seriously affected your mental health. As the mother of a child with special needs, I can tell you, it can be VERY trying on my mental health, which is already severely affected by my past, too. There is no way I'd take in a child who might potentially adversely affect it even further and then mean 5 kids with a parent who cannot cope to care for them.

That's not fair on anyone.