To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

I think you only have to read the threads in adoption to realise that an awful lot of adoptions don't work out. It can be great and it can be exceptionally difficult, and behind every adopter seeking support and highlighting lack of help about violent children, children drawing on walls, screaming and shouting, is a child who is not having the childhood which all children deserve. I think the 1/3 in fact is closer to half judging by the posts, although it depends on what you mean by "failed".

Whether it will be a positive thing for this child will depend on the social workers involved, the decisions they make, the adopters who are chosen and their wisdom, and as a part of that, how they deal with the contact with the "birth" family and the feelings flowing from that.

Peacheachpearplum, I don’t think that the third who say life is difficult with an adopted child is quite the same as normal ups and downs. We are talking about families who have to lock knives away to protect themselves, children whose violent meltdowns cause injuries and self harm. I can talk to other parents about my child struggling to cope at school in general terms and many others may also have a child who is struggling. However, I bet there aren’t many whose 6 year old has hospitalised his TA twice, can smash his way out of the padded room and who lives in a state of pure terror. It’s just not the same as usual 6 year old troubles. And this closely related 2 year old is likely to have significant developmental trauma from her early neglect. I’m sure your sister’s children did not have the chaotic life that OP’s sister clearly had, so the decision may be easy for you. Again, I’m not saying she shouldn’t take her, but it’s not such an easy decision.

are you an adopter shouldorwould?

You can't draw any statistical conclusions about adoptions from the number of people posting on a forum. Thousands of adoptions take place each year. If things are going well, they don't need the support of on line forums so you don't hear from them.
my son has been home for 6 years. We have had incredibly tough times but have come through them. Many adoptions are like us. I know dozens of adopters, some if them having very tough times at the moment. Some are considering residential schools for their children. It doesn't mean that the adoption has failed, just that different support is needed. Success or failure, postive or negative means very different things to adopters

I think taking in a 2 year old and taking in a closely related 2 year old is different. I know if anything had happened to my sister, she was a single parent, I would have taken her two children in but I didn't have a burning desire to go and adopt two children I didn't know. I think all the talk of people virtue signalling is unfair as many might feel like I do.

I would take in my nieces and nephews, absolutely. But that isn't virtue signaling - they all complement my own children age-wise and don't have additional needs. I don't have 4dc of my own. A 2yo with attachment problems alongside the OP'S DC is a situation that outside kinship social services would deem entirely unsuitable.

Ted27 the estimates by adoption uk are high also. Also the statistics to do with performance at school, saying a very high percentage of adopted children under achieve. There is quite a lot of evidence out there which indicate that there are a lot of families in very serious difficulties.

I believe you are right that there are many adoptions out there which sound happy and successful like yours, and many people blog and tweet about them. But what it comes down to is the definition of success of failure. I wouldn't say that a family considering residential care could be considered a success for the child, I am afraid.

success or failure

statistics reflect only so much.

My son will not achieve what his peers will in academic terms. However, in 6 years he has gone from a special school working below national curriculum, to mainstream primary to mainstream secondary. His achievements are massive, but they won't be recognised in those statistics because he will get a handful of fairy low grade GCSEs. Which will be enough to get him to college.

Many adoptive children require intense theraputic input. We were lucky that what we needed can be provided at home and we have a fantastic school. Sometimes therapy can only be provided in a residential setting, because its not available locally. I don't see it as a failure that a family recognises what their child needs, fights for it and gets it. They are still the parents, the child is still part of the family. No its ideal, but thats adoption for you.

Well, on a positive note, I think that a handful of GCSEs sounds very good, and you never know what he will go on to achieve. Do you think he is underachieving now, or will go on to underachieve? If so, presumably there are further steps you'd take to try to prevent that?

I don't agree that sometimes therapy can only be provided in a residential setting. I don't agree that it is inevitable, either, that "thats adoption for you". What is the point of taking children away from environments where they are not getting what they need only to repeat the same after adoption?

Back to this thread, I don't think it is fair to be as positive as some of the posters have been about adoption being a superb thing for this child. It would depend on a lot of factors. If people are aware of that, it can help them support changes or in the OP's case to try to ensure that good decisions are made.

@shouldorwould
You said: Also the statistics to do with performance at school, saying a very high percentage of adopted children under achieve.

Can you signpost us to some research on this which looks specifically at outcomes for adopted children, rather than all those who have been in care at some point?

My son has ASD and a learning difficulty. After the input of 4 quite frankly marvellous schools I believe he is achieving to the best of his abililty. My point was that the true scale of his achievement is not recognised in a simple statistic of 5 A to C grades, nor the scale of the support from his schools.

No adoption is the ideal for any child. In an ideal world every child would be born into a happy, stable family. Sadly that does not happen. Adoption is about a second chance, As much as I love as my son, I'd rather he'd never had to exprience what he did that led him to me.
I have a good friend who this year sent her son to boarding school, next year his brother will follow. They live rurally, school choice is limited. They have already suffered from schools which have the attitude they are adopted now so there is no problem, they are just naughty children. So she is sending them at great cost to a school that understands and will provide the right supportive environment for her children to thrive. Why is that a failure.
This is an interesting debate, I'd be happy to carry on, but not on this thread which is straying too far now from what the OP needs.

I would have to search to find research. I was referring to what has been said in the press in relation to adoption (it also applying to LAC who are not adopted). Do you think it isn't right?

How are you doing OP?

Sorry for the long break. Df health has deteriorated. He is also back to being a full blown alcoholic. No idea how he is meant to have surgery/chemo etc if he can't even get sober for appointments.
We have social workers coming out to start the process of her going into Foster care with a view to adoption. It's too late for me. I'm stuck with him and all his crap Nd abuse. She isn't. She can still escape this and have hopefully a good life. Social services can't even deal with him as he is so drunk so I assume they will go on to court without him.

Sad, but not unexpected news. I do hope you get a good outcome for you and her.

Sorry to hear things are going the way you feared. He will be given a lawyer and although him not turning up at court may slow things down it won't stop the legal process.
Your sister will also be given legal representation and you can talk to them and her guardian as well as the social workers and their legal representatives. There are no shortage of lawyers in this process.
It usually takes a minimum of nine months for a freeing process to be signed off however quickly they try to move it. There will assessments of both your dad and your sister. The interim order to move your sister to foster care could happen very quickly though. (Sorry I may well be telling you stuff you are already well aware of, if so I apologize) I wish you strength for the next year while this gets sorted.

allchange actually that is the stuff we don't have a clue about. So do I tell them I can only keep her until say next week? Then what happens? Df isn't even speaking to his solicitor. Just giving us abuse. Social services say the quicker we can get everything moving the better for her. I have no idea really about the steps ahead.

Yes you can set a time limit beyond which you are unable to look after your sister. I imagine a planning meeting has already been held at social care which their legal services would have attended, if for any reason it hasn't that would happen. Social care would then seek an interim care order, the first of these is often granted only for a very short time while social care starts to pull together the reports needed. An emergency order is unlikely to be needed as your sister is safe at present.
The court process will go ahead even if your father does nothing, social services will ensure that his paperwork is delivered to him and his solicitor will attend court even if they have no intructions from their client. This is not that unusual with drug related cases.
So you can give a date beyond which you can no longer look after your sister, two weeks would be easier for social care to prepare paperwork and importantly look for a short term foster carer for your sister.
During the assessment phase while your sister is with a short term foster carer social care will assess any family members for suitability to permanent carers, if you wish to be considered you can put yourselves forward.
Your sister will have her own cafcass worker appointed at court who is meant to look after her interests as apposed to your dad's or social care.

Please try to plan any move. Don't issue ultimatum unless you really cannot manage. She needs as much stability and as little and few changes as poss. Accept that you can't care long term and adoption may be best for her, but almost any known situation better than strangers and many changes.
Let them try to find long term foster carer (short term usually 3months) so she only moves twice. Adoption can be positive but the process damages children. If you could foster her until adopted even better.
Also you will help her thru loss of dad, strangers can't do that.
I understand if you are on your knees but a little more time may make a big difference to her. You have already done so much, you are a⭐️

I agree that planning is a good thing but social care will benefit from concrete deadlines to follow, not frantic rushed ones but clear planned ones.
I am also not sure that OP would be the best choice to manage the grief of her sister and the process of her moving to an adoptive placement. These are challenging issues for foster carers with training and less emotional involvement in the situation. It is a big ask for someone with limited support and no specialized training.
There isn't going to be one right way forward OP or any solution guaranteed to work perfectly. You need to look after not just your sister but yourself and your dc.

Although they prefer staying with family, they we not entirely convinced we would get through a panel (?) given the number of kids we have, dh job and travel, caring for df and limited time to meet her extra needs. I can understand that. And to be honest it's almost a relief that they don't think we would be the best thing for her, as bad as that sounds. It's like some of this giant responsibility has been taken off us. I'm just exhausted and we are all at breaking point. I never fully realised the extent of her additional needs before.

But we are all walking round almost like zombies. The realisation that we will be packing her stuff and she will stay for 1 last time is horrific. We all just keep bursting into random tears which doesn't really make for a happy home. I can not imagine the day she actually goes. It feels like it is us giving her away even though she isn't our child and we didn't create this whole sorry situation. Very conflicted with anger towards df and also just feeling so sorry for him that he is losing his daughter whilst so ill. He isn't even speaking to us anyway. Very drunk and abusive and we are' the ones taking his daughter away' He has never been able to face up to his responsibilities so I don't know why I would think he could now.

Yes we will be keeping her until a suitable Foster placement comes up but we have giving them a rough deadline on advice from a charity we are working with. They said it gives them something to aim to work towards. Obviously if nothing is found by then, she will still stay with us.
One thing though, we have been told we can be named in the care order as respite carers for any foster placement and have contact with her. Have been told this by a solicitor and also the Foster charity yet yesterday her sw said that's not possible.

wow, lots of for you all, it must be so hard, for you and the rest of your family.

As you say, to some extent the decision has been made and you feel that it is the right one. Once you have overcome your own feelings to do with that, I would try to focus entirely on seeing what you can do to have input into your sister's future. Possibly you could get advice on that from SWs reading this, but in your shoes I would be writing down how you feel about staying in contact with your sister in a structured, planned way, and the benefits you feel she would get from that, so that it is there ready to go on file or to be discussed, and get advice on it too, about what the options may be and how it may pan out, so that you can put forward your views. You may need to be very proactive.

When they say 'it's not possible' you need to ask why. It may we'll be that it is easier for them if they have a clean break, with no contract from blood relatives. However what is easier and what is legal are two entirely different things, and they won't necessarily tell you the legalities unless you push for it.

They won't (or shouldn't!) lie, but they can avoid telling all of the truth until it is too late.

Social workers won't be putting off your respite to make their lives easier. I think it is more likely because this would be an unusual request. For you to be foster carers for a LA my understanding is that you would need to undertake all of the training and assessment of a standard foster carer but then make yourself available only for that child. I have known people offer similar things in the past but once they understand the logistical difficulties it hadn't gone any further. There is also the time frame, it is likely to take you as long to get through foster care training and assessment as your sis is in foster care. This might be worth doing if your sis was staying permanently in foster care but this is only a temporary pre adoption situation.

Usually contact is between child and parent and siblings. Extended family contact if it happens, usually happens as part of that rather than standalone. That said I cannot see a reason why this shouldn't happen if requested in this situation.

The reason you would need the assessment and training as foster carers is that the LA will share the parental responsibility for your sister if they gain a court order and as legal parents need to ensure that all of their safety checks have been completed. They would be held negligent if they placed a child in harms way because they had not done this.

Panel is shorthand for the formal multi disciplinary board who consider each matching of a child and prospective parents. It is a full on process including interviews and not each application is successful.