To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

If my dsis does not take her then I know we will. Going into care just couldn't be an option

But she's not going to, is she? She's not going to risk her marriage, nor is she going to risk depriving her own child of their father. So you are saying that the reality is that you are going to take this child.

But think about it. That means depriving your own children of attention, and depriving them quite seriously in other ways, including in respect of their education. It means her growing up in a household where she will be resented and where there will always be the shadow of the effects of your relationship with her parents; and where you won't really have enough time to deal with any problems arising from her past and her possible FAS.

Alternatively, she stands a very good chance indeed of being adopted. That means being with parents who really want her and love her, who are fully prepared to take on a child with possible FAS, and who are not conflicted as you would be. Is that really so unthinkable?

I absolutely could turn away blood if I was honest enough and realistic enough to acknowledge that I am not the best person to be catering for the specific needs of that child.

Sometimes pragmatism is needed, rather than letting decisions which will impact on so many people being overridden by emotion.

I can’t work out how one more child would be a financial stretch for the family of a surgeon, even an NHS surgeon.

I do, however, completely understand your reservations about the others impacts taking another child into your family.

Mine are 6 months, 2,4, and 12 so apart from the 12yo we can't really ask them. The 12 year old is so so good with her and he really makes me proud.

You do matter! In some ways you matter more than your kids or sis because without you they would suffer. Think of what your life was like with a parent who didn't parent, the effect this had on you. Now think how different it would be if you had someone like you. You matter not just for everyone else's sake but yours too. How you feel counts and it's important to recognise that. It's clear your not happy or comfortable about how you feel and that needs to be worked through not bottled up and resentments/concerns allowed to fester.

It sounds like you have decided that you will care for your sis if there is no other option. If this happens you need to get your other sister on board to provide backup, you need to get every single resource in place with S S before agreeing to anything and you need to work through how you feel with a councillor.

Anyone still suggesting the OP takes this child in should read her thread from one year ago.

No wonder you feel overwhelmed, 3 of your children are very young. Anyone would find this stage difficult without the extra responsibility of your sister.
How are you managing to do so much?

I was adopted at 2.5 having had a pretty rough start.

I would not take in a siblings child with your circumstances. You’d be too thinly spread to be able to provide enough support. That is not fair on your or your children.

The strain of taking on another child, especially one with significant needs both emotionally and other is huge. The child deserves greater single attention and support and it is likely to go well into adulthood. I’d say at mid 30’s I’ve still not adjusted well.

You’re in a proper shitty situation and my heart goes out to you.

I hope you and your family find a good solution to it all.

OP, you must do what is right for you. You cannot fake love - all of your DC will pick up on this. It's not as if you're taking a child in for a few weeks, it's for life.

Another family somewhere will be desperate to adopt a 2.5 year child and will love her fully and be able to give her all the attention she deserves.

No judgement, just don't be guilt tripped into this.

I think you're right to think about this now and find out what your options might be if this child's other parent died.
From what you say, I wondered if a situation where she was in foster care but could continue to visit and stay for regular visits might be feasible?

My original point was that I sympathise with the OP because she's not alone in not wanting to take on someone else's children. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you don't have the capacity (financial or in terms of time or mental health) to cope with more children. I've told DH that I won't be taking his sister's DC if the situation arises - beyond that it's between him and his sister.

OP, I feel for you. I do not know what you should do. I think you make valid arguments for your own family. The way to approach this is from the point of view of your 2.5 year old darling half sister (dhs). It is her best interests that are important, and she needs to be loved and nurtured unconditionally by someone who will. At 2.5 years old there is bound to be adoptive couples out there yearning for a child. Stop prevaricating, the dhs should be loved unconditionally. If it can’t be you, let it be someone who can

I'd suggest reposting on the adoption board. You'd be what's known as a kinship carer. Play your cards right and SS will have to provide support. Don't (e.g. Taking her in on an informal basis) and you will be left high and dry.

Family Rights Group also has lots of info for people in your situation.

If you don't want to, you don't have to, but if possible it would be good if you could maintain a positive link with her through her childhood, meeting up with her and foster carers etc

I feel this is way more about your issues with your parent than it is with this child and the impact on your family.

Ask for a small contribution or regular help from your other sibling to ease the load

You can’t turn your back on this child. I think the guilt would eat away at you and I’m sorry but it would make you a bad person to turn down helping someone in need.

Get some counselling for your angry and issues with your parent - the child is not to blame for their mistakes

It's tough one. Is the any senario where u could foster and receive money if finances are the issue.

The money side wouldn't phase me - holidays and classes are not important imo than a child. The fas would make me have to think very hard tbh - child can have so many issues. Would it be realistic to have a part timer carer/nanny in place to help out? With your sister perhaps taking her every weekend?

This is an extremely difficult situation and I do feel for you OP. I think I too would feel the need to put my own children first, but I'm not sure I would be able to see a young sibling go into care. The financial burden would of course be significant and have implications for your own children. Personally, I would look into any way this could be alleviated e.g- taking a fostering role.

I think you are being very honest and brave to voice your doubts.

My take is that you have distanced yourself from this parent and managed to build a life for yourself with a lovely family that you see the taking in of their ‘damaged’ child a threat to that distance and protection you have created

I don't believe we would get any financial help with her as it would be a kinship fostering. I don't know the rules but two children in my extended family lost both parents and their mother's sister fostered them, she did get paid as a foster parent. I don't know if the money is the main issue but just thought I'd mention it.

I used to have a neighbour who was a foster mother, she had a houseful of kids and adopted many of them. Other than the fact that her housekeeping standards were woeful the kids seems settled and well looked after. I think the problem is that it doesn't always work out like that. I remember her getting two brothers as an emergency placement. Their original foster family were going on a foreign holiday, their own kids and foster kids were all excited. The day before they were due to fly they turned up at social services and handed the kids over as they had never intended to take them. I hope they were never allowed to foster again.

If you feel you can't do it, don't. You feel you have had enough, that is ok. It's not your fault. This situation is not your fault. If you will be the primary carer then it is your decision. Good luck. Neglected children can require all your resources and more, protect your four ( and you) first.

Financially if the child is a looked after child (LAC) and is placed with you by social services then you should receive kinship fostering allowance which is the payment foster carers receive minus the wage element. Thus around 50%.
If the decision is made within the family then this will be seen as a private arrangement. You would then be entitled to CB and tax credits if eligible but nothing else as SS will consider they have no responsibility or involvement.
SS are under great pressure to save money and thus it is essential to take independent advice and jump through all the hoops in the correct order to receive kinship fostering allowance.
Also as a MC family, which I assume you will be considered to be due to DH's job, they will not consider you a priority for funding.
This is not because they are miserable, penny pinching bastards but because, like the NHS, they are severely underfunded.
I fought SS for 8 years before I eventually gave up as DC was becoming aware of the number of people coming into our house and wanting to talk to me/him and I felt it was disturbing him. Some kinship carers are in much worse financial straits than me, having even lost their homes.
Not saying this to make you feel bad in any way OP. I just think you, and others, need to be aware how badly kinship carers can be treated.
If you decide to go down this path Family Rights Group could advise you.
We survived due to a wonderfully supportive nursery and primary school but that was down to luck rather than judgement.

greatduck I'll second that.

I think this is one of the most heartbreaking posts I have read on here. What an awful position you have been put in. Now you have admitted this on here, then you must voice this out to your DH, your older sister and the social worker.

This would be a massive impact on your family. Its not as easy as just taking her in. I remember a school friend spending a lot of time at mine because they had taken in a badly damamged relative and the household became chaotic. My friend moved out as soon as she could and his minimal contact with her parents now. She sites the day he moved in as the day her childhood ended. It was very sad. Her parents wanted to do the right thing but ended up alienating their own child.

I have been on the edges of the adoption process, I was a character witness and support for a close friend. Your sister would most certainly be adopted. It has changed so much these days. Single parents, gay couples. And girls are apparently more popular with single adopters. My friends child has regular meet ups with her siblings adopted to another family. You wound still have contact. You would not be out of her life. Please go over to the adoption pages as the poster up thread suggested. Even if its just to have a look.

I think you we very brave putting this out there, its so important that the best thing is for everyone. You. Your family. Your adult sister and her marriage and of course the little girl. If at 2 and a half and having her stay over three days a week and you do not feel like you can love her as a mother let someone else be a mother to her. She deserves that, she will have a loving mother and you can be a loving sister who can still be there and support her.

Big Hug OP

I haven't read all this post so apologies if im repeating anything that has been said. I think YANBU not wanting to take her. It's a big ask and will impact your family life enormously. However if it was me I couldn't not take her I just couldn't. Would social services support you if you did? I don't have a clue about these things but is there funding, counselling for her and maybe advice for you if you did take her? Could it be treated as fostering? Also just a thought but could your DSis share custody or even offer respite for you by having an agreement where they took her every second weekend and for some periods in the holidays. Would her DH be ok with that? It shouldn't just be left down to you at all but this poor little one needs a home.

You say :

• this half-sibling with severe SN takes all your time when she is with you, so you have no time for the other 4 DC
• the household would revolve around her needs 24/7
• you have significant health problems yourself

If you take her, then your own DC would suffer losing most of your attention for the entire remainder of their childhood and young adulthood
with the risk they might completely lose you for months if your health breaks down

Your half-sibling would then go into care anyway, but be far more damaged by yet another move
What advantage is there for her to be with a family that will in time bitterly resent her presence and the effect on their lives ?

You need to put our own 4 DC first
don't make them suffer because of their disgracefully irresponsible aunt / uncle

You can choose to make sacrifices for yourself, but NOT for your DC

The sister is not obligated to contribute time nor finances. I think all the adults need to sit down and have a no holds barred conversation.
State that anything said in that conversation will not be held against anyone.
So if your sisters husband would leave her he needs to say.
Yo need to say you don't want to do it. Because you don't.

And can the Pp please show where she got the OPs finances from because she has no idea what op can and can not afford.