To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

MrsRG - sorry you've had a rough day. Hope you've got some better advice from the PMs.
There is no easy outcome here, whichever way you have to go in the end, but you are very clearly trying to do the absolute best for your little sister.

Sorry to hear you have been having another rough day . I am glad you are clearer as to what you feel best for your sister. Remember however that at the moment whilst your Dad is still I this world it would be unlikely something SS will be prepared to discuss with you but you can make them aware of your thoughts should the worst come to the worst. What you can find out is how to improve things in the current circumstances for your sister. Can you get additional help because your dad certainly isn't able to look after her at all at the moment.

Good luck for the meeting this week

What an impossible situation for you. For what it's worth it sounds as if you have done an amazing job for your sister, above and beyond what most busy parents of small children would be able to do. The support you have given will have a life long positive impact, irrelevant of whether you can have her live with you long term or not. I know it's a desperately sad time right now, but it years to come it might seem a blessing that her parent failed at this stage - if she does go onto adoption it will be far far easier at 2 than at 5 or 10, and she has the chance to receive the care she needs for much more of her childhood.

@VodkaRusschian

"What's the alternative? Get her adopted by a (perfectly nice) stranger?"

That's actually a good suggestion for some children. Have you got something against adoption?

"LD absolutely thrive and develop and learn more things a lot faster when they are living a normal life with a normal family"

Are you suggesting adoptive families are not normal?

All the 'bigger people' who would take on a child in a heart beat, there are kids in the care system now if you want to take on a child.

@TheVastMajority your post is brilliant, really clear.

Good luck op. I think it is too soon to go for adoption, your dad has pr and ssd will have to ascertain his views. It may be a good option in future. You will regret the day she goes into care.
I hope they can plug in lots of help for you now, in this ongoing crisis, and that things become clearer for the next weeks and months.
This too will pass.

If she is going to be adopted it needs to be asap.Lots more people want a younger child

why is that then?

Because the longer a child spends without a permanent care figure the higher the likelihood of attachment damage?
The older a child the longer they have spent in difficult and damaging situations?
If you adopt an older child you miss out on years of parenting them?
There are a range of perfectly sensible reasons for preferring to adopt a younger child.

Attachment damage is mostly formed within the first six months of life, so tbh the difference between adopting a 2yo and a 3yo is relatively small in comparison.

How are you feeling OP.

I second the fact that you should not be providing free child care for your sister, especially at this very difficult time.

I know you may enjoy it but it seems you are especially stretched.

It is likely your dsis would have a better chance of adoption if this were explored sooner.

Could you foster until she us adopted? It would mean only one move for her from now. Would your father voluntarily release her for adoption do you think? Just a thought.

Look after yourself.

I think you need some specialist counselling tohrlp deal with all this OP.

Free child care for your older sister not the baby sis.

jamoncrumpets, that disagrees with everything I read, please could you give a source? I'm very interested it that's the case. I thought most evidence says attachment disruptions between 6 months and 3 years are the most damaging.

This little girl has consistent attachment figures in her life doesn't she?
I think we can all agree that her situation is not ideal and long term plans need to be made but she hasn't had multiple placements.
Which is why its so important that the OP is as sure as she can be about what happens next.
Going back to the 'in a heartbeat' posters, this is why taking on a child 'in a heartbeat' without thought can do far more damage than allowing them to go into a good foster care placement.
Its great if your emotional decision works out but if it doesn't its likely that the injury to the child will be permanent.

Please don’t listen to the emotional blackmail of those who have never and will never have to face a decision like this. We adopted a child with significant attachment difficulties. He was very much wanted and is very much loved, but the immense pressure this has placed on us as individuals and as a family is something we were unprepared for. Our older children have suffered, as has our relationship. Many marriages do not survive. Foetal alcohol syndrome is also something that adds further stress. If you do decide to care for your sister, you need to negotiate a financial, respite and therapy package to enable you to care for her well without breaking. If you decide you cannot, then she may be better in a specialised placement. If she stays in foster care, there is every chance you can still see her regularly, and if she is adopted, there will be a chance for letterbox contact and I’ve heard that some adoptive placements do have direct contact. If you go into this without wanting to, I don’t think it can succeed.

I feel terribly sorry for this poor, neglected child. Who is looking after her. I would take her in in a heartbeat. But then I'm that kind of person.

Would you tinkertailor? How many neglected children have you in fact taken on? And, if you have, did you make a "heartbeat" decision, or did you think it through very carefully in each of those children's best interests?

But then I'm that kind of person

...unlike all you monsters who think things through.

I feel terribly sorry for this poor, neglected child. Who is looking after her. I would take her in in a heartbeat. But then I'm that kind of person.

I think you need to have a look at the adoption figures. All of them from people who have not only virtue signalledposted on the internet about how they would take in a ‘poor neglected child’ but who have actively wanted to do it, been through a gruelling process to do it, have actually done it and taken that child in and done their very best for them.

One third of those adoptions fail.

It’s not as simple as taking in some brand new cute little baby who is a perfect blank slate.

If the OP has doubts about her ability to do it successfully she is completely right to think realistically about the best option for this child rather than wearing rose tinted spectacles then fucking it up.

I suspect from the OPs update that she is starting to think more about taking this child in permanently as an option more seriously. If that’s the case then the fact she thought deeply about this and explored all the options is a good indicator that she has the child’s best interests at heart rather than any indicator of heartlessness or a lack of care.

When you have 4 children already, another one is not going to make all that much difference

Absurd thing to say, Vodka. No matter how many children you have, taking another will always make a difference, particularly when she is not their sibling. And it completely ignores this child's FAS. Of necessity that will mean that she has a lot of difficulties and will need a lot of attention and time, to say nothing of money. How can that not remove attention, time and financial from the other children?

One third of adoptions do not fail. Please do not cite this figure as it is completely incorrect.
Research in 2002 suggests that about 4% of children are returned to care after an adoption order has been granted.
More recently researchers from the University of Bristol analysed national data on adoptions in Wales over an 11-year period to show that 2.6 per cent of children left their adoptive homes early.
A national survey into adoption disruption in 2015 puts the figure at 3%.
It is wholly untrue to claim that one third of adoptions fail.

The University of Bristol report is here:

www.assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/301889/Final_Report_-_3rd_April_2014v2.pdf

Yes, the number of children going back into care is low, but while 2/3 parents put themselves in the categories of:

• it's going well
• highs and lows but mainly highs

The other 1/3 put themselves in the other 2 categories:

• it's difficult
• child has left home

8-9% of young people had left home 'prematurely' - only the ones leaving before the age of 16 would have gone into care.

p84 of the report

Having said that, talking about adoptions 'failing' isn't useful, as what 'failure' is can be very subjective. A number of adopters whose children left prematurely (whether back into care or not) found that their relationship with their child improved over time, especially as their children reached their 20s and matured emotionally.

TheFirstMrsDV and others post wisely.

I think what some people may not realise is that difficulties associated with attachment and FAS are not limited to learning difficulties. It isn’t as simple as a child who needs a bit more attention and support. You may be trying to parent a child who does not trust adults, who is incredibly violent, mind blowingly controlling, who cannot keep themselves safe and who may actively triangulate and try to break the family. You may be dealing with school exclusions, therapy appointments and loss of friendships and family relationships. Of course, you may not, but this is a real possibility and needs to be prepared for. It cannot be an ‘in a heartbeat’ decision.

The other 1/3 put themselves in the other 2 categories:

• it's difficult
• child has left home

I wouldn't be surprised if it is the same for birth parents, in fact if you ask at the right time, midteens from my experience, I think a majority would say it's difficult. Maybe I just know people with either feisty kids or who are brutally honest.

I think taking in a 2 year old and taking in a closely related 2 year old is different. I know if anything had happened to my sister, she was a single parent, I would have taken her two children in but I didn't have a burning desire to go and adopt two children I didn't know. I think all the talk of people virtue signalling is unfair as many might feel like I do.