To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

I can’t help much sorry but I do have two disabled kids.

SS really are so stretched that in our case they have never wanted to help. We have been in crisis and they they still say we cope well so be very very sure they will support you if if take your dsis on. If you can not guarantee extensive care I would push back hard as they will see you can cope and then there’s no going back. Sorry.

It’s not easy having a disabled kid, there’s no help out there. They don’t to diagnosis as that comes with cost / support implications that they will want to put off as long as possible.

It’s a lifetime commitment. It isn’t rainbows and unicorns. Yes it’s rewarding but the situation with education, healthcare and SS and their budgets is crushingly hard. Unless you have been in the situation it’s impossble to belive how little society cares for disabled kids and there is very very little help. Most parents struggle on a breaking point every day for years. She needs a diagnosis now, the fact she hasn’t shows you what the system can do to help her.

I’m sorry you are in a no win situation whatever you do

It's a really horrible situation to be in.
For me I can only imagine being in that position and whilst I'd have reservations I can't imagine NOT helping and taking her in. Talking to social services about financial help (fostering allowance) if necessary.
The thought that she would know as she grew older that she was not wanted by her siblings would be too awful.

I think it’s really unfair to talk of ‘not wanted’.

Not wanted is a very long way from ‘not possible to give every child what they need’.

Children of disabled or otherwise needy siblings grow and learn enormously in many ways, and gain huge understanding. They can also experience a deficit of attention and care which in some extreme cases can even become a safeguarding issue in its own right. Through nobody ‘s fault, just having to meet too wide a range of needs and demands.

I don't think people who are not in the OP's situation fantasizing about how amazingly they would cope with it are being helpful full stop.
That never stops them doing it on these threads though.

Hence the 'in a heartbeat' references.

I completely agree, @TheFirstMrsDV it's not about whether the OP wants to look after her 2 year old half sister. A child with FASD is a massive challenge for someone who already has 4 DCs including 3 very young ones who need their mum to put them first.

My DD1 is very hard work. She is my responsibility so DH and I put all our efforts into fighting to get her the help she needs. There's no way I could cope with that if I was already bringing up 4 DCs of my own.

We did consider adopting our DDs' younger brother when he was a baby and explored the possibility with SS. They felt we had too much on with DD1's needs. Afterwards, my DH admitted that he never actually wanted to adopt another baby, and with hindsight he was absolutely right and I'm grateful I'm not looking after a toddler now.

MrsRyanGosling it’s not so much you don’t want to take in this child, but that you can’t. That doesn’t make you a horrible person; you have no doubt agonised over this decision but your primary responsibility is to your own children. I have a child (now grown) with disabilities and it was hard bloody work donning the warrior parent armour yet again - and I only had one more child, not 4! The people upthread who have spouted all this ‘heartbeat’ stuff may have little idea of what taking her in would mean.

I don't have much to add but wanted to tell you how amazing you are. It must be a really tough situation to be in and I applaud you for being so level headed about it (even if you might not think you are)

My mother is an alcoholic and I have nothing to do with her anymore however I have a younger brother (16yrs age difference) and for a long time I was fixing all their problems and it's wears you down.

Sending lots of love x

**MrsRyanGosling I’ve no advice but wanted to say you are an amazingly beautiful person. Your Dsis is very lucky to have you.

OP I have nothing useful to say except you are an amazing human being.

My (adopted) DD has a mix of mild FASD/complex trauma / sensory processing disorder. She is wonderful - as an only child. She has.my full attention, and it is still exhausting battling for the services she needs.

A child with that background is very different from a birth child who has had the best care since conception. The last thing she needs is a few years in a family that can barely cope, followed by family breakdown.

You have already given her a huge amount of love and care - the most loving thing now may be to fight for the right long term placement for her as LAC, where the LA has a legal responsibility to meet her needs.

I think it must be a really hard decision. I know people always say how wonderful foster carers are, and I am sure many are, but I used to live nextdoor to a family that fostered children. They were good with the children in many ways but they were also good to the collections of dogs, cats, fish, birds and various small caged animals they had.

The house was filthy and to be honest the children were as well. They got picked on at school because they did smell. The social worker used to have her meetings sitting on the front wall, I don't know but I assume that was because she couldn't cope with the smell.

When my 4 were younger I would have struggled with your decision, if they were going to place her with my old neighbours I would have kept her.

I hope if you decide to go ahead with fostering that she is placed with nice people and does really well but do be aware that social services are under pressure and good foster parents are in short supply.

No advice here OP, just huge admiration for how you’re coping with an impossibly difficult situation.

There is no right or wrong with regard to her placement, you’re simply choosing what you believe to be the best for everyone involved. Whatever you choose, the decision will have been made with love, thought and care, that is very clear.

I wish you and your whole family all the best.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds
My other thought is that maybe your grown up sister needs to make other childcare arrangements. Given that you have a yoing family of your own, plus your baby dsis with you, taking on childcare for your nephew is too much. He has 2 parents - he is the child that does not need you to be responsible for him. I think your adult sis and bil are putting on you a bit really, given all your other pressures.

YYY to this^^
Does your sister see you as a parent figure?

You are doing her and her DH an enormous favour here, providing complete peace of mind for her, and yet when something comes up she and her DH can't/won't offer to share the burden, and it is all up to you.

You are acting as everyone's parent here and I get the impression that your father never really played that role for you on a reliable basis, and that this has been your role in the family for a long time. Even now, your father is requiring that you play parent to him (it's almost as if you have six children right now, maybe another one making seven if your adult sister is thrown in) and the talk of wanting to die really ups the ante for you.

IS it possible that your DH could find a pediatrician who has a good reputation with FAS and get Dsis seen and potentially diagnosed?

I don't suppose this is possible if SS have official care of her, but if things are still unofficial and there is no order making her a ward of the court, then you may be able to take this initiative.

I think the Op said the little girl has been diagnosed with FAS

No, I don't think she has an official diagnosis. But the OP has said that her sister has the facial features that are distinctive for FAS, and is already exhibiting some of the behaviours that could be associated with FAS damage.

She has observed her facial features, behaviour, and developmental lags but no official diagnosis has been made afaik.

You already have four kids. Even if you really wanted the child, she would never be equal to your own kids. Some adoptive parents can treat their adopted kids the same, but they are people who [i]chose[/i] to adopt. This kid would always know she was your sister, not your daughter. Would she call you Mum?

Then she will have issues that will need a lot of time and care that a mother of four will not really be able to provide without causing problems with the other four. I have a child with special needs and when she was young she took up about as much time as having four children without special needs did.

Your other half's opinion doesn't mean a lot if he's not the main caregiver.

You can't be a good parent to her.

Someone else can. Your sister doesn't sound like a good option either, TBH. But there are lots and lots of prospective adoptive parents out there who will be able to give her the childhood you give your own children. If you all agree you let her up for adoption [i]now[/i] then the likelihood is she'll be adopted within a year, and have some contact with you. She'll get parents who loves her, really really want her, have the ability to take care of her, etc, and she'll probably have some contact with you and the rest of her birth family.

I think the kindest thing you could all do for her is ler her go.

Honestly think about your kids, which is sounds like you are doing. If i was in your situation i wouldnt take her in and that is ok. You need be be a strong mother, and I'm gobsmacked at people just saying they would take in the 2yo family member considering your situation. Your time would be consumed and it sounds like your children are already on the cusp of being affected.

Give the poor child up for adoption. So many childless people would adore her; you clearly will not. No blame, just fact.

What a fuckload of bollocks in one line, Diodati. Did you just ignore the 600 odd messages on this thread and respond to the OP only??
Jesus.

That's really unkind and hurtful diodoti. If you have read the thread you'd understand why the OP doesn't feel equipped to adopt her. It's apparent that she loves her little sister very much though.

More crap.

Firstly I think you are too hard on yourself, I am sure your dh is great but he is away a lot so of course he is fantastic when he is home. You do the heavy lifting childcare wise.

Secondly the situation you are in is not fair. You will not be happy if you have her (understandably) and you will be riddled with guilt if you don't have her.

Thirdly, dealing with a parent with addiction issues is hard. It will have left its scar on you.

It is so hard to help with a decision but the splitting the week seems to work? Is there any help available from the state?