To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

Why is my comment unkind? If the OP cannot cope with another child, fair enough. The OP, and the rest of you sensitive sallys on here need to think
of the well-being of this little girl. Where will she be happiest? Where will she thrive? Where she is wanted and welcomed, of course.

You didn't say the OP wouldn't be able to cope with the child, you said she wouldn't adore her. Which is unkind.

The OP has maintained that it would be better for her sister to be fostered or adopted because she can't give her the full attention that's needed as she has 4 young dc herself. Nothing wrong with that.

Have you even read the thread?

But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out.

What's your point here Diodati?

So there you have it, Greatduck and Thumbwitch. And anyone else who thinks I'm heartless or whatever.

What was your point in your 9.31 post? I don't understand what you're trying to get across here.

Diodati I really don't think you've grasped the situation at all. The Op is in an awful position.

Are you that dense?? OP doesn't want to take on the expense and inconvenience of another child. That doesn't mean the OP doesn't love her little sister, it simply means she knows she won't be able to cope. And I admire her for her honesty and foresight. It's a tragic situation but what would make it worse is for the OP to take her little sister in against her better judgment.

I'm another saying that the little sister is not the only one who matters in this mess - while it matters where she will be happy and well cared for, if that is at the expense of your own DC having a vastly reduced quality of life - and not just financially, but more importantly time and care wise - then is that the best thing all round?

If her disabilities mean she will need to be with someone who can dedicate all their time to her, then it is impossible for you to become her full time Carer without your own dcs experiencing some level of neglect. You can't be in two places at once.

There is nothing cruel about admitting you can't do it. It would be crueller to take her on knowing that someone's needs will be neglected just so you haven't let her go outside the family.

Diodati I don't think that your views are any different to mine, but re read your posts. You start by referring to Dsis as a 'poor child' which appears emotive/ guilt tripping even though it may be true. I think that your views are fine, but that sensitivity is lacking in the way that you have written them.

And the OP not coping = her DC plus DSIS getting a raw deal. I couldn't cope either, in fact I couldn't cope with the OP's 4 at the ages they are, without a child with complex needs on top. But I think talking about the OP not coping can again read as a criticism when I don't think it's meant to be.

Are you that dense??
Funny I was just thinking the same thing about you. Your posts are contradictory and make little sense.

Thankyou for explaining Diodati

Greatduck, why don't you address yourself to the dilemma at hand rather than take nasty digs at me?

Are you ok Diodati? As it was you flinging insults around first.

You've obviously not read the thread, you don't seem to understand what the OP is saying, which is pretty crucial especially when posters are barging in with their two pennies worth.

I think what she's saying actually makes sense. She's just being a bit blunter than most of us who are treading carefully so as to not make the op feel worse than she already is.

The Op has maintained she can't take her in for various reasons which is why I don't understand the stance of Diodati.

I don't understand what you don't understand cookery. Which of the OP'S reasons do you think she's disagreeing with?

Why is my comment unkind? If the OP cannot cope with another child, fair enough. The OP, and the rest of you sensitive sallys on here need to think
of the well-being of this little girl. Where will she be happiest? Where will she thrive? Where she is wanted and welcomed, of course.

This ^

The OP has said throughout that she doesn't feel able to care for her sister for many different reasons. This and other comments from diodati read like she thinks the OP is saying she want to care for the child full time.

That isn't what she is saying. She is saying that the little girl will be better off where she is wanted, ie not with the OP.

But why on earth say that?

That’s a really good point actually, you should wind down the childcare for DN. it’s ridiculous that you are taking on so much. They presumably have other means of childcare, nursery childminder whatever. Your little sister has nowhere else ATM and you are doing loads for her. They need to step back.

Sorry I haven't been back. Turned into a rough day. I have pm'ed some people. Thank you all for your wonderful advice and support. This is a really difficult time. I am trying to get this moved to adoption. I'm going to sit with a pen and paper and write a lot of the suggestions down for my meeting this week. Other parent is now sober for the mean time but obviously not with her. Thank you all

Wishing you all the beat with all the complexity you are dealing with. There are so many sets of needs to take into account. Don't forget your own needs as well.

@MrsRyanGosling15 I am so sorry for your incredibly difficult position. As an adopter (ds came to us at 3) please think seriously if your half sister could be adopted. She could get the support she needs from a new family and as a sibling social services should support your continued involvement at a suitable level in her life.

I am really sorry about your dad. But they are two delegate issues. What is best for your half sister has notho g IMHO to do with what is best for your dad. He needs mental health help. She needs a long term family or foster family dedicated to her needs.

I'be not read all posts but I think I'ce read enough to say your taking her on would not really be in your or her best interests IMHO. Because you are a fabulous parent but already stretched.

Two separate issues.